After being told that she will die, Rarity finds a way to help all of her friends before leaving. Spike tries to find a way to deal with himself upon her going.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 14th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen Feb 13th, 2017
The Derpy Doctor
"There has to be evil so that good can prove its purity above it." — Gautama Buddha
The Derpy Doctor
Joined 14th Feb, 2015 ·
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Do you mean Rarity's house?
This was a very interesting story, although it seems that Rarity should have left some sort of note explaining what happened. Although I guess actions speak louder than words.
Am I hearing a shipping over there? You need to carry that out into another project improv, it'll b so awesome.
Great story btw, very cute!
6153593 Thanks.
6153931 Thanks.
But I did break my one rule.
25.media.tumblr.com/96247fb6291446c8886f5733066f2f09/tumblr_mlbiy5oljV1qasthro1_500.png
But ya know, it makes it better I think.
6153936 Yeah no kidding!
Hi! My name is Gogito and i'm an editor/proofreader for a few people on the site.
I wanted to make a few suggestions about how you could improve your writing and the story as a whole, because there are a few noticeable flaws present here.
Your first main issue is that there are glaring issues concerning grammar and basic writing forms.
Firstly, the phrasing and syntax of quite a few of your sentences, particularly outside dialogue, is poor.
For example,
'The report was directly in her eyesight, she was certain to dead within the week and should have been dead a long time ago.'
Could be something closer to:
'There was no denying the report in front of her; death was fast approaching, and it was only for the grace of Celestia that she had even lived long enough to read it. '
This happens fairly often and makes the story not only hard to read but at points hard to understand, which is something you absolutely cannot have in an emotionally driven one-shot.
“I wanted you to know that although I did give a lot of time and a lot of gems away to my friends that there is only one gem that matters to me and only one I want you to have...”
Moreover, run-on sentences like this also really take the reader out of a scene and look very awkward. Both of these are basic issues that a lot of writers face, and I suggest you look at either some of the top rated stories on this site (because let's face it, they're there for a reason) or one of the many writers guides available out there on tips for avoiding these problems.
Your word choices and constant switching of tenses also contribute to making the writing feel clunky and awkward.
'... makeup dyed her fur' (try stained)
'finding it need at most one suave to untie the coat of the kitten' I don't even understand what you're trying to say, here.
You also constantly switch from past to present tense and back again, sometimes within the same sentence.
Finally, you constantly add descriptions where they aren't needed. At least 15 times in this story alone the phrase '(colour) mare' appears; we know who these characters are from the show. The benefit of writing a story with established characters is that you don't constantly need to introduce or clarify physical details. For help on this, I suggest you google 'Lavander Unicorn Syndrome' because there is a very good guide on how to avoid this and why it is such a detractor from any piece of writing.
Your second main issue is that some of the plot points here don't make sense concerning the continuity and personality of the characters involved, which makes characters seem (and I hate to use this term) OOC, or out-of-character. For example, if Rarity is a terminal cancer victim with only a few days to live, why does no-one comment on her appearence? When Rainbow Dash crashes, how is Rarity able to heal her? Even when perfectly healthy in the show, Rarity (nor Twilight, for that matter) has been shown to have this ability (considering that an entire episode was based around Rainbow being stuck in hospital as a result of a crash). On top of that, every interaction between Rarity and her friends is basically:
'Hey, want a huge amount of my stuff/house?'
'But Rarity, why?'
'Dont worry about it, I'll be fine!'
'Oh, okay!'
And then we never hear them express concern or hear from them again, period.
The most glaring issue, however, resides in Pinkie Pie's section. What exactly is this scene trying to say? Does she love Cheese Sandwich? Why would Cheese come because Rarity just asked him to? There is no explanation for anything that happens here and it comes off as basically exposition of your own head canon.
I could keep going on, but I think you get the point. Please know that I at no point mean to insult your ability to write or you personally, but rather that I want you (and everyone) to grow from everything they write and become even better than they were before. I hope that you take some of this criticism on board and continue to write stories that you and others can enjoy.
6154217 woe, dude chill. I have an editor. I said so in the authors notes. I asked the readers to report any mistakes. The thing was I didn't have my editor when I was writing the story. Nice long comment, bruh!
6154331 I was just trying to give you advice because the story isn't very good, lol. Up to you whether or not you want to take it, I'm only trying to help you.
6156315 Yeah, I wasn't saying that he's not, I was acknowledging that I don't need an editor. I have one, he just wasn't here when I wrote this, so I asked readers. I'm not saying he's not a reader, I'm just saying I'm in no need for another editor.
6163973 I do too, it's nothing against him... or her.
It's short and it's good. 8/10
Okay here we go
The story felt rushed, leaving not as strong as an impact. Rarity's death felt rushed and not drawn out enough. Not to mention that I feel as if she didn't spend enough time with certain characters (Sweetie Belle and Spike) for example, Rarity spent little to not time WITH Sweetie Belle, which I think would definitely help the story as she is her little sister. Spike got his fair share, but Rainbow Dash didn't get crap from Rarity, she got healed and that was it, I mean, if you saw your friend injured and unconscious, you would help. Leaving me to think she had nothing planned for Rainbow Dash. She also just gave them all large chunks of her house and money ect. without explaining why. The Apple Jack and Twilight parts were necessary, but what about the Fluttershy thing? I don't think Fluttershy is that interested in money, it'd make more sense if she bought her special birdhouses or something like that. Not to mention the fact that her family could need that money in the future.
Second of all, there was no point in the show where Twilight knows an effective healing spell, hence the hospitals, so why would Rarity know a damn thing about healing spells?
I know I'm being sort of nitpicky, but I and sad stories a little more seriously as being mainly serious and having a big impact are very important to the story and without those elements, the story doesn't do well as a whole. So next time, try not to rushe the story and take your time with more than one chapter.
I'm sorry if this feels as if I'm trashing your writing but believe me I just want to help you get better.