Chapter One: Monster, Or Savior?
Chapter One: Monster, Or Savior?
{Applebloom's POV}
"C'mon girls!" I yelled as I raced ahead.
"We're coming!" Scootaloo shouted back. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle caught up to me and we started walking through the Everfree forest. We were going to visit Zecora, we hadn't done that in a while.
"I wonder what she's been doing lately?" Sweetie Belle said.
"Yeah!" I said. "Hey, do ya think that she'll teach us how to make potions?"
"That would AWESOME!" Scootaloo said.
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS POTION MAKERS YEAH!" We all said together. We all started laughing, until we heard the growling. We all froze up, and slowly turned around. We saw green eyes coming from the shade of a nearby bush. The growling rose in volume and it started to sound, not like and angry growl, but a hungry one. Then, a timberwolf leaped out of the bushes, and landed right in front of us. It stared at us, with hunger in it's eyes. We were all frozen in fear. It started walking towards us. For some reason, I couldn't move. No matter how hard I tried, my legs wouldn't move an inch. It got closer, and closer, then took a swipe at us.
Suddenly, I was able to move, and so were Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. We ducked and ran, the timberwolf chasing behind us. It was staring to gain on us, and we had no choice but to start turning corners, trying to lose it. However, that wasn't working. It was like it knew were we would go, and would be able to follow us easily. It leaped at us again, and swiped in mid air. It got Sweetie by the back of the legs, but it also flew into a tree.
"AHH!" Sweetie Belle cried.
"SWEETIE!" Scootaloo and I cried.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"N-No," Sweetie said.
"Come on we've got to get out of here!" Scootaloo said. "That things is starting to get up!" I looked and, the timberwolf was indeed getting up. We hauled Sweetie onto our backs and kept running. The timberwolf got back up, and started chasing us again. It was much easier for it to catch up to us. We turned a corner, only to see a giant rock blocking our path. We were trapped. I turned my head, and saw the timberwolf. It was slowly creeping up on us. It then leaped, and I closed my eyes. I heard a crunch, and waited for the pain. I waited, and waited, but nothing happened. I opened my eyes. What I saw, shocked me. The timberwolf, was suspened in mid air, by a tendril of darkness, stabbing right through it's side. The tentacle like shadow then lifted up, and tossed the timberwolf away. The timberwolf got back up and fled, whining the entire time. The tendril of darkness retreated to my right. I followed it with my eyes, and saw the creature it belonged to. It was a tall, slender figure, that stood on two legs. It looked like it was wearing a short black dress, as well as a red tie. It had long black hair that was flicked to the left, and in it's hair it had a pin that had a crossed out circle on it. It also had no face. The head was there, but that was it. Something told me it was a girl. It turned and walked towards us. It then crouched down.
"Well well," it said. It's voice sounded like a girl's so I was right to assume she was one. She also sounded calm and kind. "What are three little fillies doing in my forest?"
"W-Well, we w-were heading to our friend Zecora's w-when that timberwolf came out of nowhere," I said.
"It chased us and our friend got hurt," Scootaloo said. The strange woman looked at Sweetie.
"Well that's no good now is it?" she said. She picked up Sweetie, stood up, and cradled her in her arms. She then pointed a finger at Sweetie's injured leg. A black substance came out of her finger. It wrapped around the cut, and then slipped off and returned to the woman's finger.
"Hey, what'd you do to her?" Scootaloo asked. She crouched and showed us.
"I just healed her cut, see?" she said. "Now come on, I think you've all had enough excitement for one day." I suddenly started to feel really sleepy. I fell, and blacked out. Just before I did though, I heard the strange woman say something.
"Good night little ones."
{Lisa's POV}
As the three little fillies fell asleep, I picked them all up into my arms.
"Good night little ones," I said. I then began walking towards Sweet Apple Acres. I can't believe a timberwolf would attack three little fillies. I mean, I know they're animals but still. At least I was able to find them. Had I not well, I don't wanna think about what have might happened.
After a little while, I made it to the edge of the Everfree, and Sweet Apple Acres was dead ahead. Ah, it's been so long since I was last here. I still remember when little Applejack was born. She was so cute back then! I can still remember playing with her every time she went to the edge of the forest, and appearing in her room to comfort her when she had nightmares and her parents weren't there. I had to come there a lot when her parents died. Man if only I had been faster, I think I could have saved them. Well, no use to dwell on the past. At least I was able to save Applebloom.
I set the three fillies down. I then look up. Applejack was working. She turned her head, and saw me. I gestured to the three fillies. I then waited, and when she blinked, teleported, just out of site. I watched as she ran up to the three fillies. She started to check them over, see if they were okay. After she confirmed they were fine, she started shacking Applebloom.
