A young kid arrives in a colorful new world with no memories of who or what he once was. Soon after his arrival he discovers that where ever he is it is already inhabited. He soon makes some very colorful new friends who try and help him but it won't be as easy as they might think to get what is lost, if he even wants to at all.
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It is a good start, but I do have to say it was hard to read.
I don't mean any offence, but You didn't have a proofreader, did you?
An example here
I couldn't feel, see or even move all I could do was exist and possibly think from time to time, now that I think about it maybe that's why I knew I existed because I was thinking or at least that I had some form of self awareness
That is one very large and hard to read sentence. If you simply put in a coma and break the sentence in two, it would be much easier to read.
Other then that, good job!
Looking forward to the continuation of the story.
don't let this be a they know what humans are if he doesn't know awesome it add fun to the story I think.
Do you mean they should or shouldn't know about humans? Because I was thinking only Twilight and Spike would know because of Equestria Girls.
i'm a little confused but i think that it is a really good chapter and i hope that you continue to go with it
next time please check your spelling but over all really good chapter
love the chapter but i dont understand if the oc and twilight are the ones with a little conection
srry
so hes just a little kid, does mean someone is gonna have to adopt him?
might wanna change the description just a little bit. from a young man to a young child.
thanks I forgot to do that after the last chapter.
It snack not snake
Thanks, I think i fixed the only one that was like that.
hmmm a bit short maybe, i like those adoption storys, but there is not much to judge till now.
sometimes i have a hard time to think about their size, can you maybe tell me something at that i can know how large he and the ponys are there? Let just say it suprised me a bit that he was just as large as Applebloom. And by the way i start to like your story, i hope you take your time and make a long one, make a lot of nice moments if Schootaloo should be the romance there, i like it how they reacted suddenly. I think the few words from him making her feel a bit good in some way that moment. (Hope you can understand it, sometimes if i have not enough time, i think i choose maybe the wrong words in hurry or something like that.)
PS: Oh by the way like your story and starting to love it. ;)
I am actually from German so i an´t help much with the grammar, but if i notice something i tell you if you want.
I really start to like your story, you write him well enough, it fit him good that he s scared right now because he doesn´t have any memorie left and can´t really know if something is safe or dangerous.
Please make more moments with scootaloo and i would like it if someone noticed it if they start to have maybe a lone moment. I don´t ask you to make them a pair already, because maybe it should start slow, but i would like it if she drag him into some kind of innocent relationship. Special somepony ok, cuddling ok too. I already have to think of the moment they maybe start to kiss the first time, i would like that to be a bit clumy from both of them, i actually asume that Scootaloo would make the first move, since he is still a bit confused.
Yeah that possible pairing and your story are official cool in my book right now
it is good to have a new chapter again, i think i have to read it again because i forgot the romance here.
I know he's a kid, but why the hell doesn't he tell them about the voice?
Also, my money's on the voice being a "Nightmare".
One last thing; exactly how many of the lyrics did they hear?
5007235 He might tell them about the voice in the beginning of the next chapter but as of right now he was just afraid of what they would think.
I'm not exactly sure what you meant by the second thing you put but I think I might have a few Ideas.
And as for the song they heard it on the bridge which was maybe about half way through at least to me and some of the lyrics repeat so they hear a good majority of it I think.
I hoped I answered your questions and thanks for leaving a comment it helped me think about those things even more.
i have to admit, for a moment i imaged him daning to the beat^^. In his situation somehow funny, i guess i have just to much time
I liked that chapter, it was beautiful i think, i just hope he explains to them what happend. I don´t know if the voice has a greater role, but if she does and i think she looks like she has, then i want him to explain it to them or freak out, anything what could make them see that there is something.
I maybe had asked it already, but i hope the story is a lon one and don´t stop right after they are a real family, or there is a sequel. I want a few Slice of Life chapters after that and if i remember correct, Scootalo was somehow interessted in him right? or was it Applebloom?
I just hope it isn´t Twilight, the one with the romance. I mean i would wanted her to have either one of here close friends as a romance or someone she knows about more than just the name and the job. Not that she is starting to date Flash Sentry or anything, because she just saw him one time.
Let say i just like to have a romance started and not suddenly a romance in two chapters, like "Hi Flash", then he ask her out or something like that.
I am a bit talkative at the moment, but don´t mind it that much, i just get warm with the writting.
Good story anyway, i think i read it again the next days.
5007276 By "Nightmare" I meant either the remnants of Nightmare Moon, or the same type of evil Parasitic being that Nightmare Moon was.
5007360 That was one of my guesses thanks for verifying.
As for if your right or not we'll just have to wait and see.
I almost forgot. I think I said something about describing him or something like that. Just let me know and I can ether put it in the comments of this chapter or I can wait and put it in the authors notes or whatever it's called next chapter just let me know, thanks.
5007512 put it in the author's notes of the next chapter, more likely for readers to see it that way.
Um...when did he tell her about the voice and the dreams?
