There are days that you just can't really explain. Such as when you jump off a diving board and accidentally go through a portal to another universe, oh did I mention I fell on my face? Well at least it was a cloud, but falling on your face only gets so fun. That's also how I met Spitfire, and Soarin, and Fleetfoot and just about every Wonderbolt in Cloudsdale. Did I mention that I fell face-first right in the middle of a really big Wonderbolts meeting? This is my tale of what life was like after I face-planted in a land of magical talking ponies yet didn't get admitted to an insane asylum.
(Woo! Awesome! Featured on 8/22/2014. Love you guys.)
(I changed it to teen but whenever sex scene would pop up I'll post it in a side story and link at the end of specific chapter, the ones that end with that kind of scene will end with a "*")
(May contain adult or sexual language at parts)
99.7% of the time, I refuse to read clop. This may become an exception. Continue.
4492595 lol not just 99 or 99.99 it's 99.7
4493566
Yep. Before this, I have read five other clopfics. Seven if you separate the Molestia Trilogy.
Wow, this did better than I expected honestly, and I'm sorry but I accidentally put mature and sex on instead of teen, I'm changing it to teen BUT I know what you guys came here expecting and I'll make sure you get it, whenever it would come to one of those parts I'll post it as a story all it's own for this, (I'll link it at appropriate times in the story because I know not everyone might be interested) So there will be very little actual difference. It'll be "Playing With Fire: Under the Covers" or something really close, it's not like i have a bazillion stories to search through.
4494922 Thanks, I'll try to make sure I update often, just wish I knew what people disliked about it, it's got as many red thumbs as my 3 other stories put together so I'm a little curious, if anyone knows please tell me.
There were a bit too many errors of various types for me to enjoy this.
While they were introducing themselves, you lost me by the use of poor pacing, poor characterization, and grammatical errors.
4495309 Noted, I'll be sure to edit this weekend, thanks. I do wish I had a proof-reader helping throughout the stories, none of these have been proof-read thoroughly except by me :/
4495373
Well, congrats on the feature, at least.
4495434 ...this got featured!?
Dang, I see. Awesome. Anyway I'm gonna try to get as much of the edit as I can done with tonight.
4495436
Yeah. Bottom of the box.
4495447 Found it. Lol it's gotten as many likes in 24 hours as Sombra's Redemption has gotten in 8 months.
hmmm, hard to say what I think of this
I guess I'm gonna have to just wait for you to complete this, but I'd say the biggest thing is the pacing, need to slow down on it 
~Alex
4495592 Thanks Alex, yeah sometimes I have a little trouble kicking things off but I'm working to fix it and the story should even out pretty fast.
4495630 I would recommend getting a friend, mother, father, just someone to come and take a look over the story, usually getting 3 opinions on a story is the best way to get an Idea of what your audience thinks about it. I would suggest doing that to make sure your work is the best and it kicks out those nasty little habits
~Alex
P.S Congrats on the feature by the way, saw it on there earlier
always nice to get one of those
4495637 Much appreciated and yeah lol that was a goal when I started out, funny thing is I got my other story featured but it was for all of 5 minutes and then I'm just like dang, so close.
Thanks for the advice, I'll try that.
Dayum, where'd you get that Spitfire art? It looks so awesome! /)
(\
--> Should be "a strange creature". If the following word starts with a vowel sound, it should be 'an'. Otherwise, use 'a'.
Also, don't rush the romance too hard
Love it so far!
4492595
4493566
4493604
this is not clop the describation said those will be posted seperatly.
@Orion97
Moar plz.
I like this. I prefer Spit-shipping, but, Eh, whaddya gonna do?
It's so hard to find human x Fleetfoot stories out there. I like this.
4496527 That was before I edited that and accidentally had mature and sex tags on the story itself.
4496648 Well you're probably going to get a bit of that. I can't say anymore without giving away the story but it won't be oh guy meets gal, they meet and start to like each other, something happens and they realize they loved each other all along. No, it's going to evolve more naturally than that and there will be some twists and turns .
4496992 Thanks, originally I was thinking with Spitfire as the romantic interest but as I wrote, Fleetfoot felt like a more natural choice, and as much as I like Spitfire I wanted to do it a little different.
