Loves to read and write, I decided to try writing fanfiction after a long hiatus thanks to ponies
A story that asks, "what if Nightmare moon knew who was destined to defeat her and she stopped it?" Then the story asks "If twilight was caught, who would take her place, why Trixie of course" Then the story calmly asks for a cheeseburger with a large fry.
Now we must follow through the story with Trixie as she tries to get the elements of harmony and defeat Nightmare moon and gain fame and fortune.
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Before I even read it, I can tell you that you should fix your formatting to make it more clean. Make sure your break lines go all the way across, and that your paragraphs all have indentation. I don't know how your grammar is, but normally when there's a format problem there's also a grammar problem, so I suggest reading your story aloud. Anyways, let me read it.
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Sure go ahead and read it
Name of Story: Trixie in a journey of friendship by Alchemystudnet (part 1, I guess)
Grammar Score: 3/5
Pros (3): Concept is funny, trollestia has the potential to be believable, and so far (before the Clopton Forge thing) I can follow where you're going.
Cons (3): Missed oppertunities for the funny, grammar and formatting issues, and pacing is too quick.
Notes/Comments:
thing-revenge should be thing, revenge, or thing— revenge.
I'm not sure what's going on with that first "Nightmare moon!" dialogue.
Most of your dashes should be commas. For those that still need to be dashes, use alt+0151 to create the long dashes, like this: —
“Fine, tell me oh Oracle, what wisdom do you have for me to tell me why I am going to be beaten.” should probably be "Fine, tell me, oh oracle; what wisdom do you have for me about my downfall?" You have tell me in the sentence twice, which, besides feeling unlike something Luna would say, is redundant.
Board -> Bored.
>He then showed images of her defeat and the power of the rainbow, complete with a sign that says, “taste the Rainbow motherfraker!” I'm not gonna say that you can't do this, but maybe it should read like: He then flashes images of her defeat at the hands of the mighty (pick a funnier adjective) rainbow. Above it, written in ghostly like letters, was the phrase "Taste the Rainbow, motherbucker!" The joke can get a chuckle, but the way you word it diminishes it's impact I think. I'm no comedy writer, though.
Also, watch your tenses. The beginning of your story everything is happening *now*, but here you suggested it's happening in the past. You should stick to one, and I say use the present, as it adds to your writing and humor (in my opinion).
“And Since Twilight would be only one of two ponies to know of the power of the elements I would safe and the night would last eternal!” Rephrase that. Actually, all the dialogue around that part before the break to celestia could be written more natural, and more funny.
The Oracle's last words should probably be internal, as I would assume NMM would hear it and changer her mind. Additionally, maybe ad some background to the oracle by having him explain hisself to NMM. His presence is kind of random, but the reason he's there doesn't have to be.
Use a semicolon after "the while Alicorn".
>"She knew she should’ve set the elements of Harmony from imprison to cure, how on Earth could’ve she missed that switch she will never know." wut
>Luckily, Twilight is observant enough to note small details, “Celestia, my queen, the chariot to Ponyville is ready.” should be a new paragraph. Every time a new character is speaking, make a new paragraph. In the event that a character has a long speech, break that into paragraphs as well, and end each one with a single quote instead a double quote; add the double quote when the speaker is finished.
>“Mam? Are you going to play another trick like you did three years ago?” The soldier asked. may be funnier as "A sodiler watching from across the room shakes his head, remembering his queen's past shennanigans. "Your royal highness, are you really going to play another trick... *again*?"
I believe Sunny Daze is someone else's OC, so you may get chewed out for that. But idk.
"The soldier said as he watched Celestia teleport away." That implies it's happening at the same time, where I think it would be funnier to take out the "as he watched", and split it up into two centences. Celestia should also probably be cackling as she disappears.
Maybe Celestia shouldn't teleport to the center of Ponyville, as we only see Twilight teleporting in the show (even Celestia never teleports on screen). That would probably be a dead giveaway. I'm thinking in aback alley, and she walks into the crowd. It implies more sly tactics.
First, it seemed like she was going to ride a chariot to Ponyville, which means if she teleports there she arrived incredibly early. That length of time isn't properly conveyed. It would be funny to have Celestia use that early time to prank random citizens, and then make her way to her own scheduled appearance. Also, the entrance of NMM should be told out via Celestia's perspective. Maybe have her roll her eyes at the dramatic entrance, stuff like that.
Frak should probably be buck. Frak is from stargate or startrek, right?
