My favorite characters on the show are Applejack, Rarity. And my favorite episodes are Sweet and Elite, and Rarity takes Manehatten. And I want my stories to be famous like Cupcakes and Bubbles.
Nyx was a teenager, and everypony forgot about the Nightmare Moon thing (Except for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon). But she thought she met the right guy, but appareantly she was wrong. This does have characters from "Next Generation Elements". Their are some references about Teen Titans in this story.
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Poor Twilight's gonna be a grandmother at age, what, 30 or so?
yay a baby javascript:smilie('
');
love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kinda rushed but still ill be watching
make it come out now please oh and by the way uuuu get a fav!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i like it
How do you do the pony symbols? Can someone please tell me?
She shows signs of being pregnant something like twelve hours after losing her virginity? What.
I suppose next chapter will feature Shady Daze marrying Nyx at gunpoint.
3644316
the character tags? its in the story submission.. menu... thingy.
also wtg you got me to RQ after just the first two lines.
Honestly? I did downvote this. But I never downvote something without an explanation.
This chapter is almost entirely dialogue and extremely rushed through. What little non dialogue there is is spoken in a very passive voice. At the beginning, not only do you not have to use quotes around the names, just flat out saying who her family and friends are makes for a terrible hook. You are literally telling the audience everything instead of showing them. It seems like you wrote this in less than ten minutes with the pacing, grammar, and ideas. Also, punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.
Hey quit being negative…Im still new at this
3644343, i meant the pony symbols in the comments
3644359 Stop being so defensive. If you want to get better, then listen when someone gives you constructive criticism.
And to do
, click on the icons to the right of the box where you type the text.
This is like a cringe story in the easiest form to read and understand. What's not to like!?
3644369 To do the pony symbols, it should be next to the comment box. Also here is a tip. Stories with less than 1k words tend to be ignored/hated for some reason.
3644482
3644316
Stories with less than 1k words can't be submitted, they have to be 1k or over (read the guidelines)
My suggestion: read this guide. It covers a lot of useful things like show vs tell and basic conversation grammar (with examples of what and what not to do). If you pick up a few of its suggestions, it should nicely improve your writing and lead to a more positive response, allowing you to avoid a bunch of those pesky down votes.
Some quick thoughts on the first paragraph:
1. Single word numbers should be written out (sixteen, not 16).
2. Apple Bloom is two words.
3. "Along with her friends Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Peppermint Twist." is a sentence fragment. I think this is supposed to be part of the previous sentence? "...high school, along..."
4. Don't put the names in quotes. A nickname in it, maybe, like if you went Twilight "Egghead" Sparkle... but for just mentioning the pony, it is just Twilight Sparkle, no quotes. Putting it in quotes implies the words don't quite mean what they should. If Pinkie were to say something like, "Okay, 'Twilight Sparkle.'", the insinuation would be that the pony she's talking to is not actually Twilight Sparkle. With Nyx though, it could make sense to put "mom", "dad", and so on in quotes, since they aren't actually biologically related.
5. You've also got some tense issues (has, lives).
6. I'd suggest ignoring who Nyx's family is for now, unless you can work it naturally into things (like Nyx might mention Spike in conversation). Other than that though, just make it clear as you bring them into the story.
7. Bit of repetition... "today at lunch" "were enjoying lunch". Might want to mix up the wording, like go with "their food" or something.
After that, it is all conversation. For that, read the conversation section in Ezn's guide. It'll show you how to fix up the grammar. And maybe toss in some actions, like having Apple Bloom put some books into a bag or something. Just little things to make things feel more alive, rather than just conversation.
Also, if you want to have a break between scenes (like when you go from Nyx talking to her friends to her being at home), you can use [hr] to put in a horizontal rule. It looks like this:
Rather handy, no?
3644369
the smilies? You just point and click on which one(s) u want.
too rushed. characters are a bit flat. hate to be a critic, but
<(")(")>
out of 17
sorry
Shady dumped Nyx. Time to get my swords.
Also...hands?
