Alicorn in Wonderland

by The Hand of Pony

Twilight's evidence

"That's me!" Twilight shouted, forgetting how large she had grown in the last few minutes, so that, when her name was announced, she unthinkingly flared her wings in her excitement and tipped the jury box over.

"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" she repeated as she grabbed the jury in her magic and started cramming them back into the jury box.

"The trial cannot proceed," said the King in a very grave voice, "until all the jurymen are back in their proper places- all," he repeated with great emphasis, looking hard at Twilight as he said so.

Twilight looked at the jury box and saw, that in her rapid cramming of jurors, she had put poor Bill in upside down, and the poor lizard was waving his tail around feebly, before he gave up with a small, heartfelt sigh. "Poor Bill," she thought, as she put him right with her magic, "forever fates' punching bag."

As soon as the jury had recovered a little from the shock of being tossed halfway across a room, and their slates and pencils had been found and handed back to them, they set to work very diligently to write out a history of the accident. Twilight hoped this wasn't so they could sue her for damages after the trial. Bill on the other hand, seemed too overcome to do anything except stare at the ceiling while gently whimpering with his mouth open.

"What do you know about this business?" the King asked Twilight.

"Not a thing, I wasn't even there when it happened. I have an alibi."

"And where is this alibi?" the King asked, "Do you have it with you?"

"What? No!" Twilight said, confused. "An alibi isn't something you can have with you," she tried to explain. "Ask the Gryphon, she knows!"

"Miss Gryphon," said the King, “have you seen Miss Sparkles' alibi?"

"No, your Majesty," the Gryphon said, far more politely than her usual manner. "I was with her at Mock Turtles beach when the theft took place and not once did I see her with an alibi." Twilight faceplanted the witness stand, which, considering her size, echoed around the room quite loudly. "Oh for pony sake..." she muttered to herself. She suspected she should have seen this coming.

"Write that down," the King said to the jury, "the witness forgot to bring her alibi."

"What!? No!" Twilight shouted, raising her head quickly. "Don't write that down!"

"The witness requested that her testimony not be written down. Write that down." the King said.

The jury dutifully wrote down this information, leaving the courtroom in silence briefly whilst Twilight screamed profanities inside her head. At this moment the King, who had been busy scribbling in his notebook, called out "Silence!" and read out from his notebook, "Rule forty two. All persons more than a mile high to leave the court."

Everyone looked at Twilight. "I'm not even close to a mile high." she said with an exaggerated roll of her eyes.

"You are," said the King.

"Nearly two miles high," added the Queen.

"I...but...I... Oh whatever," said Twilight, slightly flabbergasted, "I'm still not going anywhere, especially not for a rule you just made up." And not least because she suspected she could no longer fit out of the door.

"It's the oldest rule in the book," said the King.

"Then don't you think it ought to be rule one?" Twilight replied sarcastically.

The King blushed, giving his white coat a rosy glow. He hastily shut his notebook and, in a shaky voice, said to the jury "Consider your verdict."

"Uh, there's more evidence to come first, your Highness," said Angel Bunny, jumping up hurriedly; "we just found this paper."

"What's in it?" asked the Queen.

"I haven't opened it yet," said Angel; "but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to...to...somebody," he finished lamely.

"It must have been that," said the King, "unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know."

"Who is it directed to?" asked one of the jurymen.

"No one as far as I can see," said Angel with a tiny shrug; "in fact, there's nothing written on the outside." He unfolded the paper as he spoke, and said "Hey! It’s not a letter at all, it’s in verses!"

"Are they in the prisoners hoofwriting?" asked another of the jurymen. "It’s 'the accused.'" Twilight corrected him in her head.

"Nope," said Angel, "and that's just plain weird." (The jury all looked puzzled.)

"He must have imitated somebody else's hand," the King said. (The jury all brightened up.)

"Please your Majesty," said the Knave, "I didn't write it, and they can't prove that I did, there's no name signed at the end."

"If you didn't sign it," said the King, "that only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man."

There was applause from around the courtroom at this. Apparently they thought this was clever. Twilight, however, just sat down and rubbed the bridge of her nose with a hoof.

"That proves his guilt, of course," said the Queen; "so, off with-"

"Objection!" shouted Twilight, pointing a hoof out wildly. "Court is making false assumptions!" She didn't know if that was true of not, but it sounded good. After a moment or two she noticed the stares she was receiving from around the courtroom. She shrank back and started tapping her hooves together nervously. "Sorry, I, uh...I've always wanted to do that. Anyway, you haven't even read the verses yet, they could be a shopping list written in verse for all you know."

"Read them," said the King.

"Angel withdrew a monocle from somewhere about his person.”Uh, where should I start, your Majesty?"

"Start at the start," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end, then stop."

There was dead silence in the court, whilst Angel read out these verses-

"They told me you had been to her,
And mentioned me to him;
She gave me a good character,
But said I could not swim.

He sent them word I had not gone
(We know it to be true);
If she should push the matter on,
What would become of you?

I gave her one, they gave him two,
You gave us three or more;
They all returned from him to you,
Though they were mine before.

If I or she should chance to be
Involved in this affair,
He trusts you to set them free,
Exactly as we were.

My notion was that you had been
(Before she had this fit)
An obstacle that came between
Him, and ourselves, and it.

Don't let him know she like them best,
This must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me."

"That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet," said the King, rubbing his hooves together; "so now let the jury-"

"Hold on, hold on!" interrupted Twilight. "It’s the only evidence we have, and it's a poem that probably doesn't contain an atom of meaning."

