Puppet Strings

by Sweet Berry

Chapter 2 [Revising]

Deep in the Everfree Forest, the ruins of the old castle were serving as the Lunar Revolution's headquarters. Luna was holding a meeting in the humid library to discuss the future of the revolution. Applejack and Pinkie Pie stood on either side of her desk, as the members of the rebellion shouted and argued around them. The air of the room was tense, the heated discussions only added to oppressive atmosphere. Luna waited as the last of the representatives from different towns and cities pushed in to the already crowded library. Ponies from across Equestria had joined the movement. Already the rebellion had around three hundred followers and was only growing.

Luna stood, and walked around her desk, quieting the room with a stern look. "Comrades of the Lunar Revolution! For how long did we live under the sun lies?

"A thousand years!" The crowd responded, shouting at the top of their lungs.

"For how long did the sun lull us into ignorant contentment?"

"A thousand years!" The revolutionaries were getting fired up, gradually growing louder and more rambunctious.

"For how long has the sun stolen away our faust-given rights?"

"A thousand years!"

"For how long has the sun looked down upon us and stolen our riches?"

"A thousand years!"

"For how long has the sun sat and watched while we worked ourselves to death for her comfort?"

"A thousand years!" roared the crowd.

"For how long did we suffer under the sun's iron hoof?"

"A thousand years!"

"For how long will we stand for this? No longer! No longer will we stand for such betrayal!" With each question and response, the crowd cheered, getting more and more passionate with each passing moment. The outrage and discontentment spread like a wildfire across the room.

Luna paused, before returning her attention to the crowd, "Remember, comrades, I am one of you! I, too, have been oppressed by the sun. Just like you, I have spent a thousand years locked up with no rights of my own. We have done nothing to deserve this treatment and we will fight against it. No longer we will sit back and take this poor treatment. Your support and faith in this revolution is what will make this a success. Without your sacrifices and hard work, we will never be able to give ourselves and future generations a better life. They may take away our lives, but they may never take away our freedom!" She emphasized the word freedom as the crowd nodded, hanging on to her every word.

Luna took a deep breath and continued, "Today and, Faust willing, many days after this, we will stand tall as the illusion of peace is stripped away. For today, we have the Element of Laughter, and the Element of Honesty in our midst!" She gestured to Applejack, "You can be assured that I will never lie to you as the sun has. For Applejack Apple, Bearer of the Element of Honesty, will not stand for such lies!" The crowd cheered, stomping their hooves in appreciation for Applejack, who blushed, taking off her hat, and giving a humble nod. Luna then gestured to Pinkie Pie as the crowd quieted, "With the element of laughter, we will never give up hope! Pinkamena Pie will help us to look at things in a new way and find ways to achieve our goals no matter what! The bearer of the element of laughter's support will keep us smiling through the toughest of times!" Pinkie giggled, sticking her tongue out at the crowd who laughed and cheered.

"For a thousand years, we were lied to by the sun! By the one we looked up to as a god! Now, with Laughter and Honesty by our side, we fight the sun! Snuff out its light! Today, we finally bring ten thousand years of peace to this land!" As Luna finished her speech, the crowd erupted into ecstatic roaring and hoof stomping.

Luna instructed them to find their battalions and begin training. She would be drawing up plans for gaining more support for the time being, so there would be more time to learn how to fight. They would be at a disadvantage with the civilian fighters, but Luna was working on getting in contact with the night guard. She hoped they still remained and were still loyal to her.

The ponies filed out of the library to meet with their platoon leaders and Luna sat down at her desk, opening a book of war. She had been trying to catch up on history since her return and was almost to present day. "Applejack Apple, bearer of the element of honesty, how have the ponies stood for such injustice for so long?"

Applejack simply shook her head, "I don't know, any ponies who questioned Celestia disappeared. It was better to just keep quiet about your doubts. There ain't no need to be so formal with us, though. Just Applejack is fine."

Luna sighed, "And two of the other elements are in her custody?"

Pinkie Pie nodded, looking unusually sad. "Yes, Twilight and Rarity. They took her side." Pinkie sat down across from Luna and gave her a sad smile.

Luna gave Pinkie a sympathetic look, "Worry not, I am sure we can regain their loyalty. I worry, though. Faust knows what Celestia will do to maintain her power. We must try to get in touch with them."

"Canterlot is under strict guard, no mail in, no mail out. Only important nobles and dignitaries are allowed to enter the city," Applejack explained, "If we could figure out where Spike is, we might be able to get some mail to Twilight, though."

"I suggest we search the library," Luna stood, donning her armor and walking towards the exit of the library. "We leave at nightfall. Head down to the old armory and get some armor and weapons. I expect there to be guards in Ponyville as well. You are important to our cause and I cannot lose you." She turned towards the window and looking across the forest. "Tomorrow, I'd like you both to join the military training. This is war."

Author's Note:

My writing has been a little awkward lately. Sorry.
I will start using more military terms, and i've done a bit of research, but they might not always be right. I mean no offense, I'm trying my best.

