MLP FIM is my favorite show and my top three favorite ponies are Twilight, Rainbow, and Pinkie Pie!
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When Twilight finds a book some advanced spells she can't resist but read it and try to perform them. Unfortunately the spell back fired and turned Twilight back into a filly. Having no memory of her adult life, can her friends find a cure for her? Or will she have to start life over again?
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Very good start. Also... Fluttershy saw her shacking and took her out of Apple Jack's hooves. Huh, didn't know you could shack.
Ironically I saw it on the front with 4 views and yet 5 likes.
It looks good, but I would suggest getting a proof-reader if you don't have one. Because... well, sentences can end up being like... this.
That section is a bit... wordy and it has a repetitive use of the word 'some'. Perhaps it could be reworded to:
I didn't fix that up as much as I would like - I don't know your thoughts, which prevented me from changing sentences such as:
Was she studying one book, or was she studying many books? Things like that - Just pointing it out. Nothing a proof-reader can't fix.
The sentence I crossed out seemed very odd, so I struck it out.
4945495
thanks for pointing that out.
sorry, i'll work on it. It's my first time writing after all. I'll make sure to work on my spelling.
4945315
yeah I saw that too. Kind of funny actually.
4945273
anyway, sorry, like I said i'm new to all this writing.
looks like I invented something new.
4947571
It is. XD
4949191
watch out equestria here comes Twily
oh but it is.
Oh Dear God Not Prankster Twilight.
I think, it has been awhile since I've read a Filly Twi Story, but nonetheless, I'm liking it so far... But I have to ask (I mean no offense
) If you already have a proof-reader, I know, first time writing is hard, but getting a proof-reader really helps, and also, people here is very helpful, Again I mean no offense, your story is going great and I'm waiting for more (I already follow it).
, Is the perfect combination, between books and Itching powder!!!, please tell me that there's going to be more Prankster Twi...
Also, I love Prankster Twi!!!
Celestia you troll. Tell her what's going on.
Not bad but it's very very rushed. You need to take more time with the characters to show their emotions. Also, the events are a little to practicle: "We need to send a letter! No, i already did it
" You could take the time to speak about such events and don't make them happen off-screen so to speak.
4952607
I'll try to. Thanks for pointing that out. I still need to get used to writing.
4951702
She is trollestia after. What would one expect?
I can't wait to see the next chapter! Common!
Updates?
It's a good story, but you really need to fix those errors that others have pointed out. Filly Twi is adorable as all Tartarus, though.
4971049
sorry about that, just fixed it.
5005796
good news! Next chapter is coming tomorrow about midday.
5055143
I will.
5056073 YAY but I won't be able to see it till Monday. I have no WiFi at home so I use my schools.
5058933
my parents took internet off for a week one time, I cracked and became insane to try and go anywhere that had internet.
I swear i turned to pinkaminia for a second.
I'm not proud of it.
well that's too bad.
Great story so far I can't wait till you "upload" the next chapter
. Also maybe you could try making the chapters a bit longer maybe try describing the pony's feelings or the environment they are in to make the reader more "attuned" to where they are and what's happening. Just a thought that might make this make story even better than it is
.
P.S. If you ever need a pre reader/ somepony-to-bounce-ideas-off pm me, I can be very creative at times.
good story. as for spelling you could use open office for spell checking. write it in there spell check it read it over once or twice
to make sure it sounds good in your head than copy and paste it on here.
5060632 Hey I would be proud of being pinkamena. But you lied its not up.
I was looking forward to it all weekend.
5071565
And I've actually been looking for a prereader.
I'll keep that in mind.
5072793
I feel so ashamed.
my computer broke. So....it's not really my fault.
blame technology.
I'm sowwy
Oh god. If discord joins in, it will be a disaster.
Cute.
LOL
LOVE IT hope to read more soon
5074918 thank u
5075034
Glad u like it
They're all dead
Anyways, I liked the chapter, Prankster Twi, is very fun thing to see.
I spoted some grammar mistakes, just a few, not anything serious, But I think you should correct them as soon as possible, just to make the story more legible (Just a suggestion).
