Alicorn in Wonderland

by The Hand of Pony

The lobster-quadrille

The Mock Turtle sighed deeply and drew the back of one massive fist across his eyes. He looked at Twilight and tried to speak, but, for minute or two, sobs choked his voice. "Oh for goodness sake, pull yourself together," said the Gryphon, before she set about kicking, punching, and cursing him. At last the Mock Turtle recovered his voice, and, with tears running down his cheeks, he went on again.

"You may not have lived much under the sea-" ("Course not. Do I look like a sea pony to you?" said Twilight) "-and perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster-" ("Sentience usually plays a part in these things, so, no.") "-so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster-Quadrille is!"

"Should I be thankful for that?" snarked Twilight before sighing. "What kind of dance is it?" she asked begrudgingly.

"First," said the Gryphon, "you form a line along the sea shore-"

"Two lines!" cried the Mock Turtle. "Seals, turtles, sea ponies, and so on-"

"Sea ponies are real!?" asked Twilight, shocked. The only response she got was to be smacked round the back of the head again by the Gryphon.

"-then," the Mock Turtle continued, "when you've cleared all the jelly-fish out of the way-"

"Which always takes agggeeesss..." moaned the Gryphon.

"Oh, so you can interrupt, but I can't?" Twilight said, earning herself another smack.

"-you advance twice-" the Mock Turtle continued, ignoring them.

"Each with a lobster as a partner," the Gryphon droned. Clearly she was not as enthused about this as the Mock Turtle was.

"Of course," the Mock Turtle said; "advance twice, set to partners-"

"-change lobsters, and retire in the same order," the Gryphon continued, idly twirling a claw in the sand.

"Then, you know, you throw the- uh...the-"

"The lobsters," the Gryphon sullenly reminded him.

"-as far out to sea as you can-"

"Swim after them."

"Turn a somersault in the sea!" cried the Mock Turtle, so loud it made Twilight's ears ring.

"Change lobsters again," said the Gryphon who was thankfully far more subdued.

"Back to land again, and, that's the first figure." said the Mock Turtle, suddenly dropping his voice back to its normal level of over loudness, instead of ear splitting loudness.

Both the Mock Turtle and the Gryphon looked to Twilight, the Mock Turtle looking sad, while the Gryphon maintained her carefully cultivated image of indifference.

"Well," said Twilight, with an awkward grin, "that sounded absolutely...fascinating. Yes, fascinating." The grin grew a little wider, and a little more awkward.

"Would you like to see a little of it?" asked the Mock Turtle.

"Oh, there's really no need to trouble yourself just for me..."

"Mock Turtle does not accept your answer!" the Mock Turtle shouted, shoving his face into Twilight's.

Twilight gulped. "Yes please," she said very quietly.

"Come, let's try the first figure!" the Mock Turtle said to the Gryphon, while sporting a triumphant grin. "Mock Turtle requires no lobsters for this part of the dance. Now, who shall sing?"

"You honestly expect me to sing?" said the Gryphon, raising an eyebrow. "It’s bad enough you expect me to dance, but to sing as well? As if!"

So they began solemnly dancing round and round Twilight, treading on her tail so often that she grabbed it and held it in her fore-hooves whilst giving the Gryphon some very dirty looks.

Waving their hands and claws to mark the time the Mock Turtle began to sing-

"Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail,
"There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail."
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle-will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?

"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"
But the snail replied "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance-
Said he thanked the whiting kindly but would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.

"What matters it how far we go?" his scaly friend replied.
There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.
The further off from Griffonia the nearer is to Prance-
Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?"

Twilight was pleasantly surprised by that. Not because the song was good, or the dancing decent, but because hearing a minotaur sing would be worth any admission fee.

"That was...interesting to say the least," she said at last, "and that was a very...interesting story about the snail and the whiting."

"Oh, as to the whiting," said the Mock Turtle, "they- you've seen them of course?"

