Twilight Sparkle, known to Equestria as the personal student and favorite companion of the princess, as well as a national hero, trudged to the gaudy throne room.
The nation was in a state of chaos; the Lunar Rebellion was attempting to overthrow the throne. Luna, now leading the rebellion, had forsaken her title as princess upon her return from the moon, disgusted by the absolute monarchy and furious with her sister for having locked her away for a thousand years. She had tried to adjust to the modern way of life, but had been horrified by the political corruption that went on behind closed doors.
The elements of harmony had taken sides, ending up on opposite sides of the war. Applejack and Pinkie had chosen the rebellion. Twilight begged them to make the right choice, not to go against the empire, but there was no changing their minds. Upon seeing her friends so divided, Rainbow Dash had disappeared.
As such, Twilight had recently taken on some of the responsibility of attempting to calm the tensions. She, along with Rarity, had become public figures, giving speeches weekly and sometimes daily, representing Celestia. These speeches were desperate attempts to talk the rebels down and yet, the war raged on.
Twilight had just returned to from one such speech to report to Celestia. The royal guards saluted as she passed through the ornate throne room doors and into the gilded room. Since the rebellion had escalated, court was no longer held more than once a week, if it was held at all. The security was considerably tightened, the stone face guards lining the walls. Princess Celestia sat regally on her throne with her war time advisors bustling around her and debating with her every word. When Twilight entered, Celestia was in a heated debate with a stallion bearing a cutie mark of two scrolls. Twilight recognized him as a diplomatic advisor. He seemed to be trying to talk Celestia in to attempting a peace treaty. Celestia argued vehemently. "I will not make peace with such radical dissenters. Their influence will ruin this country. I've already tightened security in all government buildings to protect my citizens. I will mobilize troops if they do not back down. I will not stand for this loss of my pow- peace." The advisor backed down, realizing his words were not going to change her mind and only served to make her angry. He stumbled over himself to apologize, stuttering and throwing himself at her hooves.
As she saw Twilight approach the throne, Celestia shooed her advisors away, clearing the throne room for all but the guards.
The monarch smiled gently, the dark circles under eyes becoming slightly more pronounced. "It's good to see you, Twilight. How did the public address go?"
Twilight stopped at the foot of the throne, bowing her head towards the powerful monarch. "I think it went well Princess." Now that she was up close, however, Twilight could see just how tired, and long Celestia's face had grown. It seemed her once majestic white coat was slowly going grey and faint signs of illness lingered in her face. In light of that, Twilight decided maybe it was best she stay silent about the rebel the guards had dragged away earlier that day
Celestia nodded, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, attempting to relieve her stress. "Good. You know, handling this rebellion is very taxing."
Twilight looked down, something weighing heavily on her mind. "Yes, I understand. Faust knows where Dash is, and I'm very worried about Pinkie Pie and Applejack. I still can't believe they joined the rebellion." She couldn't help but worry that she had made the wrong choice not joining her friends on the other side. She sighed, "And poor Fluttershy hasn't left her cottage since the rebellion started."
Twilight thought back to the princess' argument with her advisor, fearing that they were heading towards war. She did not want to go to war against her friends and blamed herself for Luna's return. 'Maybe Luna was right,' she thought. "Princess, I believe we are on the path to war, and I don't think that is what you want. Is there not a way to come to an agreement?"
Celestia narrowed her eyes, "As I told my advisors, I will tell you. There shall be no sanctuary for these rebels. Attempting to ruin the country and harm the citizens is not to be pardoned."
Twilight winced, knowing that when the war came, if the rebels lost, Applejack and Pinkie were likely to face execution. 'Maybe I should join them. At least we'll go down together and I'd have died fighting for the rights of the people,' Twilight's thoughts were conflicting, and she was left feeling that she was on the wrong side of the war.
Celestia could tell Twilight was doubting the side she has chosen. She knew she needed Twilight to keep the support of the citizens. People adored Twilight and listened to practically everything the savior of Equestria said. Celestia knew she could only seem fair for so long if it came time to go to war. She needed every bit of power she had. For centuries, Celestia had slowly been restricting the ponies' rights and money, giving the majority of the country's wealth to herself. Her subjects had lived in ignorant bliss until Luna came back and shattered the illusion. Twilight's influence on the people was a loss that she could not afford.
Scowling, Celestia's golden aura of magic lit her horn and surrounded Twilight's horn. Twilight let out a pained gasp, “Wha- what are you doing?” The throbbing pain radiating from her horn and deeper into her mind was crippling. She let out a pained whine, lighting her horn in an attempt to fight off Celestia's advances. She managed a few faint sparks, before Celestia suppressed her magic with a simple thought. Celestia wrapped her magic around Twilight's mind, taking control of her body and locking away her will, despite her mind's desperate struggles to break free. Twilight screamed in agony, suddenly freezing and falling silent, her eyes glowing with the gold that matched the Celestia's aura.
