Noponyatall
Joined 29th May, 2012 ·
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Featured In7
- Second Person Stories1,560 stories ·1,825 members
Humanized Ponies!5,597 stories ·3,468 members
Applejack2,125 stories ·1,770 members
- Applejack is Best Pony311 stories ·332 members
- AppleJack Fan Club88 stories ·91 members
- Co-Author and Editor2,620 stories ·156 members
Applejack1,232 stories ·536 members
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Forgive me for my opinion, but I don't really like you combining Equestria with the modern day world. (Minecraft and computers and shit on Equestria? dude...)
But in your case, I'll make an exception. Let's just see where this goes.
Good humanized stories are pretty hard to come by these days, but you seem to be doing quite well with it.
Two things though:
1) Space your paragraphs. Really massive blocks of text are hard to read, so try to break those up.
2) Show, don't tell. This kinda ties in with the previous point in that what you can tell with two hundred words, you can show with twenty.
Premise sounds good. I'll give it a look later. I hope this isn't a human X pony fic though. If Applejack's human, I'll be fine with that because I expect her to be human from the cover image.
696422
This isn't Equestria though, It's earth, with the humanized Apple family.
Interesting...
I must say, you've captured my attention. Perhaps it's because you've managed to describe me so well.
I will say, however, that some of the pacing is just a tad awkward. It jumps rather rapidly throughout the chapter, and a few 'jumps' seemed unnecessary.
That aside, I'm enjoying what I'm seeing so far. I'll be keeping my eye on this one.
696580
Thank you s'much!
I'm also a big fan of your fiction. It partially inspired me to write this. I agree it might skip, but you must understand I have limited time here and sometimes, I can't think of diddly squat to put on the in-between.
That being said, I'll make sure to only improve it!
696436
I'll keep that in mind!
Like the whole gaming description because I think most bronies on here are gamers or have seen animes. Also, I'm not sure if you should assume or describe the reader as not good at military games because I am pretty good in my opinion. That aside, love this. Have a thumb man. (non sexual way of course)
696669
Aw, I was hoping for a sexual thumb.
I said that because I didn't want people getting the image that he spent all his time cussing on military games. This guy's a gentle gamer who is content with his city life and doesn't want anything disrupting it.
Me like.
696699
Me like that you like
696713 Me want moar.
Well, in some cases I had to scale text walls, but overall it was mehkay. You have gramerical errors in the case of quotations. Any sort of speech that modifies dialogue needs to be lowercased at the start of the setence and the quote before needs to be ended with a comma.
It is written well, but I say mehkay just for the sole reason that I don't like humanized, but whatever butters your boat. I'm not voting this up or down.
Dear lord, the ending!
That's one way of starting off a romance.
Side note: Good job, I saw very little to get after you for but, considering that I have the vision of a eighty five year old man...(shrugs)
Edit: (Goes through the various comments and notices what Sorren says) And that's why I'm a horrible editor/author, I can't spot ANYthing.
696727
Me want you want moar...
Serious time: I would say to expect the next chapter in about three days maybe, give or take a few.
696755
Tis better to remain neutral, my friend. I'll take your advice to heart ^^,
696812 Tis nice to see somepony that doesn't rage at me for my honest opinion. Three times I have pissed new authors off telling them why thier fic has problems and all they do is yell then go to my userpage and downvote everything
I approve of you.
696807 My serious time as well. Where do you say your inspiration came from?
696823
*Their
I'm pretty hard to piss off, honestly xD Plus, it specifically says on my bio that CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is always welcome. Your constructive criticism is appreciated because without it, would my stories ever change?
paragraphs
have you heard of them?
other than that its all cool
696842
It's a fiction called "Scorched." Tis a great fic, and I anticipate every chapter!
696860
Gee, are my paragraphs THAT big!?
I might have to fix this later...
696868yes
please do
DO IT!
DOO EET NAO!
Interesting... I'll follow this for now.
Interesting concept; always did enjoy 2nd person since Crowley. Anyway, you literally got the first paragraph completely correct about me. Have you been spying on me?
funny-pictures-blog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/fixed-link-with-chain-500x373.jpg 696874
696920transitionvoice.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/ITS-all-good.png
696905 Maaayybbeeeee...?
696930
Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you.
696945 Oh I don't think you'd want that, Loki...
It's hazardous to your health...
696976
I have one that says "Fus Ro Dah" on the front. It's black and the words of power are in white.
You jelly?
697051
I'm not one to compete, no worries.
And I'm so jelly, you can call me Smuckers now xD
697138
Never.....
But I wuv shooters! Oh well, just to also tell you I'm interested. Don't thank me, just post the next chapter
697180
To each their own I suppose...Just pretend he loves them ^-^
696792
I spent an entire 5 minutes thinking it up and writing it. I figured the story needed some lolz to end it with before I published it. 
Like the ending?
FUN FACT: First time I submitted this, it wasn't approved by mods
Reason: It lacked ponies. I planned for the Apple family to make their appearance next chapter, so I just whipped up part 2 of this today. I had the first part done by the end of yesterday.
I like the story, bro! Please continue! When are you updating?
*sigh* That guy sense. Always being right....
698542
In a few days, but it takes time to edit it and everything...I need to make sure the chapters are top notch before publishing
700330
Yep, us guys develop it over the years
700372 Okay. Cool. Thanks, man!
Oooo I can feel it this is going to get really good I can tell
Awesome work dude!!!!!!!! And ps:I love scorched too!!!!!...this describes me spooking much!!!wow have u met me before!?!?!? Either ways I love yur fic and I'll be seating more...man now I'm waiting for too story updates!!!!!!!!!!
but still epic
703780
Little do they know that I secretly stalk everypony....
I have a rule not to thumb stories that only have one chapter (unless that is the whole thing) but Ill make an exception....
706576
Does it look like the end? xD
More will be out soon, like tomorrow evening :3
I keep getting email saying it updated but it still only shows the first chapter
706662
I eagerly await it *bows his head* I shall read this till the end
Wait a second, is this going to turn into a clopfic?