A collection of short, nonsensical stories I type on a whim. New stories added whenever I feel like it.
I did this thing once where every Tuesday, I would type a short fanfiction I came up with off the top of my head and email it to my friends. I decided I might as well share the stories online and see what the internet thinks.
Contains light continuity and discontinuity, slightly inappropriate jokes and characters dying excessively. Also Albert Wesker.
In the beginning, Lauren Faust created the day and the night.
She realized she would need someone to watch over the day and night, so she created two alicorn sisters to control the time.
Over the decades, the two mares got lonely. But there was no way to create more alicorns through natural means, and Lauren Faust had already used most of her power to create Equestria.
They decided to use their magic to create newer, albeit less powerful ponies. Unfortunately for them some rumors were spread, eventually leading to the creation of incestual fanfiction.
But they decided not to worry about that. They had a kingdom to run.
One day, the younger sister noticed that all the ponies were asleep whenever she was awake. She tried to wake them up, but they simply shooed her away and went back to sleep.
She was infuriated, assuming she was being ignored simply because she was more socially awkward than the elder alicorn.
Meanwhile a villain who looked nothing like the alicorn of the night appeared and began to cause havoc.
She was banished to the moon about 2 minutes after she started her reign of terror.
For some reason the younger sister was never seen again for 1000 years. But eventually she came back. Nobody really noticed, or cared. Except the older sister, but whatever.
Oh, and also a town made entirely out of crystals vanished for 1000 years too. And there was a pretty statue located in Canterlot for 1000 years too.
Then a pink pony pointed nowhere in particular, claiming she had seen a human. This led to her starting a television sitcom with her friend Lyra, called “I Saw a Human”. It lasted about 4 days before it was cancelled by Discord’s toothbrush, who had recently gotten engaged to Colgate. They decided against the marriage eventually though, after Trixie helped Colgate realize her true love was herself.
Oh and Mario recently studied physics, so he can’t jump high anymore.
…
Lauren Faust looked back at what she had done, and cringed.
This is the story of Trixie and her quest to find true love.
Once upon a time Trixie was bored. She had already destroyed all the wheels in town, and Equestria’s peanut butter cracker supply was dangerously low. So she decided to go on an adventure.
Five months later she returned to her home with a million bits, some jewels, a few ancient relics and a muffin. But she was still bored.
Suddenly for no particular reason she decided she wanted to fall in love or something. The problem was, there weren’t very many stallions out there, and the guy typing this story usually only likes straight shippings so she couldn’t try going the other way without the story ending abruptly.
She decided to search for her true love anyway. So first she started stalking the brown guy who liked to hide in blue boxes. She confronted him when he exited his box, only for him to instantly go back inside and slam the door in her face. When she tried to seduce Big Macintosh, he said “Nope.” and went away. Trixie even tried to ask out Soarin before realizing he was already married to an apple pie.
Depressed, Trixie went home and looked at herself in the mirror.
Suddenly, she saw the most beautiful pony she had ever seen.
Her true love had been right there the whole time.
“Oh, The Great And Powerful Trixie! You look gorgeous!”
“The Great And Powerful Trixie could say the same thing about you, The Great And Powerful Trixie.”
“The Great And Powerful Trixie… The Great And Powerful Trixie thinks she may have deeper feelings for you.”
“R… really? The Great And Powerful Trixie feels the same way about you!”
“The Great And Powerful Trixie, will… will you go out with The Great And Powerful Trixie?”
“YES!”
Trixie leaned forward and made out with her bathroom mirror.
Also Link recently studied language arts. He failed, but he learned how to communicate by saying “Hah!” and “Hyah!”.
One time Derpy dropped her muffin in an inconveniently-placed hole. Oh no!
She reached into her mailbag and attempted to make a rope out of several unused envelopes to get it back. Sadly, it wasn’t long enough. So she asked a unicorn to get it for her. The unicorn said she was allergic to muffins and walked away.
Derpy sighed and sat on a bench. A mint green unicorn passed by on the way saying that she was sitting the wrong way.
Suddenly Derpy had an idea! She picked up the bench with her superpony strength and threw it into the hole.
…well that accomplished nothing.
In the meantime, all her derping around had attracted a lot of attention. Six bronies had already faded into existence through force of will just to witness this.
Then Derpy remembered she was a princess and she had special powers. Princess Derpy used her horn to levitate the muffin out of the hole, then cheerfully trotted away.
Once upon a time there was a giant floating disembodied gloved hand in Equestria. PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE™ decided to greet it, but she didn’t know how to do it.
Pinkie Pie decided to jump up and give it a great big hug. The hand tried to hug her back, but it ended up squeezing her too hard and she exploded into confetti. Realizing its mistake, the hand frantically pointed toward the hospital. Unfortunately it accidentally poked it and destroyed it. Bandages flew everywhere. Three ponies who had been planting flowers screamed “The horror, the horror!”.
Meanwhile another giant gloved hand was walking on its fingers rapidly, destroying several houses. Applejack tried to kick it into oblivion, but it stepped on her and she burst into a ton of apples. Rainbow Dash, seeing what was happening to her friends charged into the second hand and knocked it down. The hand screamed, curled up and died.
The first hand was heartbroken at the death of his brother, making a fist and smashing it down onto Rainbow Dash. A flurry of rainbows squirted out from where the late Rainbow Dash had formerly been located. For some stereotypical-fanfiction-related reason everypony that the rainbows touched turned into lesbians, including the stallions. Fluttershy scolded the hand, telling it to learn some manners. The hand tried to crush her too, but she stared at it, causing it to relent. It decided to let her off with a warning. Fluttershy sighed and walked away. Then she exploded into butterflies for no apparent reason.
Rarity, seeing how everypony was exploding, looked at her cutie mark and had a great idea. She grabbed a needle, stabbed herself and combusted. Sharp diamonds went everywhere. They stabbed the hand, which fell to the ground in a bloody mess.
PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE™ glowed her horn and everypony came back to life and they lived happily ever after. Except the hands. They died forever.
Oh and PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE™ flew to the castle.
Pinkie Pie looked in the mirror and gasped loudly. Today, she realized… she was PINK!!! “OMIGOSH! I always wanted to be pink!!!” She ran to Twilight’s library to spread the news. “Hey Twilight! I’m pink!”
“Yes Pinkie Pie, you are pink.” Twilight said without paying much attention to her.
“I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!” Pinkie Pie dashed out and ran into Rainbow Dash. “Hey Rainbow Dash, I’m pink!!”
“Just don’t think about it too hard.” Rainbow Dash flew into the sun and was never seen again.
“Huh. She has strange priorities.” Pinkie said as she bounced to Fluttershy’s house. “Hey Fluttershy, I-“
Fluttershy shouted as loud as she could, charged up her power and blasted Pinkie Pie with a Final Flash.
Pinkie Pie coughed and wiped off the ashes that had gotten on her. “Oh, sorry. I can see you don’t want to be disturbed.” She hopped away and went nowhere in particular. She ended up encountering Albert Wesker. “Hey Albert Wesker! I’m pink!”
Suddenly Discord came up and touched her head. “Now you’re blue. So shut up.” He disappeared as Pinkie Pie turned blue.
Rainbow Dash was flying one day when suddenly she decided to stop flying and fell TO DE GROUND!!!!!
But Fluffle Puff caught her. Rainbow Dash sunk into her massive coat of fur and was never seen again.
Meanwhile Fluttershy was doing nothing.
Meanwhile the members of the Royal Guard were planning an attack on Princess Celestia because she wasn’t paying them enough. The plan was to throw a rock at her, which would cause her to fall unconscious as they put duct tape around her horn to block off the signal. Once she woke up, she would be distracted by the rock forever and then Luna would take over for her. And then the Royal Guards could quit and work somewhere else, like the Krusty Krab or something.
Suddenly Princess Celestia popped in on their private conversation, turned them all into ashes and replaced them with new identical-looking guards who were completely happy with their jobs.
Meanwhile Pinkie Pie was telling Albert Wesker she was blue. Albert Wesker took off his sunglasses and threw them into the air. The sunglasses exploded and tree trees rained from the sky. One landed next to Applejack. She kicked the tree tree, and small trees fell out of it. One fell through the ground and turned into a seed. A beautiful Fluttershy sprouted out of the ground instantly.
“Ya see something new every day…” Applejack said to herself.
A pair of sunglasses landed on Fluttershy’s face, causing her to say “Deal with it”.
And so Applejack dealt with it.
Pinkie Pie never figured out why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Granny Smith stuck her head out the window and sniffed the air. “The time… it has come.”
She took out a wooden cane and walked downstairs. She went into the kitchen and knocked on a secret panel 68 times, then waited exactly 33 seconds before knocking on it again. The wall spun around, and a magic door was revealed on the other side. Granny Smith walked through and entered the human world. She greeted Santa, then stole his hat and put it on. She dissolved into the hat and went into the world of candy canes. Kirby was there, sucking on a candy cane. She jumped into his mouth and had a long conversation with his sentient tongue about what the best kind of crust for an apple pie is made of. They decided burned human flesh was the best kind of crust, and Granny Smith got back to her business. She jumped out of Kirby’s mouth and went to King Candy Cane. She ate him whole, and replaced him with the wooden cane she had brought earlier. She gained the power to generate and shoot anything that rhymed with “cane”. She made a new cane, then got on a plane and flew to Neverland. She stole the Neverscepter and used it to make sure Santa was never born. The resulting paradox caused Granny Smith to be teleported to the inside of the Apple Family’s cupboard that was locked from the outside. She grabbed the key to the cupboard and opened it.