Celestia spoke in a cold voice, far from the warm motherly tone she typically used with her subjects. "Listen well, Twilight Sparkle, I am Princess Celestia, Sol Invictus, Monarch of the Equestrian Empire. If there was ever a side to choose, it is mine. Your so-called friends are no longer to even be acknowledged. They are nothing more than scum. Any being who dares to go against me will pay the ultimate price. You are my pawn, and you will do everything in your power to convince the people that I am right. Understand?"
Twilight nodded, no longer of her own free will. "Yes, your majesty," she responded, her voice empty of emotion and her normal intelligent tone was lacking.
Celestia looked on coldly, the facade of the kind and fair ruler having been dropped with no need to maintain public appearance. "Good," she murmured, compassion no longer a part of her. "Now, bow to your queen, my little puppet." Twilight dropped in to a deep bow, prostrating herself at the base of the throne before the princess, unable to fight the iron grip Celestia had on her mind.
"I'm sorry, my little puppet, but I have to do this."
Now this looks interesting.
This is amazing. I must see more! Fav track watch.
Hey it's just like the hypno groups banner nice
5352921 the banner- in part- inspired this. I was looking for a story to go with it, but I couldn't find one.
With regards to the source of artwork it appears to have been a commissioned piece done by swaetshrit unfortunately it appears he has left the fandom but you can contact him at http://klaufir.tumblr.com/. I found this out from http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/83372/a-question-on-twilight-revised and searching his name on google.
5352925
I love it! Totally fits the banner.
ehh I know some people like this kind of thing, but meh Celestia seems OC to me. Guess I was hoping for something other than the "authority is bad because people in charge are automatically evil" deal, but wasn't terribly surprised to see it.
5355032 I understand. I took her out of character on purpose. There will be further explanation as to why she is like that in future chapters , but I understand disliking it. While I want to portray her as corrupt and power hungry, in the next couple chapters, I'll be switching to the rebellion stronghold and we'll see that she wasn't always like that.
Anyways, thank you for explaining why you dislike it. I like to know what I can do to improve and what the readers think of it.
How interesting.
Woah, that was quick, Twilight lost her free will in, like, 5 seconds . I think there should have been at least a little more of a struggle, I mean she's one of the strongest characters in MLP after all. Still, I like the story so far, and I'm really interested to see where this is going
Firstly:
Smooth. [This is a joke btw]
Secondly:
Hmmm...I'm intrigued
All right, I'm not even halfway through the chapter and you've already lost my interest. If you're going to have a civil war between Celestia and Luna, you can't show one to be strictly 'bad' and the other 'good'. This simply makes things boring and uninteresting. If you want to keep things entertaining then you can't portray one as 'good' and the other as 'evil', that's to simply, to... biased. Simply put, I've been watching Game of Thrones lately so this level of stupid simplicity simply bores me. This is why I don't read Lunar Republic fics. They paint Luna as the saviour of the people and portray Celestia as a tyrannical monster who would make Caligula seem reasonable.
Hello! I saw your post asking for comments and whatnot and here I am.
After reading just the first paragraph, I see that this needs a lot of work. First off, lets look at the paragraph's structure.
You have four separate subjects here. First you tell us that Twilight has returned to the throne room and that the nation is in a state of chaos. Next you tell us that Luna tried to adjust to normal life but became disgusted in the way her sister ran things. Then you tell us that the Elements of Harmony have taken opposite sides of the war. And finally, you tell us that Twilight and Rarity have been giving speeches. This should be told in four separate paragraphs, and yet it is all crammed together in one massive wall of text. Not a good start for a story. Let me break this down for you:
This should be the start of your second paragraph.
This should be the start of your third paragraph.
And this should be the start of your fourth paragraph. Now, I would suggest beefing up these subjects so you don't end up with a bunch of short paragraphs, and that leads me to my second point.
I skimmed this chapter and you have absolutely zero showing. The entire chapter from start to finish is telling. Reread it and see for yourself, the whole thing is just a list of actions that are happening. You're not telling me a story, you are documenting what is happening. This story feels like I'm reading from a history book. What you need to do is slow down, and add some thoughts and emotions. The only real thought that I noticed was when Twilight wondered to herself if she should join with the others (that internal thought should have been in italics by the way). You need to choose a POV character and describe the scene using their senses and emotions. What is Twilight feeling? She's upset because her friends are on the opposite side of the war. Is she simply sad, or does she maybe feel a little betrayed? Does it bother her that they didn't trust her enough to side with her?
You need to touch on these subjects. I don't care if you plan to address them later, they need to be addressed now. It is imperative that the reader connects with the characters as soon as possible. As of right now, I don't care about Twilight's plight because you've given me no reason to. Fix this. Make me understand what Twilight is going through, I want to sympathize with her, but I can't.
5361318 thank you so much for all the advice. I hope when I make more changes, I'll be able to convince you that Twilight is worth sympathizing with.
I thought I had some showing around this. I'm not sure what else showing would be.