A Displaced Monster
written by Prince_Zodiac
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Could at least have included a link...
No link. for shame.
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6504197
Aw what? Dammit link thing screwed up. Hold on I'll fix it.
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There, fixed.
6504490 It works now. Good work BTW, even if a bit crossover heavy for my taste. I still enjoyed it none the less. (I am being a real hypocrite, considering the amount of crossovers compared to the amount of chapters for my story "Hooves of ice".)
6504578 thanks!
6643569 GOD DAMMIT! Ugh, I'll fix it when I can.
6667571 my displacer. It's clear if you read the other stories.
lets start with the good.
great choice of character, the background story was also very good, overall plot had some holes, but is overall rather solid.
now to the bad.
it feels like this story was mostly made to introduce characters as yours, rather than the character of the story.
now i know this is just my opinion, and im sorry to say this, but it was actually a fantastic story, in theory. what came out was not as great as it possibly could be.
quick summary(TL;DR):
if the main character(Lisa) was focused on a bit more, it could have been a fantastic story, with a possibly very detailed background story and a really well made story.
now that we got that out of the way, SLENDERWOMAN IS BEST SLENDER!
I really thought that this story had merit, it's got good story structure, decent character and plot ideals and integration into a larger arc, but It's execution throughout the entire story was rather sloppy, and led me to not enjoy what could otherwise be a great story.
My biggest hangups about this story seem to lie in mainly three points:
Pacing: This story, while having a solid storyline has pacing throughout it which rather ruins a lot of it's effect, with scenes jumping quickly from situation to situation without any real, proper development, which would be fine if the story was already established well, but as it is doesn't help it. One such example is the event gap between the ponies staying for a night at Lisa's home and the suddenly the next morning with the newspaper there's Celestia and large amounts of guards all over the place.
Meta: A lot of scenes in this have Lisa and the ponies otherwise reacting, talking and saying things as if they had prior knowledge about things or prior experience they possibly couldn't have. Likewise, several events that happen are rushed in such a way they they seem completely random, even when knowing about the series this lies in, and it detracts a lot. One example of this is Lisa's meeting with the ponies, and while the elements have never met her or the CMC never seeing anything like her, they react in a way as though they've seen something like her before instantaneously.
Characters: This is where I believe that the story suffers the most in this regard aside from the pacing. All of the characters, from the Hasbro Ponies to the Nightmare verse/Displaced characters seem to have little, if any proper character interaction, development or credibility. The point of where the story itself is roughly set after season 3, that is established. But from there, none of the ponies seem to have any personality in them, as though they were simply pasted straight from MLP Gen 4 with the bare minimum of their attributes. Lisa's treatment of the ponies likewise makes some sense, but had no foundation for it to build off of, making it seem rather weak. The ponies treatment of Lisa, on the other hand from the very get go is very bland, With the CMC getting attacked by the timberwolves you would assume them to act like frightened children, however they show none of that, and the Element's meeting with lisa at her cabin is little more than a few sentences of chit-chat and explanation as they pretty much show up straight at her front door, and suddenly friends. I'd imagine that even with the CMC saying that she saved them that they'd be a little more wary of a strange monster in the most dangerous forest in Equestria that apparently can easily defeat timberwolves , While Celestia's response to learning about Lisa is more of an appropriate response if a bit rushed in deployment.
All in all, Fantastic talent is hiding in this story and you yourself Prince_Zodiac, but you need to work at a lot of facets with the help of an editor before you could truly shine.
7680698 no, no it does not.