With the Lunar Rebellion reestablished by Luna's return, Celestia is desperate to find any way to hold on to her sovereign power. Twilight supports Celestia, dedicated until the end, going out and trying to maintain the support of the general populace. The ponies wonder, though, why is she so loyal to the dictator?
What about Rainbow Dash? What side will she, the element of loyalty, choose when forced to choose between her friends?
Gore tag is in place just in case. If there is gore in the future, it will be a light amount.
Chapters (2)
Now this looks interesting.
This is amazing. I must see more! Fav track watch.
Hey it's just like the hypno groups banner nice
5352921 the banner- in part- inspired this. I was looking for a story to go with it, but I couldn't find one.
With regards to the source of artwork it appears to have been a commissioned piece done by swaetshrit unfortunately it appears he has left the fandom but you can contact him at http://klaufir.tumblr.com/. I found this out from http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/83372/a-question-on-twilight-revised and searching his name on google.
5352925
I love it! Totally fits the banner.
ehh I know some people like this kind of thing, but meh Celestia seems OC to me. Guess I was hoping for something other than the "authority is bad because people in charge are automatically evil" deal, but wasn't terribly surprised to see it.
5355032 I understand. I took her out of character on purpose. There will be further explanation as to why she is like that in future chapters , but I understand disliking it. While I want to portray her as corrupt and power hungry, in the next couple chapters, I'll be switching to the rebellion stronghold and we'll see that she wasn't always like that.
Anyways, thank you for explaining why you dislike it. I like to know what I can do to improve and what the readers think of it.
How interesting.
Woah, that was quick, Twilight lost her free will in, like, 5 seconds . I think there should have been at least a little more of a struggle, I mean she's one of the strongest characters in MLP after all. Still, I like the story so far, and I'm really interested to see where this is going
5356034 don't worry, Twilight wouldn't give up just like that
5355064
I didn't down vote cause, yea I don't like it, but I don't feel it's a quality issue, just my disinterest in the subject matter.
Firstly:
Smooth. [This is a joke btw]
Secondly:
5359633 really? Yay! thank you!
5359665 yes, definitely! I'm going to go find that thread about writing a war. I know that's going to be the most difficult part for me, I think. Also, yes, I'm going to have an explanation for why they joined each side, most likely in the next chapter.
Hmmm...I'm intrigued
Hello, there, good story! The only problem I had with it was that I originally planned for a response for there to be a response the crowd after every "for how many" questions in Luna's speech, not after the fact.
5359934 Oh, I see. Do you think it's less effective how I wrote it?
5360210 A bit. It feels like rambling mostly.
5360667 well that's an easy fix
again, thank you so much for your help
All right, I'm not even halfway through the chapter and you've already lost my interest. If you're going to have a civil war between Celestia and Luna, you can't show one to be strictly 'bad' and the other 'good'. This simply makes things boring and uninteresting. If you want to keep things entertaining then you can't portray one as 'good' and the other as 'evil', that's to simply, to... biased. Simply put, I've been watching Game of Thrones lately so this level of stupid simplicity simply bores me. This is why I don't read Lunar Republic fics. They paint Luna as the saviour of the people and portray Celestia as a tyrannical monster who would make Caligula seem reasonable.
Hello! I saw your post asking for comments and whatnot and here I am.
After reading just the first paragraph, I see that this needs a lot of work. First off, lets look at the paragraph's structure.
You have four separate subjects here. First you tell us that Twilight has returned to the throne room and that the nation is in a state of chaos. Next you tell us that Luna tried to adjust to normal life but became disgusted in the way her sister ran things. Then you tell us that the Elements of Harmony have taken opposite sides of the war. And finally, you tell us that Twilight and Rarity have been giving speeches. This should be told in four separate paragraphs, and yet it is all crammed together in one massive wall of text. Not a good start for a story. Let me break this down for you:
This should be the start of your second paragraph.
This should be the start of your third paragraph.
And this should be the start of your fourth paragraph. Now, I would suggest beefing up these subjects so you don't end up with a bunch of short paragraphs, and that leads me to my second point.
