- Member Since 1st Jul, 2012
- offline last seen Sunday
KillerSteel
"OH GOD, THEY'RE LAPDANCING ME!" -Steel, 2015 - Aspiring author, artist with absolutely no skill yet a lot of wants, and just your typical, all-around lover of MLP fanfiction. That's me.
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Glad I was allowed a sneak peek. You guys are truly doing God's work. Never thought a little running joke would come this far.
Gonna link to either source material in the description?
6530052 Nah. The original fic is most likely abandoned now anyway, and linking the riff in the description would probably end up being more trouble than it's worth because of the MST rules.
The Fumble should be its own thing... for the most part.
6530052
6530184
Agreed. Let's let the Fumble muster up its own little following, shall we?
I am the Princess of Edits, and I approve of this fanfiction.
6532329
Much obliged, Your Highness. Spread the word, laughs and drama are located here!
This is a nitpick on style, but it's a good idea to avoid weasel words such as 'possibly' when you narrate. It's fine if a character isn't entirely sure from their perspective, but when god speaks, he speaks in absolutes. Remember that.
Funnily enough, back in the days of wooden ships, sailors would store dead officers in whiskey barrels to preserve their bodies until they could get back to shore. One of the more famous cases was that of Admiral Horatio Nelson, the slain commander of the British forces that wiped out the combined French and Spanish (Bourbon) fleet at Trafalgar.
It looks like he's talking to himself. Reserve quotation marks for speech. Italics will suffice for character thoughts.
Sarcastically I'd guess. You described him in rather unflattering tones.
Ohhh, I get it! It's a title, right?
So a pegasus then. I could do with some more description to be sure though.
In the future, go for metaphors instead of similes, they flow much better in prose.
Taking his capture quite well. Then again, the poor salt has been away from sexual comforts for quite some time. He must be very lonely.
So, a monocle, then?
Teachable moment: when you can cut unnecessary words, you must do so. I'm glad you used metaphor but redundant language is a real immersion breaker for the reader. How about we say:
Better, but we can still improve this to really paint a picture for the reader with a metaphor:
Not a great metaphor I wrote, but you get the idea. The rejection is the knife.
Oh, cool. He's an equal opportunity pirate! Best kind.
Is Velvet a robot or something? Oh, one more question: how did we get from throwing Rye overboard to throwing Lace overboard?
My best interpretation of this scene is that Velvet used demon powers to make Rye throw a comrade overboard to her death. I still have to wonder why Spyglass is so concerned for the well-being of Lace in the last sentence. Spyglass seemed pretty gung-ho about tossing Rye overboard...
I'm really not trying to be a jerk, but I'm guessing you're a young person and new to writing. At least, you're writing at grade school level. Go here for some basic advice on improving and give it another try.
Good day.
For the record, your eye-catching short description drew me to your story. That was a smart piece of clickbait! Well done.
6534083
You can thank Ring for that. Just going through your corrections in the previous comment now.
I'll be keeping that in mind for my next chapter, obliged.
No kidding? I'll have to refer to that at some point in the story.
Ah, you'll find I abuse character thoughts quite a bit, actually. As for him talking to himself, I think it works for the character. Rye is a little loopy, after all. I'll experiment with it, see if it all works.
Y'arr, mate.
This is because, though I use third-person narrative, it's usually limited to what the main character's been exposed to. Usually. I'll be opening it up as the story goes on. And I half suspect you're tackling this as a riff... which I definitely, definitely want to happen. Someone riff this story. Please.
Bleh, similes and metaphors seem to roll out of me at equal pace. Keeping this in mind for later, may revisit the first chapter to do some metaphoric enhancement.
I don't think you'd want Rye in your bed, no matter how long you've gone without a nice girl...
Think the more literal definition of 'spyglass'. As in 'telescope'.
Helpful all the same, mate. Thanks!
All aspiring world emperors need to keep open minds, and open hiring policies. Can't let the good ones get away just because you make it a point to hate mares, after all! Not that he does. Oh boy, no, he does not make that a point.
It's always been throwing Lace overboard, unless I'm blanking out on something. I dunno, my memory's been shot lately, and I can't remember where the body is. As for Velvet, I'll stay quiet on that one.
No demon powers were used, Rye's just like that. Reading over the passage again, I think I played that part for exaggeration.
Considering I've a massive library of well accepted stories, this line ticks me off a bit. I appreciate the intention, but... ow. Grade school? Damn.
