• I'm one book short of a trashy paperback trilogy, written entirely in crayon. "Dense and vague, yet unimaginably interesting." - Regidar.
• Princess Luna commits to realigning a lost dreamer, unable to accept that some ponies can never truly be saved. Edited posthumously by Dsarker, StrangeReasoning, Bad Horse, theRedBrony, and Phazon. Recently recommended (sort of) by PresentPerfect and added to Singularity Dream's Master List.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I honestly can't tell if this is interesting or not, after reading and editing the damned thing a million times. At least it's short! REJOICE! Please enjoy, my folksies!
Maybe you cane make her and Sombra a relationship in the sequel!
:3
And today we've learned that... Celestia is an asshole. An out-of-character asshole that bears no resemblance whatsoever to what we've seen in the last two seasons and would happily spit in the face of the relationship she has with her sister in canon. Unless of course this is pre-Nightmare Moon, but if that's so, then yeah, Celestia's an asshole.
Also, I'm no expert on the majestic plural, but I don't think it's appropriate to use when talking with your coruler. Considering they both rule the same kingdom, it's a bit pretentious.
6566886
Hint: Luna doesn't speak to Celestia until the last couple of sentences. I mean, uh... er.
Oh crap, I missed a tag! Figures! Ah well, there you go. Mystery solved! No wonder everyone was reading this and going, "what the actual f*ck?". BUGGER!
6567292
Well this doesn't exactly help. Luna trying to help Nightmare Moon (essentially dreamwalking in her own dreams to fight her own personal demons) is a very fascinating concept, but the Nightmare Moon you're giving us seems to be doing this for shits and giggles, with the only real hint towards Luna's angst being that line about existing to help others and still being happy. I don't really see much in the way of her lack of appreciation or her jealousy here.
And I still take issue with Celestia at the end. Her sister tells her that she's succumbing to her own demons (in a strange, 4th wall-breaking sort of way), and Celestia reacts just like Emperor Palpatine after Luke severs one of Vader's arms.
Wait, you took down Occupational Hazard? But... Slice of Life episode be damned, that looked promising.
6567745
Having properly digested the weight of your observation and critique, I am ... well, I'm definitely aware of a sharp stinging pain in my chest. Ouch. Otherwise, I understand your points. Let's break it down - with ponies:
... anyhow. I have read this damn thing a few times, and I like it. I guess all I can do is hope others do too? I'm most happy that I momentarily conquered my crippling writer's block. THAT MAKES ME HAPPY!
Occupational Hazard was a mess from beginning to deletion. I'll come up with something better, I mean, I hope so. Now I really don't know.
... no ill-will was intended in the posting of this response. Vote Trump. Peace.
6567949
I guess I don't know my own strength sometimes. 
Ooh, sorry.
The thing is, a lot of what you've presented here left me confused, and not in the good, open-to-interpretation way. My own headcanon (and perhaps canon to a great extent) has Luna feeling unappreciated by her subjects and jealous of Celestia. I'm just not sure why Nightmare Moon has such a sadistic streak toward Luna in this dream. I would've thought she was trying to convince Luna to embrace her anger and hatred toward the ponies of the waking world, effectively abandoning her drive to help them and win their approval, but then why is Luna directing all her anger at NIghtmare Moon instead? Does this even take place before her banishment, or is this after the Elements saved her? I just don't know, and I don't think either scenario would satisfy me.
Perhaps I'm injecting too much of my own interpretation of canon into this. But to me, this story seems lacking in context at best and rife with inconsistencies at worst. I don't hate the story outright, and I don't dislike the story per se, but it just doesn't sit right with me.
Oh and never vote Trump. I know you're not being serious about that, Canadian and all, but the man has the maturity of an 8-year-old.
6568251
It's fine. I'll be honest - all of what you said? I'm fine with it.
What has really hurt me, and required me to ask others about, was your posting links in this blog that illustrate why my story is ... why mince words? Shit.
I hold you in too high regard to let this affect me, but it has bothered me. More than I want to discuss. I asked around a bit, and... this is unusual. So I don't feel so bad about my ill reaction.
Let's just put this behind us. Hm? I'm totally okay with that. Like, as in I NEED this to die right here and go no further.
Okay? Okay. Thank you.
6568309
Okay, that's fair. I probably went too far with those, and I'm starting to see how that would've done more harm than good. Sort of a knife-twist I never intended in the first place. The links are coming down.
6568352
Thank you. I knew you never meant harm intentionally, but it did in a way I never expected.