"Yep," said Twilight, "I've seen them at ambassadorial dinn- I mean, yes, yes I have...seen...them, before, in places. Yep, good ole whiting." The grin she wore was making her cheeks ache.

"Mock Turtle is unsure where Ambassadorial Dinn is, but if you've seen them before then you know what they're like?"

"They’re like small fish, but I doubt they have their tails in their mouths and are covered in bread crumb in their natural state."

"You are correct about them lacking bread crumb," said the Mock Turtle, "but they do have their tails in their mouths, and the reason is-" here the Mock Turtle yawned an almighty yawn that Twilight swore would have stolen all the nearby air and suffocated her if he hadn't stopped and shut his eyes.

"Tell her about the reason and all that," the Mock Turtle said lazily gesturing at the Gryphon.

The Gryphon sighed irritably before answering. "The reason is," she said with a growl, "that they would go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails stuck in their mouths. So they couldn't get them out again. That's all.

"Why thank you. I now feel thoroughly educated about whiting now."

The Gryphon gave her a look. "Okay then miss smarty-pants, why is a whiting called a whiting?"

Twilight thought for a moment, rubbing her chin with a hoof. "I guess it could have something to do with their colouration."

"Wrong!" shouted the Gryphon in her face. "It’s because they do the boots and shoes."

"Boots and shoes? What does that even mean? Besides, how do you know about boots and shoes? I haven't met anyone here wearing either."

"Why, what are your pretty pony shoes done with?" asked the Gryphon. "I mean, what makes them so pretty and shiny?"

Twilight grinned. "Why, you jealous?" She then looked at her hooves. "Besides, I'm not even wearing shoes. I mean sure I do sometimes at royal functions, but the servants polish them. I suppose I do wear boots in the winter sometimes, and if I were to polish them I suppose I'd use blacking.

"Well," the Gryphon said in her usual sarcastic sneer, "under the sea, boots and shoes, are done with whiting. Now you know." she said before patting Twilight on the head.

"Just out of curiosity," Twilight said with a post head pat grimace, "what are shoes made out of under the sea? I'm especially curious since last I checked, nothing under the sea had feet."

"Soles and eels, duh!" the Gryphon replied in her typical manner. "Any shrimp could have told you that."

Twilight fell silent, mostly since she didn't know what to say, and partly because she had really had enough of these two now. The Mock Turtle and the Gryphon were staring at her expectantly so she decided to get the ball rolling again by saying the first thing that popped into her head.

"Sooo... How does a porpoise tread on a tail if it had no feet? I mean add to that the difference in size and it just seems kinda silly really. Actually what would a porpoise be doing with a whiting? Aren't they supposed to live in more tropical climes?"

The Mock Turtle looked at her coolly. "The whiting was obliged to have the porpoise with him," he said. "No wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise."

"Is that so?" said Twilight, who had a feeling about where this was going.

"Of course," said the Mock Turtle. "If a fish came before Mock Turtle and told me he was going on a journey, I would ask 'With what porpoise?'"

"So it was a pun. A-ha, a-ha ha. Funny." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Why can't no-one here say what they mean. It’s pretty bad when the most straight talking person I've met here is Discord."

The Mock Turtle looked offended by that. "Mock Turtle says what Mock Turtle means!" he shouted, jabbing a large, gnarled finger at Twilight. "I think it’s about time you told us your story, so that we can judge you."

"Well...ok, but I'm only going from this morning since there's no guarantee that anything I tell you about before that would actually be about me."

"Mock Turtle is confused and demands an explanation!"

"Nope!" the Gryphon shouted. "Explanations are boring and I don't want to hear it. The story's probably going to be boring enough as it is."

"Gee, thanks." She told them what had happened, starting with chasing the white rabbit down the hole, for which the Gryphon had called her an idiot, and Twilight really couldn't bring herself to argue with that. Thankfully, her listeners remained silent as she went on until she got to the part about repeating 'You are old,' to the Caterpillar, and it being a complete load of nonsense.

