i clicked cuz of the thumbnail

More PonyFall goodness

*cue playboy music*

And here's the fifth one to come out

OMG dat Celestia

muffins

This has potential

Also, dat celestia

DAT THUMBNAIL

At first when I saw the picture I was like OH NO IT'S ONE OF THESE FICS SOMEONE HELP but everything turned out better than expected.

I do have three minor nitpicks though.

1) This sentence has way too many commas: So, in some bizarre twist, using their money and connections, they hired me a butler, to, mainly take care of me, making sure I was eating right, and clean up the house if it were to be a pigsty, and some other minor tidbits here and there…

2) Numbers lower than 100 are usually written out as words (such as one, twenty-two, and so on).

3) There isn't a whole lot of reaction when he runs across Celestia. He's just like Oh hey, I tripped over a naked woman. A bit more emotion might help to color it.

Everything went better than expected.  I am intrigued.    Oh, and DAT CELESTIA.  

>>367604367604

Ah, finally a critic who hasn't been hit by the cover image!

1. I can understand the too many commas part, it's a bit of a grammar habit I'm trying to get rid of.

2. True, numbers are mostly written in words. Bit of a slip up of mine, unfortunately, which I'll have to edit out once I get some sleep.

3. There is SOME reaction, but enough to not cause a major dramatic freak-out. Some people do exist that are calm and calculated, but do give minor reactions. Differs on personality from person to person.

and now that i have acutely read it i have something to say

Moar plz

Saw this in the whatever that box at the top is called and decided to give it a try, I must say I am looking forward to more of this seems like it should be quite fun.

Couple of inconstancies stood out to me

I pressed my fingers up to her clothed neck,

Wasnt she still naked at this point?

costumed figure in my arms.

same again

Twice referring to her in such a manner as she is wearing something then very soon after repeating her lack of clothes, just seems a bit off,

anyway time for the customary

MOAR!

>>368761368761

Ah crap, that was back from my first draft when I wanted to put her in clothes. I better go fix that...

Fixed.

At first I was liek "NOOO HUMANS WE NEED PONIES"

And then I was liek "YAAAAY HUMANS MOAR PLZ!"  

This fic is witchcraft!!!

WITCHCRAFT I SAY!!!

I Praise the ruinous powers for this bounty!

(Please do not take offense to my rather critical criticism)

My greatest grief is your lack of commas in reference to dialogue. When you have, say, '"Radda Radda Radda." I said' - I go berserk. If your dialogue ends with a modifier like "I/he/she/it said/replied/barked/shouted/deadpanned," then you should end it with a comma. Like so, "Look at my pony; my pony's amazing," Discord Sang. NEVER "Look at my pony; my pony's amazing." Discord deadpanned. Do not use periods in these cases, please. It's grammatically incorrect and it just looks unprofessional.

☩

Also, OCs are incredibly laid back about the whole "Naked Hottie" thing. I for one would be far more concerned. An unconscious, naked girl would set off rape alarms, not murder alarms; you characters are thinking it might be murder, but then again I over-think things like hell. Still, they are fairly nonchalant about it, and that irks me. Ask yourself this, "If I found a hot and naked lady with double Ds in my backyard, how would I react?" This might be how you would react, but personally I'd be freaking out. Your main OC seems almost aloof about everything.

☩

Celestia's mane ( or in this case, hair) is not described as a "rainbow," it is described as "pastel." ROYGBIV is Dash's thing, not Celestia's. I often use the Wiki to describe how the canon ponies look in regard to coat, mane, and eyes.

>>368822368822

Grammar's a bitch, my friend... Grammar's a bitch.

Also, the OCs are not THAT laid back, they do show some kind of surprised reaction. Just not the kind the readers expect, which I was aiming for. Don't you often get tired to see an OC acting like a dramatized crazy guy as if a gun was held to his head? Yes, naked women can give anyone a very surprising reaction, but not everyone. Personalities differ.

The way of naming Celestia's mane... That did make it a bit difficult. I thought her mane was like a really soft rainbow-like color. Didn't know it was called pastel. Sorry about that.

I appreciate the criticism though, friend. You're probably the first that has ever heavily criticized anything I've made, besides grammar, lol.

