The best party ever

by ed2481

Down time and Blackjack

Downtime and Blackjack

The battle stopped, the man was wearing an odd flowing robe and he was scratching his chin with an amused look on his face.

“Why Haskill I believe they know me.” The man said in his Irish accent.

“Yes sir, if I may make a suggestion I believe that we may want to find Miss Pie.” Haskill replied.

“That is an excellent idea Haskill, do I pay you? Because I think you deserve more of whatever it is I pay you in.” The man asked his assistant.

“Sir if you gave me any more cheese I could make a castle out of it.” Haskill replied with a groan.

“That my friend is a great idea; in fact I can’t believe that I never thought of that!” The man told Haskill excitedly, Haskill facepalmed deeply.

“My lord we should get moving so that we can regain control of your reality.” Haskill told the man. Suddenly a Nazi stepped out of the background and opened fire with a MP 40. The man threw back his head and let out a long laugh before he winked at the Nazi who was staring at him wide eyed. Then the Nazi shot up into the air screaming, and then he continued screaming till he rebounded off of Mecha Hitler.

“The silly man thought he could hurt me Haskill.” The man told his servant.

“Yes sir I saw.” Haskill replied deadpanly.

“Soooo Haskill what were we talking about?” The man asked, Haskill sighed.

“I was sugge-” Haskill began before he was interrupted by a pink ball of energy.

“Sheogorath you have no idea how happy I am to see you!” Pinkie said before she pulled the daedric prince of madness into a hug.

“Pinkie Pie! Would you care for some cheese?” Sheogorath asked her materializing a large piece of cheddar cheese into existence and offering it Pinkie. “Come on take it, I’d hate to have to rip out your intestines and strangle you with them!” Sheogorath told Pinkie who giggled and snapped up the cheese in one bite.

“Sheogorath you’re always so funny.” Pinkie said with another giggle.

“You do know that I’m serious right?” He asked the pink pony who nodded.

“The way I see it Sheogorath if you did that then you’d be out the best party planner anywhere, no offense Haskill.” Pinkie said turning to the servant who shrugged.

“None taken Miss Pinkie, you certainly surpass my abilities when it comes to things like parties.”

“You do make a good point, so I see you’ve been making good use of this little castle I made for you.” Sheogorath said as they walked blithely across the battlefield. The occasional orc or heartless would jump out at them but Sheogorath dispatched them in the same way as the Nazi, needless to say Mecha Hitler’s body was now covered in gore.

“Oh yes the castle has been quite helpful keeping us alive.” Pinkie replied “Although I’d like to know how you got in here, the gods who locked us in here were convinced that it would be impossible to get in or out of?” Pinkie asked the lord of madness who shrugged.

“Pinkie this is my personal pleasure dimension I can do whatever I want here.” Sheogorath said with another shrug.

***

Twilight and Luna were standing back to back all around them was a seething pit of orcs, Nazis, splicers, vampires, and a few raiders.

“Luna I really don’t want to die!” Twilight yelled over the background noise.

“Twilight if we don’t make it I want you to know that I love you more than anypony I’ve ever loved before, even more then Starswirl!” Luna shouted back.

“You loved Starswirl the Bearded?!” Twilight shouted, her surprise temporarily overriding her sense of doom.

“Yes he was a brilliant pony.” Luna replied as she plunged her sword into an orcs head.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you had sex with one of my idols?” Twilight shouted shooting a wave of force straight a Nazi’s face sending his skull flying off.

“Because I didn’t think to tell you, by Faust there are way too many of these guys we can’t keep this up!” Luna yelled changing topic.

“What happened to Littlepip?” Twilight called.

“She said something about finding help, someone called Security.” Luna replied ducking underneath a sword stroke.
A gleaming metal pony wearing gray armor suddenly fell out of the sky and landed next to Luna and Twilight, in her hoof was a bottle of Wild Pegasus. A large grin was plastered over her face.

“Did somepony call me?” She asked with a slightly drunken chuckle.

