Alicorn in Wonderland

by The Hand of Pony

Who stole the tarts?

The King and Queen of Hearts, Shining Armour and Cadence, were seated on their throne when they arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them, consisting of all sorts of birds and beasts, as well as a whole pack of the card people. The Knave was standing before them in chains, with a soldier on each side to guard him. Angel Bunny was near Shining, trumpet in one hand and a scroll of parchment in the other.

In the middle of the room was a table with a large dish of tarts upon it. This was enough to remind Twilight that the last thing she had eaten was some scraps at the Mad Hatters tea party; she was famished. She looked around, seeing if she could secretly teleport one or two to herself, but ultimately decided not to, reasoning that nothing's that simple around here.

Twilight was no student of the law, but she was well versed in how the courtroom should operate. The judge appeared to be her brother's counterpart, if the wig he wore was any indication; although he did appear to be wearing his crown over it.

There was also a box containing twelve various creatures. Guessing wildly, since she had no way of knowing for definite, she figured they must be the jury. In fact everything appeared to be present except for one thing; lawyers. The lack of lawyers was unusual, but, in Twilights' currently half-baked opinion, the lack of lawyers could hardly be a bad thing even in a mish-mash courtroom in a fantasy land.

She was about to settle back and wish for some popcorn to enjoy the show with, when she noticed the twelve jurors were writing something on the slates they had.

"What are they writing?" she asked the Gryphon. "The trial hasn't even started, how could they have anything to write?"

"Well, the law around here is a bit trial and error, and is more often than not, made up on the spot. The jurors are writing their names down in case they forget before this is over."

"Well that's bloody stupid!" Twilight burst out, cramming a hoof in her mouth at her outburst. The white rabbit cried out "Shut yer damn cake hole, whoever that was!" and the King looked around, trying to work out who had spoken.

Twilight, after extracting her hoof from her mouth, looked over to the jury to find that all of them had written 'well that's bloody stupid!' on their slates, except for one that couldn't spell stupid and was having to ask his neighbour for help. Twilight sighed, "This is so pathetic..." she thought to herself.

One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked, and the noise was sending shivers down her spine. Attempting a little stealth she went round the court and got behind him, waiting for the opportunity to take it without him noticing. The utter contempt this showed for the law was lost on Twilight as she magiced the pencil away when it was put down.

She did it so quick that the juror (it was Bill, the Fluttershy-esque lizard she kicked out of the chimney;) could not work out what had happened to it, so, after hunting around for it, he was left with no option but to try and write with his finger, which was fruitless since it left no mark. Feeling simultaneously guilty and triumphant, Twilight returned to her seat.

"Herald, read the accusation!" said the King.

Angel Bunny, on hearing this, blew his trumpet three times before unrolling the scroll and reading as follows-

"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day;
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts
And took them quite away!"

"Consider your verdict," said the King to the jury. Twilight face-hoofed, apparently even her brother couldn't escape the blatant stupidity of this place.

"Whoa whoa whoa! Not yet!" Angel interrupted. "We kinda got some other stuff to do first, y'know?"

"Call the first witness," said the King; and Angel blew three blasts on the trumpet and called out "First witness!"

"Oh no..." was all Twilight could say when she saw who the first witness was. It was Pinkie, or the Mad Hatter she was currently masquerading as.

"Hey Twilight! Its sooo great to see you again!" Pinkie shouted up into the stands, whilst waving vigorously. Twilight sank into her seat, covering her eyes with a leg, hoping to turn invisible. Pinkie turned to the King. "I'm real sorry for bringing these, y'maj," she said indicating the teacup and sandwich she had balanced on a plate on her head, "but you know what they say! Have party, will travel!"

"You ought to have finished," said the King. "When did you begin?"

Pinkie looked at the March Hare, who had followed her into the court, arm-in-arm with the Dormouse. "I have no idea... Fourteenth of March? Whaddya think Marchy? Mousey?

"Fifteenth," said the March Hare.

"Sixteenth," said the Dormouse.

"Write that down," the King said to the jury; and the jury, except Bill, wrote down all three dates on their slates, then added them up, and reduced the answer to bits and cents. Twilights' jaw hung open, "Why would you even do that?" she thought.

"Take off your hat," the King said to the Hatter.

"Nopey dopey! This isn't my hat!"

"Stolen!" the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly made a memorandum of the fact.

"No no no, silly! I make them to sell, I'm a hatter!"

Here the Queen put on her spectacles, which Twilight never even knew she needed, and began staring hard at the Hatter, who stood there in good natured obliviousness.

"Give your evidence," said the King, "and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot."

"Okey Dokey!" said Pinkie, cheerfully. Apparently she must have been slightly nervous because whilst avoiding the Queens stare she reached up, grabbed her teacup, and took a bite out of it. Twilight could hear the crunching as Pinkie chewed from where she sat.