>>368832368832

I know, I've spent many a long night with the Owl at Purdue just to make sure I'm using commas properly. I think that writing here has significantly improved my abilities as a writer, and as such I love to pass along my knowledge as to improve other people's stories so that they get more sleep than I did.

☩

I suppose I can buy that argument, however dubious. The whole 'freaking out' is accepted because it's realistic, is it not? The issue here is that he's almost too easy going. Sure, he's surprised, who wouldn't be? First reaction (besides resisting poking her lovelies) is to bring her into his house. Admittedly, that's an acceptable break from reality for the sake of story, but it's presented a little peculiar at how fast he reaches that conclusion. Ditto for the butler; butlers are people too. I'll accept it for now, but keep in mind to flesh out their reactions lest they come off as needlessly aloof.

☩

Well, according to the dictionary, pastel is described as "a color having a soft, subdued shade." Si her mane is usually generalized as "pastel" because it's easier than describing each one of her colors, of which there are four.

☩

So long as I've help you on this day, then my day is a success. Cheers!

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

Tracking.

Wait, I know you. You commented on Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic. That story was awesome. This is cool too!

>>368875368875

Pleasure to see you, fellow commenter! :D

Luv it... MOLESTIA LIKE.

>>368879368879 And if i am not much mistaken, you are also the author of My Little Naruto. Great fic by the way. Let me know if mine are any good.

Nice to know some authors get out into the masses instead of hiding in their ivory towers of creativity.

You keep mentioning she smells like fudge I am a massive nerd but I can't help but keep thinking 'if he said she smelled like honey she would be a Time Lord/Lady'. This is why I shouldn't read wiki pages so much weird information. Liking this rebuild though you seem to be a lot more enthusiastic about it then the mare-do-well one.

Very interesting. I'll be sure to give this one a chance.

Tracked/liked.

Edit: Not because of the picture.

HOLY MOTHER OF CHEESE AND CRACKERS!

...And Butter.

The fic is in the #1 spot on the Featured List! God dammit, if I could go through my computer screen and meet every one of ya, I'd kiss you all! I'd be disgusted for doing so, but I'd still god damn do it!

Everyone, thank you all for the great support you've given this fic, it makes me so damn happy!

>>369023369023 "If you write it, they will come!"

It's a fun fic I guess, though I can't help but feel some early warning gary-stu vibes coming from the main character... Still, I had fun reading it.

That being said, you may really want to consider getting somebody to go through this with a red pen. There are a LOT of spelling and grammatical errors and some really awkward word choices here and there. It sorta makes it feel like the story is written by a talented writer, but one who does not speak English very well...

>>369069369069

Spelling errors I really doubt... Grammar errors I know about.

Yes... I know. I get this a lot. I get it a lot... x_x

dat thumbnail o_0

>>369075369075

It's not so bad it breaks the story or anything. I'm just saying you might want to get somebody else involved with your writing. It never hurts to have someone with a critical eye proofread what you write.

BTW, can you link me to wherever this Ponyfall thing is? I've never heard of it before now, but if it's still open to join, a legitimate reason to write a silly, non-serious, self-indulgent, self-insert fanfiction might be just the thing to get me out of my writing funk...

I Clicked cuz of thumbnail....i like the story :D

Well my collab has plenty of spots available. Just get in on the Irc Chat, /join ponyfall, and we will find you a character to use.

This. Interested. Tracking.

I clicked for thumbnail

I stay for story

Me Gusta is all I can say

Good start. Although, FYI, 95% of the people that read this got here because they saw the picture.......

Alright, back to the story. You have a open story, a good level writing plain, (a little shaky with grammer though..) and the story itself is fulfilling what about every MLP fan wants to happen.

For Chapter 1, 4/5 stars.

Tracked and waiting next chapter!

Hm.

It's a self-insert story, with a very... very attention-grabbing image. Image aside, here's my thoughts on the story.

>It's a labour of love, I can practically feel the Fun you had writing this. It is like a foreboding sense of dread - usually, when I detect this much Fun, it means I'm in for a horrible ride.

>I'm curious as to how you land in front of, then proceed to trip over a naked woman, without seeing her first. Usually, when you drop down from something, you look down. And see things on the ground, like rocks, gravel, and naked women.

>"Why I was looking at her breasts, is just a sign that I was a male. Who wouldn’t honestly?" <- Yeah, this was not a good sentence. It makes you sound like you're trying way too hard.

