Demons are such single-minded creatures. Make a deal with one, and you might just get more than you bargained for. All Sombra wanted to do was save Luna, but the bargain has been made, the pact signed in blood, and in the end, it shall be completed no matter what.
Entry into the Equestria Daily Outside Insight Summer Contest.
Big thanks to my prereaders Soundslikeponies and Belligerent Sock along with my editors Malus Scriptor and Titanium Dragon for all their wonderful help!
Also a gift to my homie plumander, who is, like, totally awesome and stuff.
Chapters (1)
That cover art though
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*cough*Barata is a faggot*cough*
4857175 Nigger
That cover art is awesome :O
Will read soon :3
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Interesting take on Sombra's backstory, Bob.
Bob, you never fail to please. Bravo sir, bravo.
I was expecting darker. Instead I got world-building. Not bad, but not what I was thinking.
The first part was a bit meh, with the Dealer being a bit OP. But when Celestia and Luna had already defeated Discord, and Sombra's deal was all for naught, that's when it got good.
The fight scene didn't really hold my interest, but it wasn't horrible.
And when Sombra got the Dealer to spare Luna at the price of the Crystal Empire...damn. Turns out he wasn't so noble after all.
Pretty good job you did here, RainbowBob.
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Thanks a ton, brosif. I'll try to edge out the mistakes I made the first bit and work on my fight scenes more to make them more compelling. And at the end of the day, I still know one thing.
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OOh, nice story. This competition just got real.
In other news, apparently BK chicken fries are back.
Definitely one of the more interesting Sombra backstories I have seen, even going as far as giving some history behind the Alicorn Amulet as well (I always imagined that it was tied to him somehow).
Great work, Bob.
I...was expecting Luna to be a bit smarter than that. And if the Dealer is in the Alicorn Amulet, why doesn't Sombra wear it? Oh well, at least it was fun while it lasted. And I have a new dream now!
When I grow up, I want to be a demon!
This, this is good stuff, well done. ^.^
Alrighty, so... This was good.
Like, really good. I love how you gave sentient life to the actual amulet and all... It works really good.
Buuuuut... I have a bit of a concern.
I think you wrote it's personality far too much like you write Discord. And that kiiiiinda of broke the immersion for me a bit.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I could feel the heart-wrenching moment when he found out that they found another myth that is safe to use and defeated Discord with it. All of what he have done was for nothing.
Good story Bob, I especially liked the use of voice in this! I don't agree that the voice sounds too similar to Discord! Even though the 'twist' was based on show canon (how they defeated Discord) you made it feel surprisingly effective.
My only criticism would be the amount of bloody violence, lips melting off and all that. But that is more my issue for being a wimp! Hope to see more stuff in this vein!
Are you sure that isn't supposed to be impudent? Impotent seems counter-intuitive in context.
Dragged, I believe.
Good voice in short bursts, but it did get a little syrupy for the whole narrative. Really good tragedy, too, both in the setup and the twist. The execution of combining the two is missing something though.
6/10 Prompt use: Moderate.
Good luck!
-M
P.S. 7/10 is the highest I've given so far (Nightwalker and Cold in Gardez), but I'm told Bloomberg may change that.
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Thanks for pointing out some mistakes! And I'm glad I got the tragedy part down at least. I really worked hard towards setting it up like that, though this is a good lesson on how to make the narrative flow better (first half I felt kind of didn't work too well and I think I should have added more to the fight scene, but gah deadlines!
Oh, also, Bloomberg is quite good, and definitely one of my top picks, though I think Sylphidine won it for me, hands down. If you haven't I'd definitely give it a read.
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The tragedy train shall not end!
(Well, it might, but only in tears!
4866057 Well, I'm working my way through them as fast as I can. You'll be in tomorrow's post.
But yes, a really good tragedy is a rare thing to do well, so it is definitely appreciated.
If anything, you could probably have moved a few things from the mod-section into the early set up so that your voicing section helped carry the descriptive load. Not sure what you could move without giving it some thought, though. Pretty sure I ended up with some of the same pacing issues, so... *shrug*.
