MLP/One Piece crossover. Huge thanks to River Road for prereading and editing. Go give him some love!
Two years after being separated from their crew, Sanji and Zoro cross paths while on their way to the rendezvous point at the Sabaody Archipelago. With no navigator, the two quickly get lost in a massive, sudden fog covering the sea, leading them to discover the land known to its inhabitants as 'Equestria'.
The ensuing series of events lead the unusual duo to question the very nature of this island, its inhabitants and its secrets, all the while driving them to the brink of madness as cultures collide and they move forward in their search of two new boats. But when an old foe of the Strawhats comes to invade the island, they find the fate of a country lying in their hands once again.
Once they stop trying to kill each other, that is.
not bad at all... i will be watching.quickmeme.com/img/ca/ca26e7e2db7ed5bbebac0fee2184dc52aaa9faa2da7b57c241e68edd10c12e57.jpg
This is pretty good
Are the characters humanized or anthro cause the second chapter made it sound like zecora was humanoid in a way or something?
5808864 Neither, she just knows how to stand on two legs.
5810246 Don't expect regular updates, I write whenever I feel like it, or when my inspiration is at its highest.
I will say this fic is on the top of my priority list, and I'm proud to say I'm its writer.
Luckily its not Luffy, he would've eaten half of equestria before finding a ship.
These two are the baddass combo of the manga though.
5810306 Exactly. Fun fact; this fic practically writes itself.
This fic has my total atention my dear sir
please go on.
I expect two possibilities:
1. The cook enters a desert-making contest with Pinkie Pie.
2. The swordsman slices up Pinkie Pie and the cook bakes her into muffins.
Too bad I have no time to read on my hands right now.
5810726 You don't know how close you are to number 2.
seems like zecora meet ussop
Hahahaha!! Some of these scenes I can almost just see!
I think you did a fairly good job with the descriptions of the fighting techniques.
But when you describe their actions, it seems you tend to say more that what is necessary or say something, again, but only in a different way.
I'd be happy to give you an example, if you care.
But otherwise, the story, thus far, is pretty entertaining.
I will definitely read on.
5811823 That may be one of the things my editor and I will look over when he gets back. Thank for the feedback though.
Gore tag?
Is this really going to be full of blood and pony guts? Oh god, Sanji's not gonna try COOKING pony, is he?!
I would have enjoyed reading this story, even though I only have basic knowledge of One Piece. The things preventing me from doing that, are the typos and..... not so much the grammar, but the poor grasp of the English language that I read.
Another thing that got to me, is that I felt you were trying to describe an anime scene here. Way too vividly. You actually mention Zoro getting the angry vein thing to symbolize annoyance/anger in a character typical for Shonen anime. Don't do that. No sweat drops, veins, etc. Your main problem overall is that you're telling not showing, you really need to polish off your descriptions, they are just large and unwieldy. I hope some of this helps.
5813964 Those aren't typos. In fact, none of them are. I know I sometimes mispronounce some words, or forget to write others, but I usually see them when it's pointed out.
Also, I don't think you know what showing and telling means. Even I know when I'm telling and when I'm showing, and that's not it. Hell, the quotes you posted are the proof that I can show. If I was tellling I'd be something like "Zoro was angry at this" instead of what I wrote there so you might have gotten mixed up.
I will take your critique over the description, as I've said before my editor will possibly polish that in the future.
Overall... I'm sorry to say, this didn't help.
5812572 You seem to have missed the Teen rating.
5814050
Those quotes were showing that a lot that you've written just doesn't make sense. I didn't put up the typos I saw in your story, because I decided I wanted to focus more on the core of your writing.
"Discomfort of shame," is poorly worded, the general idea comes across, but it's just not a proper phrase.
"Blonde kempt hair," actually makes sense. That was my bad. However, you might want to describe his hair a little more instead of just using the single word "kempt".
You just need to add an "s" to sword.
"Several horizons, he saw no islands at all," several horizons doesn't make sense, there is one horizon, the second part also just feels choppy to me.
"While pulling his head back and fro the ocean," to and fro could work here, or back and forth, but this whole area could use some restructuring.
But, I will agree with you in one regard, you are showing instead of telling. I was wrong to say you weren't, but the way you're going about it isn't the best. The last example shows this. "A thick fog covered the surroundings of the ship, engulfing the sun to give the illusion of a land without time." How does a vision completely obscured by fog convey a "land without time"? Maybe gray and stagnant? Perhaps. However you might do better by instead describing the fog, instead of using some abstract term to describe the whole setting at that moment.
5815015 "Discomfort of shame" is there because it sounded better for someone like Zoro, as he doesn't usually feel embarassed.
Sanji's hair is... not something that requires many words to picture, and I refrain from using terms like "long" or "short" unless it's absolutely necessary.
Hmm, maybe I should have used "several ways of the horizon" or "several directions"?
Yes, that was a mistake, I admit that. I didn't realize the real expression was "to and fro". I apologize
There are actually 3 reasons why I put "land without time" instead of anything else, one of them I cannot say. I put it there to give it a sort of poetic justice (guilty pleasure) to add more to the scene, and I also used the term to explain how the surrounding felt like, rather than what it looked like since I wanted to include both of their perspectives and Zoro was asleep at the time.
5814214 Yesterday was...
Ah Zoro your so bad at directions, and it's actually pretty interesting that you made the pony world aware of the one piece world and actually a part of it, I wonder who zecoras been talking too about Luffy.
It would be cool if you had the Japanese translations along with the English version, good idea
5810785 Oh God, I really hope that's what happened.
so...ch.3 yes or no?....
6267314 I got 1,000 words in it right now, but certain circumstances in my personal life have made it stressful for me to write some more. Though expect an update in August.
6267838 ok
6267838 is August now...so were is the new ch
6290462 You know, continuously asking for a new chapter isn't gonna make it come out faster.
Nice, well written and seems like a decent plot is being set up.
will watch for now.