The jury all wrote this down, on their slates, "She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it," but none of them attempted to explain the poem.

"If there's no meaning in it," said the King, "that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know," he went on, grabbing the poem in his magic, and studying it closely; "I seem to see some meaning in them, after all.’-said I could not swim-' you can't swim, can you?" he added, turning to the Knave.

The Knave shook his head sadly. "Do I look like it?" he said, which seemed odd to Twilight, since she could see no reason why he couldn't. The card people might struggle to swim, but- Wait a minute... Were they all made of card? Twilight thought about this a moment before deciding that it really didn't matter.

"All right, so far," said the King, and he went on muttering over the poem to himself; "We know it to be true'- that's the jury of course- 'If she should push the matter on'- that must be the Queen- 'what would become of you?'- What, indeed!- 'I gave her one, they gave him two'- why, that must be what he did with the tarts, you know-"

"But then," Twilight said, hoping to stop his ramblings; "it says 'they all returned from him to you,' surely that makes him guilty of nothing if all the tarts are returned?"

"Why, there they are?" said the King triumphantly, pointing to the tarts on the table. "Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again- 'before she had this fit'- you never had fits, did you dearest?" he asked the Queen.

"Never!" the Queen declared, furiously, throwing an inkstand at poor Bill as she spoke. (Poor Bill had left off writing on his slate with one finger, as he found it made no mark; be he now hastily began again, using the ink that was trickling down his face, as long as it lasted.)

"Then the words don't fit you," said the King, looking round the court with a smile. There was a dead silence, except for a groan, which came from Twilight.

"It's a pun!" the King said in an angry tone, and everyone, except Twilight who groaned again, laughed. "Let the jury consider their verdict," the King said, yet again.

Twilight was about to speak up when the Queen said "No, no! Sentence first- verdict after!"

"What!" Twilight shouted. "That's ridiculous; you can't have the sentence first!"

"Hold your tongue!" said the Queen, turning purple.

"No, I won't!" said Twilight. "I have had it up to here with this place! It's making my head hurt! And as for you two," she said, pointing at the King and Queen, "you, Shining Armour, and you, Cadence, make a great Prince and Princess in Equestria, but an awful King and Queen here! I am done!"

"Off with her head!" the Queen shouted. The Queen looked ready to explode, which was probably made worse by the fact that no one moved.

Twilight lowered her horn and charged it. "I'd like to see you try..." was her grim declaration.

This might have been a mistake on her part as an entire pack of cards launched itself into the air, and descended upon her, making her scream like a little filly as she flailed at them.

Suddenly she found herself lying beneath a tree, trying to bat leaves off her face. Rarity was also there, watching with a look that was halfway between concern and amusement.

"It's about time you woke up darling, you've been out here for hours. Much longer and I might have gone to get a doctor. What were you doing out here?"

Twilight felt more than a little muddled, and her thoughts seem to be a bit scattered. "I was looking for my stuff," she mumbled.

"I see," was Rarity's reply, "Well you weren't trying too hard if you had time to pass out under a tree. And look at you, you’re a complete mess!"

Twilight didn't care; she just lay there as her sense of reality reasserted itself. She licked her lips, as they, and her entire mouth, seemed a bit dry. In fact, she was really thirsty. Had that all been a dream brought on by heat and dehydration? Definitely made more sense than whatever just happened being real.

"Rarity?"

"Yes Twilight?"

"Don't tell anyone that a princess passed out from dehydration under a tree."

"Very well, Twilight." Rarity passed Twilight a bottle of water she had with her, Twilight gulping down the bottle in seconds. "By the way Twilight, since you mentioned finding your stuff, Flitter came by the castle earlier, bringing back your collection of po-" She was stopped by the arrival of Twilights' hoof in her mouth.

"It’s not mine! It’s Spike's! It’s nothing to do with me!"

Rarity yanked the hoof out of her mouth. "What is with ponies doing that? Anyway, I was going to say she found your collection of porcelain figurines; although I don't know why she bothered to return them since they were smashed to smithereens..." she trailed off as she realised all she was talking to was a dust cloud and the distant sound of "nononononono!"

"Well that was rude," she remarked.

"Sure was!" said an exuberant voice next to her.

"Ack! Pinkie! Don't do that! And why are you wearing that darling chapeau?" Pinkie was wearing a rather fetching top hat with a bill of sale stuck in the band.

"Oh, no reason. La lala la lala la." she sang as she bounced off, leaving Rarity standing alone in the light of the sunset.

"I get the feeling there's a moral to this, but I can't for the life of me think why."

Author's Note:

And it's done! Now I can get back to some serious Warcraft without thinking I should have finished this weeks ago.

Comments

[CrackedInkWell]

Brava! You actually pulled it off! That has to be the best parody of Alice in Wonderland that I've ever read! It was funny, had great commentary and a unique cast that still pulled through.

In short, fantastic!

[Smoker]

Abrupt ending to an entertaining sTory.

[whizzball1]

That was hilarious! You did it very well; I'm very much reminded of the book.

[The Hand of Pony]

Yay compliments!

[Smashology]

I know you did a faithful adaptation of the book, but I really wanted you to re-create this scene at some point.

Plus, thanks for using Twilight as Alice and not Fluttershy, since the most common in fanart.

[Kichi]

Poor Twilight, she should had called Lulu, too bad she was not doing her job.

[Starlight Nova]

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A retelling of Alice in Wonderland, Mlp style.

But there's no Discord tag? I find that weird.