Granted, it's been a while since I last wrote anything, so I guess it's well-earned. As time goes by, I'll be getting better at all this, and thankfully, I've got a good crew backing me up. The story will carry on, and it will carry on getting better in quality as I go.
6534074
Oh, what, no response to my chapter? After all, Steel didn't fire this up alone, you know. :<
Among other things it might clear up some of the issues with Velvet you had, provide a short explanation as to exactly how disturbed Rye is, and, you know, provide me with literally any feedback. I'm getting jealous. I want to be condescended to in the last line of the review as well, you know!
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6534074
Yeah! Pick on all of us equally :c.
You just had to get a Fate/ reference in. I approve.
Keep this up! I absolutely love this story
I'm a little surprised you guys didn't go any further with Eye Lash and Vex. Or maybe you did and I somehow glossed over a large chunk of it.
LATE EDIT: I've been informed by Ring that OF COURSE you didn't go further (you're not Kudzu, after all) and that the ridiculous thing I was MEANT to note was the name "Space Jam." You are now OBLIGATED to name a future chapter "Come On and Slam" because I am both a loyal reader and your superior over at F/F/T3K and I might fire you over your insubordination but probably not.
6637867
One of my future chapter ideas may end up being titled "Chaos Dunk".
I'm just saying.
Nice tying "Three contemporary theories" and "The Princess" together. It's always nice to see characters who dip their toe/ankle/neckline into the Dark Triad get called on it in clinical terms.
So, just from reading this chapter, I'm going to have to say I enjoyed it. You don't quite have a unique authorial voice yet, something that makes what you're writing definitively you, but what author voice is here is unobtrusive. It allows the characters to breathe, it doesn't get in the way, and it lets the scene speak for itself. Which is to say, while I wouldn't be able to pick this writing out of a crowd, I find nothing about it worth picking on. It does nothing exceptional, but it does nothing particularly poorly either, which is a far more important stepping stone.
I think I'd get you an editor just to fiddle with word choice and placement. Even something as simple at the start as "Vex pored through her notes, frustration growing." would read better if it were ordered a little differently, especially since it's the first line of the chapter. The biggest problem is that it sets an action first and a visual second, which is rather the wrong way around whenever you're establishing something. Especially, there was a lot of lack of visual elements that would help let me paint a picture in my mind's eye for what's happening. I got a very strong tone and feeling, and sound was commented on well, but I don't see anything reading this. Little reminders that Vex is still a child, what colours they are, how their difference in size affects their interaction, how they move about in the room they're in... the devil is in the details.
Overall, the character dynamics were really nice, the science and research put into this was obvious and interesting without becoming obtrusive or bogging down the flow of the prose. I'd really like to see what you could do to explore these in a setting that wasn't so restrictive to it.
6730674
The comment is much obliged. Thought you were only commenting on the first chapter, given where you made the comment, but you went through the whole story, I'm guessing now.
Could you provide any examples for your critique, however? It'd be very helpful to us, as we're pretty much in this for the long haul now. Glad you enjoyed it, though.
I added this to my read later. Went into read later. This story is next to another story with the same picture, but flipped and with the colors normal. I compare descriptions and now I know what you're poking fun at.
6737175
We're just hilarious, aren't we?
6737478 Top kek.
So I must admit I've not read the other chapters of this story, but this one still holds up quite well on its own. It gives enough view of the characters to allow me to follow, but not so much that I'm not aware I'm missing things.
Vex especially is very appealing, the small notes about her growing confidence in her TK and her frustration at being seen as childish really help paint a solid image of her personality. The fact she doesn't use her TK on the tea also hearkens back to earlier in the chapter very smoothly. The small mention of her backstory helps say so much about her without revealing much at all.
The small tea scene really helps a lot for showing the relationship between her and Jams, fleshing out how they interact with each other and feel about each other.
The focus feels very solely on Vex here and Jams is much less focus, but he never felt like he faded into the background, more that we learn very little about him. This isn't a bad thing however as I think trying to flesh out both would come across as too busy.
There were several parts that made me giggle, everything from the contemporary ethics comment about eye Lash, to The Princess book, to the legal principle about weapons and children.
The final scene was lovely, it's a beautiful show of how young Vex really is and how much growing she still has to do.