“Why is she drunk now?” Twilight asked.

“Because she’s at her best when she’s drunk!” Littlepip called as she jumped through the crowd.

“So who’s first?” The robopony asked the crowd as she brandished an extremely sharp looking sword in her magic. An orc volunteered and charged her to Twilight’s surprise the pony began to sing.

How lucky can one mare be?

I kissed her and she kissed me

Like a fella once said,

Ain’t that a kick in the head?

As she sang the robopony met the orc’s sword with her own before she broke off and stabbed the orc in the crotch. Twilight winced in sympathy as the orc tumbled to the side, Littlepip grinned. The group began hoard began to back away, but then a particularly brave Nazi stepped forward with his MP40 raised.

The room was completely black

I hugged her and she hugged back.

Like the sailor said, quote,

"Ain't that a hole in the boat?"

The robopony sang as the bullets ricocheted off of her metal skin. She pulled out a pair of revolvers and leveled them at the Nazi before pulling the triggers. One bullet slammed into his chest while the other bullet slammed into his head.

My head keeps spinning;

I go to sleep and keep grinning;

If this is just the beginning,

My life's gonna be beautiful.

A pair of splicers charged the pony as she sang but the pony’s voice didn’t stumble. She ducked under a bolt of lightning that shot out of one of the splicer’s arms and stabbed him in the crotch before sending him flying with a buck to the aforementioned crotch. He impacted against Mecha Hitler, who was quite confused at this point, with a wet crunch. The other splicer charged but was interrupted halfway by the large hole that appeared in his chest, the robopony blew the barrel of her shotgun with the drunken grin still firmly in place.

I've sun- shine enough to spread;

It's like the fella said,

"Tell me quick

Ain't love like a kick in the head?"

As she finished the verse her shotgun went off twice sending two more Nazis flying out of view. The rest of the hoard around us exchanged glances and then fled in absolute horror from the drunken robot pony.

“Thanks Blackjack!” Littlepip told the robopony who bowed drunkenly.

“Anytime Littlepip so who’re your friends?” Blackjack asked looking at Luna and Twilight. Suddenly she pulled out her pistol and leveled it at Luna “Tell me about Goldenblood!” She yelled.

“Blackjack they’re not from our world!” Littlepip shouted, the robopony broke into a smile.

“I know, but it was still worth a try right?” She said slurring her words slightly. Littlepip rolled her eyes and Luna lowered her sword. Suddenly from above a blue pegasus appeared.

“Blackjack we need to talk.” The pegasus told Blackjack, her voice was full of barely contained anger.

“Oh hey there Glory I was just talking to Little- wait Glory what are you doing here?” Blackjack asked the drunkenness disappearing.

“Oh you know, I just came here to talk to you about how you-” she began but Littlepip grabbed Luna and Twilight away before they could hear the conversation.

“Lover’s quarrel, and trust me you don’t want to be anywhere near it.” Littlepip explained.

“But we haven’t even seen each other in canon yet!” Blackjack yelled.

“I DON’T CARE!” Glory’s voice yelled.

“Yeash we’d better get inside.” Littlepip told Twilight and Luna before shoving them through the door. The door led into the main hall which was refreshingly clear of dead bodies. “Now where did Homage go?” Littlepip asked herself before she wandered away.

“Well that was fun.” Twilight said sarcastically.

“I thought so.” Luna replied with a grin. Twilight was going to reply when Luna was suddenly lifted up in a hug by the man who had ripped a hole in the sky earlier.

“Luna It’s been too long, would you like some cheese?!” The man asked setting Luna on the ground and offering her a piece of monetary jack.

“Of course Lord Sheogorath.” Luna said with a bow before grabbing the cheese in her magic and taking a bite.

“What about you little one would you like some cheese?” Sheogorath asked Twilight.

“No thanks I don’t really like cheese.” Twilight replied with a shrug, a sudden hush fell over the room and all eyes turned to the lord of madness. Sheogorath threw back his head and laughed.

