Alicorn in Wonderland

by The Hand of Pony

A mad tea party

There was a table set out in front of the house, from which was coming an inordinate amount of giggling. The table’s inhabitants seemed to consist of said March Hare, a dormouse that was asleep; and a top hat that was sat on top of a curly pink mane that could only belong to one pony. Twilight thought she was that pony. Naturally this was rather upsetting.

"Hellooooooo Twilight!" shouted Pinkie, whilst waving enthusiastically.

"P-Pinkie? Buh...but what are you doing here? And why are you Pinkie? I thought I was Pinkie!"

The possibly not real Pinkie giggle-snorted. "Why would you think you're Pinkie? I mean me? I mean me if I wasn't being someone else right now?"

"You mean you’re not you?"

Pinkie thought for a moment; "Well sure I'm me, I'm always me! Even if I'm being someone else right now there's still only one Pinkie!"

"But if you’re not you right now then there's a chance I could be you. Besides you do remember the mirror pool incident right? There was definitely more than one Pinkie then."

"Omigosh your right!" Pinkie felt her face with her hooves; "I'm not the real Pinkie! I'm an imposter!"

"Aww, its okay Pinkie," said Twilight soothingly, as Pinkie started to hyperventilate. "Even if you’re not the real Pinkie you're still a really good copy. Besides there's always a chance I might not be you, in which case you can be Pinkie again."

Pinkie's breathing slowed to a more reasonable level, although she still looked slightly panicked. "I-I guess so... Well if I can't be Pinkie I'll just have to be the best darn mad-hatter ever!"

Twilight did a little hoof clap, "That's the spirit Pinki-, I mean Miss Hatter. I'm sorry I stole your you."

"It’s ok Twilight, just take good care of my me ok?"

"Ok," Twilight said, reaching over to give the hatter a hug. She might not have been the real Pinkie, but she sure hugged like her.

The March Hare had been watching this with an incredulous eye. His companion the Dormouse was still sleeping, which had probably saved it a lot of effort trying to follow that little conversation. "Would you like some wine?" he finally managed to ask Twilight.

"I would absolutely love some wine," she said; "but I don't see any."

"There isn't any," said the Hare.

"Then why would you offer it? It’s not very civil."

"It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited," the Hare said firmly.

"There's three of you here, at a table set for about thirty people. I really didn't think it'd be an issue," said Twilight indignantly.

Pinkie had been looking at Twilight critically whilst she had been talking to the Hare. "You know, if you’re going to be Pinkie you really should get a haircut. The straight look is not really her thing."

"Excuse me?" said Twilight, "That's a bit personal. I'm Pinkie; I'll decide what she should look like."

The Pinkie-hatter opened her eyes very wide on hearing this, and Twilight thought she was about to argue when instead she asked "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"I-, what? Is that supposed to be a riddle? I suppose I could have a guess..."

"Do you mean that you think you can find an answer to it?" asked the Hare.

"That is essentially what I said, yes."

"Then you should say what you mean," the Hare went on.

"I do," Twilight snapped; "at least...at least I mean what I say, that's the same thing!"

"Not the same thing a bit!" said the Hatter imperiously. "Why, you might just as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same as saying 'I eat what I see!"

"You might as well say," the Hare added, "that 'I like what I get' is the same as 'I get what I like!"

"You might as well say," said the Dormouse, who appeared to be talking in its sleep, "that 'I breathe when I sleep' is the same as 'I sleep when I breath'!"

"It is the same thing with you silly!" said the Hatter with a giggle. The party fell silent, the only sound being Twilight's rear hoof tapping against the table leg in annoyance. Their examples had nothing to do with what she had said.

Naturally Pinkie was the first to break the silence. "What day of the month is it?" she asked. She had taken a pocket watch out of the jacket she was wearing and was looking at it uneasily, giving it the occasional shake and holding it to her ear.

Twilight thought for a moment. "Well I don't know if you use the same calendar here, but it was the fourth when I left Equestria."

"Two days wrong!" sighed Pinkie. "I told you butter was probably a bad idea!" she said, looking angrily at the Hare.

"It was your idea!" said the Hare. "Besides, we used the best butter," he added meekly.

"Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well," Pinkie grumbled; "you shouldn't have used the bread knife."

The Hare took the watch and looked at it gloomily before dipping it into her cup of tea and looking at it again. "You used the bread knife and you put the butter in, besides, it was the best butter you know."

Twilight looked over at the watch with some curiosity. "Well that's a dull watch." she remarked. "It tells the day of the month, but not the time."

"Why should it?" asked Pinkie, with a hint of finality. "Does your watch tell you what year it is?"

