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When Mr. Rich gets fed up with his daughter's lack of money sense. He forces Diamond Tiara to work at Barnyard Bargains to teach her the value of money, humility and hard work.
Will Diamond survive working long enough to earn her keep and prove her father wrong. Or will she find having a job too disgusting and will have to find a sugar daddy to take care of her.
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Diamond Tiara gets a WHAT!?
*imagines what Diamond's first job might be like*
That glimpse into the bipedal world... that's a nightmare situation for any single dad I'd imagine. xD
Oh god. I'm loving this. And it's just the first chapter. xD
This story got 300% cuter.
*finishes reading*
This was too much fun for one chapter. *head ass-plodes*
I think I'd rather deal with pony Diamond.
This is a very interesting story, but there are some things you may want to edit. The most noticeable being the lack of question marks, for example:
I'd recommend put question marks in before the exclamation points.
I think it would be better if Diamond Tiara "sniff" was a separate thing before the quotation marks, otherwise it seems like she's saying "Sniff" out loud.
Again, I would put question marks before the exclamation points.
I highly suggest replacing that "and" with a comma.
That should "you're".
First, that comma should be a semi-colon. And second, That should be "It's".
For both of these, I'd suggest putting a comma after Filthy Rich says, "Now my boy".
That should be "won't"
That should be "you're", and I suggest adding a comma after "work".
First, that comma should be a semi-colon. Second, that "and" should be a comma. And third, there should be a comma after "asleep". I look forward to reading what happens next.
5508712 Fixed. Thank you for pointing those out.
5508867 You're welcome. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
5508867 Oh, just realised another thing we both missed.
There should be an "I" after "can", and this sentence should end with a question mark.
5508712 Allow me to nitpick the nitpicks you missed in your nitpicks:
had gotten
Both
of thosethe second and third commas are incorrect and should be periods, or semicolons or colons or whatever.Also, I'd recommend commas preceding as well as following the insertions of "my boy", though I believe they are optional.
brush
fall
Also, the "and" between "go in her room" and "collapse on her bed" should be a comma like the other example that you suggested the change to.
I would personally add a comma after "bed", but that is an issue of style. Even though my style is right
5509176 Collapse is actually grammatically correct. Humans FALL. She's not anthro in this story. Unless she falls on her side... She collapsed onto her bed. Her legs giving out from all the exhaustion. She's a quadruped not bipedal. Not to mention in the context it just sounds better then fall, gives more weight to how she feels, driving home the exhaustion we were told about.
5508901 I actually believe that one is more casual speak; How Diamond talks. I'd argue to leave it as is for the purpose of accent/mannerism; flavor. Only add a ' before "have" (i.e. 'have).
We have now learned why The Guard is so ineffectual and how Shining Armor managed to shimmy his way up the totem pole so quickly: it is because they are otherwise staffed entirely with whiny spoiled brats.
5509591 You misunderstand. Both "collapse" and "fall" (as in "fall asleep") occur in that sentence, as separate events. My relevant corrections were as follows:
1. "Fell" should be "fall", in keeping with "go in her room" (not went) and "collapse" (not collapsed), since the past tense is taken care of by "all she did was..."
2. The three things she did are presented in list form, ungrammatically, thus: A and B and C. It should be A, B, and C, or, if you're dumb, A, B and C.
5509840 Ah. Heh, I saw "fall" on your list there and somehow thought you meant to say he needed to replace collapse.
Also: 9.50 an hour? I'd kill for store pay like that at the bottom rung.
5508557 You and I both
5509840 Actually, leaving off the Oxford coma is grammatically correct albeit confusing.
5511202 Yes, I indicated that with the earlier comment "that is an issue of style. Even though my style is right
", and subsequently continued the joke by labeling the non-Oxford-comma version a "dumb" option (as opposed to not an option at all, which would be the case if it were incorrect).
would have been nice to see what she actually did for her first job, I understand that you had to set up the story, but that could have been the first chapter, while her actual shift (and any subsequent mishaps) could happen in the next. You should probably think about getting an editor, and it would do you some good to make the characters seem less one note
5511648 Eh, I hadn't seen your earlier comment. I do prefer the use of the oxford comma though:2fm9xz2drvqemrbu.zippykid.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/oxford-comma-tebow.jpg
5508557
I'd say human Diamond lucked out to some degree (relative to her peers). Fifteen is later than most girls start their periods.
I'm not sure If the interaction between Diamond and Button was how it sounded, or an intentionally misleading innuendo.
this is going to be good. *favorites*
Also, I couldn't help hearing this constantly every time Rich talked to Button.
[youtube=gDeBXhZRZfU]
5554776 You are the ONLY person who got that reference. You Win.
5554871
For some reason I kept thinking that Rich's face turned into the King of Hyrule from those accursed Zelda CDI games when ever he said my boy.
...Also, the split to the Human world DT was oh so enjoyable.
Waitwaitwait...Is Button with Diamond or Sweetie? I'm so confused...