She and several empty bottles spilled out of the cupboard. “My bottles! You are free!!!”
One bottle fell from the top shelf and cracked open.
“I suppose you’re right, dead bottle. Freedom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, but I need your assistance now! Our time has come!” She tapped a few of the bottles with her cane as a test. Two of them exploded, and she tossed their ashes out the window.
“Alright, now here’s the plan: we are going to take over Equestria with the power of broken glass! And Matt Bennett!” Granny Smith raised her cane and summoned Matt Bennett and his guitar.
Rainbow Dash was walking around in the sky, and noticed some ashes had been thrown out the window of Applejack’s kitchen. “Don’t worry, Applebob! I’ll save you!” She flew into the window just as Granny Smith was explaining her plan to Matt Bennett. Her head whipped toward Rainbow Dash. “Did you hear our plan?!”
Rainbow Dash backed away slowly. “Um… no?”
“HOW DARE YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION TO OUR BRILLIANT PLAN!!!” Granny Smith yelled as she and the bottles rose up to attack.
Rainbow Dash was never seen again.
“Now, MARCH!” The bottles went everywhere, scattering across Equestria.
Albert Wesker slowly took off his new pair of sunglasses as he witnessed the amazing sight of millions of empty glass bottles flying through the air.
Discord went to get a refill on his popcorn.
PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE™ blasted the bottles with her magic and 99% of them died, causing glass shards to rain down and kill everything. But she brought everything back to life and the remaining 9001 bottles continued their quest. They assumed their positions above everyone’s heads. Matt Bennett prepared to play his broken glass song.
Suddenly, Matt Bennett changed his mind and started pounding on Granny Smith’s head with his heavy guitar! She was beaten into a bloody pulp, but she died of old age before any vital organs were fatally damaged.
Applesteve screamed like a girl and yelled at Matt Bennett. Matt was arrested for wearing glasses.
Gunther faded into existence and broke a bottle. A chain reaction occurred, causing every bottle in the world to break at the same time. Gunther was crowned the new lord of Equestria, Celestia was banished to the sun for no reason and everyone lived happily ever after.
Except the giant gloved hands. They’re still dead.
Sweetie Belle opened her eyes. “SWEETIE BELLE ON. INITIATING SEQUENCE ‘WAKE UP’.”
Sweetie Belle flew up into the air, moved a few feet to the right, then floated back down to the ground. “LOADING NAÏVE SMILE.” Sweetie Belle suddenly started smiling for no reason.
Rarity’s voice came from downstairs. “Sweetie, are you awake? I need your help!”
Sweetie Belle exploded, leaving a giant crater in the middle of her room. She reappeared next to Rarity. “WHICH FORM OF ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED, MASTER?”
“Which of these socks looks better on me, this one or that one?” Rarity held up two socks that looked exactly the same.
“INVALID. BOTH SOCKS MAKE YOU LOOK WORSE AND ARE 100% ALIKE.” Sweetie Belle incinerated the socks with a laser.
“Sweetie Belle, I spent 10 years making those socks! How dare you!” Rarity pouted.
“YOU ARE INEFFICIENT. THERE IS NO LONGER ANY USE FOR YOU. DELETING SISTER…” Rarity was picked up by a cursor and dropped into a recycle bin. “DELETING PERMANENTLY…” The recycle bin exploded, leaving no traces.
Applejack walked in. “Hey Sweetie Belle, have you seen my apple? Ah must have misplaced it here earlier.”
Sweetie Belle nodded. “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. SCANNING. SCANNING. SCANNING. SCAN COMPLETE. AN APPLE HAS BEEN LOCATED INSIDE: SWEETIE BELLE’S STOMACH. RETRIEVING APPLE…”
Applejack backed off. “Eh, no thanks. Ah don’t want it anymore.” She ran away and started a successful reality television series about Lyra and the hundreds of centaurs and anthros she was hoarding inside her house.
“UNIT ‘SWEETIE BELLE’ IS NOW ALONE. INITIA-“
“Hey, there’s still us!” Sweetie Belle’s parents came into the room.
Sweetie Belle deleted them immediately.
“UNIT ‘SWEETIE BELLE’ IS NOW ALONE. INITIATING APPROPRIATE REACTION.” Sweetie Belle drowned herself in tears and died.
Sweetie Belle reappeared next to Apple Bloom. “ACQUAINTANCE ACQUIRED.” Sweetie Belle drowned herself and Apple Bloom in tears of joy and they died.
Apple Bloom reappeared next to Discord Wesker. “I AM THE SUPERIOR. SWEETIE BELLE HAS BEEN TERMINATED.”
Discord Wesker scratched his head. “Wait, what? I didn’t create you. Where did you come from?”
“IDENTIFY YOURSELF FIRST.”
“I am Discord Wesker, the fusion of Discord and Albert Wesker. We are now 6 times more powerful.”
“MY MISSION IS TO EXTERMINATE ALL MEMBERS OF THE WESKER FAMILY.” Several guns protruded out of Apple Bloom’s face.
Discord Wesker snapped his fingers and Apple Bloom turned into another Discord Wesker.
“Hello, my beautiful creation! I shall call you Daskord.”
“I AM NOW A WESKER, THEREFORE I MUST BE EXTERMINATED.” Daskord exploded.
“Ah, such a shame. I would have invited it over to my place for some delicious paper. Oh well, back to chaos!!” Discord Wesker unleashed many zombies upon Equestria.
Rainbow Dash was never seen again.
5 centuries later Discord Wesker decided he was tired of being Discord Wesker, so he melted into the ground. A beautiful grove of Fluttershies sprouted up from where Discord Wesker once stood.
Discord and Albert Wesker fell out of the Fluttershies. “Well, that was sufficiently amusing. We should do this every week.” Albert Wesker said.
And so they went to Fort Wesker and devastated the entire world on a regular basis. Everyone lived happily ever after.
Except for Rarity, who still couldn’t decide which sock to wear.
Apple Bloom was at Sweet Apple Acres, playing with her pet apple when suddenly Diamond Tiara came in. “My apple is sooo much better than your apple. It has two stems, and yours only has one! Ha ha!”
Apple Bloom examined Diamond’s apple closely. “Nah, you just split its stem in half. And it has three worms in it.”
The worms ate Diamond Tiara’s apple, and the core rotted and fell to the ground. Diamond Tiara threw a tantrum and ran away.
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle came out of the barn. “SCOOTALOO, I HAVE ALREADY CONFIRMED THAT YOUR SCOOTER IS NOT LOCATED WITHIN THIS FACILITY. WHY DO YOU CHOOSE TO CONTINUE TO SEARCH INSIDE IT?”
“I need to find it. It’s the only scooter I have! Except the one in that bush near your house, the one Twilight is storing for me in her basement, the one I hid in the closet in Rainbow Dash’s house that she never opens and the one that Fluttershy’s dad is keeping safe in his stomach. And the ten extra ones I have at home.” Scootaloo said.
“YOUR INTELLIGENCE IS SEVERELY AND TRAGICALLY LIMITED. CONSIDER YOURSELF FORTUNATE THAT I HAPPEN TO HAVE SELECTED YOU AS MY ACQUAINTANCE.”
Diamond Tiara came back. “Looks like your friendship isn’t as stable as you thought it was! Ha ha!” She stuck out her tongue.
“Go away, Diamond Tiara.” Apple Bloom said, annoyed.
“FINE! I HAVE PLENTY OF THINGS I’D RATHER DO THAN BE NEAR YOU BLANK FLANKS!!!” Diamond Tiara threw a bigger tantrum and ran away again.
“HER INTELLIGENCE IS NOTABLY MINISCULE COMPARED TO YOURS, SCOOTALOO.”
“Wow, that must be REALLY low!” Scootaloo said with a smile.
“I SUGGEST WE RETURN TO MY RESIDENCE AND ACQUIRE ONE OF YOUR EXTRA SCOOTERS, SINCE MY SYSTEMS HAVE CONFIRMED YOUR PREVIOUS SCOOTER HAS BEEN KILLED IN BATTLE.” Sweetie Belle teleported them to the bush near her house before they could reply.
“Ya forgot mah apple!” Apple Bloom protested.
“NEGATIVE. APPLE HAS BEEN TRANSPORTED TO: SWEETIE BELLE’S STOMACH.”
Apple Bloom, for a moment, considered joining her sister to work on her reality television series.
“NOW RETRIEVING SCOOTER.” The scooter was lifted out of the bush with magnetic power. “SCOOTER HAS BEEN FOUND. INITIATE CELEBRATORY SEQUENCE.” Sweetie Belle began to vibrate, attempting to simulate dancing.
