Luna is heading towards Twilights house so she can have some quiet time with Twilight on Nightmare Night. Her happiness grinds to a shrieking halt when she finds Twilight with Fretoseious, a deadly sickness with no cure. Twilight ask her not to tell her friends or Celestia about her condition because she doesn't want them to be depressed when she leaves. Luna is determined to look for a cure for Twilight, but as time ticks by she is forced to do something so drastic she will not only change her life but Twilight's as well.
This is going to be my first story I am going to do so leave a comment that is not to harsh. Plus, I now I'm a bad at spelling and grammar so a little less in that when you comment please.
Chapters (1)
well so the advice I've got is as follows, as just general information. Get an editor if you don't have one, even if you don't think you need one, get one. everyone needs someone else to edit and give second opinions. http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors would be happy to help. Add your story to any groups that it may apply to (at first guess, the Twiluna group, the Twilight Sparkle group, the Luna and Celestia group to just name a few), ummm, something about dialogue being its own new paragraph. I'm not an english major or editor...
As foir the story itself it seems interesting. You've got a direction, a conflict, secrets so I'm along for the ride. hope you continue to write!
good story I actually quite enjoyed it keep up the hard work
I can see the potential I'll read it once it's longer then one chapter, for now on the read later folder
Should have cut back on the Frito's, Twi.
Continue!
Good start, nice concept, really needs an editor.
... yea needs an editor, like what 4915187 said. anyway I'll see where this goes.
Thank you so mutch for your suport.
I really need an editor but I don't know how to do that kind of stuff. So any one with good editing skills, HELP!
As has been said, you will need someone to look this over and proof it, but some specific things you should know before you write another word:
1. Each paragraph should be dedicated to a single character and their actions. Sometimes you can get away with describing other characters' reactions within a single paragraph but never, ever have two characters speak in the same paragraph. Ever. This is non-negotiable.
Wrong:
Correct (paragraphwise):
Truthfully, the first paragraph should probably be split up a little more for the sake of impact, but this is just for readability.
2. Every section of dialogue must be separated from the sentence it is part of by punctuation. This punctuation should be a comma before it if it does not start the sentence and a period after it if it ends the sentence. If it does not end the sentence, then it should be a question mark, em-dash or other specialized punctuation if applicable or a comma otherwise. In the case of question marks, em-dashes or other specialized punctuation, you are to use the punctuation even if the external sentence is not completed, in which case you are to treat it as if it were a comma.
Incorrect:
Correct:
Note the added comma* before the quotation, the question mark at the end, and the single space after the question because it is being treated as if it were a comma.
* The comma should actually be a period, but that wasn't the point.
Learn these two things, and you'll be 90% of the way there, the rest is relatively small stuff—some misused homophones (Vary instead of very, haler instead of holler, etc), some uncapitalized "I"'s and the like.
4916287
Will read when I wake up. Just something I thought you should know. When you reply to someone in the comment section. If you don't click the >> tab on that comment. The person won't know you replied to them. The >> button is the reply tab and lets that person know you're talking to them in these sections.
Also 4916664 gave some amazing advice, one of the biggies my editors kept telling me when I started writing. Best of luck on your future fics, and I'll read this after I wake up. It'll be one of my first fics of the morning before I start my day. Hopefully the paragraphs will be indented and properly spaced and you'll have fixed the dialog problem that seems to be a major problem in this fic.
4916664 As a non-native writer myself, I want to thank you for this. It is one of the most helpful comments I've ever seen.
4916664
4917687
This. Also, don't post a chapter unless you're sure it's flawless (or at least you know you won't be able to do better). Reading youself over and over again, it's all it takes.
Never use "First" alone. ("First, then, finally" opposed to "first, ... , and".) I am not being accurate in my wording, I know that, I just don't see how to express it otherwise.
Due.
Use accurate vocabulary for accurate meaning. the more precise you get in your wording, the easier you are to understand.
Be careful with the capitalizations. And it would be "Twilight and her" instead of "Her and Twilight".
Be careful with tenses.
Once again, tense.
I won't do all the text, because I'm too lazy and because it's not something I would be able to do (frenchfag here). But you really shouldn't post a chapter unless you know it's as close to perfect as you can make it.
Still, I like and favorite because I'd love to see it proof-readed. Interesting story concept.
This story is in dire need of editing for spelling and grammar. Please don't post another chapter of this quality.
>>Radiant Dawn Right now you are the 100th person who commented on my mistakes and I understand that I need to make the next one better but I don't need any more of the same comments so I,m breaking the news I know have an editor.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW! 
4920391 I will be once the story is fixed. Until then, I will reserve judgement on the story.
I really like this story it has good feeling
Your story is really great so far especially the way you described Twilight it shows us how bad the illness is. I would love to see more chapters!
