Text Tuesday

by Sausagefanclub

Albert Wesker Does Some Stuff

Once upon a time Mario studied physics. As established previously, this caused him to lose his ability to jump high. Also he tried to break a brick block with his head and suffered some serious brain damage. This and his obsession with mushrooms is the reason why he speaks in such an unusual voice.

On the plus side, he is now Dr. Mario!

Dr. Mario laughed manically because he’s a doctor now and used his magical pills to create a portal that would kill everything. The portal sucked up everything in the video game world ever and dumped it out into Equestria because you only live once. So I guess it didn’t really kill them, but I don’t care.

Meanwhile Pinkie Pie was bouncing around in her basement, telling a nearby Albert Wesker that she was still blue.

Albert Wesker nodded. “Ah, yes. That news never gets old.”

Suddenly, a portal opened up in Pinkie Pie’s house and spat out Ash Ketchum! Ash looked around menacingly, then grabbed a Pokéball. “GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL!” He then hurled the Pokéball at Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth and swallowed the Pokéball. “Mmm, that was delicious! Could use some whipped cream, but I’m not complaining! Got any more?”

“Darn, I have to get its health down first!” Ash ran forward at super speed and flicked Pinkie Pie with his finger.

Pinkie laughed. “Stop it, that tickles!”

Ash grabbed another Pokéball and slammed it into Pinkie’s head. Pinkie turned into red energy and was absorbed into the Pokéball.

Ash did a fist pump. “Yeah! I did it!!!”

Albert Wesker sighed. “Well, it appears I shall have to take matters into my own hands…”

Discord appeared, holding a bucket of delicious paper. “Yup. Too bad nobody’s here to help you.”

Suddenly, a wild Waluigi appeared! “Wah!” the skinny purple man declared.

Albert Wesker held up his test tube and absorbed the Waluigi into it. “Now I have my own minion. Prepare for battle, young child.”

Ash’s eyes locked with Albert Wesker’s as a Pokemon battle began.

Ash threw out a Pokéball, and Pinkie Pie emerged. “Go, Pinkie Pie!”

Pinkie Pie looked back at Ash inquisitively. “Go where?”

Albert Wesker drank the essence of Waluigi from the test tube, then gained the powers of Waluigi and summoned a Waluigi minion. “Proceed, Waluigi.”

Ash pointed at the Waluigi. “Pinkie Pie, use Lick!”

Pinkie Pie turned around and licked Ash’s face viciously, causing him to take 80 damage. “Did I do it right?”

Albert Wesker gave the Waluigi a hammer. “Use this weapon to gain the upper hand.”

The Waluigi jumped high into the air, yelling “WAAAAAAAAAH!!!” as it slammed the hammer into the Pokémon trainer’s head. Ash lost all his health and vanished out of existence because that’s what Pokémon trainers do when they lose.

Pinkie Pie cheered. “Woohoo! I lost!!!”

Albert Wesker smiled. “No one interrupts my friends while they are informing me about their color. I take my colors very seriously.”

Discord pointed at the portal. “Uh, don’t look now, but more stuff is coming out.”

Pinkie Pie looked at the portal. A Medusa head floated out and turned her to stone.

Discord shrugged. “I told her not to look. Not my fault.”

Albert Wesker took out his vial of Unstonification Serum. “It is quite convenient that I chose to bring this particular item with me today.” He poured it on Pinkie Pie and revived her.

Pinkie Pie pouted. “Aw, but I was having fun! I’ve never been a rock before!”

Albert Wesker put his hand on her head. “Do not worry Pinkie Pie, I know what being a rock feels like. Tomorrow I shall tell you all about my experiences as a rock, granted that you finish informing me about what color you are.”

Rainbow Dash came out of the closet. “Is the story over yet?”

Discord shook his head. “I don’t think it’s even halfway over yet. The whole closet idea isn’t really working out for you. I think you should just accept that your fate for this story is sealed.”

Rainbow Dash sighed. “I was never seen again.” She went back in the closet and was never seen again.

Link stepped out of the portal.

Discord waved to him. “Hello! Who might you be?”

Link waved back, and opened his mouth to speak. “hah hyah hah hah, hah hah, hyah hah, hyah hah hyah!”

Discord nodded. “Yes, yes… very interesting. Now please go away, as nobody can understand a thing you are saying.”

Link lowered his head in shame and crawled back into the portal.

Waluigi flexed his muscles. “It’s Waluigi Time!” He began to rise into the air and charge up his power.

Albert Wesker took his sunglasses off and vaporized the Waluigi with his new laser eyes. “I had to destroy my minion before he gained enough power to rebel against his master. But do not worry, I can create another one if necessary.”

Pinkie Pie stuck her head into the portal and looked around. “Anything else in here?”

Albert Wesker crawled out of the portal.

Discord looked at the Albert Wesker standing next to him, then back to the Albert Wesker standing next to the portal. “Albert Wesker, is there something you’re trying to tell me?”

The Albert Wesker near the portal held out a test tube. “I am Albert Wesker. Prepare to die.”

The real Albert Wesker sighed. “It is me from the video game universe. This Albert Wesker is more genocidal than me. In fact, his body count is even higher than that of Granny Smith.”

The video game Albert Wesker released a ton of zombies, who began to summon more Genghis Khans.

Discord backed away. “Uh oh.”

The real Albert Wesker wielded a test tube. “It is okay, my friend. We shall battle to the end.”

Discord nodded. “This may be the toughest battle of my life… let us hope for the best.”

The zombies charged at them.

Discord snapped, and the other Albert Wesker and his zombies all turned into cacti. “…Phew, I really thought I wasn’t going to survive that.”

Reimu Hakurei came in and sprayed millions of bullets everywhere.

Discord and Albert Wesker were never seen again. Pinkie Pie survived because she’s blue. Also because she took shelter in the closet.

While inside, Pinkie Pie discovered a secret document. She smiled and a tear fell from her eye as she read it…

She finally understood why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.