Things They Are A-Changin'
You know, it started out as such a good idea. Of course it did, it was my idea.
I'd gotten tired of bothering the Elements (Well, former Elements since the gems were locked away in that literal stick in the mud), popping around to see how things had changed during my tenure as a lawn ornament got old even quicker, and I couldn't go causing my usual brand of chaos because Celestia would just have to raise a hissy fit.
Oh, and Fluttershy would be disappointed and upset with me...Yeah...
Things used to be so much simpler, I did what I wanted, when I wanted, it's not my fault others couldn't appreciate my art. Now, though, thanks to those blasted ponies, I have this horrible, terrible affliction...
A conscience!
Can you imagine? I, who once warped the very fabric of reality at a mere whim, now can't because it 'makes others feel bad'.
...Okay, I still do the reality bending thing from time to time, but I need more.
But then, inspiration struck me when I was floating over the market after switching a few of Applejacks apples so they had orange insides, seeing the provision of services for money, it struck me-
I can't just cause chaos as I wish all willy nilly, but I can do it as others wish!
Oh, it had been so very, very, veeeeeery long since I got to play the part of the tricky genie.
Of course, I had to clear it with Lady High Sunny Butt herself first (You need the emphasis on that, she is the head Sunny Butt, after all), and of course she was strangely reluctant, but really, could she have any reason to bar a old Equestrian Citizen from providing his services to the youth of today? After all, I'm only trying to help.
...Yeah, she didn't quite buy that either, but she really had no legal hoof to stand on, not as long as I didn't do any permanent damage, there was nothing she could do. She did set a few rules, but as much as I felt rule should be a four letter word, it was nothing I couldn't work with/around.
So, the next day, the Ponyville Market had a tent set up (Which I will admit, was something like one I once saw a traveling Feline Fortune Teller use, but with my own spin on things), with a great sign above the entrance.
Want Your Wishes Granted, Desires Dispensed, and Hopes Handed to you?
Come see the Grand PuBaa of Chaos, Discord!
Prices may vary, all sales final
And so I opened shop and waited...
And waited...
And waited...
And as soon as they were sure the place wasn't going to detonate and scatter rum-cake batter across the town (I'm saving that for She-Who-Moons-The-World's birthday, and That emphasis is simply because I felt like it), my customer's began coming in, and I found a major flaw in my plan, something I realized long ago and didn't take into account...
Ponies just seem to have no imagination...
Over and over, so many similar wishes and requests that it was aggravating. The only repeat request I was really able to sew any sort of chaos with was the multiple request for the next winning lotto numbers (So many asked for that one that, after what they payed for the ticket, my services and the tax on winnings, everypony would end up losing money over it, I'm rather looking forward to seeing their expressions when they catch on. And no, I don't see the future, but I can rig a game better than anypony you know.)
I had so many wishes for money, which was against the rules handed down by Princess Rainbow Sherbert, something about not collapsing the country's economy. It was such a boring, repetitive and unimaginative wish anyways.
I got filly after colt after filly after colt coming in to ask for cutie marks as well, and the same three fillies coming in time and time again in poorly thought out disguises asking for it. As...interesting as it might have been to give them something less than ideal, that was another rule from miss Aurora Mane. No messing with Cutie Marks.
That said, I did get a few requests that were...interesting, to say the least...
(((((((((())))))))))
"I'm sorry, what was that?" I couldn't help but as the unicorn in front of me.
"I said, how much would it be to give me some sort of forelimb with fingers?" The minty green unicorn repeated, "Something like a dragon or a griffin, heck, I'd take something like those clunky looking minotaur arms."
Arcing a brow, I looked over the entirely serious looking unicorn, "Might I ask why?"
Don't get me wrong, it was interesting to say the least, and making a pony into some sort of chimera being sounded like fun, but I couldn't help but be curious.
