After the rough years of defending Equestria from the great threats that promised dread amongst many ponies, Princess Twilight Sparkle, now a vampire with a rough background entrusts in her skills to defend her home, and those she loves from even the darkest hearts out there. Will she protect those precious to her? Keep her vigilant identity concealed? And will her status as being a vampony remain quiet from two trusted individuals; Spike the Dragon and an Blacksmith from another Dimension named Willomena Christine Pie AKA Weepy Cry?
With a dark secret and a mysterious cloaked figure keeping to the shadows, the peaceful life Twilight Sparkle wishes to live may just as well be nay impossible.
EDIT: Character tags will be added as the story progresses, so don't believe this story is only centering around Twilight and Weepy. And for future reference, Weepy Cry belongs to the tumblr blog The Elements of Discord.
Editor: TimeRarity64
I am a master at fast reading and understanding what went down. Hmm, what I will say is this can be a good start, though it seems a bit connected on two sides of writing.
Novel and Play.
Now, darling, anything with **** and certain actions put in the center of the * can be a bit off. However, it would make sense if it was spaced.
Example: *Roar*
The thunderous sound....
Boom, spaced! Though words with * on each side can be used for emphasis to cut off a sentence or paragraph.
Next is Scene changes. You surely know this, but you should take into mind symbols like these:
~~~~ or ----- beneath the paragraph are consider page breaks.
Now for scene changes and areas such as "Meanwhile in Canterlot" you should center that. You can highlight that and click the center option.
Out of everything darling, I see this being fresh and decent to read. Hope to see more chapters on ahead.
Okay. You need to work on three things: making sense, grammar and punctuation. What's that? You want proof. Whatever you wish:
Edit 1: Just outside the Evergreen forest
Edit 2: She took her hood off to reaveal her lavender coat and horn
Question: So the mare is suddenly scared of the bear?! She's acting all badass and now she's scared?!
This is only the beginning of all those errors. Have fun.
-Dusty
Let me be blunt and brutally honest. First, I did not read your story. The reason is that I have no idea what is going on and almost feel like I just read the story through your description alone.
The biggest turn off is your descriptions. Your short description and long description seem to talk about different stories entirely. In the short you have a story following the incident with Discord but in the long you have a vampire Twilight story with so much other stuff.
The second turn off is your title. I always dislike when writers say that the story is changing, still in progress, or things like that in the title. It makes it come across as unfinished and, as such, not worth reading. The potential reader asks, "Why should I read this when it's not even done yet?" Incomplete stories are one thing, but when your title is a work in progress, that is another.
Finally is the last line in your description.
Before you submit, just wait until you have had time to edit or for your laptop to charge. All this does is put your release time back a bit and really nothing more. If your time doesn't ease up, work a little bit at a time until your edits are done.
As I did not read your story, I will give your neither like nor dislike nor will I rate your story. However, this needed to be said. I wish you luck on your story and your future endeavors.
No problem for editing it darling, but I may re-redit it. Even momma tends to miss out on some stuff. -giggles- Nevertheless, I believe this story can go anywhere once you put yourself to make it.
oh plz dont let this be a twipie romance or what ever you call it
on another note
or
5077650 I'm still doing it. The second chapter should be up soon. I sent it to my editor and just waiting for it to get back.
5078182 cool
Sorry, darling, school has been badly in my way, but I still have your chapter saved in my storage and will make any possible free time with motivated ignition to edit it.
5117854 That's alright. I know how school can get in the way of things.
Someone needs to make art out of these battles, I would, if I had any skill in drawing at all.
Great to have this updated :)