Alicorn in Wonderland

by The Hand of Pony

The Queens croquet ground

A large rose bush grew near the entrance of the garden, complete with beautiful white roses. However there seemed to be two individuals attempting to paint the roses red. Twilight thought this was bloody odd and went closer to investigate, and as she went closer she heard one of them say "Look out five! Don't you go splashing paint over me like that! You want the Queen to figure out what we're doin' 'ere?"

"Eenope!" was the emphatic reply.

Twilight focused on the two painters. They appeared to consist of a large playing card, walking upright, yet with legs at all four corners. One of the cards was bigger than the other and its limbs appeared to be red, as was its head. It was also wearing an old fashioned horse collar which looked rather out of place on a bi-pedal playing card; but that's not saying much when bi-pedal playing cards are pretty out of place to begin with.

To Twilight's utter lack of surprise the other card had an orange complexion, blonde hair, and was wearing a Stetson. Clearly this was meant to be AppleJack and her brother Big Macintosh. Since having her friends altered and thrown back at her was nothing new now she had no qualms about just walking up to them and introducing herself.

"Hi AppleJack. Hi Big Mac." she said as cheerfully as she could. The blank stares she got back were slightly unnerving, but eventually the AppleJack card spoke up.

"Well howdy there stranger. Ah don't know no AppleJack, or no Big Mac. Ah'm Two, and this here is mah big bro Five, ain't that right Five?"

"Eeyup," said the Big Mac card, as laconic in this world as in the normal one.

"Anyway," the card Two continued, "it’s always nice to meet a new face around here! Welcome to the Queen of Hearts gardens and croquet grounds!" she said before grabbing Twilight's front right hoof and shaking it vigorously.

"Um...thanks? So what are you two supposed to be doing here?"

AppleJack looked around nervously. "Well the thing is we were supposed to plant a bush with red roses, but as you can see this ain't a red rose bush. Now that ole Queen only likes flowers, and practically everything else, to be red; which is odd since she ain't red but that don't matter none. If she were to find we planted a white rose bush she have our heads off quick as a whip!"

Five had spent that explanation nodding and shaking his head and interjecting with the occasional "Eeyup" and "Eenope." Twilight, however, just arched a brow at Two.

"Seems a little extreme."

"You don't know that Queen. Trust me when ah say ya don't wanna get on her bad side." Right at that moment a panicked Five started tapping her on the shoulder and whispering "Queen! Queen!"

"Aww sweet nelly!" was all Two said before falling to her knees and bowing, her head touching the ground, Five doing the same. Twilight just stood there as the sound of many footsteps approached.

First, walking two by two, came ten soldiers carrying clubs, the soldiers shaped like cards as the two hapless gardeners were. Next came ten courtiers, ornamented with diamonds and walking two by two as the soldiers had. After that came what appeared to be foals, ornamented in hearts and prancing along in twos like those before them. Next came a variety of Kings and Queens, and among them was that talking rat that called himself W.Rabbit. Twilight's growl had no chance of being heard above the din the procession was making, although the two gardeners did look up at her in confusion. Mr Rabbit was talking to the Kings and Queens, smiling aimlessly at everything said like he had brain damage. That probably wasn't true but Twilight wasn't in the mood to think nice things about him.

The second to last to come was the Knave of Hearts, carrying the Kings crown on a velvet cushion upon his back. Lastly came the King and Queen of Hearts, who just so happened to be her brother Shining Armour and Princess Cadence, who wore an expression shared by those with a stick permanently jammed somewhere uncomfortable. Thankfully for Twilight she had learned by now that the ponies she thought to be her friends, weren't. So rather than running up to them and gushing about how happy she was to see them, she stayed quiet, remaining where she was.

Unfortunately for her though, instead of bowing like everyone else she had remained standing, drawing attention to herself. She was somewhat surprised when the procession stopped next to her.

"Who is this?" Cadence demanded, directing the query at the Knave, who just smiled and bowed. "Idiot!" shouted Cadence, tossing her head impatiently before turning to Twilight and asking "What is your name, child?"