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After the contest I'll probably tweak it a bit and give it a good spit-shining once everything blows over. Once again, thanks for the comment, I'll try to improve myself in the future.
This is my one my fave RainbowBob stories now. I just adore stories about the daemonic.
I hope there's more to come even if it's a separate story. Also, I'd hate to be Luna in this version of events. She'd be so mad/confused/etc with Sombra. He trades his soul to defeat Discord/save her and then sacrifices the Crystal Empire to save her from "himself". Then if you otherwise stick to canon the EoH show up and blow him to bits. Based on what happened to NMM making it appear that Sombra was obliterated seems a little silly but I guess it would depend on how much of him was still there anyway. I do find it a bit odd that Luna doesn't appear to notice that something is seriously up (i.e really, really wrong), but I suppose reactionary anger to his behavior might excuse that
If you make a deal with a demon . . . You're gonna' have a bad time.
Well done. A good world-building / Tragedy story. (Haven't found a good tragedy here in a while.)
My only gripe is that your "Dealer" seems like an end all. Outside of that, I did indeed enjoy the story.
Is my shirt too big or is that my flesh crawling?
Honestly, how exactly did Sombra see that turning out well at all?! And, if both stories were legends/myths, if Sombra chose to go after that one, what exactly did that say about his personality (rather than believe the one about the Elements of Harmony anyway)? Also, if the demon was imprisoned in the amulet, then why does the amulet hold any power at all, seeing as how it is no longer 'occupied' and how exactly did it get in the curio shop (and subsequently, into Trixie's hooves) anyway?
Inquisitor M's Top 10
U iz on it (technically).
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
My blood is black...
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My blood is green...
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My blood is blue! (like my balls...)
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Demons are stupid.
Meh. The demon has far too many OP advantages.
I agree with others. He must face FAR more consequences for breaking a deal.
Even in classical myths, the demons would often be destroyed if they violated the deal, or else were utterly bound to the terms (even if they did manage to twist them a bit in their favor).
What would have been a glorious punishment would have been that at the attempt of breaking the deal, his soul is bound with Sombra's, resulting in the both of them reduced to a stark raving mad consciousness, inwardly despising itself as its two components are united in hatred of mortals and of each other.
Not to mention, this story assumes something that ramps the demon's power up to god-mode level: that even with the Crystal Heart he could kill Discord.
Remember, Discord couldn't even be destroyed by a full-on-blast by the fully-powered Elements of Harmony, THE MOST POWERFUL MAGICAL ARTIFACTS. The Crystal Heart was able to destroy Demon Sombra as well, who was beaten the first time by Celestia and Luna without even using the Elements.
This story requires quite a re-working and ret-coning to be plausible.
4857841 *Alondro waits for you to become a demon before slaying you* Otherwise it's too easy and boring!
*finally, you become a demon! And Alondro slays you in 10 seconds flat...* Oh woe is me, for I have all the powers!
5006980 I fail to see your point. [url=http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Search/Default.aspx?sort=rating-&type=%20[demon]||subtype=%20[demon]]Look at all I could become.
5008165 The point is, I am the most OP OC EVER!!!
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You've got a 'thing' for mind control, don't you? On the one hand, I loved the horror and desperation this story evoked. On the other, I will never forgive you for all the damage you keep doing to my princess. You're my friend, Bob, but I honestly hope that Luna fries your ass someday. You'll have it coming.
Happy Hearth's Warming, you magnificent yellow spongy bastard.
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Oh man this is amazing.
Yaaaaaaaaaay!
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It's not that great. I didn't "loosen up" until like halfway through, and then like way overacted and stumbled over my words in a couple places. But if I didn't do it in one take I wouldn't have been able to do it. Q~Q
Now where have I seen that cover picture before?
Interestingly enough, this was also posted on my birthday.
Really enjoyed this one. Nicely dark, ties in with canon well, and the demon was so deliciously evil. Have a fave, Bob!
Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?