Why I Do This

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My first ACTUAL shipping story about the relationship Doctor shares with Derpy. After haven a hard day trying to fit in, doctor prepares a day to make up for it.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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Rye Snoot

Rye Snoot #1 · Jun 6th, 2015 · · ·

Short but very good.

The Derpy Doctor

The Derpy Doctor #2 · Jun 7th, 2015 · · ·

6063995 Thanks again

TheSouthernBrony

TheSouthernBrony #3 · Jun 7th, 2015 · · ·

The feels... so strong! HNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Red Rover

Red Rover #4 · Jun 7th, 2015 · · ·

Staring at the trial through her wet eyes

The sun shown down and beat against her back, mocking her agony, telling her that the day was happy to everypony else. she was the only one upset. And why

The fic was short and it had Derpy in it, so I muddled thorough, but you could probably do better with an editor with a firmer understanding of grammar.
It started right off with Derpy crying, but didn't tell the reader why or attempt to touch upon the readers own feelings. It just comes off as, "I guess Derpy's sad. Whatever." You could have gone into detail about the interview and given the reader a chance to empathize with her, which is what I really go for in a fic.
Also, it felt like there should be more to the story. The scenes felt out of context somehow and you put importance on things that normally wouldn't be that important.
Though it was rough to read I could sort of see some of the good stuff in there. The Doctor's feelings for Derpy were in there, if not expressed very well. There's good ideas and emotions in your writing, but you just need to work on cleaning it up so the reader can find them.

CommisarSilver