The Mock Turtle drew a long breath, and said "Mock Turtle is mystified by the curiosity of your tale."

The Gryphon, however was far less subtle and said "That was so dumb."

"The Mock Turtle would like you to repeat something else. For educational purposes of course. Tell her to begin."

The Gryphon rolled her eyes and said "Tis the voice of the sluggard. Chop chop."

Twilight sighed wearily before moving into a sitting position and beginning. Apparently all this talk of fish had stuck in her mind because the poem she said was definitely not what it was supposed to be.

"Tis the voice of the lobster;" I heard him declare
"You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair."
As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose
Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.

When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark,
And will talk in contemptuous tones of the shark;
But, when the tide rises and sharks are around,
His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.

The Gryphon sniggered, a lot. "A bit different to the way I remember it, but I like it."

"Well Mock Turtle has never heard it before, and it sounds like complete nonsense."

Twilight said nothing, but buried her head in her forelegs and wondered how much therapy she was going to need after all this.

"Mock Turtle wishes you to explain the poem to him."

"No way!" said the Gryphon quickly. "I want to hear the next verse.

"But about his toes?" the Mock Turtle persisted. "How could he turn them out with his nose?"

"The same way as the duck did with his eyelids," Twilight said from beneath her legs, sounding a bit dazed.

"Come on!" said the Gryphon impatiently. "Get on with the next verse. It begins 'I passed by his garden.'"

Twilight did as she was asked, wondering herself what rubbish she would spout.

"I passed by his garden, and marked, with one eye,
How the Owl and the Panther were sharing a pie;
The Panther took pie-crust, and gravy and meat,
While the Owl had the dish as its share of the treat.
When the pie was all finished, the Owl as a boon,
Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon;
While the Panther received knife and fork with a growl,
And concluded the banquet by-"

"What is the use of repeating all that stuff," the Mock Turtle interrupted, "if you don't explain it as you go? Mock Turtle is very confused!"

The Gryphon sighed. "I guess you better stop before Mr 'logic and reasoning,'" she said with finger quotes, "over there, blows a fuse." Twilight was all too happy to comply.

"Sooo...," said the Gryphon, "do you wanna try another figure of the Lobster-Quadrille? I mean, we'd only have to find some lobsters, whiting, snails, salmon, sea-ponies, seals, porpoises and so on, before clearing the jellyfish away. Wouldn't take that long... Or would you rather hear Mock Turtle sing another song?"

Another song? From the Mock Turtle? For free? Twilight jumped at the opportunity. "Another song! Yes! I choose that one!" She looked at the Gryphon and Mock Turtle sheepishly, "If that's, um, ok with, uh, you."

"Well, I thought my idea was ok..." grumbled the Gryphon to herself. "Oh well, how about a rendition of 'Turtle Soup,' Mock?"

The Mock Turtle cleared his throat, and, with a voice choked by tears, he began to sing-

"Beautiful soup, so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful soup!
Soup of the evening,beautiful soup!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Soo-oop of the e-e-evening,
Beautiful Beautiful Soup!"

"Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish,
Game, or any other dish?
Who would not give all else for two bit-worth only of beautiful soup?
Bit-worth only of beautiful soup?
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Soo-oop of the e-e-evening,
Beautiful Beauti-FUL SOUP!"

"Chorus again!" cried the Gryphon, and the Mock Turtle had just begun to repeat it, when a cry of "The trial's beginning!" was heard in the distance.

"Whoop!" cried the Gryphon. "Time for another execution! Come on!" she shouted before grabbing Twilight by the horn and dragging her off, without waiting for the end of the song.

"What trial is it?" Twilight hissed between gritted teeth; being dragged by the horn tended to hurt.

"Heck if I know! Hurry up!" was the Gryphons reply, before she ran even faster, while more and more faintly came, carried on the breeze that followed them, the melancholy words-

Soo-oop of the e-e-evening, Beautiful Beautiful Soup!"

Twilight had to admit, that minotaur could make the most rubbish song sound great.