"Applebloom, APPLEBLOOM!" she cried. Applebloom then woke up.
"Huh, wha-?" she said.
"Applebloom are you okay?" Applejack asked. "What happened? I thought ya'll were visiting Zecora. Why are ya'll all the way out here?"
"Ung," Applebloom said. "We were, heading there but then, a timberwolf attacked."
"Oh mah Celestia are you okay?" Apple Jack asked.
"Yeah we're fine," Apple bloom said a bit more awake. "I mean, while we were runnin from it, the timberwolf scratched Sweetie's legs, so me and Scoots had to carry her. We kept running but the timberwolf cornered us. It leaped at us and I thought it was all over, but then we were saved by this weird lady that stood on two legs. She was wearing a short dress, and a red tie. She also black hair, and she had these black tentacles coming out of her back. She scared the timberwolf away, and healed Sweetie's leg. Then, for some reason, we all feel asleep, and then you woke me up." I giggled at Applejack's reaction. I don't think she could quite believe her sister, but she could also tell she wasn't lying. I wonder, does she still remember me? Ah well, I figure that out later. Time to head home.
I made my way into the forest. Eventually, I came up to my home. It was a little log cabin that was in a clearing that was deep in the forest. It had taken me several years to make it but I got it done. Having tendrils of darkness to do all of the heavy lifting certainly helped. I headed inside my little home.
Inside the house I had a living room that had a couch, a coffee table, and a T.V. It didn't have cable, but I did have a little cubord next to it that could give me every movie that was ever made back on earth. It even supplied me with new ones! That was courtesy of a friend of mine. The one that brought me here in the first place. I'll tell you all about him later. The rest of my house consisted of a kitchen, a dining area, a bed room, a closet, and an office were I could read. The shelves in there worked like my movie supplier. I asked for a book, it brought me the book. I went to my bedroom and flopped onto my bed, which is king size by the way, and fell asleep. It had been a long day, so I went out like a light.
I woke up an hour or so later to the sound of hoof steps. I also heard voices. I listened closely to hear who was outside.
"Who's house do you think this is?" said a rough voice. Rainbow?
"I think it's the house of that monster Applebloom told Apple Jack about," said another, smoother voice. Okay, that was Twilight. Also, ow. I'm not a monster.
"Only one way to find out!" said another, happier, voice. Definitely Pinkie. I then heard a knock on my door. I got out of bed, and walked to the door. Thankfully my hair doesn't get messy. I don't want to keep my guests waiting. I finished my walk to the door, and then opened it. The first person I saw, or rather, first pony, was Applejack.
"JACKY!" I cried with glee and scooped Applejack in my arms, hugging her. "It's so good to see you!" I then held her out. "What has it been, fifteen years? Look how big you've grown! Oh I still remember when you were just a baby! You were so cute back then! But now look at you! You've become a big strong mare!" I then put her down. "This is such a surprise! Oh, and are these some of your friends? Oh who am I kidding, of course they are! Who else would follow you this deep into the Everfree? Anyways, what brings you all here?"
"Um, I think you may have me confused with someone else cuz I have no idea who you are." Applejack said. I gasped.
"Applejack, that hurt," I said. " I mean I know the last I saw you, you were five, but how could you forget me? Don't you remember? I'm the one who used to play with you when you went to the edge of the forest. I used to come to your room to comfort you when you had nightmares and your parents weren't there. I was there every night for five weeks straight when your parents died. Don't you remember? It's me, Slendy." I could see some gears turning in her head. Come on Applejack come on!
"Slendy?" Applejack asked. I nodded.
"Yep, you used to call me that, even though I told you many times my name was Lisa." I said.
"LISA!" she cried and hugged me. I hugged her back.
"Um, Applejack you know her?" Rainbow asked.
"Yep," Applejack said. "When I was little, I always used to go to the edge of the Everfree forest and she'd be there. We used to play games all the time." She then turned to me. "But, I thought you were just an imaginary friend." I shook my head.
"Nope," I said. "I always told you I wasn't an image."
"So, wait, your the one who saved both of our sisters?" Rarity asked. I nodded.
"Just in time too, that timberwolf almost had them," I said.
"Well, thank you for saving the girls," Twilight said. Huh, she's an Alicorn now? Well, I guess I missed that. "Forgive me for asking but, what are you?" I crouched down in front of her, getting my face level with hers.
"Well, if you really want to know, I'm a savior that looks like a monster," I replied. "I'm the nightmare that keeps other nightmares away, and guides the good dreams to you." Twilight nodded, but Rainbow looked confused. "I'm a good guy that looks like a bad guy." Rainbow then nodded.
"Well I suppose we should all introduce ourselves," Twilight said.