"Twilight Sparkle, your...uh...your...majesty?" Twilight said, although within the recesses of her mind she was busy fuming about being called a child. Cadence wasn't that much older than her.

"And who are these?" Cadence asked, gesturing with a hoof at the two gardeners who were lying on the floor next to the rose bush. The problem with these card people became apparent to Twilight, when they lay on their fronts the patterns on their backs made them look the same as the soldiers and courtiers. The fact that one wore a Stetson and the other a horse collar should have made it obvious who they were, but clearly not.

Twilight didn't want to get the gardeners into trouble though, so instead of confessing who they were she said, "I don't know. It’s not my problem if you can't identify your own employees."

Cadence turned crimson with fury, and, after glaring at Twilight for a moment like a wild beast began screaming "Off with her head! Off with-"

"What!?" shouted Twilight in response. "What did I do to deserve that?"

"Sunshine, sunshine, lady bugs awake!" Cadence sang, while performing the rhymes dance, "I'll make you regret, your silly little mistake!"

Twilight was horrified. "You did not just bastardise that! How dare you!" She started to charge her horn, "If you want my head...come and get it..."

The King, Shining Armour, pressed a hoof to Cadence's shoulder and quietly said "Cadence, darling, she is only a child."

Cadence turned away from him with a huff, choosing to instead scream in the Knaves face. "Turn them over!" she demanded, which the Knave did so, very carefully, with a hoof.

"Get up!" Cadence screamed, and the two gardeners instantly jumped up, and began bowing to the King, Queen, the royal children, and everyone else.

"Leave that off!" screamed Cadence. "You make me giddy." She then gave the rose bush a critical stare. "What have you been doing here?"

"If'n it pleases yer maj," said Two in a very small voice, "we were tryin' ta-."

"I see!" said Cadence who had continued her critical stare at the rose bush. "Off with their heads!" and the procession moved on, two of the soldiers remaining behind to carry out the execution.

The two gardeners ran to Twilight for protection, and she shoved them into a large flowerpot. "If you value your lives, I suggest you stay put." She then nonchalantly walked away from the pot, watching the two soldier’s mill about before they finally marched off after the procession.

"Are their heads off?" shouted Cadence.

"Their heads are gone, if it pleases your majesty!" was the soldiers shouted reply. Twilight smirked to herself.

"That's right!" shouted Cadence. "Can you play croquet?" The soldiers didn't answer and it took Twilight a moment to realise they were all looking to her for an answer.

"I have no idea!" she shouted in reply.

"Come on then!" roared Cadence. How Cadence hadn't lost her voice by now mystified Twilight. The real Cadence almost never raised her voice, even when angry. She joined the procession, wondering what idiocy would be assaulting her next.

"So..." said a recognisable voice beside her, "nice day, am I right?" It was Angel Bunny, or Wilbur Rabbit, or whatever he called himself.

"Very," was Twilight's terse reply, hissed from between gritted teeth. Only the fact that she didn't want to make a scene was keeping her from showing Angel the raw power of the element of magic. "Where's Rarity-I mean, the Duchess?" she said, voicing her other concern.

Angel looked about wildly, "Keep it down, would ya?" He looked about again before raising himself on tiptoe and whispering in her ear "She's gonna be executed!"

"Oh," said Twilight in a dull monotone, "what for?"

"Wow..." Angel gave Twilight a sideways glance. "Very heartfelt reaction there..."

"Meh," was Twilight's simple reply. "If it was actually the real Rarity I'd be tearing this place apart to find her, trust me." Twilight saw Angel silently mouth 'who's Rarity?'

"Anyway, she got done for boxing the Queens ears." Twilight snirked at that, Angel just shrugged. "We've all wanted to do it at least once."

"Get to your places!" came Cadence's thunderous voice, making everyone run about in a hurry. A courtier came up and thrust a snake towards Twilight making her jump sideways and grab it in her magic. After taking a moment to calm herself she took a closer look at the snake and realised it wasn't a snake at all. It was a miniature version of the river serpent they had found in the Everfree, so long ago.

It also had its arms crossed and was wearing a frown. "There's no need to look at me like that you know." it said.