She just turned to her side and pointed at her plot, "You see this? You see this cutie mark? It's a harp! An instrument designed and made by griffins." She then shoved her forehooves in my face, "You see these? These are hooves. Have you ever tried playing the freakin' harp with hooves?" She almost yelled before pulling back, "I can play with my magic, but the tones just aren't the same, the grip affects them and I've hit a wall. Now tell me how much it costs to get me some freakin' fingers!"
...Okay, I think I can work with this. Sure, Ponies weren't as fearful of Griffins as they had been back in the day, but I could at least have a little fun with this...
(((())))
I will say, Miss Heartstrings seemed rather pleased with her new set of griffins claws (Although, personally, I think her confectioner 'roommate' enjoyed them more, once she clipped the talons back a bit), and the sight of a griffin-clawed pony seemed to finally instill some imagination in the ponies. Body Modification quickly became a big thing, apparently (Although Princess Celery put the kibosh on making any more pegacorns, although...technically she only said I couldn't give Pegasus Ponies Unicorn Horns and I couldn't give Unicorns Pegasus wings...She didn't say anything about, say, Thestral wings or changeling horns...Maybe something to think about...), but the next big surprise was a relatively simple change, but with so many possibilities.
((((((((((())))))))))
I looked at the stallion before me for a few moments, more than a little surprised at what I'd heard. In fact...
I took a moment to pop off my ears, dropping them into the trash before pulling a couple new ones out of my desk. Testing them with a couple snaps, I looked back to him, "Could you repeat that?"
The stoic stallion looked me in the eyes without hesitation, "Ah said ah want you to make me into a mare."
...Oh, there were some prime jokes I could make here, 'Sorry, but I think we should just be friends.', 'Shouldn't I take you out to dinner first?', 'Oh, what would our friends think?', 'What would my/your parents think?' and of course, 'Sorry, but I'm waiting until marriage.'
But again, I could only ask, "Why?"
Not that it mattered, I'd still do it, but again, curiosity.
"Ah, Ah've never felt quite right like ah am, like ah was never right in mah own pelt. Ah checked every book in the library an' Ah even checked with the doc' at the hospital, but he said there weren't nothin' they could do fer me. So ah...Ah just came to accept Ah was stuck like this, feelin' like a stranger in mah own body. Ah tried to forget it in mah work but..." The crimson stallion hesitated, looking around for a moment before looking at me with watery eyes, "But then one day ah met him and...and..."
Oh please, no... I thought, already feeling the headache coming on.
"Ah love 'im!" The stallion broke down in sobs, wrapping his forelimbs around me, "Ah loved 'im the moment Ah saw 'im, but he, he's into mares! Ah kept seein' him makin' eyes at her an' it hurt so much but then I heard what you can do an'," He started sobbing again as he started to squeeze, "An' it was like a gift from Celestia, Ah could be set right, be what Ah was s'posed to be, an' Ah, Ah Might be able to..." Okay, I'm pretty sure I felt something pop that's not supposed to pop, "Ah need this! Ah know he might not choose me, but Ah wan' a chance! A chance to be right an' a chance to be with 'im Please, Discord, ya gotta help me!"
"All right, all right!" I yelled, popping out of his grip. I don't deal with crying well and, seriously, I think he crushed a vertebrae or something. I really hope whoever he has his eye on is a sturdy fellow.
Taking a moment to realign by spine, I looked at him, "Call me a romantic, but I'll do it," Maybe I am a romantic...Or maybe I just want to see his sister's face when she sees him next, and whoever this stallion is, his reaction would probably be even better.
(((((((((())))))))))
After that I went to work smoothing him over into a her, shifting around a few internal organs and, of course, replacing certain organs with certain other organs not present before.
It took me about ten minutes...
What? I'm an artist, I take my time when I'm sculpting my work.