>Got some tense confusion in there. (You used "can" as in, "So I can carry her." Should be "So I could carry her.")

>Sentence punctuation needs a bit of work. This is partly pure opinion of mine, given my preferences for dialogue and speech - consider throwing in a semicolon instead of a comma sometimes, that sort of thing.

>A bit much expositionary detail... about things which are incredibly likely to be totally irrelevant.

>Some odd sentences - they feel like you're trying to hit a word limit or something, and so it's a bit forced.

>"So it was probably no suprise." <- You're the narrator. I think you'd know if it was a suprise to you or not.

>Yeah, you could probably do with an editor.

>Thesauruses are your friend. Mix it up. Parched, thirsty, dry, dehydrated. Don't have to do it every time... but try and do it most of the time, it helps.

Overall: Despite my internal "Fun Warning" at the start, it wasn't terrible. Unfortunately, it wasn't amazing, either. Characterization's a little off - MC's 22, and it just feels like he's/you're trying a little too hard to write this character. Throw in a lot of edit-work being needed (proof-reading, at least) and it's falling short of the mid-way mark, even if only by a bit.

On the other hand, it's a self-insert with a cheesy humanification premise, so this is about what I expected, really.

"since there were some times I didn’t pay attention and smashed my fingers with a hammer or chisel."

that is NOT how you are supposed to get hammered

i like it, and it's honestly better than most of my fics, tracking

>>369255369255

Trust me when I say "I'm trying."

These issues have already been apparent since I've been here on this site. It would be rather simple to get a proof-reader to fix all of these mistakes, but if only it were that easy to find one... They are bloody hard to find, my friend.

Interesting... Definitely gonna have to keep an eye on this.

>>369279369279

Tell me about it.

Anyway...

I visited for the picture but I stayed for the wonderfull story.

You are a great writer, i wish you the best of luck with all your stories.

Good day.

>>369075369075

Want me to edit this too my friend?

>>369457369457

Only if it doesn't burden you. I'm sure you have a lot on your plate with the Naruto fic, after all.

Personally there is just not enough of the story yet for me to give a "this is good" or a "all my raeg". So far however, your playing with the reverse HIE, with humification trope. And you have a grand amount of breathing room here. So make the best of it and write more plz.

Tracked, I'm curious as to what happens.

The avatar< prays you have the ability to make the plot (mostly celestia's) ravashing.

-never stop writting.

I can only imagine what slorgies fic will bring since he actually hired someone to make his cover art.

(shameless plug for Ponyfall)

Absolutely excellent! Definitely tracking!

Very, very interesting. Really liked your OCs.

Really looking forward to the next chapter, and see just how the story will proceed!

All I can say:

Image: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zVOp5DlQ2MQ/TzO4rBdXZLI/AAAAAAAAAt4/qwC2MHP-xKA/s1600/approval-people-clapping.gif

Bravo good sir.

Definitely worth tracking.

Now I am off to keep writing my DMC/MLP Crossover story.

Me gusta MOAR

SWEET CELESTIA The princess is sexy!

You definitely should get an editor. There weren't that many mistakes, but the ones I saw are just plain... dumb?

>>369694369694

Story of my life, my friend...

Firstly, I opened this story up because of the cover image, which, might I add, is highly distracting.

Upon closer inspection, aside from the odd spelling or grammar mistake, this story shows some promise. Please, continue.

I honestly don't know what to make of this.

Well, other then:

Image: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HtdlGkwqfuk/TwhrLIlZFEI/AAAAAAAAAp8/UlJdmDhRAco/s1600/me+gugusta.jpg

Image: http://1.2.3.13/bmi/cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/17155363.jpg

But anyway

Looks good

Glad to see that you were able to do something with them even though they rejected your Mare Do Well story. Keep up the good work my friend. Oh, and congrats on you featured spot.

tracked because dragonls =3

Dat thumbnail

when is the next chapter going to come out

after reading the first chapter gota say I want more!

Gordan sounds like a cool butler.

>>370268370268

When i'm done with the piles upon piles of college work, it shall come. Do not worry.

Image: http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/180/500/dat'%20plot.JPG

nuff said.

You sir deserve a medal.

No, you deserve an internet.

