A Night with Four Mares

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Comments ( 7 )

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Whinifree

Whinifree #1 · Jun 14th, 2015 · · ·

1 view, but 6 votes.

Dashie Playa76

Dashie Playa76 #2 · Jun 14th, 2015 · · ·

I was close to cumming reading this (no joke, I was seriously close). So much detail. I just got bored but i want to actually read more, IK, I'm weird...

Luna Eclipse

Luna Eclipse #3 · Jun 15th, 2015 · 1 · ·

I liked it but if I could give a few critiques. While reading while I found the premise interesting and quite entertaining I couldn't help but feel like I was reading two stories mashed together into one. "Show not tell" try to focus on describing what is happening without explaining it, especially during explicit scenes(making the reader do some imagining is never a bad thing. It lets them picture what they want while keeping with the confides and premise of what you have laid out.)

Last thing i wanted to mention that I noticed. Keep focus on your tenses(Past, Present and Future) try to keep the story flowing in a single time span. I noticed that you flip flopped between "they are doing this" and "they did this" while you didn't use those phrases, that was the way the story read.

Overall I enjoyed this and look forward to more, please keep writing and improving.

I would be more than glad to beta(proofread and suggest edits) to(for) anything you plan to publish in the future and give you my opinion on them.

~Signed,
Luna Eclipse

(Edit: PS. Any questions feel free to message me)

Cloneman1234