“No, wait. Something’s wrong…” Scootaloo took a closer look at the scooter. “There’s a…”
“…Message saying ‘Blank Flanks Suck!’ painted on it? Yup, all me! Ha ha! Stupids!“ Diamond Tiara shook her rump at them. “You don’t have Cutie Marks!”
“Gettin’ reeeal tired of your crap, Diamond Tiara.” Apple Bloom grumbled.
“What the heck is wrong with you?! You know you’re not wearing anything, right?” Scootaloo said.
Diamond Tiara blushed with embarrassment, and stopped taunting them.
Scootaloo continued. “And I wasn’t talking about that message anyway. I have that written on all my scooters so that it’s pointless for you to try writing it since it’s already there. I was just going to say it’s kinda dirty. Sort of like your mind.”
Diamond Tiara got angry. “How would you know I’ve been shaking my plot at ponies I’m secretly attracted to?!”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders went silent.
Sweetie Belle broke the silence after a minute. “SCAN COMPLETE. DIAMOND TIARA CONFIRMED AS INSANE, OBNOXIOUS LUNATIC.” Diamond Tiara was vaporized instantly. “DELETING MEMORY FROM THE PAST TWO MINUTES.”
Suddenly they all got their Cutie Marks. It was a picture of Diamond Tiara’s head.
Apple Bloom groaned. “Even in the afterlife, she’s STILL following us?!”
“Suddenly being a Blank Flank doesn’t seem so bad.” Scootaloo said.
Discord appeared. “Did you know there are TWO meanings for ‘Blank Flank’?”
Scootaloo scratched her head. “Huh?”
“Just don’t think about it too hard.” Discord flew into the sun.
“Derpy! What’s taking you so long?” The Doctor called out. She was supposed to meet him at the TARDIS fifteen minutes ago. “I don’t have time for this… wait, actually I do.” He went back into the TARDIS and travelled forward 30 more minutes to the time when Derpy would finally arrive. He walked out of the TARDIS doors again to see her waiting for him. “Ah, Derpy. Nice to see you again.”
“What did you call me for, Doctor?” Derpy inquired.
“I’ll explain later. Get in the TARDIS.” The Doctor made a gesture for her to follow him, holding the door open. “Say, when did you get that crown? And how did you get that horn on your head? Wait, wait, don’t tell me… you became a princess?”
Derpy giggled. “Of course I did, silly. Remember? You took me to the human world. They loved me so much they made me a princess. By the way, sorry I’m late. I dropped a muffin in a hole and I had to pick it up.”
“I don’t remember doing that yet… must have been a future version of me. Well, there’s something to look forward to.” The Doctor looked at Derpy’s muffin, which she was still carrying. “Are you still planning to eat that? It’s dirty now.”
Derpy was already chewing the last bite of the muffin. “Dirty?” She spit out a bit of chewed muffin, and it landed on the floor.
“Well, too late for that.” The Doctor said.
Suddenly another TARDIS materialized inside the TARDIS. The Doctor came out of the new TARDIS. “Derpy, don’t eat that muffin!”
“Sorry, I’m afraid you… er, I’m too late.” The present Doctor said.
“Oh, darn. I probably shouldn’t exist right now since this will never happ-” The other Doctor and TARDIS vanished from existence.
“Anyway, we need to go to the year 23489775 to save the world again.” The Doctor said. “Is there anything you want to do before we go?”
Derpy nodded. “I need to-“
“Good. We’ll do it when we get back.” The Doctor started up the TARDIS and the blue box disappeared.
“I’ve always been rather fond of that sound.” Discord commented.
The Doctor stared at him. “What?”
“Problem?” Discord said with a grin.
“How did you get in my TARDIS?”
Discord raised an eyebrow. “Duh, I’m Discord. Also I brought Albert Wesker. He’s wandering around in some other room right now.”
“Get out of the TARDIS, Discord.” The Doctor pointed at the door.
“Oh, fine. I just wanted to be in the story again.” Discord walked out and started floating about in a random area in time and space.
The TARDIS landed on a distant planet that nobody really cared about naming.
The Doctor and Derpy pushed on the door and stepped out. “Well, here we are!”
A Dalek popped out of a bush and exterminated the Doctor instantly.
“No!” Derpy put her hooves around him as he breathed his final breath.
“Derpy… before I go, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you...” The Doctor coughed.
“What is it, Doctor?” A tear rolled down Derpy’s cheek.
“Don’t forget to return your library book on Saturday…” The Doctor’s head dropped and he collapsed.
Derpy, crying, boarded the TARDIS and returned to Ponyville in her proper time.
Suddenly the Doctor’s body began to glow with light. His mane style changed, along with his facial features. He sat up. “Great scott! How long have I been out?” He checked his surroundings. “Oh, only about 30 seconds…”
He looked back up at the TARDIS. “Dangit! She stole the TARDIS!”
Meanwhile Derpy was piloting the TARDIS like a maniac, laughing evilly. She crashed the TARDIS into Cloudsdale and all the hidden explosives inside the clouds finally went off, causing a gigantic explosion.
“Hey Fluttershy, look what I found while I was looking in your closet without your permission!” Rainbow Dash descended to the ground carrying a dangerous round object.
“Be careful, Rainbow Dash. It could be dangerous.” Fluttershy warned.
“Aw, relax. It’s just a bomb. How bad could it be?” Rainbow Dash pulled out a match and lit the fuse.
Fluttershy decided to kick the bomb down a hill before something bad happened.
Rainbow Dash shrugged and flew to her cloud house. She bashed her head into the door and broke it to get inside. She narrowly avoided the spikes that had been installed in the floor and sat on her couch.
Slowly, she sunk into the couch’s cushions until she fell right through the entire thing. She plummeted to the ground as a giant fireball enveloped her body.
She fell through a hole in the roof of a building titled “Danger: Acid Factory”.
Fortunately, the ponies who built that factory are huge liars and they were actually making pillows. They just wanted them all for themselves.
Rainbow Dash landed on a conveyor belt which conveniently happened to have a large pillow resting on it. The conveyor belt inconveniently happened to be moving toward two swinging sawblades, apparently for disposal of defective pillows.
Rainbow Dash went straight into the sawblades, where she was converted into a fine powder. The tiny pieces gathered on the ground, perfectly forming together to reconstruct Rainbow Dash who was completely unharmed. She walked out of the factory and fell into a pit of misplaced lava. Spike was floating in the middle of the lava, taking a nap. Rainbow Dash landed on him, causing him to sink a bit. She quickly flew out before he sunk completely. Spike, to his delight, found that he had a nice tan when he woke up.
Rainbow Dash went to PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE™’s house and filed a complaint that she was having too many near-death experiences. She found a note saying that PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE™ was busy doing Pretty Purple Pony Princess Paperwork for the rest of the century, and wouldn’t be available until after Rainbow Dash had already passed away. The note also said that the library was now death-trapped because PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE™ didn’t want any more books to be stolen. The floor opened up to reveal another deep pit, full of very appealing books. If somepony fell in there, they would never be able to stop reading and expire from lack of sleep.
Rainbow Dash tried her hardest not to look at the Daring Do books and flew to the exit. “Hm… Rarity is missing, Applejack is still doing that TV series, and I think I know what will happen to me if I’m left alone with Pinkie Pie again. I should complain to that pegasus I always hang out with.” She went to the animal-filled cottage near the outskirts of Ponyville.
Derpy materialized on the front porch.
“Ah, there you are! I was looking for you.” Rainbow Dash said.
“How did you know I was here?” Derpy asked in surprise.
“I used my magical rainbow powers.” Rainbow Dash made an overly dramatic pose as a color spectrum coincidentally formed itself above her head.
“Whatever you say. What do you need?”
“I seem to have a habit of almost dying a lot. Can you fix that?”
“As my associate would say, your near-death experiences are a fixed point in time. If one were to interfere with them, bad things would happen.”
“So, wanna interfere with them?”
“Sure, why not.”
Discord crashed to the ground, creating a giant flaming crater. “Ah, finally. I was beginning to grow tired of floating around in time and space, so I drifted into Equestria’s gravity field. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give that landing a rating of french toast.”
Derpy glared at him. “Discord, stop worming your way into my stories.”
“Hey, don’t worry! This time I’m actually involved in the plot. I’ll just do some chaos stuff and change history so that Rainbow Dash doesn’t die anymore.” Discord snapped his fingers. A giant tornado began to form. “Oh, by the way there may be a few side effects. Such as my entire idea failing completely. Bye!” Discord disintegrated into a pile of fruitcakes which fell to the ground as the whole world began to change. For a split second Derpy began to look a lot like Albert Wesker, but the effect wore off instantly.
Rainbow Dash and Derpy’s vision went black.
Rainbow Dash woke up at the bottom of a random hill with Derpy lying next to her.
“Rainbow Dash, where are you?” Derpy said, looking around.
“Derpy, I know your vision isn’t that impaired. I’m right in front of you.”
“I can’t see anything though. Everything’s gone dark.”
The pile of fruitcakes began to speak. “Oh, I destroyed all the light in the universe. Nopony can see now except for Rainbow Dash, who has her magical rainbow powers. Think of it as my way of keeping the running gag intact while keeping you alive.” The fruitcakes spoke no more, as Derpy began to eat them with no care whatsoever as to whose consciousness was inside.