3644537 Tell that to the other stories that I have seen countless times and still have it up. Also I forgot about that 1k less words rule.
man how mean
but im sure nyx will find the right guy there are tons of stallions out there
cool
AWSOME
I simply can't read any more. I decided to give this a chance since it was a Nyx story but... No.
Your grammar needs help, there are chunks missing, almost no detail, and everyone either has "said" or "asked" everything. No extra words to describe their emotions, no description to the surroundings, the plot is clichéd to the point of no return, and none of the ponies are in character. Please go back to school and learn how to write.
What's whit all the backlash on the criticism? You guys can't actually believe that nobody was gonna post fixes in the comments. Just give it a rest, all the points were valid. Negativity is bad, but criticism isn't
Quotes are weird, dialogue is inorganic and unlikely, flow is choppy, and show don't tell. My biggest thing was the first sentence:
It's kinda like you just slapped me with plot.
Rebels don't do "bad things" for money, they do "bad things" for fun. and Nyx seemed oddly quick on the pickup. No questioning, no blush, no excitement. She was just complaining in the paragraph before, and now she acts like she's a real veteran with boys.
Plus, IT WAS SO SHORT! I couldn't put myself in the story with this little amount of words.
IF YOU DONT LIKE IT THEN DONT READ IT >:(
Lolwut?
I laughed so hard
Okay Diamond, we're gonna have a sex talk.
1). Your implied sexytimes need to be longer than a sentence.
2). A healthy woman won't show signs of pregnancy until at least 4-5 weeks after the zygote is formed. Nyx wouldn't even realize that she was ovulating, so there's no way after 12 HOURS she could have morning sickness
3). What Shady did was rape, and this whole story just took a turn that I don't think you intended. She may have said yes after his pleading, but she's under 18, I can only assume he's under 18, and that is rape.
Well, Diamond, I can't read more than two chapters of this. Your grammar needs work, you flow is just not flowing, your plot has no coherence, and your characters are stiff and two dimensional.
Sorry, I don't like downvoting stories, but hopefully you'll improve from this experience
3651880 yeah if you don't like it then don't read it
3652444 Thanks for defending me :)
3652812 Your welcome :)
3651908 YOU MEANIE THE WAY YOU SAID THAT TO HER WAS RUDE AND DISREPECTFUL!!!!! SAY SORRY NOW!!!!!!
3651858 oh and plus if you don't like it go to another story don't just say " DUR DUR DUR this story needs GRAMMER and SPELLING HEE HEE!! "
that's the way it seems to the creator who takes most of her freetime to make the people who ACULLY like it happy!
3652978I in no way meant to be mean, but it's obvious that nobody want to see an improvement, so I'll go. I'm sorry for trying to make the story EASIER to read
3653003 hey well at least SOME BODY here loves almost anything she reads.
3653035Dont get me wrong, it's an interesting premise, it just need some content work
Again, criticism may sound mean, but I'm not trying to hurt anybody's feelings
Bah, don't listen to all those perfectionist-types. I've actually taken an interest in this story regardless of the errors in it, mostly because it has Nyx in it, but it's still good.
I hate how people don't like stories if its a couple hundred words long. I think im being rushed with it but I don't really care about that all I care about is reading the next chapter!
I hate how people don't like stories if its a couple hundred words long. I think im being rushed with it but I don't really care about that all I care about is reading the next chapter!
so you know the part were it said
" Oh no your sick, and we were supposed to go to Canterlot this weekend.", Said
You might wanna add the word Twilight in this.
But otherwise I thought it was funny a pony was named said but then I realized their was a word missing but you might wanna take a look at it htough
when it said Nyx, steps on a trap floor or plate or what ever it says it should say Nyx, stepped
when it says " Hey I know thst mare, " It should be that
I would love to see how Shady Daze reacts to finding out that Nyx is carrying an alicorn colt, I'm sure it'll be priceless.
Nice Teen Titans reference. But the new series of that show sucks. Now... Onward Aoshima.
*flies awya on a rainbow firing dolphin*
3658693 Were the teen Titans refrence WERE?!!!!!!!
3661229
He mentions Starfire and Tamaran.
3662120 oh yea Star is from dat place
