Takes place in Calm Wind's Wonderverse before any of his stories.
After a show in Cloudsdale Silver lining meets an interesting filly.
I'm still sort of a noob at writing so please feel free to point out my mistakes and to help me improve!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I liked it, even thought gold squad wasn't in command yet when the griffin drake war was, it was small and cute.
Certainly a good start. There were a couple of minor typos here and there (some 'your' instead of 'you're') but overall it was technically good, and I liked the basic premise.
In terms of where to improve next time, you might want to think about doing a little more scene setting to add a little more atmosphere. It doesn't have to be explicit (i.e. They reached the backstage area. It was dark and claustrophobic, and full of ponies milling around), but it could be small things (i.e. Pony X reached for his towel and began to mop his brow as the filly approached him).
You might also want to think about customising how your characters act and move a bit more to give them some more distinctive characters. Things like speech patterns, choice of language, their emotions and feelings can, in small doses, really add some polish to the story.
That being said, for a nice, brief slice of life, it was nicely done and I enjoyed it.
6669023 thank you! This really helps, I'll be sure to edit this up a bit, and take your advice! Would you be interested in being my editor? I really need one :3
6668983 ah! I'll change that, thanks!
Loved this one.
No problem and if you're curious:
In chapter 100 Soarin shows Dash a picture of him with Hurricane Drive, who was part of the Lead squad before Gold squad, from after he won a race. A few chapters later, when Silver is about to talk about Blizzard and Discord, he said he was to young to remember anything of the griffin drake war so he was probably younger.
6670456 ooohhhh! I was wondering about that!!
6670449 yay, thank you!
6670456 but, I just realised, that Dash said something like, "wow, you met the captain before the gold squad?" So that hints she never saw them
6670587 but isn't Dash younger than Soarin?
6670592 yeah, implying the Dash never met the lead squad before the gold squad so if I put it here then that means she met them
a nice and sweet story, makes you wonder if calm will make it canon in PTH
6670651 heh, thanks! But not likely
6670381 I would do but I'm pretty much terminally rushed off my feet IRL. If you want I can give you a follow and poke in with any advice if I get a chance, but I don't want to guarantee anything that I can't deliver. Sorry about that!
6671340 Sure, and it's alright!
6668983
actually they were, i mentioned blazetail and flashwind during one of Silver's stories about blizzard, leading their squads, thing is i had to make a small switch recently, Soarin at one point said he wasn't born before the war, but that would have screwed up some things, so i changed it to him saying he was too young to understand what was going on.
i havent gone into too many details about the griffon drake war Silver was a part of, but it may be safe to say that there was a command change during it, hence how gold squad took over....
but im rambling xD honestly there are a few very minor continuity errors in pth, but its hard to keep track of every tiny detail in such a large story
Also, Wonderverse stories are free to switch things around, i understand my timeline is very complicated, so im not about to complain if someone makes a few tweaks here and there for the sake of telling a cute story like this.
This was short sweet and cute, i loved it!
6672450 ty!
6672441 Amen to that difficulty of keeping track. *headdesk and laugh*
I *totally* did not click on this because I saw the word "Wonderverse" on this....
6955646 oh? Did you? Or did it choose you…? (Idk)
Cute story
7080954 thanks!
I still believe FIMFiction needs a "Cute" tag... I loved this.
7958171 Haha, glad you liked it! It's an old fic but I'm happy that people still enjoy it