Twilight knew right from when she was a foal, she wasn't interested in 'dating' as so many promptly put it. She always blamed the books for this, as she wasn't really interested in making friends either. But after that fateful day when she defeated Nightmare Moon, she knew, deep down, that there had to be something else to it. The thought never really concerned her until a certain blue mare had ended up staying with her.
This is an Alternate Universe. Anything that may not be accurate should be accepted as such.
RATED TEEN FOR: Violent Imagery, Foul Language, Adult humor, Sexual Innuendos, and Subject Material That May Be Inappropriate or Even Offensive To Some Audiences. Please do not read if you are easily offended. (Reason I did not rate Sex is because there is no explicit sex scenes)
(Found the cover image due to a very helpful ponyponipon3)
Yay!
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Yay?
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No, I meant I liked it
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Thanks!
We need to see more TwiXie fics again, thanks :3
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TOTALLY gonna be up today!
I LOVE TRIXIE AND TWILIGHT THERE SHOULD BE MOROOROROROROEEEE
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Thanks!
Sweet! A new Twixie. Looking good so far.
And hey Twilight, psst, your friends are jerks.
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Yep! Absolute jerks! Heh! Twixie needs more love!
Will this story have sex(off screen or otherwise), the implication of sex, or any sexy moments?
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ACTUAL sex is a no. I don't write sex scenes, and if I did, the story would have been rated mature and had sex tagged in it. Maybe I will give implications, however.
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Yep! Twixie is life!
Princess Twilight's mere presence inflicted critical damage on Trixie's tsun outer shell, leaving only a soft dere interior.
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Caught her by extreme surprise! I'd probably be the same way!
I feel I have to point out that recipes using bitter almonds for flavoring is actually very common, at least in Europe. The dosage is kept very low, though, since it's used as a spice, not fodder like regular almonds. (One article I checked just now says 1-70 nuts could be lethal to an adult, depending on their sensitivity.) This scene doesn't really make it clear whether Pinkie used bitter almonds for spicing and Twilight overreacted, or if Pinkie had made a cake out of bitter almonds and Twilight was thus justifiably concerned.
I also want to warn you not to throw Twilight's friends under the bus and make them unlikable just to make Twilight and Trixie look better. That tends to just offend readers who like them, and it actually doesn't help that much. I'm not criticizing, I just want to offer my advice since you obviously want this story to be the best it can be, and certain pitfalls are easy to fall into even when you don't mean to. I always enjoy new and well-written Twixie fics, and this is looking promising. Keep up the good work!
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) I will have the characters all apologize in some form, but the reason I didn't have Pinkie apologize in the given moment is because she was arguing with Twilight in legalizing a fetal cake.
Bitter almonds must be processed carefully before using them in a recipe. They can't be put in raw or it will contain dangerous amounts of cyanide. Besides the fact, this is Pinkie Pie we're talking about. When she does something crazy, she does it big! Also, no, I am not making any of the characters unlikable at all. Pinkie Pie is actually my favorite out of the main six! And I'm not pointing any hate towards them due to the first chapter. (I would have actually reacted in the same way, due to the circumstances. YEAH I'm a jerk who laughs at single friends
Thank you for the feedback!
Jesus this is getting so many likes!! Nearly 30 already! Wowee!
Wait, Trixie knows who Spike is and that him helping Rarity is "typical"? Maybe I've forgotten more about Trixie's previous appearances than I thought...
I don't usually read ongoing stories, but i gotta say this caught my interest. Interested to see how this goes!
Awesome, please keep writing
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It's painfully obvious to everyone!
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Thank you everybody! I will indeed update soon and I'm glad you are all enjoying my story!
7184022 Well yeah, everyone who hangs around Ponyville and makes nice with the locals, two things Trixie was 0-2 on, coming into this. In my head, Trixie was never around long enough to catch Spike's name or see enough of his interactions to establish the pattern of his supplication.
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I have a head canon that she figured that out while making everyone be her slaves while she was under the influence of that amulet.
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Fair enough. I don't remember if it's been confirmed or not that she remembers everything that happened while under the influence, so that works.
I like this, I just wonder on Trixie's actions. She's being less herself than normal, or this might just be your interpretation of her, we all have one.
I guess she could be affected by the fact that Twilight is a princess now, and that's why she is so quiet and, almost, respectful. Kind of sad if that is the case, but, I can see her being extremely uncomfortable right now. She is now kind of dependent on somepony else for help, and I can't see her not feeling weird about that.
Heh, the common behavior of a Dine n' Dasher. Shows us a little bit on just how bad Trixie's life started to go. It is funny how quickly Twilight buys the lie about her just being too busy to sit down and eat for long. And Trixie's awkwardness just makes the lie harder for her to say.
First day around somepony that actually cares about her, so, yeah. I can see her being in her own head most days and ignoring the presence of ponies around her.
Definitely a different Trixie then I am used to. Nothing wrong with it, I just kind of expect her to be a lot more indignant, especially at Twilight's remark about Trixie's financial situation. I dunno, I can only assume something bad happened to change her like this mentally. She just seems a bit too accepting of others taking care of her, if that makes sense. And, again, this is just my opinion.
