- Member Since 13th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Jun 12th, 2023
Yoni
Some men just want to watch the world burn. Me? I'll be standing at a safe distance with a marshmallow on a stick
Yoni
Joined 13th Feb, 2014 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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Yoni · 11k words · 485 43 · 7.2k views
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I need moar!!!!k
Having a threesome with Derpy and dinky?
4676665
Let's make it a fivesome heh heh If you know what I mean.....
Nice story ........ and to the one who suggested it ...... Derpy and Dinky REALLY? Dude that's seriously sick.
4677172 I used the Dinky tag becasue she had some mild appearance in the story, not becasue I planned to make clop with her. I'm not trusting in my skills enough to write foalcon
THIS CALLS FOR A SEQUEL
4677185 Maybe if the demand is high enough
Like this comment if you want a sequal
um....The feel...
Dat cover art... derpy...!!!
I wouldn't mind a chapter with a pregnant Derpy getting some attention.
Achievement unlocked, Love Derpy,
Unlocked Awesome mail truck
c1.staticflickr.com/7/6016/5949020326_6cb6d4c9e4_z.jpg
You know, just last night I was thinking there isn't enough romantic Derpy clop. Thank you for for helping to rectify that.
I demand a sequel!
Sequel. Definitely needs a sequel.
also an editor would be a good idea.
Pretty good. There's quite a few small errors though, but I overlooked them.
was i the only one who tought this was a dungeons and dragons crossover because of the title?
4677175 actually your better off not doing foalcon *shudders* its better not to even venture down that dark road
I love it. I giggled at the blueberry taste part.
Couple of small quibbles regarding grammar, but the overall story was very good.
Oh please write more...will the foal be satyr-like, or would she/he be full-pony?
crash
pretty good, though towards the end the dialogue gets a little trashy romance novel cheesy, but overall I enjoyed it
4683443 I never planned to write a sequal when I published the story so I can't say what's the child is like. I'm still toying with the idea of a sequal, though
Oh my, what a tease.
I knew it! I knew I recognized you and that reference! Dude! What is up!
fucking lord i love derpy romance stories
oh you focking tease....u WOT M8?
4685562 Good, good. I'm glad you noticed my reference. Am I to assume that the story was to your liking?
4678146 man that is one badass mailtruck
Very nice chapter, but there are a few things you may want to edit. First, there are a few times you forget to capitalize a name.
And lastly, there is one part where you wrote "then" when I think you meant "than", but even then, the sentence seems off and I think the "then" should be deleted.
In Equestria, all species are compatible. Well, in most AUs anyway. I will now be reading the sequel.
I wish I was really badass enough to tackle a manticore.
waaaaaaaaaaaa i love it my friend
33.media.tumblr.com/ea3723a6e42d7f5b394c828091b1a525/tumblr_mqcwoy4YRd1qe8a0fo1_500.gif
Hmm... I'm conflicted here. On one hand, kudos for writing a fic featuring Derpy. On the other hand, I really struggled to finish reading this.
There an incredible amount of "tell" and not "show". All the characters feel like they are executing commands, "<Name> moves to spot X, does task Y, jumps through hoop H."
Prime example:
The color of the T-shirt nor any of the actions in this sentence have any particular significance in the rest of the story and could been easily summarized with a "got dressed and went to the kitchen" (or downstairs). Either way, it's there and feels very rote.
FimFic has a pretty nice writing guide that has a section on show and tell: https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Show-versus-tell
I get that this is supposed to be a joke because he is badmouthing Celestia and her Sun, but it defies all means of reasonably explaining how this actually happens and is promptly dismissed. A way you could have kept the joke without making it like Celestia just happened to hear him and got pissed off, would have been to have the sun happen to pass through some item either inside or outside that magnified the heat at that particular moment. You could still give the reader the perception that it was Celestia, but then reveal that it was some mundane thing and uncanny timing that lined up the effect and the character could breathe a sigh of relieve that they didn't actually catch the ear of goddess.
