First Kiss

TDoesn't Quite Work Like That.
MLP: FiM
Romance
Dark
Random
Rainbow finally has the courage to ask Fluttershy out
Alt. Universe
Anthro
Fluttershy
Twilight
Rainbow Dash
Luna
OC
Twyla In Wonderland · 1.4k words · 21 7 · 1.5k views

First Kiss

"So Twilight tell us about your first kiss."

Rarity asked Twilight a question while they were all at Sugarcube corner.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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Thundy

Thundy #1 · Jul 8th, 2015 · · 1 ·

The way it was written was interesting! I did like it! Though not much a fan of LunaxTwilight, but enjoyed the story!
Good job!

Frozen Feathers

Frozen Feathers #2 · Jul 8th, 2015 · · ·

I liked the story over all, but just a few suggestions. One, add more transitions to help things run smoother. Two, Wow, Rarity was kinda mean and Twilight would NEVER punch Flutters. Those two were kinda out of character. And finally, my GOD THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY! I was reading and I just see that twilight is beating up Fluttershy while yelling "F*CKING B*TCH". Other than that, it was a very good quick read, especially for one that only took an hour. Good job!

Frizzy

Frizzy #3 · Jul 8th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Grammar was sub par, characters used phrases that they wouldn't actually use, and the pacing was too fast.

Twyla In Wonderland

Twyla In Wonderland #4 · Jul 8th, 2015 · · 1 ·

6180244 When I was first writing the story instead of Luna it was Cadance, but my friend said it would be better if it was Luna. Thanks for the comment
6180420 Fluttershy slashed at Twilight and made her lip bust and bleed. I would be kind of pissed off if anyone did that to me. Rarity on the other hand....I have no idea why I wrote her like that, I thought that she would be a change instead of Applejack or Rainbow Dash. Thanks for the comment
6180462 Remember it was an One hour shot so pacing would be fast and possibly a lot of grammar issues. Thanks for the comment though.

Frozen Feathers

Frozen Feathers #5 · Jul 8th, 2015 · · 1 ·

Yeah, I can see that, I just thought it was kinda an over-reaction. Still a great fic, though

Twyla In Wonderland

Twyla In Wonderland #6 · Jul 8th, 2015 · · ·

6180860 Thanks

Astarea

Astarea #7 · Jul 11th, 2015 · · ·

Here's some corrections and tips:

I could already tell the quality of this story by this sentence; do consider using "Twilight and her friends".

The mane 6 were sat down at Sugarcube Corner;

I'll skip the dialogues ahead as the mistakes in them are not as glaring as the later ones, though the violence between a group of best friends is very off-putting.

Luna landed in front of the two princesses? You need to clearly specify who's doing what:

"Fluttershy please!" Luna cried as she landed in front of the two princesses.

ie: "Luna cried as Fluttershy landed in front of the two princesses."
Note: "cried" is a bit of a strong word, perhaps use "pleaded"?

Once again, Luna slashed at Twilight? Also, specify what was used to slash. Use replacement words to avoid repeating names:

She slashed at Twilight making her fall to the ground and went for Luna.

ie: "The yellow batpony slashed her claws at Twilight, making her fall to the ground and then went for the blue alicorn."
Note: "went for" is a bit too general, perhaps use "tried to attack"? Since later in the text we can tell the action failed.

This sentence demonstrates how to NOT use commas:

Twilight lifted her head up her lip cut open, and the side of her face busted bleeding like mad.

Ie: "The lavender mare lifted her head up, her lip cut open and the side of her face busted, bleeding like mad."
Note: "busted" doesn't really fit, maybe use "wounded"? "like mad" should be replaced by "profusely" (abundant; in great amount.).

So, she slapped and then continued to punch? As far as I know slapping is not punching. One uses an open palm, the other a closed fist.

She slapped her as Fluttershy whimpered. "FUCKING BITCH!" Twilight shouted continuing to punch her.

Ie: "She slapped Fluttershy, who whimpered. "FUCKING BITCH!" Twilight shouted, continuing to smack the yellow mare."
Note: General violence does mark this as a 'T' rated story, but the expletive could be considered 'M' rated. Consider using pony words: "BUCKING WHORSE!".

Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes! Lack of periods at the end of sentences create these long, nonsensical walls of words:

Fluttershy's eyes turned back to calm emerald blue and crying Twilight was pulled off by Applejack and Rarity took Fluttershy away with Rainbow, Applejack, and Pinkie as Luna pulled Twilight to the side.

Note: Consider reading sentences out loud, it works even for non-native speakers and makes it easier to spot mistakes in logic.

You should never use a comma before "and":

away with Rainbow, Applejack, and Pinkie

That's not how Luna would speak, "ain't" is a contraction AJ would use, consider "am I not?". Also once again, did Luna ask and nod?

"I'm your first kiss ain't I?" Luna asked as she nodded.

Is this the AU or part of the story where it was supposed to be Cadance? Because Luna could not watch Twilight grow up in canon, she was on the moon.

"I've known you since you were a foal. Watched you grow up into a beautiful mare." Luna said as Rarity ran over.

To sum it up, you shouldn't write stories and wait for editors. Try LEARNING something for yourself. Do you have no drive to improve as a writer?
Next, you wrote the characters OOC, we could easily replace all the names with normal female names and this story would still be valid; that's not how stories should be. We should recognize the characters just by their actions or speech patterns.
Also, the AU tag and the Anthro tag are a bit redundant. You do not describe anything that would differentiate between a pony, an anthropomorphic creature somewhere in-between or a human. You also don't give any clear indications at how this is AU.

6180462 Even if you just stated the obvious, you are correct.

Twyla In Wonderland

Twyla In Wonderland #8 · Jul 11th, 2015 · · ·

6191609 Thanks for the comment and yes when Luna explains that she watched Twilight grow up. Cadance was meant to be there. When I find out how else Luna would know I will add it in, however I have edited the other mistakes.

Dakingace