It's over now. WHEW!
6568352 Now I'm curious what they were.
I have the feeling this story is as much about Twifight Sparkill as about Nightmare Moon, Luna, or Celestia, and so you're criticizing it for being non-canonical when it may be a great story that happens not to really be about our canonical ponies.
There are several grammatically unparsable sentences that make it less clear, but my main problem is that I can't tell what Nightmare Moon wants. She seems to be the sympathetic figure in the story, though. I don't see what Phazon is talking about, calling her sadistic. It seems like she's Luna's captive, and Luna keeps interrogating her. The paragraph where Luna goes all pompous tyrant on her ruined any chance of Luna gaining my sympathy.
Also. Definitely vote Trump. Unless Voldemort is running this time.
I quite enjoyed this. It got... pretty damn philosophical.
I didn't really know who Luna was talking to. I assumed it was Nightmare Moon, but you know what happens when one assumes, don't you? I admit, I didn't like that Celestia was so excited at Luna's grim epiphany. I, like you, have my own particular way of picturing our quasi-dieties. The rest of it, I'd say was perfectly in character.
For that 4th-wall-breaking moment at the end, I did start to question whether this whole thing was entirely serious, or something more along the lines of Once Upon a Best Pony. But considering it strictly serious, I do understand the philosophical implications. At least, my inerpretation of it all is that... Luna is soul-searching and comes to the conclusion that she simply can't be happy, because of her circumstances, and her obligations. A lot like her sister, who serves her people so that they might be happy, at the expense of her own happiness. I imagine Luna here feels similarly, but for different reasons. Although there is mention of her duty to serve the dreamers.
Celestia's part at the end (all one line of it) is not how I would've written it. I'd imagine Tia has long since accepted her own grim reality, but continues to march forward through it, chin up. But I suppose to assume (there's that word again
) that your version of Tia has marched on for so long until the point that she's essentially gone mad because of it, that would be - in my eyes - a fitting reason why she would react as such to her little sister who has 1000 years less life experience just now figuring out her own fucked up place in the world. Is that what you were going for?
And don't worry, the story is excellent. I think this Phazon fellow just doesn't quite grasp the severity of an eternal ruler's duties (and demons), and the effects they have on them. Not to say that I can entirely myself, but I think I have a closer idea of what it's like. Though thankfully I haven't tried to blot out the sun eternally.
Yet.
All stories need a villain...
Read the story.
Theory: Fairly strange. I did not understand who the 'I' was (I gather it's Princess Luna, but apparently, browsing the previous comments, it's Nightmare Moon) at the end, although I did understand it in the middle. If that makes sense.
I also disagree with your beliefs regarding altruism.
Wording: It sounded really strange. I had to ignore the actual verbiage at points and go with what I thought it was supposed to mean. 'A bit of bureaucratic legit' I believe meant 'a bit of bureaucratic legitimacy'. I don't understand 'bureaucratic legit' to mean anything.
I also question the 'gathering a properly grandiose omnipresence'. I feel like you could lose the 'omni', and maintain the meaning I believe is intended in the sentence, while leaving the omni seems to make it meaningless. Later, you miss (I believe) a couple of 'that's.
Celestia singing and beaming... ruefully? I do not believe the word means what you think it means.
Generally: 7/10. I don't know what the metaphysics that Luna and Celestia seem to assume are, but they do not appear to be logical.
Halloo. Thank you everyone who paid their respects or spared time to voice their particulars regarding this ... piece. I will definitely offer a more detailed response to some of your messages another day - right now I'm a bit pressed for time, but I very much appreciated your comments and critiques. I'm an amateur at this writing stuff, obviously - I'm hoping that trying at little stories about cartoon ponies will help me explore and learn the craft. I'm ALWAYS willing to learn.
Made a few changes as per some suggestions, but nothing that really requires a reread - it is what it is, warts and all. That's it, folks.
So again, thank you all very much!
6568397
That's a pretty fair evaluation. Everything I write ends up being an aspect of me, or an integral emotion I feel at the time. I didn't expect this short narrative to be controversial or relevant to anyone! I've since added the "Alternate Universe" tag to this, in hopes to better prepare readers, but... is that correct? Either way, thank you Bad Horse. My writing style has changed a lot because of what you provide in your blogs. I feel far more confident going forward. You're all the bad I like, just so yannow.