"Oh, no need," I said standing up. "I can read minds." I can actually read minds, but I didn't need to for them. I'm a pegasister. "But none of you can so I need to introduce myself. My name is Lisa, the boss of the Everfree."
"How are you the boss of the Everfree forest?" Rainbow asks.
"Well, I'm the toughest thing out here and every other monster here is scared of me so...." I said.
"Oh," Rainbow said. I then turned to Fluttershy. I walked to her and crouched down again.
"Well you haven't said much," I said.
"Oh, well, it's just that, um, I'm, uh, very shy" she replied. I giggled
"It's okay Fluttershy," I said. "You're you, and if that means being shy, then so be it." She smiled at me.
"Thanks," she said. "No one's really said something like that to me before." I nodded.
"Well thank you girls for stopping by, but I'm kind of tired. I had a long day and I need some sleep," I said.
"We should head back too, it's getting dark," Twilight said. I looked up at the sky. The sun was already almost completely down and I could see the moon coming up. They all started to leave.
"Wait!" I said. They all turned to me. "You girls should stay the night here, I don't want any of you going in there after dark."
"Don't worry, we'll be fine," Rainbow said. I shook my head.
"No," I said. "Something in there has recently woken up from a long sleep. If it sees you, it will attack you, and even I can barely fend it off. I don't want any of you getting hurt."
"That's very kind of you darling." Rarity said.
"If there is something out there, then you're right, maybe staying wouldn't be so bad." Twilight said. I nodded.
"Come on I'll show you all around the house," I said.
"SLEEPOVER!" Pinkie said. We all walked into the house, and got everyone set up. Luckily I had some extra blankets just in case I had guests. I got them all set up in the living room. We all said our good nights, and then I went to my room. I collapsed onto my bed, and fell asleep.
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I loved it, can't wait to see the next chapter
Also, first comment, yay!
interesting story. I will give it a chance despite the common low standard many displaced-stories have these days, due to everyone just writing them without thinking about what they are writing.
You have gotten my attention good sir! Please me by providing another. Seriously good job so far. Plus I am the second.
Oh, goodie. Another fucking LoHAV.
Because there aren't too many of those.
Especially ones that turn them into Slenderman.
Nobody's ever done that one.
6274639, as I've said for others, if you have nothing nice to say, then, unless you can say it in a helpful manner as feedback, don't comment at all. I don't care what others have done. It's my own story, so I don't care if slenderman has been used already. And besides, I don't think Slender Woman has ever been used.
6274689 Dude, if your idea of making a unique character is adding a vagina, that's really kinda sad.
6274698 it's not. I'm just saying, I would prefer if everyone kept to good comments or helpful feed back.
And yet, only a few paragraphs ago:
Something a Slender can barely fend off... A Rake?
while i hoped that she would start a bit more acting sad, or being a bit more mysterious, it is better than your Metal Sonic story.
I hope you don´t end up needing to much time for an update, for every story, i mean i saw it already that someone had started to many storys, and he couldn´t really handle that much.
i haven´t seen all of your Displaced storys, but i think this one could be one of your best, or the best story.
However since you had written "Monster, or Savoior", i kind of expected Twilight, or some of the others to be a bit hostile at first, i don´t expected her to be friends with the main Chars so fast.
Anyway, you managed to make this chapter enjoyable.
You get a thumb up, and if you continue the good job, this maybe can be a favourite story.
I DEMAND MORE!
6274826 Apple Jack thought she was hallucinating, I mean, wouldn't you?
6274848 PM me if you really want to know the answer. I'm not saying yes or no, but if you want to know, PM me.
6274916 One, thank you for the helpful feedback. Two, it wont be too much because of what'll happen later on. Three, one word, betrayal.
6275032 THEN YOU WILL GET MORE!!!
6275085 THANK YOU KIND SIR!
6275090 YOU ARE WELCOME!
6275109 VERY WELL THEN!
6275082 .
i am very curious what this has to do with everything, but i guess i undestand it if i see it, i don´t want to force you to give me a spoiler for this point.
I am curious about what you are trying to do, i wait and see for now.
I am not good with my english grammar, and i don´t know how good i am with writing a full story, but maybe i try again later, i am kind of curious to try at least a Displaced one.
Does everyone read the writers guide? I mean how much is really necessary?, i think last time i tried, i was a bit overhelmed by the different informations, since english is just a second language for me.
I learn very easily about english, and i have much fantasy, but i am not sure about my grammar, i guess a proofreader, and an editor will help.
If i start to write to, i guess i only try one story at first, since i don´t think i can only focuse on writing if i have to many.
I just get really hyped again, since i started to really like Satsuki Kiryūin from kill la kill.
