Dark doesn't always have to be depressing, morbid shouldn't seem so mundane, and romance without regret just sounds... insane, rather than sweet.
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Twilight decides to grant Trixie a wish after hearing of her hardship. Trixie really has changed, she's an honest mare now... so she demands the princess' death. And out the door she went, without a word. A lack of empathy, leading to the end of an immortal.
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leading to the end of an immortal?
Love and hate are two sides of the same coin.
This fanfic ddint deserve the dislike.
you should get an editor to proofread this, it is a great little story but errors here and there.
I'll be honest, I feel like there were a hundred little plot holes in just this relatively short one-shot. I mean, I could see you trying to be mysterious and all, but it felt more confusing than anything.
Instead of a guard finding then you should have had either Luna or celestia.
5683937
I wasn't trying to be mysterious at all... hmm, if you want you can elaborate. I don't mind if you do so here, I'd like to find little points where my writing could be understood by certain others so any critique would be helpful really. I admit I do leave my writing to where you have to remember events, but every piece is there, I always have someone saying I left things out or they didn't recall such. Just as well as I have others come and correct them saying this was here and such if you remember etc. But I repeat, any critique would be "greatly" appreciated.
5681946
Thank you for taking the time to read it. And, I agree with you one-hundred percent, unfortunately every time I've gone in search of one I always end up empty-handed. I wouldn't mind paying for a proofreader but it just seems so... impersonal, I'd like to find one or two I could actually befriend and find some other way to compensate them. I'm sure a stranger wouldn't want to just randomly proofreader my queer fables for nothing at all. After a month I'd given up on said pursuits, it serves as more motivation to improve little by little.
Wish me luck... if you want.
5684161
I thought of that, but I figured Twilight's guards never get enough mention, so I gave the shy little dears a bit more influence in the story.
5681715
I can't say if that's true or not, I'm a bit biased you know.
I just hope those who down-voted the fable actually read it, I doubt they did, but opinions exist for a reason.
5688431
It's just that I felt you danced around the subject of Trixie and Twilight's prior relationship too much. I found myself confused as to whether or not they were no more acquainted than in canon, friends, some crushing going on, openly talked about feelings maybe? Like there are references to Twilight doing something with Trixie prior to her wish.
Then we get the wish bit. Its not that its a bad idea, in fact, I really like it, but there is no establishment in the story as to the fact that the wish means anything until suddenly, BAM! wish, Twilight and Trixie die at the same time.
In general, I suppose my biggest gripe is that this fic is just too short. And I don't mean that in the facetious way people who really like something mean it, I mean it in the fact that there is lot going on this fic, and while the internal pacing is fine, fleshing it out with more details would make it far more enjoyable and understandable. I mean, if you made each little segment several thousand words long and set them all out as individual chapters, that would probably make for a very interesting and meaningful story.
I want to see more of this world you've given me glimpses of, its just hard to see right now because of how quickly I'm being forced to comprehend.
It takes especial talent to write detailed and intense short fiction, and to be honest, from your writing style, it feels like taking a longer approach would make for a stronger story. Thanks for responding to my comment, and good like with future writing.
5688552
If that's where you considered my being /mysterious/ came into play then, I suppose in your sense you were correct. I didn't want the relationship established so quickly outright, but I made their every intention clear and honest to the very end.
And as for fables, things take place whenever the writer chooses, it's down to opinion whether or not the pace is right or not, unfortunately matters like can be debated by you and I indefinitely an infinite number of times. It all comes down to what one prefers, though I agree that it takes a talent, not particularly special to write a decent one-shot, very true. But you said something of plot holes and what have you, as I said their were none to my knowledge but my eyes are biased, I'm well aware there are punctuation errors and grammatical as well laced like ribbon. Just as well that I always find myself not conveying my every thought and imaginative whisper and that is a fatal flaw time and time again.
I also what to thank you from reciprocating so quickly, I was close to finding repose actually, but I saw this just in time. I really do appreciate it, I also get the feeling you can be far more blunt than you're being, but I understand you're holding your tongue because you realize that most of all you've only spoken your opinion and nothing more. Further more putting anyone's fable in a folder called "Meh" is insulting in itself, I find it a bit funny considering you're a stranger but... it does come off as kind of harsh.
Though I have to wonder if this is all given in one piece and things or misconstrued or missed outright then I find it hard to believe it would be better for you piece by piece. It would just be more for you remember, or comprehend as the story goes on, but I've no idea how your head functions, being why I don't want to sound rude. Especially to one who had the heart to comment in such an honest way at all.
Although you did speak earnestly and I /believe/ I have a better understand of what you felt from the story itself, I really will need to work on so many things, getting a proofreader is a must... that our just becoming the proofreader I need to be myself. Either way I look forward to whatever you have for me next, I don't want you to be cruel, just honest. Like your placing of my fable in a folder with such a name. XD
Oh, and about those plot holes you spoke of you, you could list them in bullets here or in a message if you wish, or without bullets at all. I surely don't recall any myself, but I'm the same creature as you. I can and have been wrong in my lifetime, and I'm thankful for that.
Silly.
Twilight could have reacted much more... logically.
"...Oh. So your wish is for me to die at the same time as you do? Granted." - she offered dismissively, as her horn flashed with a spell.
"...What?"
"You heard me. Your wish is granted, Trixie. We will die in the same time. Or more accurately... we will never die." - Twilight`s smile was mirthless - "You should have known better then try to trick an alicorn, Trixie. I do have the means at my disposal which you could never fathom. Enjoy your newfound immortality. It`s probably not what you wanted, but... Do come back when you`ll be ready to admit what is that you really want."
All right, Picard.
Awful
Such passion. Such fire...such desire. Forcing one to think of the other for so long as to make such thoughts turn into a want, a need...I enjoyed it greatly!
Oh Trixie most definitely attacked Twilight.
She RAVAGED her later on I'm sure.
From now on, whenever someone mentions 'autism romance', I will remember this fic.
11328210
I take it you're autistic then, thanks for being the first with autism to comment on this story.~