The window through which we perceive life is what defines our experience of it. We are only aware of a small fraction of what our senses pick up. We can all choose how we see the world.
Detrot has been known for its notorious gangs and crimes against the law and innocent civilians, that comes to a boiling point when a crime that has been unsolved for three years is a private detector's number one priority to close the case for good.
Along with three unlikely allies by her side, they intend on bringing this criminal to justice.
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I need to follow this for reasons.
5468489 Do as you wish.
5468492
Mostly because the Gilda episode of an AU fic I'm writing is gonna be a film noir detective flick starring Gilda as the hard-bitten gumhoof.
5468520 I can tell it is gonna be great.
5468524
In a world full of zeppelins and cloth-skinned propeller planes and steam power and budding diesel and Pinkie as a mad scientist inventor Tesla analogue.
5468532 Hmm... that could work.
It looks interesting but I'm having a very difficult time keeping track of what is going on. Your pronoun usage (He/she/they/them ect.) is baffling.
Let's take the first little bit for an example.
"A police vehicle drove past the trash that littered the corrupted streets of Detrot, in hot pursuit of a convicted criminal accused of murder. The officer quickly turned his steering wheel to the right as she maneuvered around the corner, all four wheels of the vehicle splashing against a small puddle on the street.
“Police! Stop your vehicle immediately or I’ll start opening fire!” The officer projected her voice through his megaphone."
Specifically this part: "The officer quickly turned his steering wheel to the right as she maneuvered around the corner"
A pronoun refers to the last applicable noun used. So in this case, the pronouns "She" and "his" both refer to the officer. So right off the bat I don't know what gender the officer is.
This happens again here: "The officer projected her voice through his megaphone." Again, remember that pronouns refer to the last used applicable noun. So in this case, once again "her" and "his" are both referring to the officer. So again, what gender is this officer? Later on we learn that the officer is Trixie (I think) none the less, this is needlessly confusing to readers.
"Once Private Eye’s interrogation room came into view, she walked into the room with Masquerade in her grasp and Private Eye’s pizza. Trixie sat Masquerade down on a seat with his hooves still cuffed and he felt the cold metal rip his freedom away in that moment."
Remember that page break bar you inserted into the chapter before this paragraph? That usually indicates to a reader a change of scene or perspective. When that happens, it's best to not use pronouns at first and re-establish who is who again.
For example, in that paragraph, the word "she" is Private Eye. So it reads like this: "Once Private Eye's interrogation room came into view, Private Eye walked into the room with Masquerade in her grasp and Private Eye's pizza."
But of course it was Trixie walking in with Masquerade, not Private Eye. So in order to re-establish who's who, you should probably write it something more like this "Once Private Eye's interrogation room came into view, Trixie walked into the room with Masquerade in her grasp and Private Eye's pizza."
Other than the rather ambiguous use of pronouns, this story seems decent. I'll be keeping an eye on it.
5476147 Thanks for pointing the errors out, I'll be fixing them immediately!
The story's premise is interesting so far, so I'm curious as to how it will go. However, I would change a few things.
I'm confused as to what this sentence is supposed to show, unless I'm missing something. I'd recommend changing it around a bit to make it clearer.
I'm guessing that Trixie is supposed to be the officer in this universe. Given that Trixie does come from canon, you don't have to go into detail of what she looks like, but some buildup to the reveal wouldn't hurt in my opinion. That's how I'd do it, but go with whatever you think is best.
Should read as: "So, Masquerade, we meet again."
I'd suggest splitting this up into two or more sentences. Also, the use of "mind" twice here is a bit repetitive, so I'd recommend changing that around to add more sentence variety.
Anyway, you definitely have something interesting here, so I'll leave an upvote and track the story. I'll comment on the next chapter as soon as possible.
5482170 Thank you, I'll keep correcting any more errors.
5482179 You're welcome!
I have to admit I really enjoyed reading your action scenes. They had the right ebb and flow that had me on the edge on my seat. Really good stuff.
5482659 Thank you, Regina!
A few things that I noticed:
This sentence doesn't make much sense to me in regards to allowing music to flow through them. I think I see what you were going for here, but I'd rearrange this sentence to exclude the word "allowed".
Separating these segments with a period instead of a comma would work better in my opinion.
Should read as: "was that the same pony who was in the group that you were suspicious of from the start, Ace?"
Seems oddly placed in the story. It's an important detail and should be kept, but I'd try to see if there was a more suitable place to include this.
Anyway, you have an interesting story so far, so I'll continue to track it and see where it goes.
5489054 Thanks again!
5492141 You're welcome!
No more?