Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash take a walk together, and Twilight teaches Dash the 'pairing game'.
It seems to be an innocent game of love, but Twilight has something else up her metaphorical sleeve...
Chapters (4)
HIDEMYPAST
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362171
TBTS stands for...what exactly? Also, thanks for the comment. I know Haiku was drfinitely inspired by Alliteration, though.
362186
Aww, thanks :3
Also, it's Madam. *points to name*.
fantastic little story; one complaint is that its short; other than that keep writing.
twidash is best ship
362171 looking around there barely is any TwiPie, or Pinkie shipping in general...
on a note related to this story, its time to read it then I'll make supper
362220
Hm..
Maybe..I might wait until after the season finale, just to play off he whole 'clones' fiasco, and throw Shining Armour in there.
Cute. Short, but had enough detail for me to feel that it actually went through all the motions, and feel finished (starting with them already "dating" helped)
Princess Celestia=Big Brother
362258
Well, when the clones are of the mane character, then stuff gets real. xD
waiwaiwaiwai
wait a minute...
Celestia...can...rewind?
THE HORROR!!!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!
362271
Not when they're trying to kill you so they can replace you.
362284
We can only hope someone doesn't yell her name when.. Uh, reproducing. xD
362292 true true...
but if that is the case...
she gets her own little private television full of...
you know what, nothing happened here, goodbye
Short, sweet, and one of my fav parings. Fav and like.
362182 The Baker and The Scholar
Nice. Really liked this story. The proposal was nicely planned out. Favoriting.
sweet and simple. just how i like shipping stories.
I forgot what I was gonna say...
have a Twilight:
Great story. I too would enjoy seeing the actual wedding. Anyways good job again.
Damn good timing on my part. Just watched this and needed some major cheering up. This did the trick. Well done.
This is okay, in my opinion, but it needs some more... depth. It needs a little bit more of fluency, and a bit more of description of the scenes. This was probably written on a whim, but I hate to see a fic like this, no matter how short and comidic, trumped by some bad formatting and story telling.
363226
Huh. Care to explain what you mean? I focuse entirely on emotions and dialogue in this - scenery explanation is harxly neccassary in things likr this. On the matter of fluency.. I agree with you there, but I'm wprking on that.
Excuse all the rrors, I'm on an iPod.
Edit: Comedic? What...? I think you have the wrong fic.
363243 The errors are alright, my iPod hates me, so I know that feel bro.
Well, let's anaylize a little bit:
Thud, Thud, Thud. A hoof pounded the door irritably.
''Wuzzat?'' A drowsy voice could be heard from behind the door.
''C'mon, Twilight! It's two in the afternoon!'
''Wuh..Oh, hay! Sorry Dash, I'll be two seconds...'' A thud, more muted than the others - probably because of the door. Probably the sound of a pony falling off a couch, Dash decided.
You say Dash decided, but you didn't mention her before. You can't just that it was her pounding on the door, even through dialogue; it's not apparent enough. Plus your use of the dash is improper (I'm not a English teacher, but I'm PRETTY sure), but that's besides the point. You use Probably two times in two sentences. Synonyms, or you could jsut say 'It was most likely the sound of a pony falling off a couch, Dash decided'. Even if you stick with Probably in the second sentence, you don't say 'it' or something to the extent. Can't start a sentence with probably. Those are just a few examples, but I'd be happy to do a full run if you need a pre-reader. I do a lot of work in that field. If you're fine with the quality, which isn't bad, then that's fine too! Again, I'd just like to see a good fic represented to its full potential. Also, the better term instead of comedic is... Light-hearted. Comedic is to an extreme that I didn't wish to mean.
363273
OH CRAP I DID THAT THING I HATE.
Thanks for pointing out the 'probably' used twice. I'll just go fix that.
363281
Sure thing! I'm always at your disposal if you need someone to help you out. Cheers!
363284
Reworked the beginning, is it better?
363310 Much better, you show us through narrative who we're talking about, and the fluency is a lot better. But let's just take ONE more look! (I know, I'm a pest!)
'Through the door, Dash heard a muted bang. Most likely, it was Twilight. A small breeze sent a chill through her fur, rustling her mane gently. She coughed irritably.' Most likely, it was Twilight can be put on the first sentence for fluency. For example: 'Through the door, Dash heard a muted bang that was most likely Twilight, she decided' Or, alternatively: 'Through the door, Dash heard a muted bang; it was most likely Twilight.' But hey! In that second sentence all you did was switch a few words around and add a semi-colon! What's the deal Musical? It's mostly the semi-colon! It combines two independent clauses together to create a better flow, and we were able to get rid of a pesky comma that didn't really need to be there. That 'coughed irritably' can be expanded upon a little bit more, or else it's just not relevant.
It's a great improvement from what you had before. Just go through your story and do a bit of editing, and it will be pure gold!
363335
Thanks! Ill rework it when I'm next on a computer.
Also, I did not think that when you mention the semi-colon - I facehoofed and said 'DAMMNIT THIS GUY IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME''
363358
Again, if you want me to go through it ALL and give you some tips I'm down for that, but if you think you got it and want to go through it yourself then you're on your way to becoming a better writer! Good luck to you!
for some reason or other, i didn't find this story very emotionally engaging. don't get me wrong, this is a solid piece of writing. it's just that you weren't able to sell the ship. i didn't get a sense of why rainbow and twilight are attracted towards each other, or the nature of their relationship. i should be able to see the love they share solely from the description. you rely too much on dialogue. the proposal seemed for a lack of better term, cheap.
of course, my standards are a little high, having read "Alliteration". also i'm biased in this situation, because i sail aboard the HMS TwiPie
no offense intended by this. you're a strong-enough writer. the story just needs to be more emotionally engaging.
ps. indentation wouldn't hurt either
363559
Agreed - but to go indepth with their relation would take away from the situation. But, a little insight would've been good.
Thanks for the comment :3
WHAT?!?!?!?!?! THAT'S IT? I WANT MOARRRRRR!!!!!!
oh uh........ That is if you want to
363649
Don't worry, I fully plan to write a sequel now that I've thought about it. It'll come after the season finale, though, so prepare for a wait.
Also, is this story featured?
SWEET!!!!! And yes it is!!!! So CONGRATZ
Or atleast it was when I clicked on like half an hour ago
So a story based on 'Perfect Two' by CallMeAuburn?
I've been forced on a couple occasions to listen to it;
It's a nice song, nice lyrics and such considering it was self made by someone;
...
Anyways, onwards to reading!
LOL
I'm using that same proposal one day.
Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Shoooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttttt.
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
364302
It was as long as it needed to be.
Short, simple, yet still a good read.
Have a Twilight:
This is cute as hell. I approve. Have a moustache!
Ah, short, simple yet engaging. The proposal seems a little too much, but hay, who am I to dictate who should get married and who shouldn't.
congrats on the feature
i love this story to bits
i think im gonna read it for the third time
Make a fucking sequel now or I will find out where you live and eat your soul! lol kidding, but seriously make a sequel
364799
Check my recent blog post :3
Simple subtle and satisfying
this story is cool....but seriously, nobody will bring up "will you marry me?" and just accept it out of nowhere! You have to build a relationship first with Twi and Rainbow.
364934
Well, in a normal situation, yes. However, they are already in a relationship.
363660 I can't wait
!
Super ultra mega DAAAWWWW!!!!
HNNNNGGGG too much cute!