5560465 Think about it.
Cleaning the bathroom.... Not it!
I can relate to Diamond's plight. Ended up cleaning a bathroom as busywork for my on-campus job at college. Fortunately, it tended to be very clean, so it wasn't so bad.
I cackled like a hyena at the part with the Pain-Bot. Seriously, that's hilarious.
Nice chapter, but there's a couple of things you may want to edit.
That should be "It's".
And that should be "let's".
5561152 Fixed. Thanks again.
5560465 /)both(\
It was implied at least in Diamond's talking out loud while she was in a relationship of some kind with the two of them. You know, one of those cool people you agree can join in on the fun because you both like them? It can be a guy or girl thing. One partner is so last century. :p
5560465
I think he's with both, in the beginning chapter with Diamond's dream, both Button and Sweetie were mentioned.
5560504 ...THAT LUCKY LITTLE...Ehem. I think I get it now...
what is exactly is barnyard bargains? like what do they sell and stuff?
also
Dinky, go burn in a fire
5592944 Barnyard Bargains is like a shopping mall of some kind and sell many things from ink and quills to world ending robots. Yep, Barnyard Bargains has it all.
DT must go through the hell which is Inventory Management.
Ok Diamond, today you will be unloading pallets from the back.
UH, fine. How many of them?
Five.
Oh, that shouldn't be too bad.
If only you knew what five pallets really means.
The premise is good and there's a lot of good jokes in the story, though I did think the implication that Sweetie, Diamond, and Button Mash are in some kind of three-way relationship a bit gratuitous. Hopefully it'll be updating again soon.
The biggest issue I found with the story was how frequent the grammar mistakes were. Here's a few recurring ones I noticed:
1) Inconsistent paragraph indentation. Either indent them all, or don't indent any. As you're double spacing between paragraphs (thereby already causing them to stand out from each other), the latter would probably be better.
2) Punctuation problems. The most notable were the dialogue punctuation errors; this is a very good guide that covers most of the errors. I highly recommend reading it (the rest of the document is good, but that's an especially important part); if everyone read that guide to dialogue, 95% of dialogue punctuation errors would be fixed.
3) Inexplicable changes between tense. The story continually changes between present and past tense narration, especially in chapter 2. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:
The "the" at the start should also be capitalized in its context, but look at the verbs. "Stomps" is present tense, but "walked" is past tense. Either narrate the action entirely in present tense or entirely in past tense. Past tense is the preferred form (the only time present tense narration has worked in my experience is in a first person story), so I'd go with that.
4) Two more minor things I should note. A lot of times you write "lets" without an apostrophe when it should include one. "Let's " with an apostrophe is a contraction of the phrase "let us" while "lets" without one is simply the present tense version of the verb "let." If you're unsure which is correct, replace it with "let us." If the sentence makes sense, use the apostrophe. If it doesn't, don't use it. Also, I notice you're capitalizing after semicolons, which you shouldn't be doing.
Anyway, I know I spent a lot of time on the grammar, but mostly because I actually liked the story for the most part, and if you were to fix the grammar issues it'd be more enjoyable because they'd be less distracting.
5722304 Hey thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you like the story and I have been working hard to fix my many grammar mistakes. So don't feel like you wasted your time with that paragraph. The main reason that the grammar was so distracting was because I put these chapters just a week after the last one without editing.
But that's still no excuse for that.
5729926 erm.... when is the next chapter? I like this story alot. It's funny...
I'm saddened that you haven't made another chapter.
5762314 I'm gonna keep it real with you ok? The truth on why hasn't there been another chapter is because one of the characters is a pain to write for. And the jokes were kind of not to par with me. Either they were not funny or made no sense so I taking my time with this one. Its not dead or anything so don't worry. Diamond's adventures in the working world will continue.
were is the kawaii, the nosebleeds, the yuri/yaoi you disappoint
The only easy day in retail was yesterday. I speak from experience.
Especially if yesterday was anywhere between Black Friday and the end of January.
I love Sakura-chan, she's so adorable!
5769806 Not yet.
5769847 I feel your pain my friend.
There's some things you may want to edit, mostly missing apostrophes.
Also, "mares".
5770390 you win this time.
I really like the way some ponies talk. Its pretty funny how the characters react with each other too.
Can't wait for more.
Soon I finally get to reading this chapter....
Pipsqueak, grow a pair and quit with the QQ like damn.
This story needs an editor. Kinda badly.
Okay, first: present tense or past tense - pick one and go with it. Second, little errors like this: "I'm I gonna die?"
What was the scene with human Diamond for anyway? It has nothing to do with the story and that's not even mentioning that she's 15 and has never had her period? That's unbelievably late and I'm pretty sure by that time she would have noticed.
You have an amusing idea and it even has potential, but I'd definitely recommend getting a 2nd set of eyes on it.
9:50 an hour? Is that Equestria's minimum wage? I need to go there.
Wait! Apple Bloom is pregnant? Who in the name of Faust got her knocked up?