The Gloom

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There's something important I want to tell you: our world isn't the same. I don't know how much that means to you though…but it means something to me. I want you to listen when I tell you this story, because, maybe then, it'll matter to you. And if it does matter to you, maybe, just maybe, there will be a speck of undying light in me...to bring back the good old days, away from the gloom.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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trombrony98

trombrony98 #1 · Jun 6th, 2015 · · ·

Hmm... not very often I see stream-of-consciousness style writing on this site. The setting seems a little contrived, but it's hard to make this style work in other settings. Personally, I'd write in a different style in the future, since this stuff isn't the most readable fare around here.

Now onto the story itself. This story was an extremely contrived setup to explore the character of Rainbow Dash. The conflict seemed to solely exist so that things could be miserable enough to have Rainbow do a self-analysis. Almost as if you were forcing yourself to write this idea. This could be fixed with a little less vagueness about what the gloom is and why it does what it does. However, the one thing I appreciated was how it nails the character of Rainbow right on the head. I can imagine each and every thought in this story going through her head. If you keep up this kind of characterization in the future, a little bit of work on the other aspects of your writing will have you golden.

Lunatone

Lunatone #2 · Jun 6th, 2015 · · ·

6061100

The idea with "The Gloom" was to make it as broad as possible so the reader can form his/her conclusion. I thought, as the writer, it would suit the story better, but then again my opinion on that is bias.

Also,I am glad you pointed out the characterization in your comment. I appreciate it.

Khao

Khao #3 · Jun 6th, 2015 · · ·

I think your description broke all the text on the site.

And it's kind of amazing.

Everything is itallics oh my god.

EDIT:
Yup, definitely, all text after your description becomes itallics on every page where it's visible. This is just hilarious.

Mocha Star

Mocha Star #4 · Jun 6th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Hm.
good first person but the story was kinda bland.

To many questions for me left me wanting answers I can't get, also good description of the industrialization however I personally don't see why, with larger cities across the land, Ponyville would be turned into an industrial super factory or why Celestia, among others, would let it happen.

Just an idea for a spin off tale.

Regidar

Regidar #5 · Jun 6th, 2015 · · ·

themouthofmush

themouthofmush #6 · Jun 8th, 2015 · · ·

this, this story, i don't know how to feel about it. it's nothing wrong or suffer in any way. the descriptions are good and amazing, but still, i don't know how to feel about it.

Lunatone

Lunatone #7 · Jun 8th, 2015 · · ·

6070166

Interesting. You've sparked my curiosity.

Do you have some form of an idea as to why you don't know how to feel about the story?

themouthofmush

themouthofmush #8 · Jun 8th, 2015 · · ·

6070497 i just don't know. i liked everything about it - the characterization, the dialogue, the background universe whatnot, yadda yadda yadda - yet it doesn't fit well with me for some reason that i can't figure out.

Lunatone