Wow, just in general I did not expect this kind of response (it's really good) almost 60 likes and almost 90 favs. I wonder if say Kaidan or Anonymous Pegasus will see it (they helped inspire me to write stories on here). But really, thank all of you guys for the support though I've probably said that plenty already. Hope you'll enjoy the next update!
4497481 It's got some severe flaws. There's nothing else I could really say that you don't know about already, but hey. If you need an editor, or just need a little help, feel free to let me know. As long as I'm not at work or in the middle of something important, I'll probably help you out immediately.
4497481 *swoons* My favorite!! Thanks!
4497661 I will gladly take you up on that offer. I can message you more about it later. It needs some real editing. Thank you
4497481
oh I didn't realize that.
is it looked away ?
4499028 wow my mind autocorrected for me.
4499074 am I the only one to see that ?
4496527
I found this the first day it was published, when it was still rated Mature.
Alright, it's not to any sexual scenes yet and I was working on a thing for Soarin x Spitfire (not related to this story though) so I figured I'd try to finish it sooner for you guys, keep an eye out for it tonight or tomorrow. This one will just be a one-shot .
Two things you need:
Pacing. This all goes by awfully fast in some cases. The whole tour was two paragraphs. Maybe spend some time extending that.
Editing. If you have an editor, have them take another look at this chapter, because they missed a bunch of things. It's not bad, compared to a few stories I've seen, but definitely could use some work.
Also, if you have an editor and they are OK with it, please credit them in the description of the story. It bugs us to not get credit, though more often than not we'll just put up with it rather than ask.
EDIT: Derp. In the A/N you implied you don't have an editor/proofreader. I'll do it.
EDIT 2: Also, forgot the rating! Three out of five. Pretty good story, nice premise, starting out a bit cliche but that happens, but the dialogue is well-done. It's too early to really tell, but it seems like you're actually putting some thought into the dialogue and making them sound like different peo-- Er, ponies. And people. Sentients? Yeah, let's say sentients.
4501284 Yeah, don't worry I'm not the person to try to steal credit in any way. I do have Marioland1 with an offer but a second editor would be perfect. What parts other than the tour would you say were poorly paced? In honesty I had spent a good portion of the night writing it and pushed it out the door perhaps just a bit before it was ready so I cut corners where I shouldn't have. Yeah that's also one thing I wanted to make sure I did with the dialogue if possible. Make it clear that they're not just ponies that exist for their job or something, they're sentient beings with feelings, histories, and interests. Today's Friday so I should be able to actually go back and fix some things, especially with editor help. Thanks for the advice too.
4502248 Give me a few minutes; I'll reread it and let you know.
Also, it's not necessarily stealing credit. It could just be that you forgot and the editor doesn't want to broach it. That kinda thing can sound accusatory, so a lot of people just leave it.
4502248 Right, sorry. Something came up.
Anyway, the whole "just got here and not freaking out" bit seems kinda fake. I mean, it's hard, but it's a first-person fic, so you can definitely put in a bit more terror.
This is just kinda... out there. Unless you end up making a thing about it -- and I can guess a few ways, most of which are awesome -- I'd recommend removing it.
And clearly, they failed! Eh, no biggy.
Back to pacing. I just wanted to point out those.
You know what? Really, that was the only issue. I'm sure if I gave it a detailed look I could find more issues, but I don't have time right now.
Again, sorry for replying so late; something came up.
I usually wait until the second chapter shows up before reading a new fic, but this one had a human and the wonderbolts (not very common). So far, not bad. The pacing seems a bit rushed (with the skipping of the awkward first contact), but I understand the sentiment behind it. I'm not sure what it is, but it feels like it's missing... something. It's actually bothering me a bit as to what it might be. But, it does have potential. I shall favorite for now and make a judgement call after more chapters have been released. I look forward to seeing more!
4504777 Trust me, I know that feeling, yeah I understand from a lot of people now that certain parts were rushed and I could definitely put more into my half-assed version of a tour. I might of rushed a little closer to the end. I know the missing something thing. Don't worry you'll see it soon. Also I wanted to say this now. This story is going to tie in with The Sound of a Heartbeat and Invasion of the Pink Menace. At some point they may each get sequels (way way down the road) or even intertwine into one (don't strangle me, just an idea i'm floatin back and forth). It's also why I haven't tried to finish one before doing the others. It could spoil pieces of the other stories. It's not noticeable now but some more chapters into them you'll start seeing connection and relevant occurrences.
