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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice tying "Three contemporary theories" and "The Princess" together. It's always nice to see characters who dip their toe/ankle/neckline into the Dark Triad get called on it in clinical terms.
So, just from reading this chapter, I'm going to have to say I enjoyed it. You don't quite have a unique authorial voice yet, something that makes what you're writing definitively you, but what author voice is here is unobtrusive. It allows the characters to breathe, it doesn't get in the way, and it lets the scene speak for itself. Which is to say, while I wouldn't be able to pick this writing out of a crowd, I find nothing about it worth picking on. It does nothing exceptional, but it does nothing particularly poorly either, which is a far more important stepping stone.
I think I'd get you an editor just to fiddle with word choice and placement. Even something as simple at the start as "Vex pored through her notes, frustration growing." would read better if it were ordered a little differently, especially since it's the first line of the chapter. The biggest problem is that it sets an action first and a visual second, which is rather the wrong way around whenever you're establishing something. Especially, there was a lot of lack of visual elements that would help let me paint a picture in my mind's eye for what's happening. I got a very strong tone and feeling, and sound was commented on well, but I don't see anything reading this. Little reminders that Vex is still a child, what colours they are, how their difference in size affects their interaction, how they move about in the room they're in... the devil is in the details.
Overall, the character dynamics were really nice, the science and research put into this was obvious and interesting without becoming obtrusive or bogging down the flow of the prose. I'd really like to see what you could do to explore these in a setting that wasn't so restrictive to it.
So I must admit I've not read the other chapters of this story, but this one still holds up quite well on its own. It gives enough view of the characters to allow me to follow, but not so much that I'm not aware I'm missing things.
Vex especially is very appealing, the small notes about her growing confidence in her TK and her frustration at being seen as childish really help paint a solid image of her personality. The fact she doesn't use her TK on the tea also hearkens back to earlier in the chapter very smoothly. The small mention of her backstory helps say so much about her without revealing much at all.
The small tea scene really helps a lot for showing the relationship between her and Jams, fleshing out how they interact with each other and feel about each other.
The focus feels very solely on Vex here and Jams is much less focus, but he never felt like he faded into the background, more that we learn very little about him. This isn't a bad thing however as I think trying to flesh out both would come across as too busy.
There were several parts that made me giggle, everything from the contemporary ethics comment about eye Lash, to The Princess book, to the legal principle about weapons and children.
The final scene was lovely, it's a beautiful show of how young Vex really is and how much growing she still has to do.