One day, Toby Mason, his friends, and his family get sucked into a portal. They discover their selves in a place called Wumpa Island. There, they meet Crash Bandicoot, Aku Aku, and Coco Bandicoot. They get helped by being sent back home. But when bad things are happeneing to both of their worlds, they must confront Dr. Neo Cortex, Uka Uka, and their evil henchmen to prevent that from happening. And to do that, some of the MLP characters will help Crash and Coco in the Wumpa Island universe while others will be of assistance in Equestria. Will they make it in time?
In Wumpa Island, this story is set after Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped and starting the events of Crash Bandicoot 4: The Wrath of Cortex.
This is also set before Tirek's final defeat from darkmage1997 and after A New Home III: The Quest for the Lost Locket from APoeticHeart.
Right off the bat I can tell that having chapters under a thousand words has hindered you in getting your story to be good. Another is that you have too many characters in one place. Your grammar is fine but it's not perfect. You also have no cover art to get people's attention and no followers that would view this. Fix those things and you're getting on the right track to having a successful Fimfic.
Well, its a good start, but you may want to edit a few things
1. Colin Fazer was never introduced in my crossover
2. The children were never turned into Ponies
3. I think a more dramatic phrase than "set after Tirek's Revenge" would be "sometime after Tirek's final defeat"
But overall, its great so far!
1. Collin Fraser was created by MetalBrony823.
2. The part that mentioned about " turning us into your own kind" refrences your story "Night of the antrho ponies". The human kids are still human.
3. I'll edit it right now.
By the way, can you follow me?
Hmm, now things are really cooking, but why not describe each of the villains, for those who don't know who they are
Ok, some things that you may want to change:
1. Tirek was destroyed at the end of Tirek's Revenge, as in dead
2. Chrysalis was reformed in the alternate ending for A New home 2
3. James was already in Equestria and has an alliance with the Power Pony Villains, The Mane-iac, High Heel, Pharaoh Phetlock, Long Face, Shadow Mane, and Smudge
4. Sombra was stripped of all magic at the end of New Life in Equestria and banished to the deepest pit of Tartarus
5. I don't know what happened with Starlight Glimmer
Ok. I'll do that in the sixth chapter. It will be before Crash, Aku Aku, Toby Mason, and Joshua go to Artic Antics in Wumpa Island while Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Nathan will go to a similar level in Equestria at Chapter 7.
6202529 Oh, well, never mind that 2 and as for following you, I will, and like and favorite this story. I see great potential in it. Also, you really need to hit the reply button when you're talking to someone, it gets confusing
6202592 Anyway, are you excited for A New Home IV?
6202599 On a scale of 1-10, my excitement is at 80
Good, good! But instead of "MLP Villains" why not use "Equestria Villains"?
1. He was revived by some strange magic from an unknown source in this story.
2. Chrysalis was still evil so the villain version of her here was the one from the actual story, not the alternate ending.
3.You haven't finished your Project Nega Titan story so after the story got over, so I decided he was flung somewhere into the mirror room.
4. Sombra got his magic back by the same unknown source.
5. Starlight Glimmer escaped from the village and is following Twilight spying her magic in later episodes of the show. And (DON'T READ THIS IF YOU WISH NOT TO BE SPOILED ABOUT A UPCOMING FUTURE EPISODE) she will return a full appearance in the Season 5 finale as the main antagonist.
Because some of those villains are from places besides Equestria. For example, Chrysalis was the place of The Canterlot Castle and King Sombra came in The Crystal Empire.
6205414 But the Crystal Empire still resides within Equestria, so therefore it wouldn't necessarily be considered a place outside of Equestria.
OK. In later chapters, something bad will happen to Toby.
How does Heaven know about the seals?
She's Heaven. She happens to know everything. Remember "Toby's Wish"?
Where did all of this black magic and resurrection take place?
Wumpa Island.
Ok, two things
1. Chrysalis was reformed in the alternate ending to A New Home II
2. Instead of posting a chapter before its completely finished, you should try finishing it all the way
6208834 She does?
How was Nightmare Moon separated from Princess Luna?
For your Chapter 8 comment asking two questions, like I said, Chrysalis is still evil in the real story and I could try that. For your Chapter 7 comment, yes. And for your Chapter 6 comment about Nightmare Moon being separated, it was in the Season 1 premiere of the show, also seen in MLP comics possibly either 6-8 or 7-10.
6202424
Again, this story is short. I understand you're trying to make longer chapters, and I feel this is what I call a "first shot" writing.
It's 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration. You want to be good, practice writing. Remember, you can't leave the scenes to the reader. Add details until you think you've added twice times too many details. Any chapters under a 1000 words, unless absolutely necessary for a certain plot point/time shift, should be combines as so if the events can be simultaneous:
Plot A
Plot B
Plot C
This is the most common way a fanfic is written. Keep to this, and details will be able to flow. If all you can think up is one string, and not a frayed line of events that can happen simultaneously, you're not doing your job right. It's a great idea, and I loved the first three Crash games on PS1, it's sad that just like Spyro, he died shortly after. Four was fine, but after it everything went to pot. The thing you must know, is that to write you must go forth and have no fear, but know that sparse detail will kill your story. But there is one compliment I have; and that is that you have dialogue down pretty well, except at times it feels you leave out crucial details. And back to descriptions, ou also need to describe how the expressions and feelings change. I know it sounds like bull, but it can make event eh dumbest story good.
I am, as always,
Professor Obedire R. Birch, Esq.
6228173 Crash Bandicoot will return in 2016.
6214288 Remember the Season 1 Premiere?
6214277 Yep.
6274611 Ah now I know how
CRASH BANDICOOT!!!!!!
INSTANT FAVOR!!!
6435057 You like it?
6435068 It's Crash Bandicoot, not only one of my favorite video game characters from the Playstation (which I STILL play), but he's and iconic figure in the gaming industry. Just like Spyro The Dragon.
So yes, I do like it.
Thanks for the follow btw.
6229037
*squee's like a little girl then faints on the floor*
6435078 Hey. I play PlayStation too!
Crash is returning 2016 for his 20th anniversary!
6435084 I refer you to my comment right below you.
6435082 But I could be wrong, so the best thing to do is to send a letter to my creators and see their word for it, or count down.
6435086 Either way I'm happy to hear something about him.
6435092 Oh. Well, how are you doing? Good thing one of my fans are excited for my return.
6435089 *slowly sits up after orgasm of immense joy* Give me about 20 minutes and I'll be fine.
6435097 Why you're not fine now?
6435102 Just let me recover from my nerdgasm.
6435107 What's "nerdgasm"?
6435128 It's a term used to describe when a fan of something gets extremely excited about something related to their passion to the point where they essentially "flip out" due to sheer joy.
6435138 Anyway, would you like to hear what I've found about my sister, Coco Bandicoot?
6435144 Maybe later. I'm going to be leaving for today shortly. Sorry.
6435150 Will you be online tomorrow?
6435151 Yes.
6435155 OK. The next chapter of my story will be posted sometime next month.