This section, with NMM and Twilight and Celest should be rewritten and made more clear. I can piece together what's going on, but a reader shouldn't have to think too hard.
Crowd reactions could be used for good humor. Maybe someone askign "Who is this bitch, and why should we care"(in reference to twilight), but with a more in-universe appropriate word.
Make it clear when Celesti is talking to herself or is addressing NMM, because I can't tell. Use italics when she's talking to herself.
Use only one exclamation point.
I should be if.
Celestia's monologue after Eclipse's appearance shoudl flow better, and be more "logigal". It's more fun to follow random logic (say, pinkie feeling like a picture is wrong, so she turns the house to set it level) instead of completely random (pinkie feels a picture is tilted, so she breaks a window).
WTF is going on with this Clopton Forge nonsense?
Ok, I'm going to stop right here for now. I have to leave.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: It's called Modulation, you can find it on my page.
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Yeaaaaah, the Clopton Forge bit was just a weird random bit of nonesense that I put in. It was just a reference to one of my pen names and was a kind of a joke on random side stories that pop up. I guess I should have also written "No not there, in another scene you fools!!!!" I was going for a scene change to an even that I didnt want them too, I wanted it to be something stupid. I think the joke kind of fell flat here now I think about it more. (A few other jokes to me feel kind of flat but you havent gotten to them)
Also I kind of wrote this before I became aware that Buck is a thing (nowadays I use it in my writing a lot, surprisenly...its with Dashie) so I used frak...mainly because its what I use all of the time. I am not a fan of swearing and only use it as a last resort. But I see where you are getting at with the changing of the line ruining the gag.
A lot of the other stuff you pointed out I agree completely and can understand how this would improve my jokes and humor. Thanks for the review
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Name of Story: Trixie yada yada yada, review part 2
Notes/Comments:
You should establish hoofington better. No need to describe it really, just make that sentence flow better. And again, paragraphs breaks are a must. The main blog that is posted on the side of the front page of fimfiction.net had a good entry about paragraphs breaks. Even I read it.
Describing trixie as the "light blue mare" could be done smoother. It's fine how it is, but honestly for this story it might not eve be necessary. Maybe. Don't quote me on that.
I'd change the parentheses around (description provided by Trixie) to brackets []. Just a style thing, there's nothing wrong with it.
"Trying her best to compliment and woo the stage pony". Delete that out of your story, and make the reader come to that conclusion by what Celestia actually says. Also, at least give a throwaway paragraph to describe the bunker, maybe even going so far as to mention objects inside that clearly indicate it belongs to Celestia, or hit where it is. One of the funniest jokes I saw when I was a kid was when Hercules (Disney) was blindfolded and brought to a secret location, and instantly knew where he was when the mask was taken off. He didn't have any believable reason to know, but it was just funny. "Oh man, nice yacht".
Trixie is redundant when talking about risking her life. Also, unless numbers are over a certain amount (I can't remember if it's 100 or 1000 or whatever), they should be written out. That '2' should be a two. Also, you missed a joke for Sunny to inquire who is number one.
>“Trixie has reconsidered and has decided to go.” With that Trixie raced off. --- For flow purposes, I feel it should read...
"but if you do, you'll earn fame, glory, gold, and a free complementary spa in canterlot.
Sunny Daze suddenly found Trixie seated in front of her. "Trixie has reconsidered, and despite your terrible offer has decided to go to Freverlee forest".
"Everfree".
"Whatever." With that, Trixie raced off.
Something like that.
Everfree should always be capitalized. The opening paragraph would also be more funny if it was inner monologue by Trixie, and she asked who was reading her mind at the end. No need to answer it. Also, think about formatting that click for humor. You could do it in line with the text, or give it it's own separate paragraph. Should you use asterisks, or make it italicized?
When trixie speaks in that second paragraph, it should be another paragraph. I'm done telling you when to fix paragraphs, that guide should help you enough.
Big Bob's should sell something else, and be listed in front of plot convenience. Or, possible, make it more ridiculous. Either "Big Bob's Used Carriages and Plot Convenience Emporium", or "Big Bob's Magically Enhanced Plot Convenience Emporium". Something like that.
Describe the Manticore different. The parentheses have to go. Do it when he shows up.
How did her whip get cut to pieces?
Don't make the h in OH capitalized.
He should be using trixie's wand as a toothpick, since he didn't actually take chunks out of her. More importantly, when did trixie have a wand?