It was right then that Twilight began to feel a mite peculiar. It took her a moment to work it out, but it became pretty obvious when she looked down on everyone; she was growing. Once she realised she was growing she did wonder whether she should leave the courtroom, but decided on a different option.

Fumbling in her little neck bag she searched for some of the mushroom, but was slightly aghast to find it all gone. Taking the third option she gave herself, she chose instead to remain where she was and hope no one would notice. It was a vain hope.

"I wish you wouldn't squeeze so," said the Dormouse, who was sitting next to her. "I can hardly breath."

"Sorry, I can't help it. I seem to be, well, growing," she said with a weak grin.

"You've no right to grow here," said the Dormouse.

Twilight just shrugged. "Everything grows, even you. Not much I can do about it."

"Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace," said the Dormouse; "not in that ridiculous fashion."

"Oh shush, I'm bigger than you."

"Well I never!" With a huff the Dormouse got up and moved to the other side of the courtroom.

All this time the Queen had never stopped staring at Pinkie, and, as the Dormouse crossed the court, she said to one of the officers of the court, "Bring me the list of singers on the last concert!" That got Pinkie's attention, and she started trembling, as she sported an almost manic smile.

"Give your evidence," the King repeated angrily, "or I'll have you executed, whether you're nervous or not." Twilight frowned to herself, "So much for Shining being a nice guy here as well," she thought.

"I'm a poor pony, y'maj," Pinkie began, in a wavering voice, "and I hadn't begun my tea, not above a week or so, and what with the bread and butter getting so thin, and the twinkling of the tea-"

"The twinkling of what?" asked the King.

"It began with the tea," Pinkie replied.

"Of course twinkling begins with a T!" said the King sharply. "Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!"

"No sirree bob, your a smart lil kingy! Anyway, I'm a poor pony, and most things twinkled after that, only Marchy said-"

"I didn't!" the March Hare interrupted in a great hurry.

"Don't be silly Marchy! I'm pretty sure you said-"

"No I didn't!" the March hare interrupted once again.

"Yes Marchy, you did..."

"I deny it!"

"He denies it," said the king; "leave out that part."

"Well, anyway, Mousey said-" Pinkie paused, looking to the Dormouse to see if it would deny it as well, but the Dormouse denied nothing, seeing as it had fallen asleep.

"And after that," continued Pinkie, "I cut some more bread and butter-"

"But what did Mous- the Dormouse say?" asked one of the jurors.

"Heck if I know," said Pinkie, "he tends to fall asleep halfway through conversations.

"You must remember," remarked the King, "or I'll have you executed."

Pinkie dropped her teacup and her bread and butter, and dropped into a bow. "I'm a poor pony, y'maj," she began.

"You're a very poor speaker," said the King.

Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately suppressed by the court officers by means of being shoved into a canvas bag head first, and being sat upon.

"If that's all you know about it, you may stand down," continued the King.

Pinkie giggled, "How can I stand down? Stand up, sure, but stand down? Maybe I could stand down if I was floating, but I'm not, I'm definitely on the floor."

"Then you may sit down," the King said.

Here another guinea-pig cheered, and was similarly suppressed. "This is beyond a joke," Twilight thought to herself as she started to loom over the jurors box.

"Can't I just go somewhere and finish my tea? I mean, the party's not over yet!" said Pinkie, giving the Queen a nervous glance. The Queen herself appeared to be reading a list of the singers from the concert.

"You may go," said the King, and Pinkie fled, leaving a burst of confetti behind.

"-and just take her head off outside," the Quern said to one of the officers, but Pinkie was long gone. "Good job too," Twilight thought to herself," I was going to have to get all stompy if they tried to hurt her."

"Call the next witness!" said the King.

The next witness was the Duchess's cook. She had a pepper pot tucked behind one ear, and Twilight could have guessed who it was, even before she got into the courtroom, by the way that the people by the door began sneezing simultaneously.

"Give your evidence," said the King.

"Shan't," said the cook.

The King looked anxiously at Angel Bunny, who said, in a lower voice than usual, "Your Majesty, you really, kinda, gotta, cross examine this witness."

"Well if I must, I must," the King said with a melancholy air, and, after folding his fore-legs and frowning at the cook til his eyes were nearly out of sight, he asked, "What are tarts made of?"

"Pepper, mostly," said the cook.

"Treacle," said a sleepy voice behind her.

"Mustard." Twilight said quietly, without really knowing why. Thankfully no one seemed to hear it.

"Collar that Dormouse!" the Queen shrieked. "Behead that Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!"

For some minutes the courtroom was in chaos as the Dormouse was forcibly removed, and, by the time they had settled down again, the cook had disappeared.

"Never mind!" the King said cheerfully, with an air of great relief. "Call the next witness!" And, he added, in an under-tone to the Queen, "Really dearest, you must question the next witness. I have developed a headache like you would not believe."

Twilight watched as Angel fumbled with his scroll, wondering who the next witness might be, and how incompetent as a witness they would be. She was rather surprised when Angel, in his comically deep voice, said "Twilight Sparkle!"