Alicorn in Wonderland

by The Hand of Pony

Advice from a caterpillar

"Greetings Twilight!"

Twilight stared, her mouth hanging open and her brain un-comprehending. "Discord?" she asked weakly.

"Well there's no need to look at me like that, just because I've picked up some superfluous limbs and turned blue."

"Buh...buh...lo's legs...blue...smoking?"

"Well yes, everyone needs a hobby. As for the legs and coloration I'm currently playing the role of the Blue Caterpillar."

Twilight shook her head in an attempt to disperse the errant thoughts crowding her mind. "But why? Why are you here as a blue caterpillar?"

"You mean you don't know? Little miss smarty-corn?" he said before tapping her on the horn. "Then I don't know why you expect me to know. I'm just a caterpillar."

"But I might not be a 'smarty-corn'. I might not be me at all."

Discord looked serious for a moment before snorting into laughter. "Oh that's too good! You of all ponies don't know who you are? Seems that song that Celly and the others sang was as worthless as I thought it was."

"What!? No! I mean I might not be me, as in not Twilight!" Twilight stared at Discord with as serious a face as she could muster. Discord on the other hoof just grinned at her.

"Then who are you, dear Twilight?"

Twilight looked at the ground. Of all the people she had to admit this to it had to be Discord. "There's a small chance, that is to say possibility, that I could, maybe, be...Pinkie," she muttered.

"I'm sorry, what was that Twilight? You kind of mumbled there."

"I might be Pinkie..."

"Come again?"

"I'M PINKIE!" Twilight shouted. "I might be Pinkie okay!"

Discord raised his eyebrow at this. "You think you're Pinkie..." Twilight could see him shaking with supressed laughter. "So should I call you Twilight Diane Pie, or Pinkamena Sparkle?" He finally broke down into a series of guffaws.

"Ugh, you know what; forget it. I should have known better than expect you to be helpful," she said before starting to walk away.

"Wait Twinkie Sparklepie! I've got something important to tell you!"

"Twinkie Sparklepie? You call me that and expect me to take you seriously?"

Discord managed to finally reign in his laughter. "Sometimes Twilight I get the feeling you don't know me very well. And yes I have something important to tell you."

"And what might that be?"

"Keep your temper."

Twilight ground her teeth. "Keep my temper... Keep my temper! That's your important thing to say! I-I... You know what, forget it. See you around Discord."

"Oh come now, Pinklight Pie-kle, that's hardly all I got to say. I mean, come on, it’s me." Discord took a few puffs of his hookah, blowing smoke into complex geometric patterns that could bend the mind if looked at too closely. Finally he got the hint to continue speaking when Twilight threatened to cut the mushroom down while he was sat on it.

"So why do you think you're Pinkie?"

"Well firstly I'm in some strange mystical place where nothing makes sense. Sounds an awful lot like the inside of Pinkies head. Secondly, everything I remember seems wrong and mixed up. And thirdly, when I tried to recite a poem it came out like something Pinkie would say! Oh, and I keep changing size, just to add to the confusion."

Discord looked at her sceptically for a moment. "That hardly seems like proof your Pinkie but I'll humour you. Repeat the poem 'You are old'."

Twilight sat down and gave Discord a funny look before starting.

"You are old, Granny Smith," the young buck said, "
And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head-
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," Granny Smith replied to the buck,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the buck, "as I mentioned before,
And have hardly an ounce of fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door-
Pray, what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the nag, as she shook her white locks, "
I kept all my limbs very supple,
By the use of this ointment-one bit to the box-
Allow me to sell you a couple?"

"You are old," said the buck, "and your jaws are too weak,
For anything tougher than porridge;
Yet you finished a feast, with beets and with hay-
How you do it, pray give me knowledge."

"In my youth," said the mare, "I was a rebel,
And argued my parents to strife;
And the muscular strength it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the buck, "One would hardly suppose,
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose-
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said the mare. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll buck you down-stairs!"

"That was wonderful!" Discord proclaimed clapping his numerous hands together.

"THAT, was nonsense! Do you see why I'm all confused now."

"Oh don't be such a drag! So you got a poem wrong, big deal. Doesn't mean you're Pinkie. But I guess you'll find out one way or the other soon enough."

"Oh that's a relief, I thought you were going to be helpful for once."

"It could happen. I do believe you want to get bigger, and I may just have a solution for you."

Hope bloomed in Twilight's eyes. "Really! Because that'd be great. Being this small sucks!"

Discord raised an eyebrow. "You know, if I was actually a caterpillar I'd probably be really offended at that remark. Anyway, here's the deal; you eat one side, you get taller. The other makes you shorter."

"One side? One side of what?"

Discord walked, (or crawled. Twilight wasn't sure how to describe it), off his fungal throne before giving the mushroom a pat. "One side of the mushroom Twilight; its magical y'know," he said before giving Twilight a suggestive grin. "Anyhoo I'm off. Things to do, places to go. You know how it is." He started to saunter off.