"Right, sorry." she said, giving the serpent a sheepish grin. Another courtier came along and placed a ball down in front of her. The ball-

"Howdy!" said the ball.

"Aah!" shouted Twilight, leaping backwards this time. "AppleBloom?"

"Ah, see...no. Yer close though, the names A-ballBloom. Ah'm t' be yer ball fer yer croquet game."

"What?" said Twilight, slightly horrified. "Isn't that cruel?"

"Naw, not really." said A-ballBloom casually, like this was the most normal thing in the world. "It’s a fine ole family tradition. Sure it’s not perfect and ideally Ah'd like to make some changes, but..." She turned towards the Queen and shouted "Equal rights fer sports equipment!" before turning back to Twilight. "Ah try but no-one really listens," she said with a sigh.

Twilight didn't know what to say. Luckily the serpent filled the silence. "No-one listens to you because you’re just a ball."

"Aww shuddup! No-one asked you! You’re just a croquet mallet!"

"Oooohhhh...is that what that's for?" said Twilight, although it was unheard by all since her ball and mallet seemed to having an argument.

"Just a croquet mallet? Just a croquet mallet? What happened to 'equal rights for sports equipment?' I'll have you know I am not just a croquet mallet. I am a fabulous croquet mallet!"

"No, yer a whiny croquet mallet. Soon as we start playing y'all starting moaning 'bout yer hair, or yer moo-stache. Does mah head in it does. Croquet mallets should just shut up and get on with it."

"Oh like your any better! 'Ooh I'm gonna feel that one!' 'That's gonna leave a mark!' 'My backs aching from being curled up in a ball all the time!' Moan moan moan moan moan! Least your head isn't being used like a hammer!"

A-ballBloom was about to start speaking but Twilight got there first. "Enough! The pair of you! We are going to play croquet, and you are going to like it!" She lined up a shot with an arch, ordered the serpent to stop being so floppy, and took a shot sending A-ballBloom barrelling through the arch.

"Good shot!" "My coiffure! Look what you did! And my poor moustache..."

Twilight brought the serpent up to her face and looked it in the eye. "A-ballBloom was right. Croquet mallets should be silent."

"Told ya," said A-ballBloom as the serpent huffed in protest. Twilight played a few more shots but didn't really know what she was doing. When she looked at the other players she saw that they too just seemed to be randomly hitting the balls around with no discernable pattern. Apparently this was annoying the Queen, who was stomping around ordering beheadings left, right, and centre.

"How are there people here? Why haven't they rebelled against the Queens tyranny? Why doesn't this place smell like a festering plague pit with all these executions?"

Just as she was pondering this, and wondering whether she should make her escape, possibly taking A-ballBloom with her; a 'Boo' from behind her made her jump forward and trip over A-ballBloom, sending her sprawling.

"My nerves are going to be shot after this," she said, after spitting out a mouthful of dirt. The chuckling coming from behind her made it pretty obvious who her assailant was. "Hello Discord..."

"Hello Twinkie Pie! Keeping well I hope?"

"As well as could be expected. You can drop the Pinkie Pie stuff though. I met the hatter and I kind of think I'm probably me."

"And there goes another piece of fun, sucked into the black hole of humour known as Twilight Sparkle," Discord said glumly "So what have I missed?"

Twilight regaled Discord with the events of the tea party and how the Mad Hatter is a horrible person and that she felt sorry for Pinkie being the Hatter. She then explained how she got to where she was now and how Cadence was horrible, and how her and Shining must've got biz-ay since they had ten kids.

"So now I'm here, attempting to keep my head, playing a game I don't know how to play with a chatty ball," "Howdy!" said A-ballBloom; "and this pugnacious lizard stick." The serpent gave an indignant 'hmmph!' "Leading up to me talking to a floating cats head. All in all it’s still pretty weird around here. I was just thinking of escaping this place with A-ballBloom, when you showed up.

"You sure that's a good idea? I mean last time you foalnapped someone they turned into a pig."

"What!?" shouted A-ballBloom in horror, "I don't wanna be no pig!"