5263756
I was having trouble deciding how to incorporate it into a chapter and if I did it would have been a really short chapter considering the way I write things. So I decided to just mention it at the beginning of this chapter instead. The actual talk about those things wasn't actually in a chapter. But if you want more details or something I guess I could make like a bonus/extra chapter if you or anyone else wanted.
in coming ship captain
we are going to need a bigger ship
pleas tell me twilight gets it soon and when is the next chapter comes out
I like it and i am happy for the new chapter. I would not mind it if scootaloo and Blaze should be special someponys soon, i like to read about a pairing to, not only how they start to be together. (sorry if my grammar is a bit bad.)
5264503 please do so it will make things easier to follow.
9 out of 10 so far keep it up
p.s this was what i was lessening to while reading this:
Awesome great work on the story! I love the Emerald x Scootaloo :) Keep it up!
awesome chapter as always work at your own pace I known how hard writing is so good luck with it.
5670041 Thanks and I've kind of always had pacing issues with stories I write so if you have any advise that could help me with the pacing I would really appreciate it.
5670096 well the only advice I could give is that you do not rush tack your time with the chapters by the I owe you a big thinks for pointing out that song called bad apple it's one of my favas.
It is really cut, even if i noticed again how err.....social ackward he is, i think he had a reason to be like that, and even if the singing was a little bit corny for me, and even if i think it isn´t really like Scootaloo to do something like that, i really liked it.
5677672 I'm glad you liked it. I guess I was having a hard time figuring out how scootaloo would actually express her feelings since shes usually not the type to talk about romance or stuff like that. That's when I remembered this song that I had heard and once I listened to it a few times I thought the lyrics were good for what I was going for because even though she sometimes speaks her mind I'm sure she would stutter out feelings like if she liked someone. Anyway sorry this comment is so long I just wanted to clarify why I chose a song for that part since you mentioned it and In case anyone else asks about it. Thank for reading the story so far and I hope you continue to like it.
I want more, please
Couldn't help but laugh at the double meaning there.
a few minor spelling mistakes but good as always
4043257 Well she may know what he is but not what the species is called they never used the word human in either movie
no but´s, this i quite alright, i like something like that between the story.
I don´t know if there was something else beside the song, that was a bit...more funny than anything else for me (Scootaloo´s song), but right now i really think they are just cute together. Scootaloo really seems to like him, it is just sometimes i have .... external shame because of things other´s do in storys or movies. I mean i can´t image this would happen for real, and i would never do it, but while i would admit her song was cute, in some way, it was a little bit weird for me to see her acting out of character for this one.
I know that part of the sentence above isn´t perfect, but i didn´t knew how to make that fit into the sentence, because i just took one word out of the translator
good job, i hope i am not alone with this, but i would enjoy a sleepover with the Cutie Mark Crussaidders, Dinky and Emerald Blaze, or jus twith Scootaloo. They are a really cute couple, and because of that i need some cuddle scenes, or just them trying to deepen their love in some childish way.
I read 'She's the kindest pony around and wouldn't harm anything.' I was like:
Fluttershy murdered worms in an episode! And she hurt Pinkie and Rarity's feelings! Okay, that last one most likely doesn't count, BUT STILL!!!
This Story, makes my heart all fuzzy.
I don't know why i am 24 and stories like this one make me all feeling strangely and sad.
it is perhaps because my life was hard when i was a child growing up (it still is kinda hard)
well......its a nice story, even if there are some typos here and there. you got my fav and like^^
I would like this story to continue, if you are in the mood for it
6507488 Don't worry I still plan on continuing it I just have been having a hard time thing of what to write next. Also I've been kind of busy but I do have some time now as well as at least have a few ideas now on how I want the story to continue I just have to pick one. I should have a chapter up possibly by this month sometime although I'm not sure when.
I like this story, and I´m happy for a new chapter, but it suddenly feels like it is probably over soon. While I like it to be a bit dramatic, some type of Villains just feel odd, or let´s say, I doesn´t need always a bad guy in such storys.
6621480 Don't worry I still have a lot of ideas for this story so it probably won't end anytime soon. As for the villains I was thinking about
adding them for awhile now but I just didn't really know how to incorporate them into the story. One of the things this chapter was meant to do was just to establish that they exist and they may know Emerald in some way but at least for now they will probably only make brief appearances in some of the chapters so that I can develop them more and so that I may also work on a motive although I already have one in mind.
By the way thanks for letting me know what you thought of the chapter and mentioning some of the things you did. I was a bit worried about adding a villain or villains but it sort of helps with some of the plot point that I have in mind so hopefully if they keep appearing then maybe people will get use to them. Sorry this comment was so long but again thanks for letting me know what you thought and for reading and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.
Really? Did you really write that? 'if he even ONCE to' ... SERIOUSLY? I'm tempted to downvote the story just for that. How did THAT even get in there?
6666562 I actually never even noticed that before
, I must have really not have been paying attention when I made that mistake. Thanks for letting me know.
6667285 No problem. I'm a bit bitchy this week.