Hm, make it ten. Yes, ten internets!

Tracked.

My reaction to all the comments here:

To DragonLS: I commend you

You now have the best Ponyfall fic so far

this is definitly th' most original fic i've seen involving humans.

moar?

One chapter and allready an excellent fic I give thee 5 out of 5 mustaches

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE

NOBODY SAYS "Over and Out"...

EVER

Well if anyone does that i just want to punch them in the face

Congratulations I now think your OC Hoomin is complete idiot.

>>370627370627

You'll see more of his idiocy as future chapters are released. A mug of idiocy all around!

Excellent!  ME GUSTA

Why does he have a walkie-talkie?

Why not just a cell phone?

I'm liking it so far. Make sure to keep the hyper focusing/ short attention span thing running throughout. If its only in the first chapter, it's mediocre writing. If its actually a part of the characters personality, then it works brilliantly :)

I can't stop laughing whenever Gordon speaks. While I absolutely love the butler sensibility and persona, Beyond Reality ruined proper butlers for me forever :D

()

>>370692370692

Umm... *stumbles for an excuse*

They use less battery life?

>>370740370740

.....buck it i'm tracking it

Came for teh thumbnail... Stayed for teh story!  TRACKING!

This Pic must be burned before its powers are used for EVIL!!!!

*POMF* *THUMP THUMP* "SWAG" ......lol dat pic

^ lol

Gosh, I want to point out some stuff, but you've already had so many people point out exactly what I was thinking. I guess I'll just ramble. I like what you did with the small cliffhanger. I feel drawn to the story and eager to find out what happens next. Regarding your characters, I'm afraid there's not much I can say. It's not the wisest thing to judge a character from a first chapter. They need time to develop; to mature. So, for now, there's not much I can truly comment on. A couple grammatical errors, but those errors are easily corrected with either an editor or self-correction. As stated above, I am eager to see the second chapter, but don't rush yourself. Have a marvelous day.

>>370852370852

Appreciated good sir. And yes, since it is only the first chapter, the development stages of the characters are still in their "developmental" stages, so to speak. They'll have plenty of development time as future chapters are added.

>>370864370864

Excellent news! And I must say, it is truly admirable how you respond to most, if not all, of your comments. Shows that you're a kind person.

This pleases the Dark Collective... We demand more...

I have to admit, my curiosity was peaked at the double d's part but i still liked it for a story, cant wait for more.

this has a great chance at being funny as hell, tracked my good sir and looking forward to more.

While I must praise you for your originality, I feel that I must yet again don the mantle of The Detested Grammar-Nazi.

I saw no spelling errors: a definite point in your favour. However, the story felt... Clunky. Dialogue seemed okay, but the internal monologue and descriptions felt awkward due to the phrasing. Re-read your chapter out loud to get a decent idea.

Also, another no-no: Don't mix up tenses! I saw words such as "is" and "was" in the same sentence where they didn't fit in. Remember, your writing in the past tense. Keep it that way, barring the regular exceptions.

I will track, and I anticipate another chapter, but I think that you should have this proof-read beforehand.

So they'll hate on me, because I can take it.

Because I am the spellchecker Fimfiction deserves... But not the one it needs.

Because I am The Grammar Knight.

Well played, sir. Well played.

OH SNAP!

Homeboy about to Get it in!

(or not)

good start so far, but such a tease @_@

YAY

I SENSE THIS SHALL BE GOOD!

I'll take a mug of that idiocy! It sound DELICIOUS!!!

I will openly admit that I took notice of this story for the art. I checked the summary provided and it intrigued me.

I clicked, read, and am currently awaiting the next chapter!

I have always looked for more Celestia based literature. i also love anything with humans. tracking and good luck!

Image: C:\Users\Julian Iglesias\Pictures\responce libary\The thread\reasponce pic\Does+_985fbf78112c8cace1471a2e120d3952.png

PonyFall is a series?

What have I missed? Not that I really have any clue what PonyFall is.

Also,

Double D's

AWWWWWWWW YEAHHHHHHH

dat celestia...sorry to say this but...MILF!!!!!!

1: This is of to a very nice start, looking forward to updates.

2: WHERE DID U GET TIA PIC?!

Tracked. Rich Celestia? With sexual stuffs? I agree with this fic already.