Fleetfoot has always wanted to know Calm Wind better, the only problem is the big stallion is incredibly shy and nervous around mares (seemingly more so around her specifically). Her past attempts to get his attention were mostly goofy or suggestive, so this time she decides to take a more direct and gentle approach. To her surprise... it works quite well.
(takes place in calm's wonderverse)
Artwork: me
This story goes between calm and fleetfoot's POV.
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ISH SHO CUTE... O3O
*gentle
"Yes, Calm, she's gone,"
Capitalize Calm.
Sorry about the nitpicks, but you guys did ask for constructive criticism!
Other than that... YES CONTINUE IT SOON!
Not bad for a first story. I'm glad you decided to branch out and try it out
6855363
i have actually been writing for years. was just shy to show my work.
i was the top writer in my 7th grade class. my goal is to be the top in 8th
Wonderful job for your first story, wonderful
Your biggest mistake is this; When you started the story, you did not tell us who 'I' was. When it's you talking, that's fine, but for those of us who don't read the story description... it's going to be very annoying. Somehow, someway, try to get it slipped in within the first three paragraphs. If not the first three sentences.
Otherwise, it's very nice for a beginning, keep going.
6855796
Because i wanted them to figure out who it was.
6856150 Alright then, you need to keep them interested then. Stay on her, just her for several paragraphs. You introduced too much too fast. It's got potential, but it is confusing, and for someone with dyslexia, very hard to read.
That will come with practice. Just like your art, you will get cleaner as you practice. But for me, if I'd just picked up the book without knowing you at all, I would have put it down after the fifth paragraph because I was getting all these names thrown at me, and I still hadn't a clue who was talking. It was very frusterating.
Don't feel bad, we all have these complaints from time to time. I did the same thing with my first story. This is a normal problem. However, unless handled right, it can be a BIG problem and cause people to just put it down without giving the story so much as a chance.
6856292
to be fair, this is a Wonderverse story and most who read these are already aware of the characters. (under other circumstances, you are completely right, but Wonderverse fics can get away with it a little)
That aside though you made plenty of good points, thanks for helping out
6856353 she's my friend too. ;D
6857968
i have two editors :P
6858125
i will when i finished.....dey secret for now