Special thanks to the members of the struggling authors group for providing speech inspiration and advice. Especially DerpyMuffin7 and Prane

Comments

[Sweet Berry]

5356034 don't worry, Twilight wouldn't give up just like that

[Xanderfox]

5355064
I didn't down vote cause, yea I don't like it, but I don't feel it's a quality issue, just my disinterest in the subject matter.

[Dark Colt Sabata]

[Sweet Berry]

5359633 really? Yay! thank you!

[Sweet Berry]

5359665 yes, definitely! I'm going to go find that thread about writing a war. I know that's going to be the most difficult part for me, I think. Also, yes, I'm going to have an explanation for why they joined each side, most likely in the next chapter.

[Phaedra]

Hello, there, good story! The only problem I had with it was that I originally planned for a response for there to be a response the crowd after every "for how many" questions in Luna's speech, not after the fact.

[Sweet Berry]

5359934 Oh, I see. Do you think it's less effective how I wrote it?

[Phaedra]

5360210 A bit. It feels like rambling mostly.

[Sweet Berry]

5360667 well that's an easy fix again, thank you so much for your help

[Nightmares21]

Great story, really has me on the end of my seat

[BronyDad]

5363565

It seemed her once majestic white coat was slowly going grey and the faint signs of illness all seemed to go about her face.

This sentence is the only bit of showing you have (although it is worded kinda strange).

Now, this sentence:

Now that she was up close, however, Twilight could see just how tired, and long Celestia's face had grown.

this is telling. Instead of telling us that her face looked tired and long, describe it. Show us the deep frown on her face and the bags under her eyes. Then you don't have to say that she looks tired, we will already know it.

The main problem with this story is its pacing. It's like you grabbed me by the hand and raced me through the scene, and never allowed me to stop to catch my breath. In your post in I Just Want A Comment, you mentioned that you want this story to be full of strong emotion. You need to start that right here. Twilight and her friends are split by this war, that tragedy needs to hit the reader immediately. I'd say that's what the first chapter should be about.

You need to slow down and add detail. Lots of detail, along with emotion and Twilight's personal thoughts. The details are critical to your story, and even more so in Chapter one because this is where you need to grip the reader and draw them in. If you fail here, then your story fails.

Writing is like telling an intricate lie. The more detail you add, the more realistic you can make it, and the more likely that others will believe it. After all, that's what we writers do, isn't it? We lie. We tell a story that didn't really happen, and through our writing, we make others believe it.

[Zealot]

I promised you a comment, it took a while, but I finally got half an hour for you.

First of all, I usually don't like Luna vs Celestia stories. That said, I actually quite liked this one. It was enjoyable to read and I think you have a pretty good style. I think you need to do some more representation about what Equestria is like now that war has, all but, been declared. I got the sense that the leaders were in a bit of a state but I really feel like you could expand a lot more on the political aspects of it. Remember, and a lot of people forget this, if Equestria is a monarchy based on medieval monarchy (in this alternate universe) then there will be other players besides the Princesses. There will be Dukes, Counts, Courtiers. I think it would really fit the theme if, as usual, everyone thinks the best time to have an argument with each other is during a crisis. Other than that, your grammar is a little inconsistent. It needs a good tidy in places, especially the first paragraph. I think you'll find that'll put people off. I also didn't like power-mad Celestia. I know it's alternate universe but, ehh, I don't think it fits too well with how she is in my head and it's a bit... obvious? I know that sounds really harsh but I have found people don't like it. Personally I think you do it well and I like it but, people are people about this kind of thing. On the whole though, a rather enjoyable read, I look forward to the next instalment.

I noted you wanted help with military terms and were doing research. If you like, I might be able to help you further with that. I studied military history for two years and are continuing my studies as a hobby, specifically enlightenment era but I also did further research on the medieval period as well as early enlightenment era which is what I sort of imagine Equestria to be set in judging from the kind of armour the guards use. But hey, this is alternate universe. But still, if you wanted I could impart some knowledge in a few PMs, or recommend some books that go into detail on the subject. (Though that would depend on how serious you are on your research. Hehe.)

As for who I'd side with? Hehe, it's a good sign that I'm thinking of this. Well, it depends who I was in Equestria. Suffice to say, I'd get very political, very quickly.

[Sweet Berry]

5386673 with politicians, you never know.

[Storm Cloud 6000]

5356344 well that's good. Right now I'm on Luna's side because I'm always against monarchy and I mean seriously, withing the first chapter, Celestia already took twilights will (I think). I hope Luna doesn't do that.

[Marig The Dragon]

Nice story you have here, keep up the good work.

[Chrome Masquerade]

as a matter of fact, there IS a surprising amount of mindd control in Equestria.

[nerdyGAMERgrl]

This is so amazing! Best story ever! Who would've thought of this?

[Patata1312]

Are you going to upload a next chapter???
I really love this story, please upload more!!

[Freefallin]

We need Rainbow Dash to come in in a flaming blaze of glory with an enormous Somic Rainboom at the end of this.

[Arnyx]

So is this gonna be updated, or...