Nevertheless, Keep Up The Good Job
KUTGJ
5075084 like it i LOVE IT
Great chapter cant wait for more
also I noticed this among other errors
Twilight can be a very troublesome little filly."
5075449
I'll make sure and fix that later.
5075086
Thank u and I'll try Fix the spelling.
5074753 Its fine. I know how computers work.(even if I use my tablet for this site only) At least now I can read it!
YOU BROKE A PINKIE PROMIS!!!
5150958
read my blog post
The first thing that popped into my head after reading this chapter was a sense of.....
Oh no.
Nice story! Although I can see this is your first story. But don't let that discourage you!
Here are the errors I found:
1. "studding." You probably meant studying.
2. "She decided to start with that one. She decided to try it"
Try to vary your language more, reading the same 2 times in a row confuses me at least.
3.This sentence. "She was about to fire the spell until The door suddenly opened and Spike came in and startling her."
First of all, the door shouldn't be capitalized. (obviously)
Secondly, I think "until" is used incorrect here. "When suddenly" would work better.
Thirdly, "startling" is the wrong tense in this situation. You are looking for "startled."
4. "she shot the spell the wrong direction"
Should be "She fired the spell in the wrong direction."
5. "She tried to hide from the magic blast that was bouncing around" and many more.
This isn't a grammar error, it's more of a bad style choice. You should try to Show, not Tell what is happening. This is actually really hard, but maybe you can consider it a long time goal.
6. shacking Shaking
7. i'll Correct use of a contraction, but you forgot to capitalize the I.
8. a single sign This just feels weird. Remove the "single" IMO.
9. "I don't get it she was right here!" Exclamations like these are often fragmented. Like this. "I don't get it! She was right there!"
10. "Are you sure Spike." Wrong punctuation, a question mark gives the desired effect.
11. AppleJack and FlutterShy Random capitalizing.
12. This.
"I'm pretty sure I wouldn't imagine Twilight blasting herself with a ray of magic. I know she was here. We have to look for her." Spike said.
Too many dots! They make the text feel bland, and as an author you don't want that. See this:
"I'm pretty sure I wouldn't imagine Twilight blasting herself with a ray of magic, said Spike. I know she was here; We have to look for her!"
The semicolon is optional though, that is just how I write.
13. "pocking" Poking
14. "...until she herd hooves."
Herd= Pack of animals.
Heard= Well, you know.
(I believe you already know this and just missed it though...)
15. "Sugercube" Why is it capitalized? The faulty spelling is OK if it's an attempt at AJ's accent. (which is hard!)
16. "...Pinkie Said." Random capitalization again.
17. "Yes I did." Said a voice behind them. I think you should replace that dot with a comma, check this out:
"Yes I did", said a voice behind them.
Flows much better, don't you think?
18. The most hilarious mistake ever.
"I just barley got out of there."
Barley= a crop.
Barely= the thing you meant.
Also, consider slowing down the tempo. Give your characters room to breath/react/develop.
Sorry for this wall of text, and hope you feel better soon!
There was some more errors here, but I skipped the most of them.
Something that's important though is this:
SHOW, NOT TELL
and try to use comma ( , ) instead of dot ( . ) at the end of a sentence in a dialogue. That will make it easier to read, and look less "clumsy".
Another tip is when a character has several lines in a row, put the "said X" after the first sentence. For example:
-Hello Johnny! said Eric. How are you doing?
-I'm fine thank you, what about you?
-Everything's well, but......
Also you can see that I only used one "said X", but it's still easy to see who says what. That is because I specified "Johnny" and "Eric" in the first sentence. Now everyone knows who's talking. (This can be much harder to pull off when there's more than 2 characters though...)
Aw yeah, I guess it's worth to mention that the "X said" construction you use sounds very formal IMO. I recommend "said X".
a good interesting idea but the exacution is... well lets just say it needs serious work and desperately needs a proof reader.
And now we get to see Luna meeting the adorable filly Twilight.
Anticipation abounds.
5206433
the fun has doubled!!