Today I was faced with a very tough situation.
I must say, I never knew that I could hurt so much. I never knew that I could feel so much emotion for another person. Someone I love and whom I owe a lot to is in a lot of pain and suffering, and I'm helpless to their situation. All I can do is sit back and watch as everything spirals down, out of control, out power, out of... life.
And it feels so bad, so very bad.
It helped me realize something, though. I have been squandering my life away. They were not dealt a very good deck in life, but they persevered and came through. Meanwhile, what do I do? I put off my schoolwork to be with my fans, and lie about a tragic life I pretend to lead.
I suppose now is when I'm going to come clean about something I have lied to about on several occasions. I do not blame you if you unwatch me after this, because in all truths, I am a liar and a thief. I steal from others' tragedies and make them my own, and lie to people who supposedly care about me.
In any case where I have told any of you (my newer watchers might not know about this) about my friend being shot, or my other friend dying in a surf accident, those were lies. I lied to gather attention, because as many of you may already know, I am simply a giant attention whore. I am so sorry I lied to you all, because if I treat my watchers like this, I'm no better than device heretic. I hope you all can forgive me for that.
However, in the past where I've brought up my depression, that is all very real. At times, I'll just be washed over by a great feeling of sorrow, and wonder to myself where everything is going. I haven't totally screwed myself over yet, so I still have to to get my academic life back on track. I need to make it a priority over my ponywords, because this won't last forever. Not that my academic life will either, but that will impact my life far more than this site could ever hope to, unless somehow I land a job getting my original fiction published through someone on this site, but that probably won't happen.
I don't know why I'll be happy one moment, then feel crippling depression the next; maybe I'm just done with filling out my "No Surprises" life where I do the same routine day in and day out, waking up feeling empty and going to bed feeling like I did something wrong; maybe I'm tired of staying awake every night dwelling on the sorrow of others and how I dare to feel bad for myself when far better people than I are being shot in the face by life; maybe I'm just tired of living on an island in the middle of the ocean with no one around who wants to be with me, in a culture that is so repressive intellectually.
I feel too much, and I think too little. To quote Kurt Cobain: "I really haven't had that exciting of a life. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done, instead of just sitting around and complaining about having a boring life. So I pretty much like to make it up. I'd rather tell a story about somebody else." That's probably why I became a writer, to distract myself from the soul crushing bordom of the every-day. I used to adventure with my friends, we used to draw and play games and climb the ivy, but now I'm left with fond memories and the taste of nostalgia in my mouth. Which isn't so bad, I guess.
Allow to quote the genius Cobain once more: “There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad.” And it's true. I act like I hate the world, and I hate people, but I don't. I don't hate... anyone, to be honest. I forgive easily. Even people like KingofSquirrelz I'd be willing to forgive provided they gave me the chance. The simple fact is, I hate having enemies, and I hate people hating me. My personality often drives people off because of weird sense of humor and my inappropriate timing and my arrogant nature that characterize it, but I still want to accept everyone as my friend. That's why I simply cannot bring myself to harm another. I don't want to be forever remembered as the person who beat the shit out of that one kid, or shoved that other kid into the road. You might say "Well, they deserved it! They were an asshole!" or "Better to be remembered for something bad then for nothing at all!" And to this, I say no, because I want to be remembered for something good, and people judge far too easily for me to afford having bad on my track record. Trust me, I speak from experience, which is why I no longer indulge in the public school system, as every seemed incapable of realizing that 8th grade me was not the same as 2nd, 3rd, or 4th grade me, the last time any of those losers saw me.
So if any of you stuck around through that, thank you. I still am in pain from earlier, because that person really does mean a lot to me and I'm not sure if I could bear to lose them. The Hurting continues, and it won't ever truly subside, but I've got enough diversions to distract me from the sorrow for long enough.
Feel free to post down in the comments about your own hurting if you wish. Do remember this, though:
When you've suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You're growing desperate from the fight
Remember you're loved
And you always will be