Spike was sure that this had to be heartbreak. His life was cracking in front of him and he thought that he would never find love that was truely true. But he found out that if you look to the skies, anything can happen.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 3rd Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 27th, 2016
BewhoUr
I don't care if you're black, white, bisexual, straight, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich, or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that.
BewhoUr
Joined 3rd Aug, 2014 ·
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I like your story. I think you should continue.
4820885
thanks so much! I will :)
off to a good start, you should post another chapter
Yes go on
You should definitely continue. Might I suggest some alterations though?
This sentence construction might confuse some, since it almost looks like Rainbow is the one saying the first sentence. If you move the descriptive sentence to the side of Rainbow's line, it'd be much clearer who is speaking and when, e.g.
In this case it was pretty clear who was talking but other times it may not be.
Please, continue! I'll be watching
There's not really much of a story just yet, so you'll have to continue before I really get into this. So far, however, you've got multitudes of grammar mistakes, bad paragraphing and mis-capitalizations.
4822471, being his usual awesome self, has pointed out a few, but I've got a few more quarrels with the story.
For starters, Rarity. She says darling in every other line of dialogue. I understand that that might be a defining part of her speech for you, but it is certainly not the only thing she says. Rarity speaks with grace and poise. She has a few favorite endearing phrases, such as "simply" and "darling", but she usually uses these sparingly. She's awfully good at phrasing things in an agreeable way, and occasionally she'll use complex language to emphasize her point.
Regardless, you then go on to have Spike offer flowers to Applejack. I wasn't quite sure what the purpose of this scene was. You should probably clarify that in the writing itself. Is Spike just lonely and looking for someone to spend Hearts and Hooves Day with? That feels like a bit of a shallow reason to me.
EDIT: Never mind, just reread the introduction.
I failed to catch that one.
Regardless, you should have clarified Spike's intentions later in the chapter.
Then we have Rainbow Dash's scene. I'm sure no one is a stranger to my obsession with SpikeDash, but this honestly isn't much to go off. I'm going to have to reserve my judgements for the second chapter.
The whole story is so fast-paced, though! In just under 1.2k words, you have Spike buying flowers, preparing himself to ask Rarity, asking Rarity and subsequently being rejected, moping to himself, asking Applejack and subsequently being rejected, moping about Applejack, being greeted by Rainbow Dash, and finally Rainbow Dash asking if they want to hang out.
I wish you'd written something to show just how or why Spike and Rainbow Dash would get along so well. So far, all I really know is that Rainbow Dash wants to hang out with Spike, which is unusual because it's something that they never do in the show. If you'd written a little more about their interaction with each other, it would be very much welcomed. I hope to see this in the next chapter.
Finally, and to be honest my biggest quarrel with the story, your grammar and syntax is so messy. I implore you to get a proofreader and/or editor. You start off the story with a big wall of text that's not much fun to read. Really, it's just all paragraphed together, labeled "EXPOSITION", and I don't really like that at all.
Your capitalization probably bothered me the most. Sentences such as:
where the capital 'I' is obvious and yet absent really begs for a proofreader. You often don't capitalize proper nouns, like 'Spike' and 'Twilight', and yet to do capitalize common nouns, like 'pegasus'.
I hope all this helps.
Awesomeness
Names must ALWAYS be capitalised!! NO EXCEPTIONS! You're just capitalising them at the beginning of a sentence, UNACCEPTABLE!!
So seriously, names must always have a capital letter!
Rainbow Dash not rainbow dash
Spike not spike
Twilight Sparkle not twilight sparkle
Pinkie Pie not pinkie pie
Fluttershy not fluttershy
Applejack not applejack
Rarity not rarity
One of the basic rules of literature.
4828367
Sooo.... I don't really know.
I'm sorry, but i'm extremely confused now. I just got an opinion from vexy saying the exact opposite thing.
4828991
He said the exact same thing I did, just worded it differently.
Oh boy,,A set up for a "Cat" pony fight
4828991 4829062
Apologies for the confusion. When I said
I was referring to this specific piece of writing. In this story, you often did not capitalize proper nouns when you should have. Proper nouns must always be capitalized. Always. There is no exception.
Common nouns, such as pegasus (people often mistake pegasus for Pegasus, the mythical creature from Greek mythology, from which the former is derived), bowl, cup, spoon, etc. are not capitalized because they're... well... common.
I iterate this and more. This second chapter literally came out of nowhere, slapped me on the face, called me a whore and left me sobbing alone in bed at night.
This sudden burst of affection came from literally NOWHERE! The only way this scene could have been more contrived is if Rainbow Dash had flat-out pronounced her undying love for Spike:—"Spike, I love you, my little snugglemuffin! I've loved you since the day you were born! I've loved you since the first episode in which you were introduced!"
Okay, no. But she does actually say that she's liked him since she first met him... there's just two real big issues with that... how come she's never even hinted at these feelings until now, and what's suddenly triggered her to ask Spike out now? Those two questions are left completely unanswered by this story, floating around my head like lonely poems...
I'd like to see these questions addressed, certainly. I'd also like to see some actual conflict in this story. So far, all's been going great for our two protagonists. Not a single hurdle has come there way. I think that now's a good time for be to direct you to some useful links on how to write shipping. Bookplayer often writes incredibly insightful blogs on the matter, but I'm going to direct you to FamousLastWords' guides. His guides are much more robust, offering advice that is much more applicable to novice authors. The one to read is most certainly Cuddle Chemistry: How To Write A Good Romance.
Please give that a read. It should help you with your writing vastly.
Once you've given that a read, do give Bookplayer a checkout. She's awesome and writes very insightful blogs. My favorite one is most definitely The One Thing All Romances / Ship Fics Need To Have. There is more to a relationship than merely a relationship.
Finally, the only other advice I can offer is to read other romance stories and see how they execute romance. I see you have no favorites. Whether that is because you do not favorite stories or because you do not read, I know not. However, reading is critical for writing. How can one write well if one does not read well, hm?
Alas, I have no real links for that last one. Perhaps the SpikeDash Gold folder? I literally went through my favorites, looking for shipfics that stood out to me as both particularly well-written and relevant, but I've struggled. Kindred Spirits is a fantastic story, albeit an adventure... Perhaps Cynewulf's A Lady Does Everything With Feeling? I suppose that's a predisposed relationship...
Eh, your best bet is to just go out and search for reading material yourself. You know what you like to read, after all.
I'm going to stop typing now. I always do this. I ramble.
(Rambling's kinda cool...)
A bit rushed and grammar could use some work but it's a decent fic.
4833917
but I do understand the feeling about no conflict and the next chapter is called the quarrel XD so... I think you'll like it better. I do read alot, I just don't often favorite stories....
Thanks for the advice! that comment was pretty intense..
4834655
Thankesh!
4835274
>0 faves
As for the next chapter, I'll keep reading, don't worry, but you'll really want to think about why your characters are acting the way they are. After all, it is a little strange that Rainbow Dash is being so forward with these feelings for seemingly no reason. I'm interested to see why she's suddenly felt confident enough to ask Spike out this Hearts and Hooves Day.
4835298
Oh yeah and vexy? That video XD
_breaks the replay button_
Please use captils letters like Spike, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Rarity and Applejack
Oh yeah, i look forward for others chapthers!
I'm interested. Ill fave for now.
You now have my intrest, I shall continuo reading.
I have always liked Spike & Rainbow Dash pairing.
4910334
4854721
4855297
Thankies! I'm aiming for getting the third chapter out when I get done with another fic I'm working on called "falling so quickly"
I'm glad you all like it!