"Nope," replied Twilight cheerily; "I don't even own a watch!"

"Really?" asked Pinkie, surprised. "All that fancy, shiny stuff in the library and you don't even own a watch?"

"Sure, I used to have a watch with all the fancy, shiny stuff I used to own in the library I used to live in before it got blown to smithereens!"

"Oh yeah...right. Sorry."

"It’s fine. Why are you so interested in the time anyway?"

Pinkie seemed to ignore her. "The Dormouse is asleep again," she said before pouring a little hot tea on its nose.

The dormouse snorted and shook its head and said, without opening its eyes, "Of course, just what I was going to remark myself."

"Have you guessed the riddle yet?" Pinkie suddenly asked, throwing yet another tangent into the conversation.

"No. To be honest I haven't even been thinking about it."

"No problem Twilight," said Pinkie, earnestly; "I couldn't tell you if you were right or wrong anyway, since none of us know the answer."

Twilight sighed. "Don't you think your time might be better spent on something productive, rather than wasting it on asking riddles with no answer?"

"If you knew Time as well as I do," said Pinkie with a sigh, "you wouldn't talk about wasting it. It’s him."

"Him?" asked Twilight. "I have no idea what you mean."

"Of course you don't!" said Pinkie, tossing her head contemptuously. "I dare say you've never even spoke to Time!"

"Well of course I haven't! Why would I talk to a concept?"

"Well no wonder then," said Pinkie; "he hates being ignored. Now if only you had been nice to him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, say it was nine in the morning, all early and boring, and you had an awesome party planned for the afternoon. All you'd have to do was whisper a hint to Time and round the clock goes in a twinkling to party time!"

"You say that like it’s a good thing," the Hare muttered to itself.

"Ok...sure." Twilight said, fighting the urge to roll her eyes. "But I've only just got up so I might not want a party so soon."

"And you call yourself Pinkie..." the other Pinkie said, squinting her eyes at Twilight.” Anyway, once it’s party time you could keep it as party time as long as you wanted, so the party's still going when you do want it."

"Is that what happened here?"

"Nope! Although that is a super awesome idea! No, our tea party was come upon by different means. Time and I had an itsy-bitsy falling out last march - just before he went mad, you know" (pointing a hoof at the March Hare,) "it was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing

"'Twinkle, twinkle little bat! How I wonder what you’re at!'"

"You know the song I mean right?"

"Uhh...sort of." said Twilight.

"It goes on," Pinkie continued, "like this;

'Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea tray in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle-'"

Now the dormouse shook and started singing in its sleep, "Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle-" and went on so long that they had to pinch it to make it stop.

"Well, I hadn't even finished the first verse," Pinkie continued, "when that meany Queeny cries out 'She's murdering the time! Off with her head!'"

"Bit of an overreaction there I think," said Twilight.

"And ever since that," Pinkie continued, "he won't do a think I ask! It’s always six o'clock now."

Twilight got a funny feeling. "Is that the reason there’s so many tea things are out here?" she asked.

"Sure is!" Pinkie exclaimed. "It’s the eternal party! And it’s AWESOME!" she shouted, "apart from one teeny tiny problem. We don't have time to go and wash the plates and stuff so everything is getting a little bit icky."

"So you just keep moving around, I suppose?" Twilight asked.

"Exactly!" Pinkie said in agreement.

"But what happens when you come to the beginning again? And why isn't all the food going off?" Twilight asked suspiciously.

"Suppose we change the subject," the March Hare interrupted, denying Twilight her answers; "I'm getting tired of this. I vote the purple pony tells us a story."

"I'm afraid I don't know many stories off the top of my head. If I had my books I could tell you any number of stories."

"Still think you're Pinkie, huh?" Pinkie muttered darkly, before saying with the March Hare, "Then the Dormouse shall! Wake up Dormouse!" they shouted before pinching it on both sides.

The Dormouse slowly opened its eyes. "I wasn't asleep," it said in a hoarse, feeble voice; "I heard every word you were saying."

"Tell us a story!" said the March Hare.

Twilight said nothing but did pout slightly while rolling her eyes.

"And make it snappy," Pinkie said, "or you'll be asleep again before your fin-ished," she sang.

"Once upon a time there were three little sisters," the Dormouse began in a great hurry; "and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie; and they lived at the bottom of a well-"

"What did they live on?" asked Twilight who was in the mood to poke holes in this intricate plotline wherever she could.

"They lived on treacle," said the Dormouse, after thinking for a minute or two.

"That's impossible, apart from the lack of adequate nutrition and the exorbitant dental costs, they'd be ill practically all the time."