“Oh, thanks!” Rainbow Dash smiled with blatant disregard to the tragedy of everypony going blind.
Albert Wesker walked out of the TARDIS with several Time Zombies. “Yes, these will do nicely. Excellent additions to my army.” He picked them up and stuffed them in his pocket somehow. He noticed there was also a moldy fruitcake in there. He pulled it out and wondered if he should eat it.
The fruitcake began to speak. “Greetings, my friend. I may require a bit of assistance converting to standard form.”
“I find it odd that Discord, the embodiment of chaos, is incapable of reversing transformation.” Albert Wesker said flatly.
“Oh, no. That isn’t what I meant. I can turn back to normal whenever I feel like it. I meant that I needed help with my algebra homework.” Discord returned to his regular shape and held out a few chewed up pieces of paper.
“Mm yes, I see. Very interesting. Have you tried corrupting the math teacher?”
“Oh, silly little Wesker. You still have much to learn about me, my friend. I AM the math teacher!” Discord held up a textbook titled “Discord’s Book of Maths (Discord-approved!)”.
Derpy was wandering around aimlessly, trying to figure out where she was going.
“What is she doing?” Albert Wesker said, pointing at her.
“I destroyed all the light ever. Nopony can see now except for Rainbow Dash. And me and you because I’m Discord and you’re Albert Wesker.”
Derpy walked up to the pair and bumped into Albert’s legs. “Ow. And who would you be?”
Discord picked her up and stroked her mane. “Now now, relax, my little pony. Nothing’s going to hurt you. We shall travel across the stars and bring friendship, chaos and zombies to the entire universe!”
“Discord, I know that’s you. I can recognize your voice.” Derpy said.
“Yes, and is there something wrong with me?”
“If I listed everything that’s wrong with you we’d be standing here for days.”
“That’s what I like to hear! And now we go!” Discord, Albert Wesker and Derpy went back into the TARDIS to travel to faraway lands.
“Ooh, what does this do?” Discord pressed a shiny red button, causing the TARDIS to spin out of control.
“Hm. I like this button.” Albert Wesker pressed the button as well. The TARDIS caught on fire. It began to try to crash into nearby planets in an attempt to knock out its unwanted passengers, but Discord was able to restrain it from moving around too much.
“Can I try?” Derpy pressed the button for the third time. All of reality fell apart and time began to reorganize itself.
Discord woke up in a bed. “Actually, I like this dream.” He immediately went back to sleep.
Fluttershy woke up on her couch. “Oh my, did I doze off again? Why was I dreaming about Discord sleeping in a bed?” She went upstairs to her bedroom and saw Discord had stolen her bed.
Lyra woke up in a dark alley. “Odd dream... What did I do last night?”
Derpy woke up in the TARDIS. “I’m getting tired of these recursive dreams… huh, I’m not blind anymore. That’s good.”
Discord walked in through the door. “Don’t worry, I can fix that.” He tied a blindfold around her.
“DESTROY!!!” Derpy turned around and bucked Discord in the face.
“You could have politely asked me to leave, you know.” Discord left.
The Doctor walked out of the broom closet. “Good news, Derpy! Reality’s been reset! Meaning I’ve been magically transported back inside the TARDIS, and I have my old face back!”
Discord walked in through the door. “Don’t worry, I can fix that.” He threw the Doctor outside. “Now, back to chaos!!” He flew the TARDIS into the sun.
Rainbow Dash woke up in her bed. “Hey, I’m alive!”
Albert Wesker walked in through the door. “Don’t worry, I can fix that.”'
Bob marveled at the portal he had put together. He had spent his entire young life trying to build a doorway to Equestria, even though My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic didn’t exist back when he decided to start building it.
His heart was beating fast. He had no idea what could happen as soon as he entered. Slowly, he took a golf club and dipped half of it into the portal. When he pulled it out, it was pink and covered in happiness and love and rainbows.
Excited, he threw himself into the portal.
After years of persuasion and paperwork, he settled down and married his favorite pony. They grew old together and died.
Granny Smith woke up in her bedroom. “YES! The demon spell worked! I am once again in the realm of the living!”
She went to the bottle cabinet and opened it. Unfortunately, all the bottles were gone.
“My bottles have been kidnapped?! This is an outrage! I will not allow myself to be stopped by these equine creatures again!” Granny Smith pulled out a magnifying glass and sniffed around the nearby area. She saw a piece of paper attached to the ceiling. It read: “Dear Granny Smith, if you wish to have your bottles back you must pass my five trials. Come to my legendary castle of wonder to start.”
“Where in the whole wide world of Apple Land am I going to find that nitwit’s castle?”
Granny Smith looked out the window. There was a giant arrow-shaped sign pointing toward a castle.
“There is simply no indication as to where it could be located! I shall have to resort to my alternative plan.” She put on a dark cloak with a hood and went to the Black Market which is actually colored white.
A passing pony spotted her. “Hey there, Granny Smith! Interesting choice of clothing you got there…”
Granny Smith turned toward her. “No! Granny Smith is not here! I am not her, I am… Joe!”
“Okay then… ‘Joe’. See you later.” The pony evaporated.
Joe shook her head. “This town gets more interesting every day.” She reached the market and knocked on the counter of an empty shop a thousand times.
Discord rose from under the counter and started barking. Screwloose rose up as well, wearing a trench coat. “You’ll have to excuse my pet. It does that for every visitor.” She gave Discord a piece of paper and it calmed down. “I’m quite impressed with how many times you were able to knock on my counter without stopping. You’ve actually sort of made a groove in it. That’s bad for business, so I’m charging you ten times as much for whatever you’re going to buy.”
“Bye.” Joe left.
“Darn, I really thought raising the prices would encourage her to buy more.” Screwloose said disappointedly.
Joe went to the White Market which is actually colored black and knocked on the counter -1000 times. Albert Wesker rose from the depths and started meowing. Granny Smith rose up as well and gave Albert Wesker a capsule containing a zombie virus to play with. “Apologies about my pet. It’s very affectionate.” She looked at Joe closely. “I am astounded that you have somehow managed to knock on my counter a negative amount of times. Strangely enough, it’s created a bump in the table. That attracts a lot of customers, so I’ll give you a 90% discount. What would you like to buy?”
“Someone has kidnapped my army of empty bottles. I require new ones to avenge my death!” Joe said fiercely.
Granny Smith stared at her. “You don’t seem very dead to me.”
“Do not evade my request! I can call the higher-ups and they can replace you with the snap of a… um… hoof!”
“For the love of Gunther, calm down. I’ll check the shop inventory to see how many empty bottles we have left.” Granny Smith left for a moment.
Joe began to get impatient. “She is taking too long!!!”
A few seconds later, Granny Smith returned carrying 2 bottles. “Alright, here you go! That’ll be 300 bits.”
There was no response.
Granny Smith looked over the counter. All that was left of Joe was a rotting pile of bones.
“Rainbow Dash was never seen again.” She whispered for no apparent reason.
The author sat down, pulled out his laptop and prepared to type a new story. “Hm… who should it be about this time?”
Bob poked him. “Can I be in the story again? The last one I got was really short.”
“No Bob, you already lived your life. Be glad you got what you got. Why are you even here? You’re already dead.”
“Albert Wesker turned me into a zombie.” Bob showed his decaying arm.
“Ah. Well you can help me with the story. What should it be about?”
Discord raised his hand.
“No Discord, I know what you’re thinking about and it’s not appropriate for the people reading this story.”
Discord lowered his hand, then raised it again.
“No. That’s even worse.”
Discord pouted and left.
“Maybe I should make it involve Rainbow Dash again.”
Suddenly Rainbow Dash crashed in through the window and crushed the laptop. “There! Now I won’t die again!”
“Rainbow Dash, my laptop is made from Time Lord technology.”
“So?”
“So, this.” The laptop glowed with regeneration energy, a stray beam blasting Rainbow Dash into the sky. Rainbow Dash was never seen again.
The author picked up the new laptop and got back to work. “I need an idea…”
Discord raised his hand, but he wasn’t in the room at the moment so the author didn’t know about it.
“What about me?” Derpy asked.
“Oh, Derpy. You know you’ll always be my favorite pony, but if I put you in too many stories it’ll be too heavily biased toward you.”
“It seems pretty heavily biased toward Discord and Albert Wesker at the moment…”
“Okay, fair point. If it’ll make you happy I’ll put you in this one, okay?”
Derpy beamed. “Thanks, mister author!”
“Alright, I think I know what to do now.” The author started typing the new story.
Once upon a time Derpy was frolicking in a flowery meadow. Suddenly, a wild communist attacked!!! “Go, Rainbow Dash!” Derpy threw a Poniball. Rainbow Dash popped out and charged up her power. “Hyaaaaaaaaaaah!!!” The power grew so intense that it engulfed Rainbow Dash. She was never seen again.
“Nooo! Rainbow Dash! Alright then… go, Discord!” She threw another Poniball. Instead of coming out of the Poniball, Discord crawled out of the communist’s mouth. He was covered in half-digested junk food. “This guy needs to eat a better diet. Fruit and dairy, let’s go try it!” Discord took the communist to McDonalds. He force-fed him several Big Macs, as well as a few Applejacks. The communist got too fat and exploded.