You missed some funny to be had with the selfish Trixie interacting with Steve Magnet, especially when he's used to unicorns being nice to him.
Why were the next few minutes of the young filly's life filled with misery and pain? Leaving things to the reader's imagination can be very funny, but in most cases in your story you leave too much. They say you should show, not tell, in your writing, but you're not doing either sometimes. More importantly, when was Trixie a young filly? The CMCs are young fillies.
I'd have Trixie singing "Fame and glory" to herself to raise her spirits, but that's just my opinion. Or maybe "Trixie kept mumbling to herself about things like rewards, fame, and glory...."
Rape jokes, man. They're gonna be a hard sell. They're not impossible, but you have, all of a sudden, Trixie getting raped by trees. Maybe she escapes, but we as readers don't know that. You should be less explicit, and just say touchy feely trees or something. Maybe they should chant "pretty lady" or something. You can imply the rape, without saying it, and it'll come off as better. I personally don't get offended with rape jokes, but you gotta keep in mind your readers (and your rating).
Aha, you cover the rape thing. But still, don't explicitly mention it till Lyra says it. Also, for extra funny, don't describe her dress as a sexy newscaster. Have her pop out, say her spiel, THEN describe how her outfit was practically falling off her and was so revealing (don't actually use the word revealing). It'll be funny, because we'll get an implied rape scene (but with funny overtones), a mare saying rape isn't funny, but then that mare wearing revealing and slutty clothing. As a word of warning, you're toeing the line of "if you wear slutty clothes, you deserve to be raped". I understand the comedy, but some extreme feminist may not, and they'd have a good reason not to. Your story, though.
Lyra's dialogue isn't finished. Also, Bon Bon should always be two words, and their dialogue exchange should be smoother. Maybe Bon Bon should be the camera girl?
Don't use all caps unless it's the Royal Canterlot Voice. Exclamation marks should be enough.
Where did trixie get the chainsaw? Or is that part of the joke? Is that a call out to Ash (never saw the movies)?
Trixie's dash across the chasm should flow better. Watch a skit with Wiley E Coyote, and imagine how you'd narrate it to preserve the funny.
Your transitions from area to area could be smoother.
As for swearing, besides buck, you could probably come up with some equally effective in-universe swears. For an example, an elderly pony might say "By Starswirl's beard!"
Trixie wouldn't know what Eclipse looked like, so describe it from Trixie's point of view. Make it funny, where Eclipse obviously has a better design than Trixie, but Trixie refuses to acknowledge she looks better. Make it like that "2/10, would not bang" meme. That way we get introduced to Eclipse as Trixie, and you get another joke out of it.
How can Eclipse be Queen of the Night? What is NMM doing? I know you probably mean that Eclipse is a guard for NMM, but make it more clear.
Would Trixie know Eclipse used to be Twilight?
"But Trixie is here but for one reason, and one reason only— To get rich. Unfortunately, that involves your downfall."
*powered by a goddess. Titles are important.
Why is Trixie all of a sudden going Super Sayain?
When you make real world references like Rob Zombie, you're going to have to give them a horse pun. It's like an unwritten rule. And instead of having somepony "in the distance", just have Trixie summon minions or the castle janitor or someone do it.
That record scrath was painful. They don't translate too well into written word. Try something else. And if the music is being summoned by Trixie's awesomeness, why would it stop when Trixie does something awesome?
Oh, Eclipse shrugged it off. Make it more clear.
Make Trixie's attacks and Eclipse's responses flow better. It's a lot of random action as it stands now. Take the time to show how useless Trixie is.
That Aang shoutout is out of place. Describing Eclipse using airbending (without actually saying airbending but making it painfully obvious to anyone who's a fan of TLA) would get the job much better. Also, it's spelled Aang.
Unless you're going for the absurd, magic sword to magic sword fighting is less clunky.
A spell doesn't have to originate from an alicorn to get her to levitate. Twilight does it all the time in the show. In addition to that, alicorn should probably be lowercase. For examples, manticores aren't Manticores, and dragons aren't Dragons. Alicorn would only be capitalized if it was a title.
A giant slingshot? Why bother when she can just magically fling her? Simply being thrown like a cannon will avoid the "...lolwut" from the reader, I think. Think. Your call. Slingshot does technically work.
