*READ THE DESC FOR AN UPDATE* My name is Derrick Young but you can call me DJ. I was living a solitary, simple gamer life before I, how do I put this. Got transported to the land of Talking Magical Ponies? Yeah I know it's a lot to take in...
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5881350 happy now?
I guess you could say spike... had to HANG around in the bathroom for awhile... heh? heh? ill shut up now... enough with the jokes... i loved this chap i do hope he meets Luna... the r....... wait... mother of god... WHERES LUNA!
I really liked the last line of the chapter, and I enjoyed watching Dr. Bright proposition to Derrick. The part where AJ is about to give him a "physical" and Celestia's reactions to Derrick were hilarious.
Im sorry, but those comments made by the weather ponies just cracked me up
nice job, look forward to more
Nice, now Chryssie wants DJ too!
Just another mare for him to avoid at his discretion. if you know what I mean
We all know what spike was doing in the bathroom....
ahh puberty natures gift and curse
Perfect 'Shit...' moment
Huh i thought you would have gone for a masturbation joke. I mean what else does a teenage boy spend 3 hours in the bathroom doing? except maybe admiring dat stash
Will he eventually remember what happened in the field?
5885241
pooing, obviously
5885337 Yes but not in the near future
Kek.
pinkie was either replaced, or pinkiama mode (didn't spell it right.)
Hopefully DJ can convince chrysalis to stop the bullshit takeover plans in the future.
5883322
That just got me going XD.
Also, nice work bro :)
5885485 he missed the perfect opportunity for
"I rate 8/8, will you be my m8?"
How many goddamn ellipses can one story contain? I mean, Jesus Christ. Was there a sale on periods or something?
5916360 ...
5916360 in all seriousness I do use them a lot...
Oops
5918428
Yeah, you really do. I honestly tried giving it a chance, but it's making the whole thing borderline unreadable to me. Every second sentence of the narration sounds all breathy and like you can't finish a whole thought without getting sidetracked. You could improve the whole story by a decent percentage just by running a search&replace over the whole thing and replacing every ellipsis with a single period.
5924808 Thats a decent start, but thats still almost 200,000k words to sift through and i don't want every single one replaced. Man this story is long now. and i still have so much planned.
Before I do that ill try and eradicate any ellipse in the chap I'm working on.
5924852
Frankly, 95% of them probably shouldn't even be there, grammatically, so you'd still come out more or less ahead. Still, much appreciated.
5924890 thanks for the feedback.
Man writing is so annoying sometimes!
Go back and fix old stuff or focus on finishing the story first?
*sigh*
5930613 yeah, more or less.
Where the hell is my next chapter?!
5934423
While some would pass your comment as a typical flame, I actually agree. It was written passably, don't get me wrong, but the main OC's persona is just simply atrocious.
Though, I'm not really one to judge since I may or may not have threw my hands up halfway through the chapters. After going through those cringe-worthy scenes and not finding any plausible character development, I'll have to set this one aside for now to read for another time.
5950473 Ah yes... character development. That thing that I suck at. Not sure where to go with DJ to be honest. I originally set out to basically make him an asshole because I thought it would be funny but now? Hell if I know. Thats something I need to set straight soon I suppose.
Also I'm not sure what "plausible" character development would be really.
I particularly like the Judge mare who said "I came", lol. Also I'm not complaining but Soarin seems a bit ooc because he comes off, at least to me as the goofy and slow sweet heart (btw I'm not into soarin, the barn door doesn't swing that way, though I'm not ashamed to admit that he would be quite attractive, and no, I'm not gay for soarin or Braeburn, ok if I were gay, he'd probably be the stallion I'd be with, wow, I'm not being very convincing as someone who's straight, not that I have anything against people not being, if they find someone that makes them happy, then more power to them, I say!
All iI hzve to say is OMG.
Hmmm....DJ isnt reking anyone. He focking has alicornmagic and chaos magic, like come on.
Add another royal to his ever growing harem.
Okayif the mind control spell didn't work, then how in the hells did a memory spell work?
PLOT!
Ugh...of course...
Solid Poison I dont see why he did not remember... I mean Chrissy tried to mind control him and it did not work, Mind altering should not have worked either....
6458294 true but erasing memories isnt mind altering its mental info removal