And I apparently did a rather good job, given the looks the new mare got as she stepped out of my tent. Hanging up an "Out for lunch" sign, I popped to a prime viewing spot, grabbed some popcorn and watched as my latest creation turned heads all over, some by unknowing stallions, some by mares who seemed to recognize her cutie mark.
A few of those mares screamed in despair towards the sky...I guess she was pretty popular as a he.
"B-Big Mac'!"
My attention was immediately drawn back to my latest work (She may have to change her name, I think something like Red Gala would probably be fitting, or maybe Macarana...Sure it has nothing to do with apples, but it fits the nickname and it's a fun song, so sue me!).
I was right by the way, the look on Applejack's face was absolutely priceless! The shock and disbelief in her expression was just to die for.
The best seemed yet to come, though, because Mac trotted her way right past her sister, right past the equally surprised Twilight Sparkle and Rarity, right up to...
Oh, now this was just perfect!
The entire marketplace seemed to go quiet as she marched right up to Sparkle's young assistant whelp and planted a big, wet one right-on-his-lips!
That moment, that moment right there!
After the monotonous, unimaginative wishes, the barely worth my time mane changes, all the tediousness was worth it just for this moment!
At that moment, I was content with my business...
Oh, what am I saying, it could be better, it can always be better...Maybe I can open up shop in Manehattan...
My answer to the latest Writer's Training Grounds on EquestriaDaily.
Sadly, I don't have a pic for clawed Lyra (As cool as it might look), but for Bic Macareina/Red Gala/Whatever-Genderbent-Name-You-Choose...
(Pic not by me)
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This is HILARIOUS!
I beg of you, please do more!
Comedy...Gold...I LOVE THIS!
Please...PLEASE keep this story going! It is the funniest Discord story I've read in a long while!
oh dear god that was gold!
please! you must give us MOAR!
I see you too are training. Perhaps you would like to read mine and we can evaluate each other?
*Claps* Moar!
Best Discord! more of this, I demand it in the name of her Royal Highness Lady High Sunny Butt!
Oh this is soooo very good
Gotta give Big Mac props, he's got bal- wait...
I have to admit, this surprised me. The misspelling of 'business' in the title made me expect a total train wreck, but other than a few misspelled words and punctuation hiccups, it was pretty good. Very entertaining.
..,..............my jaw is on the floor. that chapter ending. wow. No words
Your title... it instantly made me think of Megadeth. You are awesome just for the title.
All I have to say is:
and
3871492
Well, in my defense, I just busted this out over the course of a few hours, there's no Spell Check on titles, and I missed I think one spelling thing in the story itself, I think that's par for the course for me.
Still glad you liked it
3871365
Not anymore he doesn't
3871741
Megadeth?
3872252
You don't know of Megadeth?! Heresy!!
Just kidding. Here is a link to that album specifically.
Oh god yes! Must.......have........moar. Ok. I'm suing you cuz I died from over exposure to AWESOMENESS!
Hmm, yesh.
This was pretty good, and I eagerly beg for MOAR!
Okay, this was hilarious, and I love the idea of Discord doing the evil genie routine. Can't wait for more.
ohhhh sweet mother of god that ending and that ass. to the new Shipmobeal
...huh.
Well I better go shopping for a nice rug
CAUSE I JUST GOT FLOORED!
BY THE HEAVENS!
*bows down before author*
I did not see that ending/ship coming, was expecting a Caramel or a Braeburn but damn, him!? GLORIOUS.
That ending was...unexpected, hilarious, and downright great.
What a wonderfully unexpected ending to a wonderful story! I would love to see more of these as fun little shorts, it seems to fit Discord very well and you can have fun with the setting. Even if you don't do more, it's still a wonderful story!
I loved that ending so much, I've reread it about three times now.
You, sir, are a genius. And I would love to see more of this, if you were interested in continuing.
Why yes, this does deserve to be a longer story. Please do write additional chapters.
I think a quote from Mr. Ages fits well here.
"GREAT JUPITER!"
Well, Big Mac likes...Spike. Um.