That's not even accounting for the atrocious sentence structure with it's vomit inducing grammar. This has to be a joke. I refuse you believe you wrote that and thought "Yes, that looks good! Just like I was taught in English class for 12+ years of my life!"
You have a terrible grasp of the English language. Did you perhaps fail English class on regular basis? You can't even make it passed the spelling/grammar hurdle. Show this to an English professor/teach and they'd keel over and die. Actual writing is far beyond you. What a joke.
>>Xeiros Ok so you are telling me that I have horrible spelling and grammar right? Well this is coming from you, a guy who hasn't put up a single story in 3 stinking years. At least I'm trying to do my best and learn from my mistakes. And I don't go saying "oh your terrible at everything." You try having every one make fun of you because you don't know how to write it's not fun bubby NOT FUN! SO CONSIDER YOURSELF BLOCKED!
4930328 Now calm down sir/madam.
I've seen this problem a lot, and just dealt with it a minute ago. Look, when people say things like that, the worst thing you can do is randomly point out their mistakes and use the caps lock button.
1. This is your story, not his, so it's not the place to point out things he did or didn't do with his work.
2. As the author, you should calmly deal with the situation with a level head. Ignore the caps lock button as much as possible, because it makes you look very unprofessional.
Okay, let's look at some of the things that could be changed with this rather unprofessional and rude comment.
1st sentence is fine, but I wouldn't have capitalized the "Right" because there's simply no point in doing so.
2nd sentence... was not relevant or needed. So what if he hasn't put up a story in 3 years? He's probably now too busy to even do all of that, and only sticks to reading in his spare time. It's called life, author. Or maybe he didn't want to. Either way, this has nothing to do with what he said or your story, and is meaningless and rude.
3rd sentence, he didn't say you were terrible at everything. All he said was that the quality was so low that it must be a joke. While it is rather rude, it's not like he's calling you an idiot or anything like that. By the way he worded it, it seemed like he thought you were capable of doing better and that you simply didn't put much effort into making this that great. Either that or you're just not good at English and possibly failed in it. But nothing too bad.
4th sentence, Everyone is making fun of you? Most of the comments here seem like they're just either giving their opinion in a sensible way, or giving you constructive criticism, like I'm doing now. Please point me to the comments where you were getting made fun of, and maybe I'll understand. Unless you mean actual people who aren't on the internet doing it. Then that sucks, and I'm sorry that people do that to you. I understand your pain.
5th sentence Turn the caps off please, and threatening to block him? Really? I could see if he was going over the top, but the reason you are doing that is petty. There's no need for all of that.
Now, let's see how I can fix this up eh?
"Ah, you're saying my grammar is bad? Well, yes by now I do realize that because lots of people have been commenting about it. Also, please don't disrespect me because of it either, because I'm still learning from my mistakes. I now have an editor and I'm working on bringing out better chapters."
Now doesn't that look a lot more professional? Try not to rage when people criticize. That's not good at all, and kind of makes you look bad.
Now as for the story...
I enjoyed it really. A little bit of fixing up and it's perfect! This story has a lot of potential, and I can't wait to see more. I hope this will be a long and enjoyable adventure for me to read!
I'm not going to mention anything about spelling/grammar/mistakes as it has already been said numerous times before. I like where this is going so far and hope to see more of it. My only suggestion would be to slow down a little bit, draw out the scenes more and be a tad bit more descriptive when talking about the settings and more importantly, the emotions of your characters. Hope to see more of this story soon.
4934261 they had every right to blow up on that idiot Xeiros who basically insulted them over and over all in 1 comment you try telling me you would stay calm and just take the verbal abuse laying down i know i wouldnt.
Now as for your comment real mature critiquing the comment. critique the story not the comment.
7082412 So what you're saying about my old comment is...
Yell at and attack your haters, because controlling your temper is unnecessary. The person said bad things, so how about we just be bad all we want. Two wrongs make a right.
Unless you believe differently. Please, explain why people shouldn't try to keep their cool while dealing with people who don't like something you made (Which is bound to happen) and have said something disrespectful (Again, it's life... Especially the internet. It's bound to happen). Explain why we should all rage at everyone who says a few nasty comments whilst not threatening or doing any real major offences over the internet. I want to know. I don't even care if it's a long, drawn out comment. I will honestly listen to every word of your opinion on the matter.
I think you should continue with the story to the end.
I've reread this several times and I don't understand what you meant to say. Is there a word or two missing?
Despite that hilarious mental image, I'm pretty sure this isn't what you meant to write.
Definitely continue the story, but get an editor. I'd offer to edit for you, but I'm far to inconsistent to be helpful.
This story was made in 2014 ... sad that it never was continued.
i think it's good so far and can't wait for the continuation