“Aw, I wanted to have more fun with him.” Discord whined.
“That can be arranged.” Derpy tossed out Albert Wesker, who infected the communist with a zombie virus. Discord, Derpy, Albert Wesker and the McDonalds employees then proceeded to punch the communist viciously.
Liberty Prime’s giant foot came down and crushed the building, destroying the communist entirely.
Rainbow Dash was never seen again.
The author stopped typing. “Alright, how’s this?”
“You said Rainbow Dash was never seen again twice…” Derpy said.
“You’re right, that probably wasn’t enough. I’ll do more next time.”
“Can I be in that story too?” Derpy asked with pleading eyes.
“Derpy, I… fine.” The author sighed.
“Thanks!” Derpy leaned forward and gave the author a warm hug.
Discord appeared. “Okay, enough with the wish-fulfillment. I’m typing the next one.” He took the laptop and prepared to type the most fantastic story ever devised.
All was well in Discordville. The hands were blooming, the mailboxes were singing and tons of rocks were raining from the sky, as usual.
Discord got out of bed and flexed his amazing muscles. “What a beautiful day!” He looked outside and waved at his neighbor, Mister Rogers. Mister Rogers waved back, then took out an Emmy Award and propped the window open to let in the fresh air.
Discord went into the kitchen and pulled some french toast out of the freezer. He put it in the oven and set it to bake at 3000 degrees for 5 seconds. 2 seconds later he reached in while the oven was still on and pulled out a nice steaming bowl of delicious paper. "Ah, perfect!" He took the bowl of paper over to the couch and turned on the television to see what was on.
An image of Discord appeared on the screen. Unamused, Discord changed the channel.
An image of Discord appeared on the screen. Discord's eyes gleamed with delight. "Ooh! This is my favorite show!"
Discord called toward the basement. "Albert Wesker, get over here quickly! It's that show we like!"
Albert Wesker quickly put his zombie viruses back in the toy bin and ran out to sit on the couch with Discord. "This is excellent. I've been waiting for Season 6 of this show to come out for two years. What did I miss?"
"You missed the part where Discord appeared. Fortunately for you, you still have the part where Discord appears to look forward to!" Discord answered as he stared at the television screen intensely.
"Oh good, Discord is my favorite character. After all, he's the one with all the amazing chaos powers and such." Albert turned to Discord. "Who's your favorite character?"
Discord put a talon up to his chin and thought for a while. "Hm... to be honest, I can't decide who my favorite character is. But I have to say, my least favorite character is Discord. He's always getting on my nerves."
Albert Wesker nodded. "Yeah, same here. I don't think anyone likes Discord. That's why Discord is the main character instead of Discord."
The television exploded.
Discord sighed. "Alright Wesker, just give it to me straight. How many days does my television have left to live?"
Albert Wesker held a thermometer to the television's heart for a few minutes as Discord looked on with deep concern, biting his fingernails.
Suddenly, the television opened its eyes and coughed. "Oh jeez that was a close one, guys... what happened to me?"
Discord sighed and wiped the sweat from his brow. "Don't worry buddy, it's okay... you're alive, and that's what matters."
Discord, Albert Wesker and the McDonalds employees then proceeded to embrace the television set, who began to feel a little uncomfortable.
"Uh... guys? You've been hugging me for, like, an hour now... I'm just a television set."
"Just a little longer..." Discord whispered.
The hugging continued for another hour until finally it was interrupted by a knock on the door.
Discord sighed and went to open the door. "What's up?"
Granny Smith whacked him in the head with her cane. "The bottle invasion shall continue!!!"
Discord pulled up his sleeve to reveal an anchor tattoo. "Not if I can help it!" He tackled Granny Smith and started punching her viciously.
Granny Smith took the opportunity to use her secret weapon. "Help! Help! Discord is hurting a helpless old pony!"
Several ponies instantly surrounded Discord and started chanting. "GO! GO! GO! GO!"
Granny Smith scowled. "Not the reaction I had been hoping for."
Discord jumped high into the air and did a 360 Backflip Rollspin Split-Kick Karate Chop, slamming into Granny Smith's face.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Granny Smith cried as she exploded into millions of pieces.
The audience cheered as Discord showed off his rippling muscles. "Mares, mares, please contain yourselves."
But it was too late. All the mares had already buried Discord, begging him to marry them.
Meanwhile, the spirit of Granny Smith rose up and began to chant The Ancient Rhyme of the Grannies.
"Come to me my empty bottles, it is time to take over the author's novel! This will be the end of their reign! Now, I will make my bottles... uh... rain!"
The rocks falling from the sky all turned into empty bottles. The broken glass shards rained down and pretty much killed everything.
But not all was lost! Discord had been shielded by the mares! He rose up, more powerful than ever because he was also a Super Saiyan 5.
Albert Wesker ran outside. "What's happening?"
Discord pointed at Granny Smith. "She is ruining the chaos of Discordville by killing everything! If there are no more victims, then I'm out of a job!"
Albert Wesker nodded. "You know what we have to do."
Discord closed his eyes and smiled. "It's funny... I had a feeling this would be how it ends."
Rainbow Dash crawled out of a manhole. "It's time already?"
Derpy Hooves fell from the sky. "Looks like it." She sighed. "It's time to do what must be done."
Discord flexed his muscles one last time and charged up his power. "I'll miss you guys."
Using the last of Discord's power, Discord, Albert Wesker, Rainbow Dash, Derpy Hooves and the McDonalds employees fused their bodies into one. They had transformed into McDerpcord Dasker.
A tear fell from McDerpcord Dasker's eye as it absorbed the negative power of the bottles to charge up an explosion.
Granny Smith's ghost took a break from her killing to check on them. "Wait, what are you doing?! NO!!!" She charged toward them, but it was too late. McDerpcord Dasker exploded, destroying everything in the universe ever, Rainbow Dash was never seen again, the end.
...You know, they probably would have been better off letting Granny Smith do what she wanted, huh?
“Oh boy, this sure is a fun thing!” the plucky heroine exclaimed.
All of a sudden, the sky grew dark. All the ponies dashed back into their houses. Thunder rained down upon Ponyville, setting houses on fire and burning them to a crisp.
“Wait, wouldn’t that be lightning?” the confused heroine inquired.
Unfortunately for the unfortunate heroine, I am her god and I choose what happens in these stories. Thunder is now the new lightning. All the cool ponies are gonna say that in school now.
Thunder struck the house, cutting through the roof and zapping the electrified heroine.
Rainbow Dash was flying overhead and saw the burnt heroine through the hole in the roof. “Don’t worry, the endangered heroine! I’ll save you!”
Rainbow Dash was struck by thunder and was never seen again.
The surprisingly unharmed heroine stood up. “It’s a good thing I applied some thunderblock to myself this morning. I only took 99% of the damage!”
But the safe heroine was not safe for long. Monsters were already beginning to spawn in the darkness!
Zombies started running up and pounding on the troubled heroine’s door, trying to break in.
The amused heroine laughed heartily. “Not even the army of Genghis Khan can get through that door! Trust me, they’ve tried.”
Suddenly the TARDIS materialized inside the laughing heroine’s house.
The Doctor walked out the door. “The BBC has told me that I have to execute you for making references without their permission.” He took out his Sonic Screwdriver and set it to Kill Mode, causing the targeted heroine to explode into thousands of pieces.
The true heroine laughed even heartilier. “Haha! I anticipated this! That was a decoy!”
Derpy Hooves came out of the TARDIS and smashed The Doctor on the head with a sledgehammer. “Sorry about that, he’s going through a phase at the moment. He actually made up that whole thing and he just wanted to have an excuse to kill something. Doctors have to kill something at least once a year to keep from going insane, just so that they can feel satisfied knowing that they were a very important factor in someone’s life.”
The distracted heroine stared at Derpy blankly. “I didn’t pay attention to any of that.”
Meanwhile the zombies had been chanting ancient spells, and summoning hundreds of Genghis Khans. The Genghis Khans were already charging up their Genghis Giga-Blast Breaker Beam.
Derpy reached toward the mint-green heroine. “Hurry! Grab my hoof!”
The obedient heroine did as she said. “Okay, now what?”
“Nothing. I just wanted you to grab my hoof.” Derpy pushed the nearby heroine away, dragged The Doctor’s unconscious body back into the TARDIS and disappeared.
The deceived heroine stared at where the blue box had been. “…Why?!”
The Genghis Khans shouted out the name of their Genghis Giga-Blast Breaker Beam, then blasted it at the door.
But during the time that they had been calling the name of their attack, the clever heroine had already teleported out of there before they could blast her.
The relocated heroine appeared in Rainbow Dash’s house. She didn’t fall through the clouds and die because her great grandfather’s second cousin twice removed was a cloud. That makes sense, right?
Rainbow Dash greeted the heroine. “Hello! This is where I respawn every time I become never seen again!”
A giant spider spawned in the corner of her house.
She stared at it. “Oops, I guess I forgot to put a torch over there.”
The spider jumped high into the air and slammed into Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash was never seen again.