"Discord, wait! Do you know where we are?"

"I have no idea what this particular wonderland is called. But it is wonderfully chaotic here, I'm thinking of buying a summer house. Ciao darling!" He disappeared with a flash and a 'ribbit'.

Twilight turned back to the mushroom. "Right, so one side makes me bigger, and the other makes me...wait. Which side is which? I-Ugh, dammit Discord, I thought you seemed too helpful."

Using her magic she broke a chunk off both sides of the mushroom and took an experimental nibble of the piece from the right. She was very surprised when her chin hit her hoof as she rapidly shrank.

Obviously this was not what she wanted and desperately took a bite of the other piece of mushroom.

-0-0-0-

"Well this is a whole new kind of weird. Thanks a bunch Discord." Twilight, or at least her head, was now towering over the top of the trees she was standing amongst. All she could see if she looked down was a floor of green and the immense length of her own neck.

She waved a hoof but although she could feel the motion, she couldn't see it. She bent her neck to get a better look and was delighted to find, considering the circumstances, that her lengthy neck was totally prehensile and could bend in any direction.

She was moving her head amongst the treetops, trying to find her body, which is an odd sentence to say in any situation, when a sharp hiss and a cry of "The horror! The horror!" made her flinch and pull back. A large cream and maroon coloured pigeon had flown into her face, and was beating her violently with its wings.

"Serpent!" screamed the pigeon.

"I'm not a serpent! I hate snakes!" shouted Twilight "Get off of me!"

"Serpent, I say again! Oh the horror!" said the pigeon, but in a more subdued tone, and added, with a kind of sob, "I've tried every way, but nothing seems to suit them!"

Twilight went silent for a moment as she observed the flustered bird. "Nope, I have no idea what you’re on about."

"I've tried the roots of trees, and I've tried banks, and I've tried hedges," the pigeon went on, without listening; "but those serpents! There's no pleasing them! The horror!"

"Why do you keep saying ‘the horror?'" Twilight really didn't need this but kept listening out of politeness.

"As if it wasn't enough trouble hatching the eggs," said the pigeon, oblivious to Twilight's increasingly annoyed look; "but I must be on the lookout for serpents, night and day! Why I haven't had a wink of sleep in three weeks!"

Realisation dawned on Twilight. "I'm very sorry to hear that, I mean, I go pretty batty after just a few days without sleep."

"And just as I'd taken the highest tree in the wood," continued the pigeon, raising its voice to a shriek, "and just as I was thinking I should be free of them at last, horror of horrors, they come wriggling down from the sky! Ugh, serpent!"

"If you think I'm a serpent, why are you telling me this?" The pigeon cooed and gave a shrug. "Anyway, for your information I'm not a serpent. I'm just having a bit of an excessive neck problem."

"Well if you’re not a serpent, what are you?" the pigeon demanded.

"I'm a pony. I'm not sure which pony, but I'm definitely a pony, or at least I was when I last checked."

"A pony," the pigeon deadpanned. "I've seen a few ponies in my time and plenty have had long faces but not long necks! No, you’re a serpent, and there's no use in denying it. I suppose next you'll tell me you've never tasted an egg!"

"Uh...well, yes I have tasted eggs," Twilight admitted awkwardly; "they are a staple in the Equestrian ponies diet."

"Well then, Equestrian ponies are all serpents as far as I'm concerned." Twilight was silent as the stupidity of that statement stunned her. "You’re looking for eggs, I know that well enough. What does it matter to me if you’re a pony or a serpent?"

"It matters to me," said Twilight; "but I'm not looking for eggs, as it happens. Breakfast was hours ago." She gave the pigeon a malicious grin.

"Well be off then!" said the pigeon sulkily, as it settled back onto its nest. Twilight did so, leaving the pigeon to mutter "The horror! The horror!" to itself.

Twilight wound herself down through the trees, taking care to not entangle herself too much. Once she was down to near ground level she picked the pieces of mushroom up from where she dropped them and carefully set to work, nibbling first one, then the other, growing both shorter and taller, until she felt she was the right height.

It was so good to be the right height again that she couldn't resist doing a little hoofy-dance in celebration.

Of course she had no real plan, other than to get home so she didn't have any other option than to pick a direction and go. First though she found some leaves and used a transformation spell to turn it into a small bag, which she hung around her neck. She then placed the remainder of the mushroom in the bag, figuring it would more than likely be useful later.

It was good thinking because soon after she set off she found an open space, with a little house in it, about four feet high. Feeling proud for thinking ahead she nibbled on the mushroom until she was just the right height to enter the house.

Comments

[annonymus]

"I'm not a serpent! I hate snakes!" shouted Twilight "Get off of me!"

I always knew that Twilight is afraid of snakes like Indiana Jones.