Think that's actually against the rules lol
Not bad. Somewhat more original than most HiE, both the location, the reaction, the ponies he meets and the fact that he isn't alone.
Your dialogue is of very uneven in quality. Some of it, like the banter between James and Fleet, is quite good and flows smoothly, but a lot of this chapter is too much of an infodump with waaaaaaay too little confusion. There is no real tension and Fleet seems too good at just figuring out what James needs to know. The information exchange is important, I get that, but every question gets an easy answer and Fleet seems to preempt several questions. It's too smooth and too generic
Also, the ponies explain themselves too much. Though open, they should show their personalities more, not explain them. Show, don't tell, that applies as a general rule and even if you put the "telling" in the mouths of the characters, there
Nice to see the ponies being casual about omnivores for a change though.
One other thing: "Oh...I don't mean to be insensitive but have you ever wanted to fly?" Fleetfoot asked politely." That seems like a really weird question, considering he already explained that he wanted to be a pilot and what it was. And how could that question be insensitive?
You might want to remake the short description.
It doesn't have much to do with the story and describes almost nothing.
4505772 Well me having it as mature in the first place was unintentional and I didn't realize it until later. I wasn't trying to be sneaky or anything and I didn't want to feel like I pulled people in expected something else when they wouldn't be getting it, so thus the side story.
4506772 Good call, thanks. Just changed it, couldn't think too well of what to make it, I'm always better with long descriptions.
4505947 Yeah like I said, I rushed a little when I shouldn't have, I'm a little rocky on intros and I wrote that part wrong. (It was like midnight and my brain was on like half power). It was supposed to be like he said he wanted to be a pilot but they got confused because he didn't have wings and didn't want to offend him. I'm finally able to edit so I'm gonna tackle that this morning.
Oh and just a general notice, I live in japan (though I'm american) at the moment so I would be 13 hours ahead of anyone on the east coast, 11 for west coast. So midnight in North Carolina would be 3 p.m. for me of the following day.
He's wrong actually.
That statement and the use of "revoked" really threw me for a loop. Besides that, I think pacing and info-dumping(both of which have been mentioned) are the only problems I noticed. Can't wait to read more!
*Dnar Semaj beat me to it.
4512932 Huh, didn't know that. Thank you. I didn't know that, though not everyone does so I might edit that but I may also leave it in because characters aren't all knowing so they can be simply wrong from time to time but maybe later on he learns it.
4513169 Yeah I was trying to find other words to use, I'm not 100% done editing. I added a description of him at the beginning and some more tour parts, as well as fixing the introduction but I'm still working on the tour part especially, I've been kinda busy this weekend.
4505772
Not exactly; as long as he changes it to mature and adds the sex tag later when he actually has that in the story, it's fine.
I'm a little confused man it sounds that the shipping is going to be him and fleetfoot but your cover is a picture of spitfire is that intentional or a fuck up.
4515182 It's Fleetfoot yes but it's not going to be that straighforward, the story is going to have a lot of Soarin and Spitfire in it, this chapter was mostly just those two to help introduce things. I know it's probably seems misleading as it but it'll make more sense as chapters progress. If it's still misleading after so long I don't know, I suppose I'd change the cover pic and/or the title but hopefully that won't be necessary.
I saw the title, clicked on it, scrolled down...
...and not a clopfic.
The title made me expect a clopfic, not a harmless HiE.
So lol or something...
I like this, you've got my attention and I look forward to some ore of this
How does fleet wood know who Romeo is?
BTW: that play sucked, it was just Romeo confusing horniness with love and Juliet being in the middle of a her little teenage rebellion. It is literally the worst romance that I've ever had the misfortune of reading. My Immortal is better then it.
Plot synopsis: meet, marry, fuck, suicide. All within the space of 72 hours. Now, how exactly is that romantic?
4519523 I think that would fall under the they have so many similarities in both universes thing. I could write out ten pages about that kind of thing but it would just be a pain in the ass. Btw I agree with you completely on that, it's just a saying though.