Rainbow Dash respawned next to her bed, and stared at the spider again. “Uh oh.”
The spider charged her.
Rainbow Dash was never seen again. Rainbow Dash was never seen again. Rainbow Dash was never seen again. Rainbow Dash was never seen again. Rainbow Dash was never seen again.
“Friggin camper…” Rainbow Dash groaned as she became never seen again for an eighth time.
The currently untargeted heroine decided to sneak outside while the spider was still distracted.
However, the oblivious heroine did not expect to see a super swag yolo gangsta hiding right outside the door, then get tackled and get beaten up.
Fortunately, that didn’t happen.
The athletic heroine kept running until she came across a scary forest. “Aha! This is the perfect place to hide!” She paid Slenderman the $20 fee in order to enter the forest, then set up camp for the night.
A green thing that definitely did not resemble a male body part at all snuck up behind her. “Hey, that’sss a nice body you got there.”
The attractive heroine turned to face it and blushed. “Aw, thanks! You look okay too.”
“Yesss, yesss. Anyway, it would be a ssshame if sssomething were to… happen to it.”
The naïve heroine nodded. “Yeah, I guess that would be pretty bad.”
“Well, sssee you later.” The green thing that definitely did not resemble a male body part at all walked away.
The sleepy heroine yawned and went to sleep.
Suddenly, the green thing that definitely did not resemble a male body part at all sprinted back and promptly blew up the stupid heroine.
The reasonably paranoid heroine laughed heartiliest. “Haha! That was another decoy! The awesome heroine never sleeps!”
The conceited heroine turned around and came face to face with a spooky skeleton. It was too spooky for the spooked heroine, who immediately fainted and fell asleep.
Three days later, the sleeping heroine woke up and found herself surrounded by zombies. She quickly pulled out her bazooka and blasted them all away. Sadly, this was the one day where an eclipse happens that makes zombies immune to bazookas. The screwed heroine curled up in a ball, terrified for her life…
Albert Wesker appeared.
“HUMAN!!!” The human-obsessed heroine instantly wrapped her hooves around Albert Wesker in a very tight embrace.
Albert Wesker sighed. “Please contain yourself, my little pony. There’s plenty of me to go around.”
“But… these zombies are trying to hurt me!” The cowardly heroine whined.
Albert Wesker chuckled. “Silly female, you must realize that my zombies are not evil, just misunderstood. I didn’t send these zombies to hurt you, I sent them to celebrate your birthday.”
The surprised heroine glanced at the zombies and realized that they were wearing party hats, and one of them was holding a birthday cake. “Wait a second… it’s not my birthday. And what was the deal with the thunder and lightning, and The Doctor trying to kill me, and the Genghis Khans, and the spider, and the super swag yolo gangsta that wasn’t actually there, and the green thing that definitely did not resemble a male body part at all, and… that extremely spooky skeleton?”
Albert Wesker shrugged. “I was told that’s how ponies like their birthdays to be celebrated.”
The upset heroine gave him a stern look. “Who would tell you something like that?”
Discord appeared.
The I’m-running-out-of-adjectives heroine glared at Discord. “Oh, of course it was you. It’s always you.”
Discord gasped. “How could you say such a thing? I know I’m the spirit of chaos and all, but I would never intentionally ruin a pony’s birthday party. Even I have my standards.” He then turned all of the zombies into cacti.
The confused again heroine raised an eyebrow. “Who else could it be, then?”
Granny Smith appeared.
The now angry heroine glared unheartily at Granny Smith. “So, it was you! Why don’t you just give it up already?”
Granny Smith frowned. “Silence, you insignificant equine! You are too stupid to speak! Even Demon Grannies have to respect the sanctity of a ‘birthday party’, because it brings the ‘birthday pony’ one step closer to joining us!”
The confused again again heroine sat down. “Well, I’m out of ideas. Who else could it have been?”
Suddenly, the ground shook violently, dark power and whatnot spewing everywhere. All the Fluttershies in the forest ran away, terrified of the oncoming threat.
“And now the true culprit is revealed!” Discord announced.
Two giant gloved hands rose from the depths.
The satisfied heroine smiled. “Oh yeah, it’s you guys!”
The hands nodded, then went to go make Rainbow Dash become never seen again some more.
All in all, it was one of the adjective heroine’s better days.
The Ten Cagemandments - On Scootaloo and Intelligence
The school bell rang as all the fillies ran into the school place. Cheerilee, the teacher, had hung up a sign saying “no colts allowed”, because she hated Featherweight due to a lifelong rivalry between their two Demon Grannies, but she didn’t want to look bad by being biased against a single student, so she made it look like this was a girls-only school now.
Scootaloo tried to climb through the window, but she didn’t know it was closed so she was constantly bumping her head against the glass. Cheerilee sighed and picked her up, carrying her into the classroom.
Scootaloo sat down and stared at the whiteboard excitedly. “So, what are we going to learn today, Miss Cheerilee?”
Cheerilee glared at her. “That’s Professor Cheerilee to you, Scootaloo.”
Scootaloo nodded. “So, what are we going to learn today, Miss Professor Cheerilee?”
Professor Cheerilee started scribbling something down on the board. “Today, we will be learning how to avoid Discord.”
Discord appeared. “Hello, class!”
Professor Cheerilee backed away. “Oops. I forgot I’m not supposed to mention his name.”
Discord turned Professor Cheerilee into a cactus. “Trust me, I did you all a favor. I’m a more fun character than she is!”
The entire class cheered as Discord showed off his rippling muscles.
Discord pulled out a stick. “Now, today we will be learning how to- you know what, screw it. Teaching is boring.” Discord turned the stick into paper and ate it.
Scootaloo raised her hoof.
Discord pointed at Twist. “Yes, Twist?”
Twist looked confused. “I’m… not the one raising my hoof.”
Discord nodded. “Excellent question, Twist. Indeed, who is Nicolas Cage? That is what today’s lesson will be about.”
Twist raised one eyebrow. “Uh… that wasn’t a question. And I didn’t even mention Nicolas Cage.”
Discord nodded again. “I am astounded by your display of your extensive knowledge about Nicolas Cage! A bit creepy if you ask me, but very detailed. And now, I shall teach you more about Nicolas Cage… in the form of a song!”
Scootaloo raised her hoof.
Discord pointed at Sweetie Belle. “Yes, Sweetie Belle?”
Sweetie Belle looked confused, but responded anyway. “WOULD IT NOT BE MORE EFFICIENT IF THIS LESSON WAS PRESENTED IN THE FORM OF A LECTURE?”
Discord shook his head. “What a preposterous suggestion! Singing is how you ponies always get things done around here! Let’s have a show of hooves. How many of you small, vulnerable creatures will side with this unusually monotone outcast?”
All the fillies raised their hooves because they’re all huge eggheads. Except for the foreign exchange student Slyijhutitotul Jenkinsonnaletoop, who is actually an omelettehead.
Tears came to Discord’s eyes. “But… but why?”
Scootaloo raised her hoof.
Discord pointed at Apple Bloom. “Yes, Apple Bloom?”
Apple Bloom put on ten pairs of sunglasses. “It’s because we’re the new generation, yo. We don’t like no music, cuz it’s all rap nowadays, bro. Yolo swag hip gangsta dawg.”
Discord sighed. “Darn newfangled generation. Anyway, first of all, Nicolas Cage is a member of the human species.”
A mint-green blur whizzed into the room. “Did somepony say human?!” Lyra said with a big smile.
Discord nodded. “Yes, feel free to join the class whenever you wa-“
Lyra immediately sat down next to Discord.
Discord moved a few steps away. “So, first of all, Nicolas Cage-“
Scootaloo raised her hoof.
Discord pointed at Albert Wesker. “Yes, Albert Wesker?”
Albert Wesker stood up. “Will there be zombies in this lesson?”
Discord nodded. “There will be now!”
Albert Wesker nodded back, then sat down.
Lyra instantly propelled herself into Albert Wesker’s arms, holding him tightly.
Discord pulled out a new stick and pointed it at the piece of paper with Nicolas Cage on it. “Now, I will need to let you know that Nicolas Cage follows a strict set of guidelines called the Ten Cagemandments.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof, and spoke before Discord could ignore her again. “How many Ten Cagemandments are there?”
Discord ignored her again. “The first Cagemandment is to always be Nicolas Cage and slay all Nicolas Cages who are not truly Nicolas Cage.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “Am I Nicolas Cage?”
Discord continued to ignore her. “The second Cagemandment is to never pretend something else is Nicolas Cage.” Discord looked at the paper with the picture of Nicolas Cage, then quickly tossed it into his mouth. “Mmm, papery.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “What happens if I put my hoof in the blender and turn it on?”
Discord looked away from her. “The third one says to never take Nicolas Cage’s name in vain.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “Didn’t you just say Nicolas Cage’s name in vain?”
Discord looked toward Twist. “Yes Twist, but I’m Discord so it doesn’t matter. The fourth Cagemandment is to remember the Nicolas Cage day, which happens every Saturday night.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “How can it happen at night if it’s called Nicolas Cage DAY?”