"Rescued, Discord. I rescued her. Besides what are the odds on that happening twice."

"In this place...probably about a million to one, which practically makes it a guarantee."

"I don't wanna be a piiiiggggg!" bawled A-ballBloom, gummy tears running down her face, accompanied by the occasional snot bubble.

"Oh shush. Anyway, here I am; playing this ludicrous croquet game and trying to keep my head firmly attached to my shoulders."

"I see..." said Discord ominously. "You’re doing pretty well to have not been sentenced to death yet. What do you think of Cadence two point oh?"

"She's absolutely awful. I mean-" she then noticed that the Queen was right behind her, "she's beautiful, talented, and an amazing croquet player and I'm just burning with envy!" Cadence smiled and moved on. "You knew she was behind me didn't you!" Twilight hissed at Discord.

"Who are you talking to?" asked the King, Shining Armour; who looked at the floating cats head with curiosity.

"Oh this is Disc-cat! Cheshire cat! He's a cat! Definitely a cat. No questions about that."

Shining gave the floating head a critical look. "I don't like the look of it at all," he said. "Not many do," muttered Twilight under her breath. "However it may kiss the royal hoof, if it likes."

"Me no like." said Discord, giving Shining a piercing stare.

"Don't be impertinent," said Shining, "and don't look at me like that!" he said as he hid behind Twilight.

Discord floated toward Twilight and whispered in her ear, "Guess we both know who wears the trousers in this relationship."

Twilight gave Discord a look before she turned to address Shining. "The cat does have a bit of an issue with royalty, Kings, Queens, Princesses, and authority in general." She had emphasized the Princesses part. Discord blew a raspberry at her.

"Well, it must be removed," said Shining very decidedly before he called over to Cadence, who was passing by; "My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed!"

The Queen only had one tried and tested method of problem solving. "Off with his head!" she shouted without even looking round. Discord and Twilight rolled their eyes in unison.

"I'll fetch the executioner myself," said Shining eagerly before hurrying off.

"Discord? This is a sick, sick place."

"No arguments here. It'll be fun to see how this pans out though."

Twilight went off to see how the game was progressing as the sound of Cadence screaming her head off could only mean one thing, and she was right; so far the Queen had sentenced three players to death for missing their turns. Fearing such a fate for herself she went in search of A-ballBloom.

She found A-ballBloom having a fight with another ball, who appeared to be the Pegasus colt Rumble. Seeing an opportunity to croquet them she went off in search of her mallet, which had slithered off somewhere. She found it in one of the fountains and managed to coax it into unwrapping itself from the fountain centre, by means of grabbing it in her magic and yanking it.

By the time she got back to the balls they had stopped fighting and had clearly gone off to do something more interesting. Not that it mattered, the arches were all gone anyway.

She sighed, irritated at this stupid game, and went to see what trouble Discord was getting into. When she found him she wasn't particularly surprised to see a crowd gathered round him. Cadence and Shining were arguing with the executioner, while everyone else was suspiciously silent.

As soon as she appeared they gathered around her, trying to get her to help solve their dilemmas, loudly, and at the same time. After much repeating she was able to work out their issues.

The executioner's argument was that you couldn't cut off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from, and that he had never had to do such a thing before, and he wasn't going to begin at his time of life.

Shining's argument was that anything that had a head could be beheaded, and that you weren't to talk nonsense.

Cadence's argument was that, if something wasn't done about it in less than no time she'd have everybody executed, all round. For some reason everyone rubbed their necks and looked awkward when she said that.

Discord appeared to be enjoying the show, judging by the grin he wore, and Twilight was wondering if this was some twisted parody of a friendship report. All she said in the end was "It belongs to the Duchess, you'd better ask her about it."

"She's in prison," said Cadence to the executioner. "Fetch her here." The executioner went off like an arrow.

Discord's cat head began fading away the moment he was gone, and, by the time he had returned with the Duchess, it had entirely disappeared, (but not before giving a wink to Twilight, making her smirk.) Shining and the executioner ran up and down wildly, looking for him while everyone else returned to the game.