Grenazers
Joined 25th May, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Any comment.
...But seriously. This isn't anything terrible, but it doesn't leave much of an impact either. It feels more like a loose scene from a larger story than a stand-alone work; mainly because you establish a conflict that you don't resolve, which leaves us wondering what sort of signficance this talk had to Applejack's situation. (If any.)
Other than that, you split your paragraphs too often. Don't worry about long paragraphs, you only need to start a new one if the scene takes a new turn or while characters take turns speaking. You also write in past tense but sometimes shift over to present tense, try to stick to one. Also, you have some issues with Purple Unicorn Syndrome - you don't need to describe Applejack and Rarity, we know who they are and what they look like. Just use their names unless you really feel you can't.
Over-all the execution is passable, but there just isn't enough story to make it very worthwhile.
I'd have to admit, at first I thought Applejack came to ask Rarity for that other Talk - the one with the birds and the bees. Absurd, but potentially hilarious.
Still, this was sweet. AJ having a very relevant issue to think about, and turning to her friend for advice. Nice work. Textbook Slice of Life material, really.
I loved it great idea!
4636863
The reason why I split the paragraph a lot is because I don't want my story to feel too encumbered. However, I will take your advice on not doing it too often.
Also I didn't resolve the conflict because I feel that it should be left to interpretation. Some people might share the same problem as Applejack, but that doesn't mean they all get the same resolution. It's basically a no clear ending that leads to many different endings.
4638000
I agree with you on the point of the ending. However, you could have actually used the whole RD/Big Mac device as the opening for the story.
You would loose a bit of mystery and there wouldn't be a big reveal later on, but the viewers could start relating to the main character early on in the story. That alone would glue viewers to the screen.
All in all, I thought it was a wonderful story, even though it was presented in a strange way.
4636863
Damn it I was going to be a smartass and do that.
Story overall: Good, but I don't know what it's missing.
Minor edits
Do I choose the farm or the my special pony?
“Well no, why fo you ask?”
4638000
Eh, personally I'm not very fond of stories that leave everything up to the reader's enterpretation. I just don't think it should be their job to finish the author's story. Oh well.