This felt incredibly hostile towards Derpy and didn't match the level of gentle concern he had before. Things that could have been mentioned here to rationalize this ratcheting up of the tension could have been for anon to monologue internally, She did this every time she cried. Her heart was breaking on the inside, but time and again she desperately tried to cover it up. Each time failing to conceal the pain, which only stoked my desire to try and get answers.
With a character like Derpy, you have so many opportunities to draw out "the feels", but it is squandered on copious amounts of "tell" and not "show". In that one moment where Derpy hesitates to tell Anon what happened, you can stir up a wellspring of emotions. "Does Derpy not trust me?", "I thought were were closer than that...", the list goes on. Instead it feels like he rages and the story just gives him what he wants.
That must hurt.
... and holy shit it's 8am... time to sleep for a bit. -_-
It Has potential though and I'm sorry to complain there are misspelled words missing words and the progression is improvements could be made and I would love to see it
perfect story, cool reasons on why anything happens in the story, just.... amazing.
Don't dis my sun...human
Okay this was a pretty decent story.
That being said a lot of other people have said that do you get something different, some suggestions for your next story. Take this well, I think you are good and I want you to get better.
First is to keep "you" fairly ambiguous in Sec9nd Person stories. Both the detail of "me" being an orphan and having one less eye did nothing to the overall story. There is no difference if I was rich or poor since it obvioisly doesn't reflect how much money I have now. The eye thing could have easily been a slash on the arm and Derpy saving me from blood loss. I feel like you tossed that in to make your story seem more "unique".
I also see the trend of "oh I love you love" "I love you too we have the loveliest love that has ever loved a love". That is fine for general fluff fics like this but there is really one problem with that: people who are falling in love or are in love don't talk like that. It is very "high school romance" and not what adults would do.
A date would be more appropriate since it shows that I want tonactually take time out of my life to be with Derpy. As a single mother Derpy would consider a night off to be a bigger treat than jewelry. Have a good dinner, talk a bit and confess that you wish you had done this sooner, she would agree and you two do the comfortable silence as you eat. Then you get home and stick that D in the V.
Granted I am only commenting on this chapter I haven't read the "bonus" one yet.
So in all, good job. You have room to grow and I'll see what else you can write.
5491164
I get the feeling that the joke literally was that he got flicked by the sun goddess for being a whiny brat. It's not uncommon in fantasy that a deity has enhanced knowledge/sensory perception of their deific portfolio or realm of control. In which case it's not impossible that in this writer's story anyone talking about the sun is being passively picked up on by Celestia.
6897989
That's partially why I started with, "I get that this is supposed to be a joke." I didn't want to dive too deep into it and simply offered an alternative scenario.
Though problem I had was that it was a throwaway moment that altered the known canon of an existing character. From what we know of Celestia, she can only control the movement of the sun (besides the normal usage of magic). If you are going expand on a character's abilities, it should have something accompany it that makes it feel like it fits, or else it just feels awkward and out of place. In addition, a brief scene change to Celestia giggling would have been a nice touch to help bridge the awkward gap instead of it feeling like some distant ghostly form of Celestia was toying with him.
"Your rather… exceptional physique " Hell yes!! Let a big guy get some!!!!
Well, it was going fairly well until the confession scene. After that, I could practically predict everything that happened and speed read the rest of it until I got bored. Normally, I think a love scene is a great addition to a story like this... but you execution of the confession and her litterally going right for his dick after kissing him and everything (what little there was) before, just, urgh! You could have done better here had you not rushed it and went into cheesy dialogue and cheap sex. Sorry, but I'm not sorry to say that I think you could at least try to do better.
I liked this story, good job!
8476620
thanks mate!
5016763
wait there's a sequel
9299964
yarp: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/203893/half-pony-half-human-the-perfect-daughter
9300966
thanks