6568973
Thank you, Red. Why do you ALWAYS make me so happy!? I don't need to know - you do what you do, and you're an awesome person for being endlessly supportive AND critical (at just the right times). Because of your mention regarding Celestia, I ended up changing her dialogue. As Bad Horse so sensibly indicated, I wrote this without any canonical consideration. Maybe this'll make the entirety less sour on the tongue for new readers? I dunno. Let's see!
6569202
Your criticisms and edits were very helpful, Dsarker. Back in the day - circa 2012, or close to that - writers used to get engaging and concise reviews that they could use. I'm not as active in the community these days, but when I dedicate my time to reading and am moved to say something, I try and make it MEAN something. Truthfully, I've had very good luck of late with my recently read favourites, so I haven't had to carefully word my concerns as much as you had to with my work. I really appreciate your mention of certain things that'd make this read more enjoyable, and made a few choice changes you mentioned. 7/10 for this?? THANK YOU!
6570635
I cannot argue this. My attention span when it comes to writing is appalling. I like to think my concepts are interesting, but they fail in execution. This isn't a comfortable medium for me, in as it requires ACTUAL EFFORT opposed to drawing or making music. I have relied upon the tutelage of knowledgeable folks that I've followed as a fan of their works, but... it is inherently difficult to try "something new" when you don't know what you're doing in the first place. I guess that's what this is.
Dramatic tension and so on? The mistaken use and maintenance of a mechanic? I definitely want to talk about it, if you like. Everyone here, from Phazon to TheRedBrony to Martian, have been wonderful friends. Anything you'd like to share? I'm open for.
You are all very important people to me, as a writer and person. Thank you for your help and comments.
6566502
That's entirely possible. WOO!
Some proofreading:
I really don't think you meant "abstinent".
Probably you mean most romanticized dreams were made up of...
In this sentence, the bleak surroundings have gotten to know this particular emotional engineering.
Now and then, somepony can just say something.
Suddenly the narrator is using archaic Lunaisms.
This is a tyrannical, hypocritical declaration of legal authority made simultaneously with the threat proving the authority is not legal or just but based only on force. I don't see how it's supposed to fit with the rest of the story, unless the story is supposed to show that Luna is an ass. Anyway, it should be thy Princess and thy place, and "recognize whom thou dost address?" The -ize => ise shift didn't happen until the 19th century. (We say "recognize" in America not because we've changed the spelling, but because England has.)
You've got numerous places like this where grammatical mistakes are partly concealed by sentences that are so long that the reader is too flustered to notice that it doesn't make sense.
My main concern is still that NMM is the viewpoint character, but we have a sudden shift out of her viewpoint at the end that seems as if we're supposed to have taken Luna's viewpoint all along; and also, that I never found out NMM's motivation.
6575008
I see what you're saying. I suppose my biggest issue with this attempt was my assumption that I could edit myself with no actual knowledge of the craft. I mean, how do I rate myself at making a cake when I get so involved with the ingredients that the groceries are top notch, but the end result is inedible? That sort of feels like all my attempts at storytelling - sounds great, but the end result... I mean, the ingredients were there, yet it just... ew, this cake is really dry.
You're very kind to take time and pick this apart, BH. Can I call you BH? Is that... is that disrespectful? No, er... yes, um. Bad Horse! The Sing-Along Blog insists I call you Bad Horse! I definitely used your corrections and made a futile attempt at edits. Your wisdom and teachings are always appreciated, although I often get lost from my original self for being so damnably fixated upon what the EXISTING RULES ARE.
You're pretty excellent. Just remember that.
6574888 Anytime, Twi, anytime
. As for the ending bit, I like your changes. I also don't think you need the AU tag, especially since you've changed it. It fits into canon well enough. We know Luna has harbored other... entities in her own dreams, and the comics suggest that Nightmare Moon is an entity in and of itself, it is conceivably possible that Luna has somehow harbored Nightmare within herself. Come to think of it that sounds like a horrible idea! Isn't that just like asking to be posessed by an evil demon, again? Wtf Luna. Or the other option, that Nightmare is simply a part of herself, is not not canon. The show is obviously kind of vague about that whole thing. Anyway still, much more canonical now, imo.
6575784
Whew! I feel much better now.
dense and vague, yet unimaginably interesting
6637317
Ladies and gentleponies, meet the words I want on my tombstone.
6637371 should I live longer than you I shall make sure you get your wish
6637460
You fucking better, asshole.
6637468 the future is an unpredictable and wily mistress
6637485
BOO.
I enjoyed this story, Twifight. And the comments leads one to think in pleasant and not so pleasant terms.