"And so they were," said the Dormouse, "very ill."

Twilight really didn't know what to make of this story. It had only just started and it was already annoying her with its blatant idiocy. "Why did they live at the bottom of the well?" she asked.

"Take some more tea," the March Hare said.

"I haven't had any tea at all yet," Twilight said, her eyes half lidded; "so I can hardly take more."

"You mean you can't take less," said Pinkie, "it’s like really easy to have more than nothing."

"Nobody asked for your opinion."

"Hah!" shouted Pinkie triumphantly, "Now who's being personal."

Twilight locked eyes with Pinkie as she used her magic to slowly butter a piece of bread and ate it, smiling on the inside as Pinkie started to sweat, trying to match her stare. Pinkie finally folded and blinked making Twilight smile in silent victory. Eventually she turned to the Dormouse and asked again, "Why did they live at the bottom of a well?"

The Dormouse took a minute to think and finally said, "It was a treacle well," which didn't answer Twilight's question at all.

"There is no such thing as a treacle well!" Twilight started angrily, but Pinkie and the hare went "Shh!" at her, allowing the Dormouse to sulkily remark "If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for yourself."

"Oh, I can be civil. I can be so very, very civil," Twilight said through gritted teeth. "Please go on, I won't interrupt you again. And for the sake of the story I will concede there may be one treacle well out there somewhere."

"One indeed!" said the Dormouse indignantly. However he consented to continue the story. "And so these three little sisters- they were learning to draw you know-"

"Draw what?" Twilight said with a huff, forgetting to not interrupt.

"Treacle," said the Dormouse without missing a beat.

"I want a clean cup," Pinkie declared; "let’s all move one place on."

Pinkie moved as she spoke, and the dormouse followed him; the march hare moved into the Dormouse’s' seat and Twilight reluctantly moved into the hares' seat. Pinkie was the only one who actually benefitted from this, and Twilight was worse off than before since the March Hare had spilled the milk jug in his plate.

Twilight sighed and waved her hoof irritably at the Dormouse. "So, where did they draw the treacle from?"

"Well duh! You can draw water out of a water well," said Pinkie, "So you can probably draw treacle out of a treacle well, hmm."

"But they were in the well!" shouted Twilight, exasperated.

"Of course they were," said the Dormouse matter-of-factly. "Well in."

"I-I...what!? Arrgh!" Twilight slammed her head on the table, covering herself with milk, not that she cared, and stayed that way as the dormouse continued the story.

"They were learning to draw," said the Dormouse with a yawn, as it was getting very sleepy; "and they drew all manner of things, everything that begins with an M-"

"Why with an M?" asked Twilight, her voice muffled since she still hadn't bothered to raise her head.

"Why not?" said the hare. Twilight said nothing although there was a sound that sounded a lot like teeth grinding.

The Dormouse had closed its eyes by this time and was going off into a doze, but, on being pinched by Pinkie, it woke up again with a little shriek and went on; "-that begins with an M, such as mouse-traps and the moon, and memory, and muchness - you know you say things are 'much of a muchness' - did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness!"

"Honestly, no. I have never heard of a 'much of a muchness', let alone seen a drawing of one and I really don't think-."

"Then you shouldn't talk," said Pinkie, interrupting her.

Twilight stood up abruptly, knocking over her chair. "Right! That is it! I'm outta here! See you around Pinkie, or Hatter, or whichever you prefer." She picked a direction and started walking, not even looking back when Pinkie called to her.

"I was only trying to be a good Mad Hatter! Twilight! Wait! Come back!" Twilight ignored her and kept walking. "It was only because I wasn't allowed to be me!" There was still no reaction from Twilight. "Aww shoot..." she muttered before scuffing the dirt with a hoof. “I'll see you later!" was the last thing she shouted before she went back to help the March Hare to shove the Dormouse into the teapot.

Twilight was silently seething in rage and muttering to herself as she trotted. "Of all the ponies to tell me to think before I speak it had to be Pinkie!? I don't think she's ever thought before speaking. This is lending some serious credence to the idea I might actually be me. Whatever the case, I'm not going there again."

As she trotted she saw a door set into the side of a tree. "Why not?" was all the reasoning she felt she needed right now to just open the door and go in. She found herself back in the hallway with the multiple doors and wasted no time in grabbing the key with her magic, opening the small door, and using the mushroom to shrink to a size she could use to fit through.

Her efforts were rewarded by her emergence into the garden she saw what seemed to be a lifetime ago. She sat amongst the flower beds and fountains and enjoyed the peace for a moment.

"Well, now what do I do?"

Author's Note:

The plot thickens...like well made gravy...