I skimmed this chapter and you have absolutely zero showing. The entire chapter from start to finish is telling. Reread it and see for yourself, the whole thing is just a list of actions that are happening. You're not telling me a story, you are documenting what is happening. This story feels like I'm reading from a history book. What you need to do is slow down, and add some thoughts and emotions. The only real thought that I noticed was when Twilight wondered to herself if she should join with the others (that internal thought should have been in italics by the way). You need to choose a POV character and describe the scene using their senses and emotions. What is Twilight feeling? She's upset because her friends are on the opposite side of the war. Is she simply sad, or does she maybe feel a little betrayed? Does it bother her that they didn't trust her enough to side with her?
You need to touch on these subjects. I don't care if you plan to address them later, they need to be addressed now. It is imperative that the reader connects with the characters as soon as possible. As of right now, I don't care about Twilight's plight because you've given me no reason to. Fix this. Make me understand what Twilight is going through, I want to sympathize with her, but I can't.
5361318 thank you so much for all the advice. I hope when I make more changes, I'll be able to convince you that Twilight is worth sympathizing with.
I thought I had some showing around this. I'm not sure what else showing would be.
Great story, really has me on the end of my seat
5363565
This sentence is the only bit of showing you have (although it is worded kinda strange).
Now, this sentence:
this is telling. Instead of telling us that her face looked tired and long, describe it. Show us the deep frown on her face and the bags under her eyes. Then you don't have to say that she looks tired, we will already know it.
The main problem with this story is its pacing. It's like you grabbed me by the hand and raced me through the scene, and never allowed me to stop to catch my breath. In your post in I Just Want A Comment, you mentioned that you want this story to be full of strong emotion. You need to start that right here. Twilight and her friends are split by this war, that tragedy needs to hit the reader immediately. I'd say that's what the first chapter should be about.
You need to slow down and add detail. Lots of detail, along with emotion and Twilight's personal thoughts. The details are critical to your story, and even more so in Chapter one because this is where you need to grip the reader and draw them in. If you fail here, then your story fails.
Writing is like telling an intricate lie. The more detail you add, the more realistic you can make it, and the more likely that others will believe it. After all, that's what we writers do, isn't it? We lie. We tell a story that didn't really happen, and through our writing, we make others believe it.
I promised you a comment, it took a while, but I finally got half an hour for you.
First of all, I usually don't like Luna vs Celestia stories. That said, I actually quite liked this one. It was enjoyable to read and I think you have a pretty good style. I think you need to do some more representation about what Equestria is like now that war has, all but, been declared. I got the sense that the leaders were in a bit of a state but I really feel like you could expand a lot more on the political aspects of it. Remember, and a lot of people forget this, if Equestria is a monarchy based on medieval monarchy (in this alternate universe) then there will be other players besides the Princesses. There will be Dukes, Counts, Courtiers. I think it would really fit the theme if, as usual, everyone thinks the best time to have an argument with each other is during a crisis. Other than that, your grammar is a little inconsistent. It needs a good tidy in places, especially the first paragraph. I think you'll find that'll put people off. I also didn't like power-mad Celestia. I know it's alternate universe but, ehh, I don't think it fits too well with how she is in my head and it's a bit... obvious? I know that sounds really harsh but I have found people don't like it. Personally I think you do it well and I like it but, people are people about this kind of thing. On the whole though, a rather enjoyable read, I look forward to the next instalment.
I noted you wanted help with military terms and were doing research. If you like, I might be able to help you further with that. I studied military history for two years and are continuing my studies as a hobby, specifically enlightenment era but I also did further research on the medieval period as well as early enlightenment era which is what I sort of imagine Equestria to be set in judging from the kind of armour the guards use. But hey, this is alternate universe. But still, if you wanted I could impart some knowledge in a few PMs, or recommend some books that go into detail on the subject. (Though that would depend on how serious you are on your research. Hehe.)
As for who I'd side with? Hehe, it's a good sign that I'm thinking of this. Well, it depends who I was in Equestria. Suffice to say, I'd get very political, very quickly.
5386673 with politicians, you never know.
5356344 well that's good. Right now I'm on Luna's side because I'm always against monarchy and I mean seriously, withing the first chapter, Celestia already took twilights will (I think). I hope Luna doesn't do that.
Nice story you have here, keep up the good work.
as a matter of fact, there IS a surprising amount of mindd control in Equestria.
This is so amazing! Best story ever! Who would've thought of this?
Are you going to upload a next chapter???
I really love this story, please upload more!!
We need Rainbow Dash to come in in a flaming blaze of glory with an enormous Somic Rainboom at the end of this.
So is this gonna be updated, or...