“To those who don’t like cheese not having cheese is as good as having it!” Everybody sighed with relief and went back to what they were doing. “Anyways Pinkie you were saying something important I recall?” Sheogorath asked turning to Pinkie.

“Right well we need to come up with an offensive plan we can’t just stay bottled up in here forever, well technically we can thanks to that gardener and his zombie fighting plants, but I’d rather avoid having to do that especially because they’re all technically alive.” Pinkie replied with a shrug.

“Ah yes a battle plan I’m good at those, hmm do we have any adventurers around?” Sheogorath asked looking around the main hall.

“Yes many, actually too many, but I don’t know how to field them effectively, or I don’t think I do I mean I’ve been working but I can’t find any way out of this noose that the meanies have tied around our necks.” Pinkie replied in frustration.

“We’ll come up with something clever, and it might be before never, but it’ll certainly be before forever.” Sheogorath replied with a wide grin as he led Pinkie away.

“I’ve got a bad feeling that this won’t end well.” Twilight intoned. “So Luna want to grab something to eat?” She asked the alicorn changing topics quickly.

“Sorry Twilight I have a few things that I need to attend to but you can go ahead.” Luna replied.

“What are you attending to?” Twilight asked anxiously.

“Royal duties, also I need to talk to a few old friends of mine. Trust me you won’t understand most of what we’re talking about and I know how much it frustrates you not to know what’s going on so don’t bother.” Luna replied with a grin before she teleported away in a flash of blue light.

“She’s probably going to drink with a few of the minor deities, leave her be for now.” An unexpected voice from behind her said. Twilight jumped in surprise and turned to see an unknown man standing behind her. He was extremely muscular and wore what looked like a bronze breastplate. His hair was red and fell into his blue eyes, Twilight didn’t know why but she trusted the man immensely.

“Hi I’m Twilight Sparkle.” Twilight said extending her hoof; the man shook it in a gentle grip.

“I’m Hercules son of Zeus, but you can call me Herc. So are you still hungry?” Herc asked with a wide grin. The demigod turned towards the dining hall and made an after you gesture. Twilight nodded and took the lead.

“So Herc, how’d you get caught up in this mess?” Twilight asked as they walked down the hall.

“Oh the usual, I was fighting a monster, that monster was working with the gods who sealed us in here and came running when they called and I got carried over along with it.” Herc replied with a shrug of his massive shoulders. “How about you?” He asked looking down at Twilight.

“Well Luna and I came to watch the games with my fre- Wait I haven’t seen my friends since I got to this castle!” Twilight cried in shock.

“Don’t worry I’m sure they’re fine, I’ve run into some very strong versions of you, and I’m sure your friends are just as tough as their doubles.” Herc told her with another shrug.

“Yes but what if they’re worried that I abandoned them?” Twilight asked in concern.

“It might just be because of where I’m from, but I kind of doubt that you have to worry about that.” Herc replied as he pushed the doors to the cafeteria open.
The cafeteria was full of people, things, aliens, mutants, ponies, robots, AI, mutant robot aliens, and talking cows. Twilight had learned the hard way that the cows only talked so that they could help the patrons choose what part of their body to eat. What surprised Twilight was the fact that she spotted Rainbow Dash sitting at a table with a few other pegasi, all of whom were bigger then her.

“Twilight!” Dash shouted flying over and embracing her in a hug. “Geez, where have you been?” Dash asked after a few seconds of hugging.

“Dash I’m so sorry for abandoning you and going on a killing spree with Luna please forgive me!” Twilight begged.

“Twi, are you feeling okay you usually aren’t this dramatic, I mean I know people here it’s not like you abandoned me?” Dash asked looking at Twilight in concern.

“Oh, right… I feel stupid…” Twilight replied.

“So who’s your friend?” Dash asked looking up at Herc.

“Call me Herc.” Hercules told her with a smile.