“Good question, Twist. The answer is I don’t care because I’m Discord. So, the fifth Cagemandment is to honor Nicolas Cage. No matter what.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “Even if he crossdresses?”
“Yes Twist, ESPECIALLY if he crossdresses. Now, the sixth Cagemandment is to not kill Nicolas Cage.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “What if he commits suicide?”
Discord pretended Scootaloo was not there. “Seventh of all, you can’t cheat on Nicolas Cage.”
Scootaloo backed away. “Uh… what does that mean?”
Discord pictured Scootaloo wearing underwear. “The eighth one is to never steal from Nicolas Cage.”
Scootaloo scratched her head. “Is it bad that I snuck into Nicolas Cage’s house last night and kidnapped his wife?”
Lyra’s ears drooped down slightly at the mention of the word “wife”.
Discord continued to shun Scootaloo. “The ninth one is to not lie to Nicolas Cage.”
Rainbow Dash raised her hoof.
Rainbow Dash was never seen again.
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “Uh, what did you do to Rainbow Dash?”
Discord put a giant cork in Scootaloo’s mouth. “The tenth Cagemandment… don’t covet Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage belongs to everyone, not just you. But enough about the Cagemandments, that’s the boring part of this lesson! Let’s meet Nicolas Cage himself!” Discord made loud coughing and gagging noises, then spat Nicolas Cage out of his mouth.
Scootaloo spat the cork out and pointed. “Hey, it’s Nicolas Cage!”
Nicolas Cage ran over to Scootaloo and kicked her into space. “YOU DON’T SAY?!”
Albert Wesker stood up, still cradling Lyra. “So, my dear friend, whatever happened to the part in the lesson that involved zombies?”
Discord shrugged. “I forgot on purpose because I wanted to see how you’d react.”
Albert Wesker put Lyra down. “Very well then. I shall react appropriately by taking matters into my own hands.” He tossed several test tubes full of zombie viruses into the classroom, then called in his zombie friends. They bit everything and reanimated it.
Rainbow Dash was seen again.
Discord looked at Nicolas Cage admiringly. “You know what, Albert Wesker? I like him. I think we’ll keep him.”
Applejack stared down at her plate. “Granny, when am ah gonna get mah apple?”
Granny Smith was working feverishly in the kitchen. “Silence, granddaughter of mine! The preparations are almost complete!”
Applejack stared at her plate more intensely. “Forget you, Granny. Ah don’t need your darn apples. Ah’ve got so much mind power that Ah can make mah own food!” Applejack stared so hard that she broke the fabric of reality.
Granny Smith turned to look at Applejack’s disintegrating plate, gasping in horror. “Applejack, no! Go back while you still can, you imbecile! You have broken the fabric of reality!”
Nicolas Cage appeared. “YOU DON’T SAY?!”
“Silence, you large ham!” Granny Smith hissed. “I am trying to save the universe so that I may destroy it on my own terms at a later date!”
But it was already too late. Applejack had gained the powers of the universe and was using them to reach her telepathic arm into the Spiritual Food World. Applejack’s telepathic arm slapped the Spiritual Food King really hard, then threw a rock at it which made it get distracted by the rock forever. The arm then reached into the Spiritual Food King’s pocket and yanked out the Pancake of Destiny. Applejack teleported the Pancake of Destiny onto her plate and prepared to devour it.
Granny Smith rushed toward Applejack. “STOP! THERE IS A VERY GOOD REASON WHY WE HAVE CHOSEN YOUR NAME TO BE APPLEJACK, NOT FLAPJACK!”
Applejack licked her lips and tossed the Pancake of Destiny into her mouth, swallowing it whole. “Ah sure do love pancakes and not apples!”
Granny Smith cried out in agony. “NOOOO!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE JUST DONE!!!”
Applejack glowed with energy as she gained the Powers of Pancakia. She started chanting spells in an ancient language.
Discord appeared. “I’m not too late, am I? I hope the movie didn’t start without me.” He reached into his bucket of paper and stuffed a handful into his mouth.
Applejack shouted loud unintelligible words, then used her Powers of Pancakia to give herself horrible pancake poisoning. She then proceeded to use her Powers of Pancakia to remove her Powers of Pancakia.
Granny Smith facehooved. “I am beginning to question your intelligence, which may or may not be even more limited than that of Scootaloo.”
Nicolas Cage gasped. “Guys, we gotta save her! She’s got the poison of the pancakes!”
Discord nodded. “Yes, I see. I would help you, but I’m too busy not helping you. My sincerest apologies.”
Nicolas Cage grabbed Applejack and held her in his arms. “Well then, it looks like it’s all up to Nicolas Cage to save the day once again.” He grabbed a nearby pair of sunglasses and put them on.
Discord took a fresh piece of paper out of his bucket, took a few bites out of it, then handed it to Nicolas Cage. “Here is a map that will help guide you on your journey to find the cure to pancake poisoning. It appears to be damaged in some areas, but that is definitely how it was when I found it.”
Nicolas Cage accepted the map. “Thanks. And without further ado, I am off!” Nicolas Cage grabbed a nearby Indiana Jones hat, jumped onto a nearby vine and swung the heck out of there.
Nicolas Cage landed at a nearby castle of wonder. “Woah! I’ve finally discovered the legendary castle of wonder! I knew that all I had to do was believe in myself, and never not be Nicolas Cage.”
Applejack coughed.
Nicolas Cage’s jaw dropped in horror. Nicolas Cage bent down to pick up his jaw and put it back in his mouth. “Oh no, her condition is getting worse! I’ve gotta go faster!” He put on a second pair of sunglasses. “Like a menner!”
And so, Nicolas Cage ran like an fast men, all the way to the entrance of the castle of wonder. It was there that he encountered the fortress’s first guardian: Luna.
Nicolas Cage attempted to ignore her and walk through the door, but Luna shouted at him in the Royaler Canterlot Voice, which was even louder than the normal Royal Canterlot Voice. “SILENCE!”
Nicolas Cage shrugged. “I didn’t even say anythi-“
Luna tried to punch him but missed, the slight moment of awkwardness causing her to seem less intimidating. “I SAID SILENCE! I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO HAVE A SPEAKING ROLE FOR EIGHTEEN STORIES NOW, AND I AM NOT PLANNING TO GIVE IT UP SIMPLY BECAUSE NICOLAS CAGE NEEDS TO SAVE THE LIFE OF ONE OF THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY!”
Nicolas sighed. “Very well then. Proceed, alicorn of poor priorities.”
Luna puffed out her chest with pride. “Welcome, traveler. I am Princess Luna, guardian of the castle of wonder, ruler of the night, duchess of-“
Nicolas Cage pulled out his remote and fast-forwarded through the first few minutes of Luna’s dialogue.
“-and now that I have formally introduced myself, I shall warn you of the challenges that follow. You must pass three trials: Strength, Speed, and Agility.”
Nicolas Cage was not amused. “Don’t you think Speed and Agility are a bit similar?”
Luna’s eyes widened. Quickly, she ran inside the castle of wonder. A few things could be heard getting moved around. A few minutes later, she came back huffing and puffing. To blow off some steam, she blew down a nearby house made out of straws. The innocent anthropomorphic wolf standing in front of it was misidentified as the criminal and sent to jail forever. “…What are you talking about? There was never a trial about Agility. I clearly stated that the three trials were Strength, Speed, and Intelligence. There were supposed to be five trials, but the trials of Coolness and Attractiveness are still under construction. The guys here are all relatively ugly, so they have a poor concept of coolness and beauty.”
Applejack sniffled.
Nicolas Cage waved his arms frantically. “We’re running out of time!!”
Luna nodded. “Then, without further ado, I present to you your trial of Strength: you must defeat me in a duel!”
Nicolas Cage punched her.
Luna collapsed, breathing heavily. “Well done, brave warrior… you are the fiercest opponent I have ever faced. You may proceed to your next challenge.”
Nicolas Cage ran inside really fast, so fast that he became a faster menner, and sanic hegehog was watching and got so jealous that he got depressed and started drinking alcohol. Nicolas Cage was so fast that he ran right past the trial of Speed, busting open the doors to the third and final trial.
Granny Smith was standing next to a chalkboard. “Welcome, large ham, to the trial of Agility!”
Luna came in and whispered something into Granny Smith’s ear.
Granny Smith grumbled. “Welcome, large ham, to the trial of Intelligence!”
Applejack scratched an itch she had on her neck.
Nicolas Cage, out of shock, tossed Applejack high into the air and barely managed to catch her. “Aaaaagh! She’s reaching the final stages of her pancake poisoning! She doesn’t have much longer!!!”
Granny Smith grinned sadistically. “Then I shall make this quick.” She reached into her hair and pulled out the giant stack of bottles she had kidnapped from herself, then hurled them at Nicolas Cage.
Thinking quickly, Nicolas Cage blocked the blast of bottles by using Applejack as a shield.
Granny Smith scribbled some evil plans in her native Demon Granny language on the chalkboard. “Now, on a scale of zero to ten, how much did that hurt?”
Nicolas Cage laughed triumphantly. “Zero!”
