• Member Since 29th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Will Atkinson


T

During a terrible thunder storm Applejack and her sister Applebloom are finishing putting up baskets of apples from this seasons apple bucking and while they where about to leave they find a six year old colt hiding in a pile of hay and little dose Applejack know that the little colt will be the best thing that he has ever happen to her.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 58 )

This story is a really cool idea and I'm interested in where it's headed. The grammar isn't the best, however, and that makes it very hard to read and it's hard to picture the characters speaking.

Let me use this as an example.

"I think that's a great idea and after I get done eating I'll wake him up and see if he wants anything to eat."
And with that Granny Smith continued up the stairs to put the little colt in Applejack's bed. When she got to Applejack's bedroom she opened her door and walked toward her bed. But before Granny Smith could lay Bolt down on the bed she felt him stir.
("Oh dear it looks like he's starting to wake up.") She said to herself.

The first sentence there is a run-on, which is very hard to read and understand. You can break it up, like this:

"I think that's a great idea. After I get done (You can also use 'finish') eating, I'll wake him up and see if he wants anything to eat."

That is easier to read and flows more smoothly.

It's not the best idea to start a sentence with the word 'and'. 'And' is a conjunction.

You could say

With that, Granny Smith continued up the stairs to put the little colt in Applejack's bed.

In the next sentence, it is unclear whether the bed is Applejack's bed or Granny Smith's bed.

When people (Or ponies) in stories think or say things to themselves, you use single quotes or no quotes and use italics, not parenthesis. parenthesis are used when you're adding an aside that may or may not be relevant.

Other than the grammar, this story rocks and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Its a great story:heart:

"Ok thanks Rainbow for telling us." I believe you meant to say "Ok thanks for telling us Rainbow."

3813084 Both is correct, but missing the commas.

i love the idea and it has potential but the writing... it's fast paced and it lacks details...well more like theres details here and there but not in the proper order.

3813308 I agree with the writing. But I will still read and favorite the Story.

3813503 oh same here. i'm following because i like the idea alot

Grammar and spelling errors in the description and the description being a massive run-on sentence = won't even look at the story.

It is an interesting story idea, but I just can't seem to get past the grammar and spelling mistakes. Don't get me wrong. I do think that this has potential, but the grammatical errors have kept me from enjoying this story. Not only that, but the overall rushed feeling I got from this was unpleasant.

Also, work on your transitions/breaks. Use Italics and Underlines if you have to. It'll make it better in my opinion.

That's all there is to say.

-Versailles

i can't wait for more

4337458 I'm sorry but I have been busy with my other two stories but don't worry after I finish them then I will head back to this story so be patent with me please

Can you assure the release date for the next chapter? Also, I really love this story so far!

4902562 i'm sorry I can't but I can a sure you that when I get done with my Sonic and Shadow in Equestria series I was going to continue this story

Nice stroy you got there suger cube:ajsmug: but do you plan on continuing? :applejackunsure:

5145311 yes I am but im coght in some family stuff that I don't when im going to continue but don't worry I will continue this story

Im so happy it finally got updated.:pinkiehappy:!!!! Good chapter. AJ will be a great mom.:twilightsmile:

we need to see what will happen now, except by some grammar mistakes, great chapters so far!!! keep it up!:twilightsmile:

5265072 where is the spelling errors and i will correct them

5265263 you misspelled acres quite a few times

5265263 also you used the wrong witch it should be which the other is the Halloween kind

5265263

I hate it when im noted of an update only to find the chapter im about to read is not on there.

5348189 sorry about that I accidently hit published while I was not done yet so im sorry

Will Atkinson where is the next chapter for this story

5348618 sorry about that I accidently hit published while I was not done with the story yet so im sorry but don't worry I'm almost done.

5348913 I got the chapter done now

5348189 the chapter is truly done now.

Will Atkinson i got a question where is the next chapter for this story

5831033 well be surprised for I pushed the publish button before I finished it so I had to unpublished it

5831592 hey I'm almost done with the forth chapter so when I get do i'll let you know ok?

5897273 hey im happy to say that my next chapter of momma's baby boy is now out enjoy

5933164 you know what note to self never hit the publish button before your done with the story

'Scootaloo meat'? Sounds nice... Does it taste like chicken?

Seriously, I'm LUVIN' your depiction of Diamond Tiara in this fic. A bully, perhaps... But just a kid... And kids can grow up. Keep up the good work!!

"Don't I what? Say that the resin that Bolt is not with his real parents is because they never wanted him?" Diamond Tiara said, coldly.

:twilightoops::pinkiegasp:that gone to far.

That surprised me Diamond dad knew Bolt dad.

The story is good but dear god do you need a poof reader for almost all your chapters unfortunately while I could help with spelling I do horrible with grammar so you might want to find the proofreader group on this site and get one of them to help you

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