“Oh you’re Pegasus’s friend aren’t you?” Dash asked gesturing towards the table she’d been sitting at where a large white blue maned pegasus sat.

“Yep that’s me.” Herc replied “Well I’ll leave you to catch up with your friends, if you need me I’ll be sitting at the table with the lion and the big harry guy.” He told Twilight before waving and walking away.

“Come on Twilight I’ll introduce you to my friends.” Dash told Twilight as she guided the unicorn towards the table of pegasi, well two out of the three were pegasi the third’s front half was mostly bird. “Twilight these are my bros, Pegasus, Blackjack, and Buckbeak the hippogriff.” Dash said gesturing first towards the white pegasus, then towards the mostly black one, and finally at the bird pony.

“Hi I’m Twilight.” Twilight said extending her hoof.

“Sup dude, so you’re Twilight Dash has told us a lot about you bro and I’m happy to finally meet you!” Pegasus said giving her hoof a firm shake.

“Yeah it’s awesome to meet you Twilight Dash never shuts up about you!” Blackjack agreed with a smile.

“Forgive my friends here, they are rather crude.” Buckbeak told Twilight in a Trottingham accent with a shake of his feathered head. “Why don’t you sit down and talk to us for a while, I’m sure that It’ll be more intriguing then what the others have to talk about?” Buckbeak asked while he offered Twilight a seat next to him.

“Thank you I think I will.” Twilight replied with a smile.

***

Blackjack the robopony slammed into Mecha Hitler’s body, she’d been sent flying by a blast that may or may not have been a gift from Persuasion. Honestly she wasn’t positive, P21 probably wouldn’t have wasted the ammo but you never knew when your name was Blackjack her friends had a habit of shooting her.

“Sorry about that thanks for catching me.” Blackjack told Mecha Hitler who stared at her for a few second, and then he began to shout at her.

“Nein! Ich werde nicht mehr akzeptieren diesen Missbrauch, ich bin kein Witz! Mein Name ist Adolf Hitler, ich Kommandeur der Armeen von Deutschland, ich die Hälfte der Erde erobert, kehrte ich von den Toten in einen Roboter Körper! Ich bin unbesieg-” The robotic dictator yelled at Blackjack.

“That’s cool, well I’ve got to get going see you later.” Blackjack said interrupting Mecha Hitler in the middle of his rant. The dictator turned his arm cannon at her and Blackjack stuck the barrel in her mouth for a few seconds before taking a bite out of it. “Thanks for the snack.” She told Mecha Hitler before calmly striding away through the sea of chaos.

“Verwechseln Sie diese Ponys!” Mecha Hitler shouted looking down at his now broken cannon.

***

“…and that is how Harry defeated Lord Voldemort.” Buckbeak finished with a grin. Twilight sat there for a minute stunned by the tale. Snape killed Dumbledore! Harry died and then came back to life! Neville got to use the sword of Gryffindor and mocked Voldemort! Ron and Hermione got married! On second thought only the second one really meant anything to her… “It really was an exhilarating day; I got to slash giants’ eyes out with my claws.” Buckbeak added with an avian smile.

“Dude that’s nothing compared to when Boss and I took on the Titans!” Blackjack said loudly.

“Well then let us allow Twilight to judge your story and then she’ll tell us whose story is better.” Buckbeak replied before he took a sip of his wineglass and turned to Twilight.

“I can do that I guess; I love stories.” Twilight replied with a soft smile.

“Alright, it was the best of times, you know man, the kind of times that you want to tell all your friends about. But then things got all hanis and I got captured. But then Boss being the Boss he is rescued me and some of my bros…!”

***

“So what are we going to do Shaggy?” Pinkie asked the lord of madness, she called him Shaggy while no one was around.

“Well Pinkie I’m actually trying to do the fishstick right now.” Sheogorath replied placing his hand on his chin and rubbing thoughtfully. After a few minutes of stroking he turned to Pinkie with a smile on his face. “I’ve just gotten a grand idea; we should launch an invasion on boats made of cheese!” He told her with a large smile.

