A Perminant Visit - Part 1

by HattyStacks

Chapter 4 - An 'Undesirable Trait'

CHAPTER 4 –An ‘Undesirable Trait’

As he entered the door he found the downstairs living room to be a mess. He also heard noises coming from upstairs, but he ignored them and headed straight to the kitchen where he rummaged through the cupboards and grabbed a transparent bottle filled with a clear liquid. He read out the label on the front “Wicker Brand Vodka, huh, that’s a new one.” He opened it up and began to down it as he lay down on the couch. He stopped drinking it for a second as he thought about what Twilight said, just as a door to upstairs opened with Ash in the doorway dressed in a maid outfit panting turned behind her and said “*puff* Be right *pant* back!” She looked down the bannister and said “Don’t come up will you?” Onyx stared at her with a look as though she asked a ridiculous question.
She pushed her glasses up to her eyes as she said “I’ll take that as a yes.”
Ash galloped back into her room and closed the door behind her as the noises began again.
Onyx felt the memory come back again “Why………” he though “Why?” it intensified “Why!?”
Onyx’s eyes were crushed closed as he remembered his previous assistant….. and her demise
“Why why why!?!?”
It became more and more visible
Tears welled up on the sides of his eyes
“WHY!?”
He gritted his teeth as the memory became reality.
“……why….”

(1 year ago)

“This isn’t normal, you have to snap out of this Onyx!”
Onyx became corrupted. Black creeped up his legs and over his face, only half untouched as it stopped moving. His eyes were entirely black with the exception of a purple dot at the centre of each eye.
“Please,” Autumn pleaded “this isn’t you, don’t listen to the voice!”
Onyx laughed “Too late!”
He snapped on a rubber glove and tightened up his tie as he said “Let’s begin!”
His demonic voice echoed through the ears of the Pegasus strapped to the table coupled with the sound of the crazed unicorn’s assistant pleading for him to not kill the Pegasus on the table.
“Oh shut up and help me get the wings off!” the possessed Onyx said as he revved up the rusty chainsaw in his hooves.
Onyx brought the chainsaw down upon the frightened Pegasus’ wings, blood and matter spraying over the victim, Onyx and the floor. The Pegasus’ begun to cry when Onyx pinched the Pegasus’ cheeks and said “Oh, don’t worry, it’ll aaaall be over soon!” Onyx clapped his hands together and said “Nurse! Scalpel!” he had his hoof out stretched waving it about when he turned to his left to see Autumn standing there mouth agape in horror. “Oh fine, I’ll do it myself!” Onyx said with frustration as he took the scalpel and began to cut down the crying and gagged Pegasus’ chest, making him shut his eyes in pain. “Onyx, stop!” Autumn finally said, Onyx ignored her “Onyx!” Onyx busy slicing down the Pegasus’ chest, ignoring Autumn’s words. Autumn finally gained the courage to walk over to him and attempt to wrestle the scalpel out of his hooves. Onyx’s hoof slipped and the scalpel sliced through Autumn’s neck, however he didn’t notice until blood sprayed over his lab coat, shirt and tie. He looked to see Autumn slowly fall to the ground as she choked and spluttered from her own blood. The black begun to fade from Onyx and his eyes returned to normal. “No, no nonono!”
he said desperately as he put his hooves upon Autumn’s whose were on the incision on her neck.
And although it stopped the bleeding, it did not stop her from violently coughing up blood and choking her. “Please, no no no, I’m sorry Autumn!” Onyx had become fully normal though, as tears flowed from his eyes. Autumn put her hooves on Onyx’s, she looked as though she was trying to say something. But in doing so caused her to go into a coughing spasm and blood came from her mouth as it slowly began to slow down…… until it stopped entirely.
Onyx continued kneeling there, crying into a dead Autumn’s shoulder, as the vision slowly faded away.

Onyx awoke gasping, he looked over the couch to see Ash rushing a cyan coloured Unicorn out of the house. He vaguely heard the words: “Shhh, quick! I think he saw you!” before passing out on the couch, but not before saying “Close……enough.”

Comments

[ShadowblazeCR]

Come back when you can write a thousand word chapter.

[Cinders]

I'm just gonna say this outright straight: this is crap you shouldn't have written this. At least do 1000 words chapters!

[The Guardian and Friends]

C'mon, you almost had 1,000 words in the first chapter!

Just describe things In more detail and you'll get to 1,000 in no time

[Patient X]

Double space the paragraphs and indent new ones. It makes massive blocks of text go away.

[thechicken95]

Yeah I'm sorry, but this is baaaaaad. You have decent story telling skills, I'll give you that. But the rest? You need to practice writing and read some books before you post another chapter. A lot of detail goes a long way here on this site.

[Flaming Pulsar]

Allow me to give you your first like. I'm not saying it's perfect but it's not bad. It just needs a good edit to make it better. I would be glad to be a proof reader for you should you want my assistance. Until then, keep writing and perhaps read over each chapter before posting it (advice that I should probably listen to myself).