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw310_small.jpg
In any event, great story! I'd love to see more.
... well this goes on the shipping wall...
I love you for this story.
*puts on some Megadeth
Okay, now we're good.
*starts reading.*
*Grins and applauds* Bravo! I confess if you ever feel inclined to answer more of these wishes I'd love to see it.
Ooh... you could do something with this, you could.
Great premise, and it's pretty well written, but I'm a little skeeved out by the treatment of transsexuality here. A) Mac's first scene plays into the pernicious misconception that trans women transition to attract straight men. B) She's kind of the butt of the joke, here. There's not anything wrong with having a trans person as a comedic character per se, but there's a tangle of offensive stereotypes that make it difficult to do in a non-harmful manner, especially when you've already brought point A to mind.
I guess I'm not totally sure what parts are meant to be funny, here.
So many possible things that could be done with the concept.... A weird romance story or just Discord screwing around. Not sure which sounds better.
I think the first part of this should sum up my thoughts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZrgxHvNNUc
This is beautiful... I DEMAND A SEQUEL AND A COMPLETE FIC!
I couldn't stop laughing. Also love the perspective on this one, writing in discord style.
I can't say I love the discord episode for it's value alone, but I very much DO love the discord episode for all the discord-themed fiction coming out because of it. You go, writers, you go.
Truly, this was a great fic. The tonality was great, and the laughs were many.
That ending.
You've earned yourself a new subscriber.
My throat is sore from laughing. That ending was unexpected.
This has a lot of potential.
3876840
I'm sorry, I meant no offense. A.) I do realize not all do as such. There was a small throw away line before he started crying where I kinda tried to imply he didn't feel right like he was, like how some don't identify with the gender they are physically, but I guess it was kinda rushed (Remember, I wrote this in four hours when I normally take quite a bit longer to write).
And B.) I didn't mean her to be the but of the joke, but the catalyst, the one who's presence triggers the comedic effects and expressions, although I don't quite get how she's the butt of the joke.
As for the funny bits, it's just the parts you find funny. Don't worry if you don't, because not all of us share the same sense of humor. Just laugh at what you want and, if you don't want to laugh at anything in this, then I guess I'm just not the comedian for you.
3879488
I did appreciate the earlier line about never feeling quite right, it at least shows you're trying. But it's phrased in a very vague manner and the second half of that sentence is about her feelings for Spike, which are stated more emphatically. This makes it sound kind of insincere and robs it of emotional weight.
B was the point I was less sure about; it's something that's more of an impression I got than anything I can logically pin down. I can really see that she's the catalyst, as you said. The part I was specifically concerned with was the scene where she makes the request of Discord. I was trying to figure out if her transsexuality was the joke there, or if it was Discord's reactions.
The story is written very well for time short time spent on it, but it's understandable if it doesn't perfectly convey your intent.
P.S:
None do, really. That just isn't how it works. (Though admittedly if you had chaos gods taking requests, you might get more people falling into a fuzzy boundary area.)
3879545
I might add in a bit to that line over the next few days, but I'm a bit busy with a couple things.
For now, let's just say I'm only a half-way sensitive ol' sod.
You realize you can't end it here, right? This needs at least three chapters, not many more though.
OH Dear Celestia! Please tell me that there will be more of this?!!??!?!!??!?!
...I'm not entirely sure how I feel about Spike/Big Mac...
I will say this, though. That was hucking filarious!
This is the most fun of the Discord fics from the EQD prompt I've read yet. Discord's pretty natural and comes off funny without overdoing it. Good show.
Damn... Discord does some good work; I know I'm probably taking this way too seriously, but I sincerely hope Spike gives Big Mac a shot. Oh yeah, and the story was funny too I guess... *Just messing with you.
*
You should continue this! It was great, I really enjoyed the idea and premise, as well as reactions and names.
So on that note...
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/328/813/8d6.jpg