....purple dragon, scales, breathes fire? He's constantly an ornament you wear on your back, Twi!
Curious to see more, again, not sure if we just think different on Trixie, or if something major happened to her we don't know about yet, she just seems off to me in this personality wise.
Woo-hoo, new chapter!
And yay, im helpful!
Let me guess, Trixie was raped. That or the one night stand was really unpleasant. Her reaction says that it obviously was something she did not want to remember.
You get +1 for style, +1 for Twixie, but a -1 for FlutterCord and a -1 for Dislestia, so it all equals to 0.
If you want to score some points in my book, next chapters better be amazing
I think like the story has quite uneven pacing. It has slow telling moments (remember: show not tell) closely followed by fast, chaotic ones.
I feel like descriptions are your forte, and interactions are still a bit problematic. For example, what happened between Trixie and Twi was much too fast. No talking, no questions asked, just straight to the case. I feel like this chapter could've easily exceeded 2k words.
Also, possessive form of "princess" is "princess' ", ending with an apostrophe. "Princesses" is plural.
Getting a proofreader and an editor wouldn't be a bad idea. They'd help polish some rough edges.
Overall, a decent little story, though.
7184051 I concur. It was the first thing that caught my attention in this chapter. For Trixie Ponyville is ab alien environment, she shouldn't know Spike's crush. He'll, she would rather refer to him by "your little assistant" rather than by name.
Also: no Sparity please!
Also also, it's always Spike that cooks not Twilight. Yes, she could've made an exception, but an exception - nothing more.
Few technical issues would be that you tend to use short sentences. Don't be afraid to use the comma, really!
I also feel like the romance is too obvious and progresses too fast. It feels like you're hitting your readers with a hammer with "THEY LIKE EACHOTHER" written on it. We're, what, 6k in and you're further than what many fics achieve after 16k.
Yet again, too fast, too chaotic, too much going on too quickly. Slow down the pace a little. Give the words time to sink in. Make some character development, relationship development, all that stuff that makes a romance.
Right now, lemme guess: by two chapters the thing with Trixie will be solved.
Some ponies were also either slightly OOC or slightly over the top.
Some grammar and spelling mistakes as well, one especially glaring issue would be a word with a completely different meaning than intended used near the beginning.
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Okay, I'm going to reply to these the best I can.
First of all; I'm not even going to address your subtractions due to ships, because everyone ships different things, so (and I ask this in the nicest of ways) please don't judge my story based on what you ship differently. I'm not really good with pacing, in fact this is probably my best story with that. I can't really make dialogue more detailed, or it will be overwhelming. Dialogue is my weak spot, but I'm working on it. You're right about descriptions being my forte, I love writing those. I will fix the princess thing when I can; that was my bad, won't happen again. Not getting an editor though sorry, too long and rigorous of a process. I have already addressed that the fact that Trixie knew about Spike's crush was during her ruling over Ponyville. I will discuss this more later in a blog post. Please remember that this is an Alternate Universe. I don't ship Sparity, I ship Applespike. Spike is known to sleep in, how would he cook breakfast. I can't imagine Twilight not being a control freak about that. I don't think admiration is a for of crushing, although it could lead to that. Keep an open mind about the facts that are presented in later chapters. If you can tell me what these grammar mistakes are, then please do. Otherwise I simply don't have time to go over the entire story again. Thank you for your criticism.
7260241 The comment with ships was a joke, so no hard feelings here.
Those two things could be a potential detriment. If you are not willing to put some additional work besides writing into your story... Well, I don't know what to say.
As for issues with chapter 4 alone:
"Trixie loves every single moment of it."
If you start with using past tense, use it everywhere. A random present tense sentence doesn't look good.
"Defiantly better than microwaved slop or crappy"
Defiant - (adjective) characterized by defiance; boldly resistant or challenging.
"cafe"
A nitpick, but it should be café.
"which wasn't something she normal thought of when she remembered her past."
normally
Do forgive me if I don't go over the chapter any further. I simply don't have time to go over the entire story again.
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I do admit I may look lazy when I say those things, but I really DO NOT have the time for it. After school finally ends maybe, but right now I have so many things to focus on. Such as all the damn work teachers suddenly decided to shove into my face on the last few weeks of school. I will correct those grammar mistakes when I can. But I'm glad the shipping comments were just jokes.
7261750 If that's the case, I'm waiting for when you review the story and correct some mistakes. And get an editor.
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Maybe.
Coolio! Over 500 views! Thanks guys!
Just got my chance to catch up with this...
MORE!!!!!
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
1:15_6/21/2016
This was okay.
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I did rush through chapter 5 a bit, but don't worry, the next chapter I guarantee will be FANTASTIC!
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Thanks! More will be out soon!
Oh my.
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.... glad you liked it?
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Of course I did, it's Twixie.
7172694 why is it that I find you everywhere these days?
Oh my god, I love this.