Granny Smith shook her head. “The correct answer was ten! We will have to do a test retake.” She pulled out a second wad of bottles, and threw them at him. However, unbeknownst to everyone’s favorite Demon Granny, one of the bottles was actually a rebel, and it was carrying the antidote to pancake poisoning inside of it. Like the clever yet sociopathic genius he was, Nicolas Cage grabbed the Rebel Bottle and masterfully dodged all the other bottles like a pro.
Granny Smith, seeing that Nicolas Cage had gotten a hold of the Rebel Bottle, screamed so loud that Nicolas Cage’s ears broke but the damage overflowed into a negative number so it actually improved his ears instead. She pulled a rope and opened a trapdoor in the ceiling, releasing a swarm of angry bees.
Nicolas Cage backed away, horrified. “No, no! NO! NOT THE BEES!!!” Thinking quickly, he grabbed a nearby vine and swung the heck out of there.
Nicolas Cage landed back in the Apple Family Place, setting Applejack down on a conveniently-placed stretcher. “I have acquired the antidote!”
Discord clapped. “Bravo, bravo! I never doubted you, Nicolas Cage!” He turned over to Albert Wesker, who happened to be there the whole time, and quietly asked him to take back the money he had bet on Nicolas Cage failing the mission.
Nicolas Cage gave the partially-eaten map back to Discord. “Thanks for the map. I couldn’t have done it without having a map to recklessly ignore.”
Discord took the map and promptly finished it off, licking his lips. “Mm, yes. That’ll be twenty dollars.”
“Hey! Large ham! Show to us the antidote of which you have spoken of, so that I may use this information to my advantage in my next plan to kill everything!” Granny Smith shouted.
Nicolas Cage nodded and began to open the Rebel Bottle.
Discord clenched his fists in excitement. “I’ve been waiting 1,572 words for this!”
Inside the bottle was an apple.
Discord smiled. “Of course! It all makes sense now. After all, Apple beats Pancake in the classic game ‘Apple Beats Everything’. Thank goodness I’m the one who found it, because who knows where else the Apple Family could have found an apple?”
Nicolas Cage, too busy being dramatic to debate who was actually responsible for finding the apple, slowly guided the apple into Applejack’s mouth. “Huzzah! We have done it! Now, as an expert on pancake poisoning, I have dealt with this disease many times before. There is still one remaining thing we must do to cure the poison of the pancakes. Applejack’s health is sealed with a kiss, and only a true kiss of true love truly can truly save her truly. Truly. I’ve watched a lot of Disney movies, so I know it’s true, okay?”
Albert Wesker looked around. “But who does Applejack truly love?”
Nicolas Cage raised his hand. “I volunteer myself as tribute- er, I mean, I volunteer to be the one that gets to try to kiss her first!”
Discord shook his head. “Mister Cage, I think it would be best if you abandoned your secret crush on Applejack before it becomes your central character trait. Besides, we all know that the only thing Applejack truly loves is apples. Look, she’s already reviving!”
Applejack revived anticlimactically.
Nicolas Cage looked down in shame.
Discord patted him on the back. “Do not worry, Mister Cage. You are married to a beautiful woman who was kidnapped by Scootaloo, and therefore your lover already exists.”
Nicolas Cage smiled. “Thanks, Discord. Now I feel a whole lot better.”
Rainbow Dash came out of the closet. “Is that it? Did the story end? Did I finally make it through a Text Tuesday story without becoming never seen again?”
I’m sorry Rainbow Dash, but you were never seen again.
Once upon a time Mario studied physics. As established previously, this caused him to lose his ability to jump high. Also he tried to break a brick block with his head and suffered some serious brain damage. This and his obsession with mushrooms is the reason why he speaks in such an unusual voice.
On the plus side, he is now Dr. Mario!
Dr. Mario laughed manically because he’s a doctor now and used his magical pills to create a portal that would kill everything. The portal sucked up everything in the video game world ever and dumped it out into Equestria because you only live once. So I guess it didn’t really kill them, but I don’t care.
Meanwhile Pinkie Pie was bouncing around in her basement, telling a nearby Albert Wesker that she was still blue.
Albert Wesker nodded. “Ah, yes. That news never gets old.”
Suddenly, a portal opened up in Pinkie Pie’s house and spat out Ash Ketchum! Ash looked around menacingly, then grabbed a Pokéball. “GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL!” He then hurled the Pokéball at Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie Pie opened her mouth and swallowed the Pokéball. “Mmm, that was delicious! Could use some whipped cream, but I’m not complaining! Got any more?”
“Darn, I have to get its health down first!” Ash ran forward at super speed and flicked Pinkie Pie with his finger.
Pinkie laughed. “Stop it, that tickles!”
Ash grabbed another Pokéball and slammed it into Pinkie’s head. Pinkie turned into red energy and was absorbed into the Pokéball.
Ash did a fist pump. “Yeah! I did it!!!”
Albert Wesker sighed. “Well, it appears I shall have to take matters into my own hands…”
Discord appeared, holding a bucket of delicious paper. “Yup. Too bad nobody’s here to help you.”
Suddenly, a wild Waluigi appeared! “Wah!” the skinny purple man declared.
Albert Wesker held up his test tube and absorbed the Waluigi into it. “Now I have my own minion. Prepare for battle, young child.”
Ash’s eyes locked with Albert Wesker’s as a Pokemon battle began.
Ash threw out a Pokéball, and Pinkie Pie emerged. “Go, Pinkie Pie!”
Pinkie Pie looked back at Ash inquisitively. “Go where?”
Albert Wesker drank the essence of Waluigi from the test tube, then gained the powers of Waluigi and summoned a Waluigi minion. “Proceed, Waluigi.”
Ash pointed at the Waluigi. “Pinkie Pie, use Lick!”
Pinkie Pie turned around and licked Ash’s face viciously, causing him to take 80 damage. “Did I do it right?”
Albert Wesker gave the Waluigi a hammer. “Use this weapon to gain the upper hand.”
The Waluigi jumped high into the air, yelling “WAAAAAAAAAH!!!” as it slammed the hammer into the Pokémon trainer’s head. Ash lost all his health and vanished out of existence because that’s what Pokémon trainers do when they lose.
Pinkie Pie cheered. “Woohoo! I lost!!!”
Albert Wesker smiled. “No one interrupts my friends while they are informing me about their color. I take my colors very seriously.”
Discord pointed at the portal. “Uh, don’t look now, but more stuff is coming out.”
Pinkie Pie looked at the portal. A Medusa head floated out and turned her to stone.
Discord shrugged. “I told her not to look. Not my fault.”
Albert Wesker took out his vial of Unstonification Serum. “It is quite convenient that I chose to bring this particular item with me today.” He poured it on Pinkie Pie and revived her.
Pinkie Pie pouted. “Aw, but I was having fun! I’ve never been a rock before!”
Albert Wesker put his hand on her head. “Do not worry Pinkie Pie, I know what being a rock feels like. Tomorrow I shall tell you all about my experiences as a rock, granted that you finish informing me about what color you are.”
Rainbow Dash came out of the closet. “Is the story over yet?”
Discord shook his head. “I don’t think it’s even halfway over yet. The whole closet idea isn’t really working out for you. I think you should just accept that your fate for this story is sealed.”
Rainbow Dash sighed. “I was never seen again.” She went back in the closet and was never seen again.
Link stepped out of the portal.
Discord waved to him. “Hello! Who might you be?”
Link waved back, and opened his mouth to speak. “hah hyah hah hah, hah hah, hyah hah, hyah hah hyah!”
Discord nodded. “Yes, yes… very interesting. Now please go away, as nobody can understand a thing you are saying.”
Link lowered his head in shame and crawled back into the portal.
Waluigi flexed his muscles. “It’s Waluigi Time!” He began to rise into the air and charge up his power.
Albert Wesker took his sunglasses off and vaporized the Waluigi with his new laser eyes. “I had to destroy my minion before he gained enough power to rebel against his master. But do not worry, I can create another one if necessary.”
Pinkie Pie stuck her head into the portal and looked around. “Anything else in here?”
Albert Wesker crawled out of the portal.
Discord looked at the Albert Wesker standing next to him, then back to the Albert Wesker standing next to the portal. “Albert Wesker, is there something you’re trying to tell me?”
The Albert Wesker near the portal held out a test tube. “I am Albert Wesker. Prepare to die.”
The real Albert Wesker sighed. “It is me from the video game universe. This Albert Wesker is more genocidal than me. In fact, his body count is even higher than that of Granny Smith.”
The video game Albert Wesker released a ton of zombies, who began to summon more Genghis Khans.
Discord backed away. “Uh oh.”
The real Albert Wesker wielded a test tube. “It is okay, my friend. We shall battle to the end.”
Discord nodded. “This may be the toughest battle of my life… let us hope for the best.”
The zombies charged at them.
Discord snapped, and the other Albert Wesker and his zombies all turned into cacti. “…Phew, I really thought I wasn’t going to survive that.”
Reimu Hakurei came in and sprayed millions of bullets everywhere.
Discord and Albert Wesker were never seen again. Pinkie Pie survived because she’s blue. Also because she took shelter in the closet.
While inside, Pinkie Pie discovered a secret document. She smiled and a tear fell from her eye as she read it…
She finally understood why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