"Looking into the camera" is a joke that you should use once. Maybe instead of saying camera, you could suddenly jump to second person. "'Oh, I do hope the next issue comes out soon. To leave it hanging like this is torture.' Sunny looked up from her books and pierced your soul, with an expectant look." It would be funny, because the reader wouldn't expect them to be held accountable, and if the person who came up with Mare-Do-Well ever read your story, it would be a great shot at them. However, I'd save that for something any reader can do, like advising against writing fics with terrible tropes (like Twilight butchering a spell), but only do that if it fits. I'm not saying change it to that. Sorry, I'm rambling.
Don't say that Trixie is broken, describe how she's broken.
"To get her back to life" should be rephrased. It doesn't flow, and Trixie isn't (or shouldn't be) dead.
At this point, I feel this should be multiple chapters. I think you'll snag more readers this way, and let them catch their breaths. I wish I had a break right now.
Instead of "all her tricks", maybe "This time, I'm going to dodge RIGHT and use an iceblall instead", implying that she's not really going to switch her tactics up and that she didn't learn anything.
Celestia wouldn't have a phone in her hand, it would be held up to her face by magic. She also would have rolled her eyes at Trixies terrible tactics, and have asked that nuking question internally, probably in italics.
Ok, I have stuff to do. Just fix all that. Maybe I'll come finish the review later, but this is slow going. Good luck. Also, when you do finish your edits, you should delete my comments so others cant get spoiled by what I've written.
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I think I'll wait for you to finish your review first, before I make any big changes to the story with the edits that you have made. This will give me time to do work on my two other big stories (Equestria's Mirage and Friendship is Eternal, which I am putting a lot of work at the moment and want to really finish first). However, I do appreciate the review and am greatly enjoying looking at the points you are making. They are a big help for me to improve on the comedy.
Now about the notes (note: these arent excuses for my actions or what I wrote. These are just explinations about my writing and certain ideas)
First about hoofington and the Trixie part, yeah, I should have described it better. I also liked your idea of fixing up the conversation with Trixie and Celestia to make it a little funnier. Also about the paragraph breaks...yeahhhh, this was written before I read that article. I think I would fix that a little bit now that I have read it. I didnt have Celestia say anything about number one because I figure she would already have number one on mind (Sombra...nah I'm kidding, its Discord)
With the narration...I think you have given me an idea for a gag I could do to improve the scene,
As for the comment about misery and pain, I think I should improve it by setting it up with Trixie being confident about her swimming abilities and able to get through the water and then breaking her hopes, Her life was filed with misery and pain because she was thrown into raging rapids.
About the rape scene, I have never tried a rape gag before and wanted to see if I could pull it off effectively. I wanted to use the Raping trees because that would be the most weird thing I could think of and I love Evil Dead (yes, the chainsaw is a reference to Ash and you should go see the movies, they are awesome). I thought I could get away with just a leg rub to be subtle enough and let the reader fill in the blanks in their own minds. Of course, the last thing that I would want to imply is "if you wear slutty clothing you deserve to get raped," That is just wrong. I was more going for a small riff on how in more rape fic stories, the strong female character is raped for no reason and is taken out way too easily. But I think I can see where you are coming from with this.
With the chasm run...yeah...I think that could've gone better (I heard a live reading of this story eariler and was busy thinking of improvements the entire time) I also did the censored swear word because...wingdings are funny.
As for the trixie Eclipse fight, The super Saiyan bit was just how I always like writing fire magic being used by anyone. Also, I agree with changing Rob to someone else. Also, I admit, the record scratch was a mistake...I think I should have found a way to made the attack big and the sudden shock of the loss be more impactful. The horn to horn fight was meant to be a little more weird and that would be the reason for the slingshot.
The rest I agree with and have no explinations for.
Multiple chapters? Really? you think this should be two instead?
Maybe I should, or just delete this story entirely. ITs not because your review or anything...its just that this story feels like something I used to write back when I was 13. When I would just put in random references and sight gags with no rhyme or reason or when I would put multiple chapters into one long fic. Where jokes, random gags, spelling errors, and other things ran rampant because I self edited my stuff. The other fics I have written on this site, the ones that have had been proofread and edited by my peers, they are ones that I am more proud of and want to perfect. Heck, I have a few down on the road that I cant wait to upload to the site that I think are way better than this and are ones I cant wait to write. This story, though I love it like all of my fics, feels like a step back to me and a chapter of my writing I want to forget. Dont get me wrong, your review is important and I take everything you said in to help better my comedy...but I wonder if I should with this. or just leave it alone, a piece of my old life that I can look back on and compare it to how I have grown both as a serious writer and a comedian.
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I'm going to reply in a pm.