“Shaggy I don’t think that’ll work.” Pinkie said worriedly.

“Oh of course it won’t, but it’ll be a distraction. Can you imagine waking up to see an armada of cheese ships in the water in front of you?” He asked her with a maniacal grin.

“Shaggy…” Pinkie said narrowing her eyes slightly. Sheogorath blew out a breath of steam which transformed into an image of a giant octopus or squid.

“We could release this beasty, I’ve always wanted to do it.” Sheogorath told her with a grin.

“Actually Shaggy I think we could release the kraken, but first we have to come up with a plan.” Pinkie told him firmly, she found herself once again being the voice of reason; it was becoming a disturbing trend for her.

“All right I’ve got it…”

***

“Hit me!” Luna cried, Discord grinned and passed her another card. A ten, that was all Luna needed. “Blackjack!” she shouted slamming her cards onto the table.

“Hrmph.” Discord said before he passed her her winnings.

“Lulu when did you become so good at gambling?” Celestia asked curiously, she’d had no luck whatsoever all night, although that could be because she was sitting next to a friendly version of Nightmare Moon.

“When you spend a thousand years on the moon you find something to do with your time unless you want to go insane Tia, now Poseidon are you going to hit or not because I want to go again?” Luna asked the sea god.

“Hit me.” The god of the sea replied and grinned as he got a card that he was looking for. “I’m good.” He told Discord moving the god of chaos onto the next player.

“Hmm, hit me.” Martin Septim said with a draconic smile. Discord set a card down and Martin took it up in a talon before throwing down his cards and cursing. “By the other eight I have terrible luck!” He exclaimed disgustedly.

“Verily.” Thor agreed before turning back to Discord. “Hit me!” Discord passed him another card. “Verily my luck is golden, blackjack!” Thor cried banning MJOLNIR against the table shaking everyone’s drinks. He received several pointed stares before he put his hammer on the floor beside the table. “Sorry.” He said with a small smile.

“You know I have been meaning to take the field recently, I’m sure my marines would enjoy having me off the throne and on the front lines again.” The Emperor of Mankind said while he looked at his cards.

“Yes but then the chaos gods would become involved directly.” Celestia told him, the Emperor sighed resignedly.

“I know which is why I don’t. Hit me.” Discord passed him a card. “Blackjack.”

“I swear some of you are cheating,” Martin told them sourly with a small scowl.

***

“…And then Luke died and we won the war, but then Rachel stole me and she became the new oracle. And then the Boss finally got laid!” Blackjack the pegasus said finishing his story and receiving a brohoof from Pegasus.

“So Twilight who’s tale did you think was better?” Buckbeak asked Twilight who thought for a moment.

“Honestly I loved them both, but Buckbeak’s had more action.” Twilight said blushing a little under the look that Buckbeak gave her, then the hippogriff sighed and shook his head.

“Oh well such things happen.”

“Attention all fighters report to the main war room we’re about to begin the briefing for what should be out last assault.” Pinkie’s voice rang out over the loud speakers.

“Awesome that’s our queue to kick ass!” Dash cried before leaping into the air and flying towards the war room.

“Let’s go and ensure that she doesn’t die doing something dense.” Buckbeak said with a sigh.

Comments

[ed2481]

Warning i do not speak German, just feed it into Google translate... Also my editor is currently unavailable so sorry if things are a little rough

[Knicknack]

That blackjack scene was funny trying to picture the empire of mankind haveing a casual convisation is just funny

[Staccato Beat]

Are you still taking suggestions for villains?

[Grey Warden]

Please bring in the grey wardens!!!! even a single reference would make me happy please!!!!!!

[Gangsta Sasquatch]

We need some Gears up in dis. Get some Delta, some Clay Carmine and I'm set.

[idontevengohereanymoreso]

For a minute there I thought you had brought Scooby Doo into this, hence Shaggy. But nope, its Shegorath. Darn.