I'm Brown, and I just joined this academy. My roommate's called Silver. Silver's a wolf, in case you didn't know. Pretty important thing, I think. He eats meat. I'm meat, but he doesn't eat me. It's complicated.
I'm Silver, a wolf from Canisberg, the best country in the world. It's also very far away, which sucks 'cause I miss the tea. I joined this academy, which is nice I guess. Brown's my roommate, but the only one around here I enjoy talking to is Amethyst. She's got refined tastes.
Hi, I'm Amethyst! I'm a red pegasus mare who enjoys shipping Silver the wolf, and Brown the unicorn! Life is so beautiful at this academy, I could just squee! Also, I loove tea!
Volunteer Slave Worker: Tired Old Man
Proofreaders: HowDoIEvenBrony, OldManJebediah
Cover-art by Carrot Top
LOL don't mess with a wolf. I should know I am one lol.
Everyone hates my team.
After too long, I'm here to give you a review from WRITE. Sorry about the delay.
Well, that was certainly a bizarre read. Just that impression alone is very hard to get past. The author’s note states that there really was no direction, and it certainly shows. Although writing without a plan can be a lot of fun for the writer, it rarely attracts an audience because unplanned stories do not have overarching plots or messages. They just end up a loose collection of events.
When writing for an audience, an author absolutely needs to have a plan of how the story will pan out. It does not need to be incredibly detailed, but make sure it has the beginning, the end, and at least a vague idea of the path in between. The problem here was that nothing in “Two Roomies and their Pest” felt like it was actually connected to anything else. All of the events seemed to happen almost independently of one another, rather than one logically leading into the other, and then to the next, like a sequence. The progression from one scene or chapter to the next just never seemed to make sense, especially in the final chapters.
Another major point was narration. Disregarding the mysterious device for a moment, there should be more to a story than dialogue, whether interior or exterior – interior meaning thoughts and exterior meaning between two or more characters. If the author does not describe the setting, the readers will not feel like they are actually witnessing the story. Near the end, the dialogue did not even give clues as to where the characters may have been. Dialogue and action may be important, but they should not stand alone. Be sure to incorporate setting and more thorough description into your narration. That way, your readers can more clearly understand what is going on. The best advice I can give is to read some professional work and watch for how they establish their scenes. Once you understand it, you can start putting your own spin on it.
I felt like you had a definite idea of who the characters were, but I could never quite pin who they were, mostly because even their recorded thoughts seemed to contradict themselves, especially with Amethyst. There was so much uncertainty regarding who her character was that even after her self-explanation, I felt like I had no idea of who she was supposed to be. You seemed to be stringing together a lot of complex relationships and motives between your three main characters, and it tied them up really fast, such as when Amethyst realized that seducing Silver into a friendship may have been a bad idea, even though he had told her as much far before the incident. Remember that all the character development in the world will not matter unless the development actually makes sense. Despite reading through five chapters of material, I still have no idea how anyone is going to act in the next scene. Before you write a story, make sure you have a solid idea of who the characters are, and how they are going to interact. Do your best to make sure your character’s actions are being interpreted the way you want them to be, perhaps by having the character explain themselves or using adjectives to hint at their intent. The clearer you make your characters, the better the story will be.
All in all, though, this is a very difficult story to critique. Everything came together in a very confusing way, and most of the author’s efforts at complexity just seemed to add to the confusion. As always, there is nothing to do but practice, read, and practice some more. Make sure the idea you have in your head is the idea your readers will get.
-Plebeian, WRITE's Dark Lord General Flour Sack
4491495 As for the review being late, well better late than never, right?
First of all I would like to thank you for doing this.
And now for the whole lack of planning and contradictions: ...it's that obvious that I don't have a plan huh? I was trying to get into a habit of writing everyday. I quickly learned that lack of planning is....well you know.
With that out of the way, I do read a lot. But I never write. I guess that's the practice you're talking about?
Once again, thanks for the review. Now, excuse me while I do some planning.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE THE SAME SHIPPING HABITS AS ME!!!!!!! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU HAVE ANY STORY RECOMMENDATIONS????
ANY MOVIE RECCOMENDATIONS?????????
I have a few:
Ringing bell:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQt8CqVPNC4
One stormy night
sub: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIlgiSmXBXQ
dub: https://www.youtube.com/user/OneStormyNightEngDub/videos
<.net fanfictions>
Repressed instinct: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11892844/1/Repressed-Instinct
(pro writing)To tread fields upon afar: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11243456/1/To-Tread-Upon-Fields-Afar
(pro writing)One star above: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12288772/1/One-Star-Above
The wolf and the lamb: https://www.fictionpress.com/s/2302440/1/The-Wolf-and-the-Lamb
(if last 1's were pro, this is a masterpiece) Retrograde Romance: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11854288/1/Retrograde-Romance-An-Oddball-Collection
(if last 1's were pro, this is a masterpiece) Taxonomic Rank:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11718214/1/Taxonomic-Rank-A-Zootopia-One-Shot-Collection
(badly written but good) Rio summer break: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11754499/1/Rio-Summer-break
<./.net fanfictions>
U have any?
Two roommates in Las Vegas found themselves facing an unwelcome visitor in their apartment, prompting them to seek the assistance of professional pest control Las Vegas. Much like a well-prepared pest control service, the roommates took swift action to address the issue. They reported the pest problem to their landlord, who promptly contacted a reputable pest control company with expertise in dealing with common desert pests like scorpions, roaches, and ants. Through a collaborative effort, the pest control professionals inspected the apartment, identified the pest infestation source, and implemented an effective treatment plan. With the diligent work of both roommates and the pest control team, the unwanted guests were soon evicted, leaving the roommates to enjoy a pest-free living space once more.