6744683
Glad you really enjoyed it, man! Yeah, Scarlet's a genius when it comes to character development. Really happy I've got 'em for a partner in making this story, since it wouldn't be anywhere near as good as it is without him and the rest of our team.
It's a real team effort, and I'm happy to see it's paying off!
I gave this a look back when it was first being released, and to be honest, it didn't really grab me. I haven't read the source material, so I felt like I was missing out on the parody, and the genre of ditzy chipper tongue-in-cheek sociopathy has never really been my thing. It was really interesting to come back and browse through some of the later chapters, because this has come a long way. It seems to me like it's doing a Trigun pivot, where this thing that has been played for laughs from the start suddenly turns out to have depth.
In so doing, it's exposing some weird tensions in the story: because the primary driver of the story continues to be Eye Lash, who is, well, Eye Lash. As everyone else around him is building up character in ways that deepen my investment in them, he just cuts a swath through every scene he's in, less a one-dimensional character than a force of nature. In a way it feels weird to see the attempts at deeper characterization for him — it feels kind of like a compromise, like when the dude playing a chaotic evil barbarian in your tabletop game refrains from killing the king not because he wants to, but because the other roleplayers have been shooting him death glares all session, and he's breaking character to keep them from kicking him out of the group. Maybe this is an artifact of the chapters I skipped? In the first chapter or two his character wasn't particularly well defined other than as the homicidal comic relief, and that's awkward to tack anything serious onto. The fact that the other characters spend the entire story planning around him, too, feels like he's robbing them of agency, which is a shame because the interludes really drew me in. Little moments like the quip about Vex's father the warship, and introducing some genuine character drama with the slow reveal of Velvet's secret, and the captain's hidden charity ... you've got this gripping character work going on, and when they're struggling with payroll and supplies and have to divert to Trottingham and Vex has to tiphoof around the truth and they get set up as victims of a misaimed con you've got these very authentic conflicts that are perfectly capable of carrying a story, and then Eye Lash shows back up again and all I can do is wince along with the characters and watch the train wreck.
(That's a legit story to tell, just not my cup of tea.)
For that reason — and because of names like "Space Jam", which break me out of the story every time I read it — this is also in this weird grey zone between a parody and a random comedy and a serious story; it feels like on the whole it's transitioning toward the latter, but there are some elements where it just can't shake its roots, and that keeps the tone meandering. Again, this isn't necessarily a bad thing; take a look at, say, The 18th Brewmare of Bluey Napoleon and you'll see I'm pretty much the king of wandering tone. So that isn't meant as criticism so much as a roundabout frustration that the presentation of this particular story isn't working for me. For all that, though, this was excellent reading; I meant to skim a chapter or two to see how it had developed and ended up reading through to the end of Chapter 9. So, overall, kudos on the unexpected growth here, along with some wicked turns of phrase and smooth prose.
6747130 Thanks for the comment!
We're actually going to go back through the story in a few days to try to make it a bit more cohesive now that we're more familiar with the characters, so criticism like this actually really helps.
And, while I want to respond to some specific things you noted, we have pretty much the entire rest of the fic all planned out. Some of them are definitely addressed, but how they're addressed would be pretty big spoilers to some of my favorite upcoming bits.
So, while some stuff like the weird characterization in the earlier chapters will hopefully be caught and fixed when we go back through it, for some of the other stuff all I can say is "wait and see".
6747413
Okay, cool. And I'll note again that this is just my reaction, and I'm bouncing off the story, and no story is going to be able to satisfy every reader. Definitely get a second opinion, or else use this as a prompt for your internal discussions about what y'all want Lash's role to be (and how you want to approach the overall theme), because "we're having too much fun writing him how he is" is a totally legitimate response.
And I do agree with 6744683 that lines like
are fantastic, and that "quarter vampire by marriage" is right in my sweet spot of absurdity. Don't throw away the comedy as you grow the beard!
6748188
As one of the authors, I can say with certainty that this story began as a parody, and will continue to be a parody, no matter what happens in the story. We'll keep the laughs coming, despite all the action and seriousness going on. Nobody's losing their sense of humor in this, trust us!
And, shockingly enough, this is how Eye was designed. But I can't say too much on that front, spoilers n' such. But yeah, what you pointed out concerning how Eye acts?
It's just got us nodding our heads at a job well done.
This is going to be good.
6818017
Hope you enjoyed reading the story! Was certainly a ton of fun writing this chapter.