Do you know the feeling if you see a character that you don´t like at first, but after a few scenes, and a bit thinking you start to like it suddenly? Well if i finish the anime, maybe Manga an understand enough i probably try to write a story, but i don´t promise anything, i just need to get motivated enough.
6275122 I totally get that feeling. Thanks again for the helpful feedback!
more plz
I gotta say, I find this story quite interesting, but it doesn't really flow. It feels like it's following points on a graph. All I can think of while reading this. Is something my English teacher always told me, SHOW DON'T TELL. (sorry for caps) I have a feeling though that it will get better as you go along. I shall be watching your progress intently.
...
It doesn't flow very well. By that, I mean It's jointed. I've personally always found 1st person to be awkward to read unless done by an expert, so I won't rage about it, but try to use less "I" and repetitive names. I would suggest a proofreader, but not one that is overly vicious. Still, I'm intrigued, and will be watching.
-Sanity is overrated
I don't know... I don't really like this story very much. Lisa seems like a Mary sue character to me. She has a cabinet and bookshelf that provide her with infinite stuff, The mane 6 (aside from applejack who knew her already) seem too quick to look past her scary appearance, and the overall story doesn't flow very well. Not to mention that I think the Displaced concept is a little cliche at this point.
Im the 200! like yeah
6275072 Not quite. If I saw some kids passed out next to a dangerous forest and some thing next to them, gesture to them, then disappear, then the kids mentioned it when they woke up I would NOT think that I hallucinated it...
What would make more sense is if AJ only got a brief glance at her before she disappeared, not enough time to process what she saw, but long enough for her subconscious to begin connecting the dots, even if most of them are still missing.
Wait, you mean Applejack is totally fine with the CMC's going into the Everfree Forest by themselves?!
6279763
At least I haven't seen sunbutt yet, then again I've only read the first chapter, and this is after me clicking off to the home page three times already. I think I'm being to harsh on any displaced story's these days, and to me it's mostly that whatever power they have that can be excited there is a multiverse of others to cover there ass, with a celesti to always be evil of the secret lost love for the story to eventually forgot about ponies in the first place. To me it's just that I'm tired of reading them, and it's most likely just me being a butt and not giving this story a chance.
I've only read the first chapter, and... I'm afraid I might not continue.
It feels like the story was over before it even started. Lisa is happily adjusted to her new life and powers, and she has a home with any movie or book she could ever want. There's no conflict with her. The mane 6 show up on her doorstep for no reason. (How did they find her? Why do they care?) Lisa reacts like an ordinary hostess, gossiping about old times and showing off her home. She throws in that she has mind-control powers like it's no bigger deal than garnish on a pasta dish. (Oh, by the way, I have this, but I don't need it, obviously!) It's implied that she looks like a monster, but she doesn't act like she feels that way about herself at all. (She doesn't hesitate to show herself to others, doesn't move self-consciously or try to hide herself with clothing.)
She has some unnamed friend that set her home up with all the modern conveniences, and that might make a better story. She also has a long history with Applejack filled with the most serious thing that can happen to a child, and that would make a much better story, but instead it's glossed over.
I don't have a problem with the powers, but you need to treat them more seriously and give us at least a little arc where she grows into them. I know as an author it's difficult, especially with self-inserts, to take a step back and write a story besides, "Everyone else has problems but I jump in with my special powers and save the day and we're all happy forever the end!" Try and look at it from a journalist's perspective. What details will the audience find interesting, what are the most important parts that would go in a news report? When you learn to ask those questions about your own writing, it becomes easier to write believable, compelling characters with believable, compelling storylines.
You have flaws. I have flaws. The only person to have ever existed (if you believe the Bible) who was perfect was Jesus, and people hated him so much they killed him in the most brutal way they possibly could.
If you want to go that route, to have a character that has a special destiny, special powers, and is perfect in most respects, then the other characters should be written to have an appropriate reaction to that. Other people scheme against them to take what they have for themselves. Other people try to knock them down to, "Put them in their place."
I'm sorry this is coming across so critical. I think slendergirl is a novel idea, and was very excited when I read the premise, but it's clear you have a ways to go yet in your writing.
I think you meant "sight" and not "site" or?
You wrote this name throughout the chapter together so yeah. When I´m at it did you mean to write Applejacks name the way you wrote it or is that a cause of autocorrect?
YAY A PEGASISTER TURNED SLENDERWOMAN.....Slendergirl? I dunno BUT YAY!!!!!!
Well at least one author knows the difference.
More like 20K, but thats even better!
Now I can read to my leasiure without stopping right after the story starts.
Gimmie another chapter of the Nightmare familiar one, Your whiny and needy neighborhood Flutters Is Shy demands it!
This is pretty good!
Yay, a story that has slendy and a good plot!